WhoopsiDaysi

Hi OneDayAtATime, Thanks so much for the update! See, you are already moving forward and you are taking that learning from "Mr. Wonderful" in to your next relationship. You have attracted someone who is mature, caring, reasonable, thoughtful and is willing to take the time to really get to know you. Even if he isn't "the One" you are getting so much from this relationship. It sounds like seeing the differences is helping you to heal. You are seeing that although Mr. Wonderful was a whirlwind of "wow", there is more to a mature relationship. There is something to be said for slowly getting to know someone, building that trust, learning to really care for the person. It takes time to really get to know a person, with clear eyes. The excitement and "wow" can be very distracting. It's sort of like smoke and mirrors because once you get past the "wow", you realize there may not be the depth and trust you need. Enjoy this new relationship and take in all the lessons. Don't try to rush it or make it be anything. If it is meant to be, then you will know it in good time. As for the emails to "Mr. Wonderful", I can tell you from my own experience, burning them was really therapeutic. I really felt a sense of "release". Shredding them or burying them may have the same effect. As long as those emails sit in your drafts, that relationship is holding you back. When you are ready to let it go, get rid of them in whatever way feels right for you. Ceremony is a good thing. There is a reason for it and so take some time to really release. Light some candles or say a prayer or have a mediation, go out in nature, do whatever you feel is right and take the time to release. You will feel like the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders and then you can move on. Keep us posted on this new relationship. I am SO excited for you! Brenda xoxo

Welcome BOOH. :) We are all so glad to have you here whenever you can check in. Anything that is a new experience is going to take a while to adjust to. Herpes is no different. It is definitely a life changer, but if you have the right attitude, that can be a very positive change. Still, any change is stressful and it takes time. As you say, no silly virus needs to define us but we can allow it to help us grow in a way that we may not have otherwise. I am so happy to hear you so positive just six weeks in and I am so pleased to see you reaching out. It demonstrates your commitment to taking care of yourself, no matter how busy your life may be. :) Baby steps my dear. You will be amazed at how far slow by steady can take you! I look forward to hearing from you whenever you have a chance. Hugs, Brenda

I haven't had a lot of OBs, but for me, my lymph glands get swollen. My body is pretty sensitive to any sort of "invasion" or issue going on so I get feedback pretty quickly. The body is a pretty amazing bio machine. :)

My advice is get tested. Unless you do, you won't know for sure. Not knowing is just going to be crazy making.

EricaBlue, It takes great courage to reach out and allow others to support you. I am so happy to hear you hare having such a great day! Enjoy the fabulous days. Life has its ups and downs but savoring the days where you feel positive, enriched and blessed will bring you more of those days. :) Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful spirit with all of us. You are such a gift and I am so happy you are now part of this amazing family. Much love!! Brenda xo

I love how this virus has brought us together in community. I love how we can share our truest feelings, our biggest fears, our darkest and most vulnerable selves and know that we will be heard, we will be loved and we will be accepted and supported. And these are the days that I thank God and the Universe for this little virus of mine because without it, look what I would be missing out on. Look at all the love, support and friendship I would not have and share in. My life is so much richer and all because of a virus. I need to thank my giver, Earl. As much as he took away from me, his gift of herpes has actually made my life better. I'll bet he didn't count on that! There really is a design to this whole thing called life. It's not quite so random as we might think.

