WhoopsiDaysi

Forever - because Adrial is not here, I will give you the Adrial advice - You need to change your name to something positive because our words affect how we feel about ourselves. Maybe try something like foreverhappiness? :) I agree with everything Kristin said. That girl was reacting from her own stuff. Her opinion of you can only affect you if you accept it as truth. It's not truth and on some level you know that but I totally get that feeling of rejection. If you are feeling down and vulnerable, then it opens the door for people like her to come in and say those horrible and untrue things. Don't buy it but see it as a challenge to really love and accept yourself. Herpes has a way of slowing things down and creating a real sense of intimacy between people. If you were feeling loved and accepted by your partner then your body would react accordingly. I would take your lack of being able to rise to the occasion as a great indicator that your body and your spirit knew something that maybe you didn't want to see - she wasn't right for you. And that, my friend, is a good thing! It means you will always keep yourself safe. Love that beautiful, loving, amazing spirit that you are. Herpes is a great teacher. It has been such a blessing in my life. I have learned to love and accept myself more and to slow things down and not allow toxic people in to my life. I have saved myself so much heartache by having to take the time to really get to know someone first. Thank you so much for sharing because you know you are not the only person who has gone through this pain and by sharing your story, you are helping others as well. We are all here to love and support you as you heal. My prayer is that the next girl will see that lovely person that you are and appreciate the gift that you are. Trust me, when she is the right girl, all will be well. :)

Wow! Thank you Cedar. I have goosebumps. Literally. I am going to read Dave's article, but that really resonated with me - we date mirrors of ourselves. I think I dated mirrors of what I thought about myself. Who I thought I was and what I "deserved". It is so true that once we work on us and improve how we see ourselves, learn to be loving and kind and accepting of ourselves, then we attract people into our lives who do the same. And when those old mirrors come in to our lives, we can also start to recognize them and say "hey, not this time". The awareness, for me is HUGE. I love the idea of dating myself. I think many of us don't even know who we are or what we like, what lights us up, what our interests are. I have been a mom for 19 years and so I was "Joel's Mom". Now he is off on his own and I am divorced and I look in the mirror and I don't even know that person staring back at me. I am getting to know her, but it is a process. I think it is being kind to yourself as Adrial is doing, listening to your inner "Mom" who loves and nurtures you, and really being your own champion and cheerleader. Why is it so easy to turn on the judgmental, condemning voice and yet finding that kind, loving, gentle voice is so hard? I think some of us feel guilty when we're being kind to ourselves and feel like we just need to "suck it up". I know for myself, I need to be as kind and loving to myself as I am to my friends. I have started to ask myself in my times of insecurity or anxiety what I need. I talk to myself more as I would to a scared child and try to soothe myself instead of just screaming and condemning and judging and finding ways to make myself wrong and less than. It's a process and I am so happy to have so many of you to help me along my journey. I love this community where we can both support each other and demonstrate the sort of love we need to show for ourselves.

Thanks Cedar. :) sjj238, as Cedar has already said, it's like making do when you have your period. You find ways to be intimate without having sex and it's no different with an outbreak. You can tease the hell out of each other that week and have fun and experiment with things like massage. It gives you an opportunity to create a space for intimacy, rather than sex, which is really amazing. That is the gift in this virus - it helps to slow things down and, in my opinion, intensify the connection in a real way. You will find you way and what works for you. Make it fun! Be playful with your partner and tell him ways that you will drive him crazy and how it can be more about him. Now what guy is not going to be all over that?? :) If you make it fun enough, he may be looking forward to your next OB!

How wonderful Dom and Cedar. It also reminds me of a similar idea that nothing is good or bad, it just is and we decide for ourselves whether something is positive or a negative. Same with H. At the beginning I thought it was awful, worst thing ever but as I have lived with it, grown, healed and reached out I have come to realize it was a blessing. I still have H, nothing has changed in that regard, but what changed is my thoughts and beliefs about it and what it means for me. When we realize we have that power of choice, it is so freeing. The other idea is that frees me when I am stressed about something is the idea that the stress comes from fighting "what is". "It what it is" has been my mantra for a long time and I have come to realize I can either fight what is in this moment or I can accept it and live with it and move on. Again, all my choice.

