WhoopsiDaysi

Welcome Cam! I am so glad you posted and I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and the treatment by your doctor. Wow! I couldn't believe his attitude "what's the point". Seriously?? Holy smokes. Unfortunately, his attitude is not uncommon and neither is his lack of knowledge about herpes. I think a lot of doctors are really uncomfortable with herpes on a personal level and that affects their care. Anyway, I am so happy to hear you are asking for him to do the tests. You can't live in this limbo hell wondering. If you don't have it, then fine. If you do, then you can come to terms with it and learn how to live with it. I have a son who will be 20 this month and reading your post I can tell you are a very caring, thoughtful and intelligent man. What I have learned in my 48 years on this planet and from the relationships I have been in is that the really great guys are the ones who struggle with trying to be acceptable and good enough. The jerks are so unaware and selfish that they could care less how they affect people or what people think. As Kristin has said, for me, this herpes thing has been a path to healing, really getting to know myself and learning to love and accept myself. Like you, I struggled with my self-esteem and I was a people pleaser - what do you want, who do you need, what do I need to be for you. I didn't even really know who I was. I looked in the mirror and a stranger stared back. If you asked me what I liked or what lit me up, what made me excited, I honestly couldn't tell you. Well, unless I was trying to be who you wanted me to be - then I was that person. :) It sounds crazy, but it's just because we are trying to be acceptable because we don't feel people will accept US, as we really are. If they knew who we "really were" they wouldn't find us lovable or good enough. Cam, I am here to tell you that you are MORE than good enough. You deserve to be loved and adored for the amazing young man that you are. Herpes or no herpes, you have a beautiful heart, an intelligent mind, a caring spirit. Don't rob the world of who you are by being less than you can be. Let the world see the real you and let who you are be a blessing to those who meet you. We are all here for a reason. Like a tapestry, every thread is important. You are a child of the most high God, you have a reason and a purpose to be here. Don't let your inner critic tell you any different. Please let us know how your appointment goes and thank you so much for reaching out. Please continue to post. I don't think you ramble, you have a lovely way of writing and expressing yourself. You can be a real gift to those on here who are feeling the same fears, the same uncertainties that you are. By sharing who you are, you are making space for others to be brave enough to reach out. Much love, Brenda xo

You are so right sjj - we and you DO deserve it! :) I hope the therapist can get you going in the right direction. You already are making such HUGE strides to healing. As Kristin said, herpes dredges up all our "stuff". It is so easy to focus on the herpes as the cause of all our problems, but it's just that push we needed to deal with all the other unhealed bits of ourselve. And we ALL have them. See this time as a positive time of healing, learning, self-acceptance and love. It seems so huge at first, as Kristin said, but once you realize the gifts hidden in the virus, you will blossom. The weekend will be here when you are ready. In the meantime you have us to talk to and hopefully a chance to find a local group of "real people" to hang out with. I think that will make a huge difference to see that people with herpes, real live people, are just that - people. You will see that it doesn't make them any less fabulous or normal than they are, with or without herpes. All in good time gwasshoppa. :) Hugs!! Brenda xoxox

Thanks Beckie. I am so looking forward to meeting you as well!! One more month. I can hardly wait!! sjj, I really honor your journey and how far you have come in such a short time. I think meeting with a therapist or a coach such as Adrial will do you a world of good. As you have also said, learning to love and accept yourself is your first step. I have learned from my experience, both before and after herpes, that unless I love and accept myself, no one else will. Even before I had herpes, I never found myself lovable enough or acceptable and I always felt like I needed to prove my worth by doing and being and helping others. I always chose men who "needed" me. And they treated me exactly how I felt about myself - like I wasn't worthy or lovable and all that I was good for was what I could do for them. Having herpes is just a simple skin condition. It doesn't invalidate all the wonderful things we are and when we (I) accept ourselves exactly as we are and see all our beautiful parts, all the gifts we have, all the many ways we are lovable and beautiful, then we can allow others to see that. Once you get there, herpes schmerpes. They will see YOU and that is a beautiful thing my dear. :) Love you! Brenda xoxoxo

Hey HoG, All awesome books. I have read them all and loved them. I loved Randy Pauch's book. I would highly recommend that one. And I always loved Louise Hay. Anything she writes is awesome. Louise is probably a really good place to start. Brenda xoxo