Hi OneDayAtATime, I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through. It is so hard to care so much and feel like someone you had such strong, genuine feelings for could just dismiss you like that. Mr. Wonderful sounds like he has issues with commitment and loving. I have met my share of people on the internet and what I have learned is that you can never really be sure what their true story is. All you know is what they tell you. You can walk away from this situation knowing a few things though - that you are a loving, caring, honest person who is looking for a committed relationship and you are ready to make a commitment with the right person. Next time someone tells you they are not ready for a relationship you will believe them AND you may not invest as you have. You have learned that you need to be true to yourself and you don't need to settle for someone who is not in the same place you are. If he cannot appreciate the beautiful spirit you are and cannot respect and cherish the amazing connection you had, then he so does not deserve you. You can thank him now for not wasting years of your life with you in limbo, waiting, waiting. Now you can do what you need to do to heal, in your own time, and then when you are ready, you can move forward and open your heart to a man who truly deserves you. Not having closure is so hard. Have you tried writing a letter saying goodbye? Not one you mail, but one where you pour your heart out and tell him how you feel, your love, your hurt, your disappointment? And then say goodbye. Thank him for showing you what a connection like that looks like and that now you know what you are looking for with the right man. Once you write it either bury it or burn it and let it go. Let the angels carry that hurt and make it to something good. Imagine how amazing it will be to find someone who gives back what you give to him? Wow! THAT my friend is worth waiting for. Now you know what you want. Go out there and find it because you know what, it's out there waiting for you. You would not have had this experience and now have this desire for that kind of connection if it was not meant for you. When you find "Mr. Fabulous" you will now cherish him even more knowing what you went through. Hugs and all the very best wishes, Brenda xoxo

I am no doctor, nor do I play one on tv, but my doctor and I had a chat a few weeks ago about some pap results. She told me that basically is you've had sex, you have had HPV at some point in your life and that the body usually clears it itself. It can cause pap tests that come back with some red flags that need to be rechecked in 6 months but she said most of the time, the body clears the HPV from your system. She told me that unless you have had the shot, there wasn't really any way of avoiding it, short of a vow of celibacy. On the list of "things that keep me up at night" HPV is pretty much at the bottom of my list. But I can see having it feel like a huge deal getting that diagnosis on the heels of the herpes thing. As time goes on, the herpes thing can also make it to pretty close to the bottom of the list as well. It has for me anyway at the moment. I used to think about it and worry about it Every. Single. Day. Now I find myself forgetting about it. I meet someone and it's like "Oh yeah, I have herpes. I had better remember to mention that". Hugs to you my dear. Just take it one day at a time. :) Honestly, it will all be okay. Like anything new though, you are working your way through it and how you feel and what it means to you. Any life change can be a bit stressful initially. I am glad you are here and reaching out. :) Brenda xoxo

AWESOME idea. :)

Ahhh!! I can hardly wait!! This is better than Christmas, New Years and my birthday all in one. :) Can't wait for those hugs to start. :)

God, I love this place and you people!! I have goosebumps reading these posts. :) Pacific, thank you SO much for coming out of the shadows and posting such a heart felt and lovely response to Atlantic. It is people like you who make me thank God everyday for the gift of herpes. Without it I would have missed out on all of this and what a shame that would have been. Lelani, I am SOOOO happy to hear you have found someone who loves and appreciates you and sees the gorgeous woman you are both inside and out. He is a very very lucky man to have found you and it sounds like you two are so perfect for each other. Atlantic, thank you so much for being who you are and being such an inspiration to so many. Obviously you have a positive influence on so many people, and that is such a gift to share. Adrial, you have a life purpose that will affect so many lives in such a positive way. You have initiated something that will heal so many people and have such an outreaching effect that you may never fully appreciate. I am so grateful you are in our lives and you chose to use your pain to help others heal. Much love to you all! Brenda xoxo

JessREH, I am so sorry you had to go through that heartache. My donor was of a similar nature and I get what you mean about hurting more at a soul level. It is hard to imagine there are people like that out there, but there are. It sounds like you are a strong person and you will heal from this and it will make you even stronger. This is an amazing community and I am so glad you have joined us. You are such a beautiful spirit and that shines through in your writing. As for the paranoia about another outbreak - I totally get that. It will get better with time. I have learned to love myself through my outbreaks. Instead of freaking out, I just accept what is happening and use it as an excuse to baby myself, do nice things for myself and to love myself and the herpes. I thank it for reminding me to take care of myself and love it until it heals. I did that with my last outbreak and I couldn't believe what a different experience that was for me. I look forward to getting to know you better and I know you are going to be a wonderful addition to our family. Hugs, Brenda xoxo