Thanks so much for sharing these Adrial. I love how you can express yourselves. I have an emotional response every time I watch you two. :)

Kit Kat, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I know for me, herpes was a gift after my divorce because it did force me to take some time for myself to work through my divorce and what that meant for me, do some work on myself and the part I played in that relationship and help myself heal and become a better partner. I also had to come to terms with what it meant to have herpes and be in relationship. Nothing magnifies my insecurities like a relationship, so I needed to come to terms with how I was going to deal with that and to work through my own fears and insecurities around having herpes in a relationship. Maybe the reason you couldn't disclose was because you just weren't ready for a relationship? I am not sure, only you would know. But ultimately you know you need to trust your own judgment. Your friend is going to be coming from her own biases and insecurities. Take whatever time you need to just ease back in to being single, what being single with herpes means for you and how you feel about all that has happened to you so far. Use this time to really be present for yourself and do a ton of self-care. Treat yourself like you would someone you just fell in love with. When you are ready, you will know, and the disclosure will be so much easier. You sound like you are comfortable and have come to terms with having herpes and talking about it, which is awesome. Once you feel stronger, having herpes in a relationship will be much easier as well. The words will no longer get stuck in your throat. :)

Welcome Bengee. And all caps away my dear. I look forward to hearing more from you. Brenda :)

Bengee, first of all welcome to our community and family. Second, thank you so much for sharing your story. It breaks my heart that you struggled as much as you did but you are obviously a survivor and thriver. Having lived with suicide on both sides of the fence - both a survivor of my father committing suicide and having my own struggles with it - I can appreciate where you have been but I am also so proud of you for saying this is not how it's going to end, for having it within yourself to call for help and to think of how your choices would affect other people. That takes a hell of a lot of personal strength to be able to do that in the middle of a suicide attempt. It speaks volumes to your strength of spirit. Despite your struggles you friggin rock my dear in your ability to keep going and persevere. Stories like yours also solidify my resolve to reach out to others who may be struggling and especially to get to them at the very beginning of their diagnosis so they don't have to travel down the rabbit hole that some of us did. My prayer is that you are able to share your beautiful, strong, resilient spirit with others and I am so glad you joined us in our journey. Much love! Brenda

Emma, my experience has been that initially it seems really overwhelming to imagine having "HERPES" for LIFE. But now that I have actually lived with it for the last year and a half, I have come to realize it's not a big deal. Honestly, in my everyday life, it's not even on my radar. Yeah, when it comes to meeting a potential new partner, then it becomes a bit more front stage and can be a bit more of a "live issue" but once I get past that, it goes back into the background like anything else that "just is". It's like having the flu - annoying at the time when you're sick, but once you get well you just move on with life. Once you come to terms with it, herpes is just one more thing that makes you who you are. I can honestly say that herpes has made me a better person. I have learned so much about myself since my diagnosis. It has forced me to really look at my life and to heal those parts of me I had been trying to ignore all my life. Society may have a stigma about it, but we each get to decide whether we want to accept that or not. There are stigmas around so many things - height, weight, race, how much money you make, what you do for a living, etc. At the end of the day, each of us has our own struggles and we each have a choice in how we are going to deal with them - victim or victor. It's our choice. I am so glad you have reached out and you found this forum. Welcome!! Love, Brenda xoxo

Adrial, just throwing it out there - if you were interested in doing a Skype role play on what that might look like I probably know someone who would be willing to help you out. :) For some of us, it is more helpful to actually see what something like that might look and sound like rather than reading it. As you say, it's the nonverbals that speak far louder than words and that's not something you can put into words on a piece of paper.