Oh God....where to start even sjj. Hmmm. Well, when I was first diagnosed, I was also going through a divorce. I split from my husband the end of October and the end of November I had my first OB that I couldn't ignore and was diagnosed with herpes. I was devastated because I felt like I would NEVER EVER find anyone to love me (sound familiar??). Anyway, up to that point, I had used a new relationship to stop the pain from the last one so never ever gave myself a chance to stop, evaluate and heal. Well, now that I had herpes, I was given that opportunity. I also ran headlong into relationships with my heart and my head would show up a few weeks later only to find we had found another "rescue puppy". After herpes, I had to bring my head to the mix right off the start. Nothing like having the old TALK to sober you up and make some better decisions. Having been able to slow things down I also took some time to take courses, do some self reflection, take some time for myself and to really get to know who I was. Up to that point I was pretty much a stranger to myself. The other gifts came from the people I have met. I started out by meeting people online, then joining a local group where I could meet some really interesting people in "real life". I also then stumbled upon this site and met Adrial and all the amazing people on here. Adrial has truly opened up my life to so many amazing possibilities. I came to the H Opportunity and connected with people there in a way that I had never before experienced. I had fallen in love with people at a spirit of soul level. Even to this day I can't entirely explain it with words. Sort of like the love when you first see your child. You really have to experience it to understand it. The H Opportunity Weekend opened me up to so many other possibilities as well as far as my coaching and my life direction is concerned. I think at the core, I have gotten to really know myself in a meaningful way, I have come to love and accept myself - flaws, herpes, and all - and I have come to love and accept others in a way that I never could have before I got herpes. Really, I guess if I had to pick one word, it would be love. Love is what I got from getting herpes. Sounds odd given how I actually got it, but in the end, that was the gift. Meeting people such as yourself continues to be the gift in all of this. Brenda xoxo

Awesome HoG. :) These are the realizations I had as well. Herpes was like a "gateway" to understanding and healing myself. It really was a "gift" and an "opportunity". Had you told me that when I got the diagnosis, I probably would have thought you were a tad off your rocker, but now, having lived with it and having had the changes and growth, wow. I totally get it now! And it sounds like you are too. :) sjj - I am not sure what sort of book you may want. My library is chock full of books. Let me see what I have and see if anything jumps out at me. That is also what I do when I am looking for something to read. I browse the books in the library or bookstore and see what seems to grab my attention or what really stands out for me. I have found some great reads that way. :) Love to you both! Brenda xoox

What do you mean lovemyself? What sort of affect?

Johanna, I can understand where you are coming from - I call it going down the rabbit hole. We can sit with our emotions and love them as they are but we don't have to be drug around them either. If you feel like you are going to that dark place of judgment and self-condemnation you can stop yourself. Sometimes something as simple as saying "STOP" to the thoughts or "Cancel, cancel, cancel, delete" or "Thank you, now go away" will help stop the flow and help redirect your thoughts to more loving and healthy thoughts. Even doing something silly like looking in the mirror and smiling at yourself or being over dramatic and acting out your thoughts in a silly way. Anything to interrupt the flow of the negative thoughts and stop your journey down the rabbit hole. This will help you with all parts of your life, not just with your struggles with herpes because life has a way of bringing us challenges. If you can master this herpes thing as you are already doing, you will set yourself up for a very blessed life and there won't be much that will keep you down. As you are already leaning - if you are feeling down then do something - go for a walk, call a friend, watch a funny movie, read a book, journal, paint, workout, whatever helps you raise your energy levels and raise the energy of the thoughts you have. I am so proud of your Johanna. You are so young and yet learning so many wonderful lessons. You are handling this with a grace and maturity beyond your years. :) Much love, Brenda xoxo

Thanks sjj. :) And as you said sjj, we all go through that - one day we feel great, wonderful and the next day we have doubts. But that is just how life is. If we didn't have herpes, we wouldn't be walking around in eternal bliss. We would still have good days and bad days. Still have days of self-doubt, wondering if we will ever find someone to love us or wondering if our life is going to come together as we hope. It's just that now we have herpes to grab on to and say "that" is why I can't. It's like the elephant in the room and a good excuse to feel like crap. Don't let the herpes humdums get to you. We are all in this wonderful boat together to love and support each other through the valleys and celebrate our mountains. I think as Adrial has said many times, if we can just accept where we are and allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel in that moment, without judgment, that feeling will heal and it will pass. Don't think "I shouldn't feel this way" and then either judge the hell out of yourself or try to run away. The fact of the matter is you do feel that way. But in a moment, you could feel another way. Just let it pass and don't give those negative feeling so much attention and so much power but do listen to what they might have to say to you. Maybe there are things your scared self is trying to get you to hear. Lots of love, Brenda xoox