Hi Someone_else, First of all, thank you so much for reaching out. Secondly, I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could rush over and make it all better for you, but as you are realizing, life has changed for you. I can relate to all that you are saying. I had very similar thoughts and feelings. I didn't know for sure who I got my herpes from but I was recently separated from my husband and was reeling from that and then found out that I had herpes and was sure my sex life was over. Divorced and celibate. Awesome! I also shave as well, so that was a concern and I was absolutely terrified of having another outbreak. Every twinge, every pain, every tingle would set me into a tizzy. The idea of another outbreak made me crazy and it was all that I could think about. That was a year and a half ago. Here is what I have learned since then. My sex life is NOT over. In fact, it has saved me a lot of heartache because now I bring my head and my heart to every relationship and I make far better choices when it comes to relationships. I don't rush in like I used to. I have met so many people through this site and also through our local group that my circle of friends has actually grown and I have met some of the most amazing people. Shaving can be done but just be careful. If you are having an outbreak or feeling like one, maybe just hold off for a day or two to see. I haven't had any issues with it though. The outbreaks - well, I have stopped obsessing about it and fearing it. I had decided that my next outbreak would be different and that I was going to love myself through it. I had an outbreak a few weeks ago and instead of freaking out and being upset and judging the hell out of myself the whole way through, I decided to love myself the whole way through. I did nice things for myself, I sent love to the herpes, I got enough rest, I made sure I ate healthy - just like you would do for a friend or would do if you had the flu. If you are sick, you stop and take care of yourself and herpes is no different. What I found is that the outbreak healed in a matter of days. I was actually shocked and realized the more I freak out about it, the worse it gets. Think about it - your cells all have a brain and memory - if you send hatred and judgment to them, how are they going to heal? If you send love and acceptance, only good things can happen. Try to be patient with yourself. Your feelings are real. Sit with them, accept them, breathe through them, listen to what they are trying to tell you. Like you would a scared child, sit with your inner child and love her. Acknowledge her fear, her anger, her resentment, her uncertainty. If you run from the feelings, they will only chase you down. Don't judge yourself for feeling how you feel. This is a big deal for you right now. It's life changing and like any change, it's going to take some time to adjust. It's totally natural to wish things could just go back to the way they were. The fact is, they can't so wishing it will only make you miserable. Accept what is in this moment - the good, the bad, and the lovely. As you read through this forum, you will read about people who have come out the other side of this and have found the diamonds and the amazing gifts in all of this. Reach out and express how you feel. Share your fears, ask for help as you are, do whatever you need to get through this and trust that on the other side there is healing, there is a great life and there is something amazing waiting for you! Hugs, Brenda xo

Hi Paige. Right now your feelings are so real and they are telling you it's horrible, awful and it will never be good again. I have had my own struggles with depression and I can appreciate what it feels like to be in that dark state. Intellectually you know things will get better, but your feelings trump any sort of reason. For me, faith come in to play and also knowing that as real as those feelings are, this too shall pass and that your feelings are not the truth. Your feelings are a result of what you are telling yourself. If your voice in your head is about judgment then how can you feel love for yourself? You know you are a beautiful, intelligent, lovable, valuable person. One of my friends said the other day that she wished she could see herself as her friends see her. If your feelings are saying negative things, see yourself as your parents, your friends, God, a new lover would see you. And trust that this will pass and you find the silver lining in all this. What helped me was seeing myself as God would see me. He doesn't see me as "less than" because I have herpes. I am perfect because he loves me just the way I am. I don't need to be anything other than who I am. Just like I love my own son. I know he has flaws but I love him for who he is and I have come to realize I need to see myself that way as well. Once I can love and accept myself that way, then I can allow others to do the same. You are reaching out to us, which is fabulous. Obviously you care enough about yourself to reach out. That is a fantastic first step. Keep reaching out, keep remembering your good qualities. Maybe try making a list of all the wonderful things about yourself. The things you like about yourself. The things people comment about when they compliment you. Also, what do you have to be grateful for in your life? When you start to focus what is right and what is wonderful in your life, it changes your focus and perspective. What you focus on you will notice and you will bring in to your life. Relationships break up all the time. We would have break ups whether we had herpes or not but if we focus on that issue, we give it far more power than it deserves. You were trying to be responsible and do the right thing when it came to your diagnosis and you had every right to expect him to as well. He was taking a very irresponsible approach to herpes and you had every right to be upset. If he was that nonchalant with the health and safety of his partners, then maybe he wasn't a good fit for you, even though you obviously care for him. That said, you feel how you feel and your hurt and pain are real. He is not the only person who can offer you love and support so please, as you are doing here, reach out to people who can love and support you through this. Hugs to you! Brenda

kitcattat, herpes brings up all sorts of issues. I have come to just accept herpes as one more thing to know about me. There used to be two of me - the real me and then the herpes me. Now we are one and the same. I think it's normal because at first it's something that we really don't want to accept as part of ourselves so we try to reject it and put it out there. I just had my first OB after my diagnosis and this time around it was no big deal. I loved myself through it and it was no different than having a cold sore or the flu. There was no judgment or fear. And you know it cleared up so fast. Before I used to be absolutely obsessive and in fear of every little twinge or whatever that could indicate an OB. Now it's just "meh". I found that really interesting. So, it sounds like you maybe are feeling like it's not just the herpes that is the issue but things about yourself that you don't want to face? Feelings are complex and sometimes herpes is sort of a magnifying glass on all the stuff we are trying not to face about ourselves. It has been a gateway to so much healing for me. But it was messy and really not an easy journey to begin. Thanks for the discussion. How are you feeling now? What thoughts come to mind? What do you think it would feel like to post on Facebook about your experience with herpes? I am curious as to your thoughts.

I love this! And it is so true. Thank you so much for sharing.

I know it's an outbreak because my lymph nodes always get swollen. That's when I know I can't try to convince myself it's just an irritation and not herpes. The lymph nodes tell me otherwise. They are my "reality check".

Hi Rosy and welcome! I have had men who had strong reactions to herpes. In my experience, both of them had had a really negative experience with herpes in their life and so the association they made with it was something they couldn't overcome. There was nothing I could have done or said to help them not have a strong reaction. Your fella's reaction is his issue. People are going to have strong reactions to many things and often I find it comes from fear. One fellow I met had a sister in law who caught herpes from her cheating husband (first bad association). Then she had a boyfriend and the boyfriend caught herpes. He was so upset he would show up at her work everyday and tell all her coworkers that she had given him herpes (second bad association). When I met him we got along great. I told him about having herpes and he really did try to get around it, but ultimately he was so freaked out that he ended up having to leave. The second fellow who had a negative reaction I have known for a long time. We were actually engaged about 10 years ago. We broke up and ten years later he found me again (looong story there). Anyway, when I told him that I had herpes, you should have seen the look on his face. It was like I had slapped him. Come to find out his dad had cheated a lot on his mother. He didn't have a good relationship with his dad as a result and guess what his dad got - yep, herpes. So negative association. The interesting thing is he has since come around. We have been together and apart more times than I care to get into but he has recently come back into my life and said that he read somewhere where a person had posted "why let a simple skin condition make you lose the love of your life". He said that really got him thinking and that he has decided that he is okay with the herpes thing. He has come to terms with it and it's not worth losing me for a skin condition. So, who knows. Everyone comes with their own experiences and fears. Sometimes there is nothing we can do or say to make them change their minds.

Great discussion. Personally, I have no issue with everyone knowing. Good thing since I have talked about it on Facebook and I am on You Tube! But really, if the topic comes up, I tell people. Strangers, friends, family. Interestingly enough though, the one person I cannot bring myself to tell is my son. I find that interesting. For me there is somehow still shame around that to tell him. I gave him the lectures on being careful because some things you can get "for life". AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaand here I am. I will eventually have to tell him. I will feel better because I really don't like keeping things from him. But really, if the whole world knew, I would be okay with it. I am more uncomfortable about people knowing I have been married three times than I am about having herpes. To me it's no worse than people knowing if I had cold sores or diabetes. It's just a medical condition. If they choose to reject me because I have herpes, well, then their absence isn't really a huge deal. People will judge me in any event. If it's not herpes, it's something else and their opinions are their business, not mine.