Hi Herpesaurasrex, :) What you are feeling is the exact same feelings many if not most of us have had. Some days are great - this is just a skin condition, I am a great person, nothing can stop me. Other days when we are feeling insecure, we wonder if we'll ever have another relationship again and would ANYONE EVER want to be with us. Totally normal. Just go with it my dear and know that those are normal fears and if it weren't herpes, it might be something else - too tall, too heavy, too thin, too smart, too young, too old, too something. Herpes is just something we can focus on and use as an excuse to be less than. Don't buy into it. And yes, it is a reality we all have to deal with and no, not everyone is going to accept it. But then not everyone is going to accept a lot of things - people who smoke, people with kids, people who aren't a certain IQ or social class, people who don't like animals, etc. See this as an opportunity to grow and to be choosy in who you let in to your world. You are obviously a woman who knows what she wants and is looking for someone of substance and who wants a real relationship. Herpes won't take away from that. In fact, I know in my case, it has helped me to weed out the one who aren't right for me and also it proves the characters of the people who I choose to keep in my life. Never lose sight of the amazing person you are and don't let this virus convince you that you are any less of a person than you were before its arrival. You are still that wonderful, loving, caring, faithful person you were before. And good for you for reaching out. You will see by connecting with people on this site that you are in good company. There are some absolutely amazing people out there and some of them happen to have herpes and how lucky we are to have an opportunity to meet and come together!! Much love, Brenda xoxo

I haven't been checking posts as much as I should so sorry for my late reply....I haven't had therapy for herpes per se but I did go to the H Opp weekend which healed a lot. I have done a lot of things though to heal. When I found out I had herpes I had a lot of things happen at the same time so have been dealing with all of them sort of at the same time. I would say though, from my experience in life, that therapy is never a waste. Give it a try and see how you feel. If you are feeling like it would be helpful for you, then absolutely!! :)

Sorry, I just read your posts. Congratulations!!! I am so glad it went so well. I am so happy for you. :) You will do just fine with the therapist. Once you start talking, it takes away the sting. It takes the bite out of the whole thing for sure. I think it's so healthy for you to be seeing someone right at the beginning. Get your feet under you and you will be off. You are such a lovely soul my dear and I just know you will rise above this and thrive. :) Thanks for letting us know how it went. :) Lots of love, Brenda xoxo

Thanks Jassabell. And all the best with your new beau. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous and a tad stressed when I meet someone new, anticipating The Talk. But I am finding it does get easier the more confident I become and the more I learn to love me, all of me. You will both do well. Herpes is a great way to prove your own character and also to see what the other person is made of. I have to say, it's saved me a ton of heartache by letting my heart decide before my brain shows up. Herpes has forced me to bring my brain along and it's been the best thing to ever happen to me. :) Let us know how it goes!! Love and light, Brenda xoxo

Breathe my dear. I totally get where you're coming from. You don't need to rush anything right now. Take some time to get to know this guy, build some trust and you will find the words to tell him. You are a beautiful, amazing young lady and he can obviously see that. Don't just assume that he will not accept you - all of you. Assume that he will appreciate your honesty, your trust in him and your integrity. You are already proving who you are as a person by telling him - you are a person who values him, trusts him and has his best interests foremost in your mind. What is not to love about that? In dating we all have preferences. Some people don't date people who smoke, or who are taller than they are or who have kids. People will make decisions on a partner for a variety of different reasons. Herpes is just a thing that is part of who you are. Don't let it become "WHO YOU ARE". You are not herpes. You are a lovely human being with a gorgeous heart who is truly deserving of love. You can do this. :) Brenda xo

Thanks so much sjj. :) I am glad my words speak to you my dear. xo

Max_G, I am also sorry to hear how you are feeling, but might I suggest this - listen to that scared, lost, hopeless part of you. Ask that scared part what she needs you to hear. What is she trying to tell you? It's okay to be scared, it's okay to feel how you feel. I find when I take the time to listen to what my feelings are trying to tell me, love that part of me that is scared and needing love instead of trying to run, hide, ignore, then that part that needs to be heard can start to heal. Take some time for some self care, self love and just being gentle with yourself. It's okay not to be strong all the time. Do as you would with a good friend who is going through a rough patch. You would be there to love her, listen to her, support her and maybe even do nice things for her to surprise her or cheer her up. You can do that for you as well sweetie. And when you're stronger, then you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put your shoulders back and a smile on your face and figure out what to do from here. You are already doing something for yourself - reaching out to us - and I honor you for your courage in doing that. You know in your heart what you need to do. You are wiser than you give yourself credit for darlin. You've got this. :) And you've got us to love you, support you, hold your hand when you need and dry your tears. We are also here to cheer you on and encourage you when you're ready. You don't need to make grand gestures. Just small baby steps to start. Lots of hugs and love, Brenda xoxo