That is amazing. Wow.

hey Booh, I totally get all the feelings and questions you have. I have so been there myself. As you live with herpes and figure out the triggers and just get comfortable with it and realize it really isn't a big deal, you will get comfortable with it. When I first found out I had herpes it was all I could think about and I used to stress at every symptom, twitch and odd feeling. I am just in the middle of my first outbreak since my diagnosis a year a half ago and now I am basically 'meh' about it. No big deal. I loved myself through it, took my meds, put on the cream and relaxed into it and it healed itself in a matter of a couple of days. No stress, no fuss, no freak out. I found once I accepted and loved myself, herpes and all, it was no more of a big deal than getting the flu or a cold sore. At the beginning, oh my God, it was the end of the world. Now, I actually use it as an excuse to be good to myself and pamper myself. You will find a way to make peace with it and just roll with it. It may not happen overnight but if you decide to become okay with it, it will happen over time. It seems like a big deal at the beginning, but once you deal with it, really, it's a cold sore in an awkward location. As for the sex part, you can focus more on your partner during an outbreak and when you are healed, it's payback time! :) Have some fun with it. I get loving sex. I am so there with you but it doesn't mean it needs to limit your sexuality. It can actually enhance it if you open your mind and get creative. ;)

Hi ellemell, I am not lesbian, so I can't speak to that part of it, but I can speak to the casual sex part and my experience of that was that it may fill a need in the immediate, but it makes you feel like crap in the long term. Sort of like drinking I guess - it numbs the pain in the moment but the longer term effects are not so wonderful. Maybe, like me, this herpes thing allows you to slow down a bit, take a peek inside and get to know yourself and your self worth. Honey, if you keep telling yourself you are not this, and bad that, then you are going to continue to see blackness. You don't need casual sex to feel better. You are on a journey to healing and I really frickin honor you because I am not sure I could be as strong as you are. You are obviously intelligent, caring, funny, and self aware. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve all of life's blessing and this virus we share is just that "pause" button that many of us need in our lives to figure some stuff out. I am so glad you are here and I love to read your posts because I can feel your strong spirit come through. Expect good things to come your way. You deserve a person who loves you, honors you and see the amazing and beautiful spirit that you are. For now, we are the fortunate ones. And hopefully soon you will see yourself through our eyes. Hugs, Brenda xoxoxo

Thanks Johanna so much for sharing yourself with us. I am so blown away by how far you have come in such a short time. You amaze me girl. Understanding that herpes can be an "opportunity" seems pretty out there at first and some people never ever get it but here you are embracing it and making peace with all that has happened, the disappointment, the fear, the anger, the "what ifs". You rock Johanna. :) And you are such an inspiration to others who are also struggling. This whole thing is a process. We don't ever "arrive" but it's more of a journey. I am so glad you are here as well. I have loved getting to know you and watch you blossom. I know there are amazing blessings in your future. Love you lots! Brenda xoxo

You already are stronger my dear. :) Everyday will get better and you are one wrong one closer to the perfect one!! Yay!!!

Hi Atlantic, I am so sorry to hear about your relationship but you are already seeing your strengths in this relationship. You had a successful discussion and a relationship after that, so now you know it's possible. Breaking up sucks no matter whether you have herpes or not and if there is something you are self-conscious about - whether it is herpes, weight, whatever, then it seems to come to the forefront at the end of the relationship. I have been there many times. I know for myself, the break up can be hard because it's the connection you miss, the good times, the good parts of the relationship you miss. All you can do is work through it and do what you need to do - cry, miss him, get mad, and then eventually you can brush yourself off and put on some lipstick and a smile and say "yes, I am ready" and you will go out there and try it again. I have been through my share of break ups and I am actually after a divorce a year and a half ago. I have been learning to love my time on my own. It wasn't easy at first, but slowly I started to get back to having a life and getting out with friends, doing things for myself, learning about myself and learning to finally love who I am. It's been a process but now I really enjoy my time on my own. I also enjoy my time with friends and I have decided that I am going to take a break from looking for love. If it comes by and knocks on my door, great. If not, well, I am enjoying my time and enjoying my life. Whatever happens is perfect. We are here for your my dear. I know some days it hurts like hell so reach out and let us hold your hand and soothe your heart for you. I wish I was there to give you a hug in person. Hang in there. It gets better!! Hugs, Brenda xoxo