Hey Cedar and sjj, I am so lucky to have people like you in this community to love and support me and also to be able to share our collective experience and wisdom with. None of us have everything figured out in life, but how wonderful it is to be in community and to be able to share, commune and love both each other and ourselves. I learn so much and am constantly inspired by what others post. Thank you so much for being willing to be vulnerable and open with your feelings and for being the amazing women that you are. Much love! Brenda xoxo

Hi HoG, I am SO glad you have been able to read Louise' book. She IS amazing, isn't she? And so wise but she is like us, the wounded healer. What she says is from some hard lessons she herself had to learn along the way, which makes what she says so much more amazing and relevant. I think you are wise to walk away. You can forgive, you can let go but then you need to disengage. As you are realizing, this is nothing to be gained by keeping in touch with him. You only end up hurting yourself. He wants to keep in touch, I suspect, because it makes HIM feel better and less guilty. You don't need that. I was talking to my girlfriend about an idea she heard about. It is Japanese concept of and I can't remember what she called it but the basic idea is this. If you want to make changes, you make really small, achievable changes in your life. Say, if you wanted to start being more active again. Decide what small thing you can do today that you can do for a week. Say, walking for 5 minutes. Can you do that everyday for a week? If you can, then you do that. Then maybe the next week you might want to walk 10 minutes a day. And you do that. You can see that it doesn't seem like much, but over time, you are making small achievable steps towards something even greater. As the saying goes, even if you are making slow progress, you are far ahead anyone else doing nothing. Just a thought. Make a list of the things you would like to get back to and then pick one very small, but achievable step that you can make. Here are some ideas. If you like Louise Hay, then she has some little books that have a positive saying for the day. Maybe get one and everyday (which is what I do) just randomly open a page and read one of her quotes. That will help you get your positive spirit back. Louise also has an exercise where you look in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say "I love you". That will help you start to love yourself more. When you go to the grocery store, park a little farther away and enjoy the walk to the store. That will get you on your way to getting more exercise. When you get up in the morning, have a full glass of water. That will help you to get on the path to start eating better. And chart your progress. Maybe get a package of fun stickers and every single day that you achieve your goals, put a sticker on your calendar. At the end of the week, plan a special treat for yourself. It doesn't have to be grand gestures. Don't get caught up in "all or nothing" thinking. Imperfect and done is better than perfect and not done. :) If you want to be accountable to someone, I certainly don't mind being the person you can report back to. :) Sometimes it just helps to have someone who cares who can help you celebrate your small but consistent victories. You are on the road my dear! Just keep moving forward, one baby step at a time. Sure and steady wins the race! Hugs and much love, Brenda xoxo

What sort of things are you hoping to clear up or get answers to by seeing this doctor? What unanswered questions do you have in your mind? What part of the "unknown" is bothering you the most about this virus and your life from this point forward? What sort of reassurances would make you feel better or what part of how to live with herpes are you struggling with most? Are there parts of how to have a healthy sex life you are wondering about or diet or medication? My suggestion is to start making a list of things you are wondering about. Just write and don't censor yourself and take your list with you to the doctor so you have something to refer to. I would suggest you also take notes of what she says or, if you have someone you trust, take them with you so you can talk to them about what she said because sometimes it all seems so overwhelming and after a while she is like Charlie Brown's teacher and you miss half of what was said. I hope you have a great chat with your trusted doctor. Brenda :)

Zebrafish - this may sound odd, but here it goes, send some love to that cervix of yours. It is struggling right now and the last thing any part of you needs right now is judgment. Allow yourself to bathe in a bright light of love and acceptance and know that you and your cervix will get through this. It's like when you have the flu and you just feel so crappy and like it's the worst thing ever. You KNOW you'll get through it and feel better, but in the moment, your feelings say it's awful and you just want it to end. I am sending love and hugs your way sweetie and you will get through this. Take baby steps. We all struggle with this virus and we all have good days and days where the herpes demons get the best of us. One day at a time. This too shall pass. :) Love, Brenda xoxo

Harlow, I am SO proud of you and so in awe of your journey. I have goosebumps reading your post. You are such an inspiration to so many on here who are in the struggling stages, trying to come to terms with what having herpes means and how to live with their "new normal". I wish I lived closer because I would so take you up on that coffee. Hugs from Canada my dear!! Brenda xoox

Heart of Gold, Here is my take on things - one thing that jumped out at me is your anger with your past partner. In order to heal, you need to forgive him and his betrayal of your heart. Now, forgiveness does not mean you say "hey, no big deal. You broke my heart, gave me herpes for life and now I get to remember the hurt every single day because herpes is on my mind every freakin day. Thank you SO much!" I get that honey. I got my gift from a man who was only with me because I was his meal ticket. He was the same - "I love you" fell out of his mouth very quickly. I believed all his lies and in exchange I got the gift that keeps on giving. What I learned is first of all I had to release my hate and anger at him for how he hurt and used me. And I had to release my resentment to him for giving me this virus. Once I did that, that is when the healing began. The other thing I have learned in 48 years on this planet is that when you are growing and learning and becoming this person you want to be, and intellectually you have it all figured out, that is when life says "oh really??" and gives you real life opportunities to see whether you really have it at a heart level. All that growth and expansion you had was preparing you for this herpes opportunity. All that you learned can now be used in a very practical way to overcome one of the biggest challenges you have had so far. How exciting is that!! You now get to use all that knowledge and enlightenment in a very real way "in the field". You can use all you learned to now take care of yourself and help yourself heal and become an even more amazing version of who you are right now! I have been through the trenches myself, been through the H Opportunity weekend, read all the books, done the meditation, taken the courses, etc. and I can tell you, I LOVE who I am now. And none of that would have come my way without this amazing virus. Keep reaching out my dear. Go back to what you were doing before. Pick up those books that so inspired you before. Look at that diet that made you feel so awesome. Get back to those marathons. Pick youself up, dust yourself off and say "This is NOT how it is going to end". Don't give that guy the power to dim your light. He obviously didn't deserve the jewel that you are but what he left you with could be the biggest opportunity of your life. Only you can decide! Hugs and many blessings my dear, Brenda xoxo

What an awesome letter Kristen. It's too bad it takes all these years to get that but hopefully we can pass that along to our own kids or anyone who asks. :) Every young person should read your letter my dear! sjj, take to heart what Kristen has written. It is all so true. In her letter are lessons I am still trying to get at 48. :) Just remember to LIVE now. Don't worry about making mistakes because you will learn from every one of them. If you aren't making mistakes, you aren't really living. Nothing in life is permanent. Well except herpes. :) But there are so many amazing gifts in that, as you are seeing. No experience is a waste. Things are only good or bad if you make them be. Love with all your heart and tell the people you love how much they mean to you and don't ever dim your own light because someone else is intimidated by your strengths and gifts. You are an awesome, lovely, beautiful, amazing young lady my dear. Enjoy every moment! Love you! Brenda xox

Forever, it hurts my heart to hear you talk that way about yourself. You come across as such a beautiful, loving soul. Don't let this herpes thing make you one speck less than the amazing person that you are. The girl who said those rude things was not the right person. What she said was mean and uncalled for and more of a reflection of how she feels about herself. It's always about ourselves when we criticize or judge. You do not have to accept her words. Speak blessings over your life my dear. You are here for a very good reason and this herpes thing is just one more opportunity that will help make you into the diamond that you are. It is totally natural to feel down when you are first trying to navigate what herpes means to you. I can tell you from this perspective though that herpes has been such a blessing to me. If you read the forums, you will see I am not the only one. Take a deep breath love, slow down, reconnect with the part of you that is loving, and caring and direct all that love to yourself as you would a frightened child. Be gentle with yourself and see that you don't have to come with any "perks" to be a valuable, amazing human being. You are reaching out on the forum, which is awesome. Keep doing that and let us help you find your way to loving yourself. I am sure you have people in your life as well who can be a loving support for you. Also, if you can find a local herpes group that you can connect with and spend some face-to-face time with, that would be awesome. I found that connecting with my local group really helped me to realize how we are all just normal, lovable, amazing people. Herpes doesn't define or diminish us one iota. Keep posting, keep talking and keep connecting. It will only get better from here!! Warm hugs!! Brenda xox

Welcome Shannon! Another Canadian!! I am from around Calgary, Alberta. I am so glad you have reached out for help and support. This must be such a stressful time for you right now. I am so sorry to hear of your loss with your Dad and also with what you are going through now. The waiting is the worst part. Ugh. I remember that. As Katie said, once you actually live with herpes, it's really not the big deal it feels like initially. As Katie has said, 80% don't even know they have it. I was one of those 80% for years I think. From this point on, it is what it is. You will get through it. When you are in the middle of an OB, it feels so awful, but it gets better and you move on and realize it's more of an inconvenience at times, just like having the flu or coldsores or your period. It comes, it goes, life goes on. It doesn't make you any less of a person. In fact, in my opinion, it can make your stronger, more loving and more accepting. Just hang in there my dear and please let us know what you find out. If it is herpes, then we are here to hold your hand, love and support you and get you through to the other side where you see the blessings. Much love!! Brenda xoxo