Thank you so much for your post NotAlone. What a gorgeous story of healing and transformation. I am in awe of your journey and so very happy for you. Your beauty and strength shine through in your writing and I am so happy to hear how very well you are doing. What a lovely inspiration! Wish you much love and many blessings! Brenda xo

hahaha. Love it! A glass case of emotion - been there many times! :) Thanks Cam! Brenda

Kaybee, I am so sorry to hear you are in such discomfort. That has got to be so stressful for you. Did the doctor say the allergy was related to the herpes or was it a coincidence? I know for myself, If I am stressed and anxious, I break out in an itchy skin rash. The more anxious I get the worse it gets. Stress can do horrible things to your body. I know my first months with herpes I obsessed about getting another outbreak and stressed about it constantly. Every itch, ache or whatever was a sign that I was going to get another outbreak. With time and once things settle down, you heal. What have you been doing to really take care and nurture yourself? It sounds like now more than ever you need to find ways to take care of you, be as kind and loving to yourself as you possibly can and find a way to gear down the stress and anxiety. Do you incorporate any sort of relaxation techniques in to your daily practice? One thing I have found that really helped me was Nidra meditation. You can download it from You Tube. It is a totally guided meditation. Reaching out to us is also a great step in self-care. I can appreciate that right now with the discomfort you are having, it seems all so hopeless, but it will get better. Sending hugs and healing light to you my dear. Brenda xo

Good to hear Lovemyself. And I am SO glad to see your change of name. You are amazing and wonderful and don't ever forget it. There are lessons in all of life's challenges. Have a fabulous week and I look forward to hearing your list! Hugs!! Brenda xo

Suzyq15, first of all welcome to the group! And thank you so much for posting. Navigating sex after herpes is not easy. We have all struggled with it, trust me. As for Mr. Freaking Out, well, first of all, he didn't respect your boundaries and your "no". For him to be freaking out is his own damn fault. Next time maybe he will think with his big head and have more respect for what his partner is telling him. But back to you. Don't beat yourself up over this. You are still trying to figure out how to have a sex life with herpes and how to handle the disclosure, what to say, when to say it and then how do you handle their reaction, whatever it is. It gets much better with time and practice, trust me. Consider this just a learning opportunity. Now you know one way that doesn't work. :) I get being worried about being alone forever. Been there. We all have at the beginning. It's a totally natural and normal reaction but most of us have gone on to have sex lives and relationships and a pretty normal life. Herpes is just a bump in the road that, for many of us, has actually been an opportunity for personal growth and finding out more about ourselves, what we want, what we deserve and for many of us, it has resulted in making much better choices for ourselves when it comes to who we choose as a partner. Herpes allows those of us who stampede towards a relationship with eyes shut tight and brain turned off (I can't count how many times...oh yes, I can ....um, everytime) to sloooooooow things down, get to know the person a bit, invite our brain to the relationship and then decide whether this guy even deserves the time and energy it takes for "The Talk". Herpes also brings to light a lot of things we have been trying to "lalalalala" ignore in our lives. It is sort of like a spotlight on all the bits that we try to hide, ignore or pretend aren't there. With that spotlight, you can choose to shine light on those issues and do the work to heal them. I know for myself, it has been an amazing journey of healing and self-discovery. Keep posting my dear and reaching out. We are all here to love and support you through this wonderful journey of yours. Reaching out to a larger community is such a brave and wonderful choice for your own self-care and I really honor you for that. I applaud you and send you a hug. You have come to the right place my dear! Hugs, Brenda xo

Randb22. First, thank you for your honesty and candidness. It sounds like this herpes thing may be a turning point in your life. I tends to be like that. For some it's a wake up call saying "um, hellooooo, this could have been MUCH worse". You can take it as a wake up call for both of you. It sounds like you are both hurting, both making choices that may not be good for your marriage and for yourself. I get that you don't want herpes to run your life, but it is your new reality. You can't ignore it, you can't wish it away. A person of integrity discloses to EVERY partner before they have sex. And just remember a few things. A. 20% of the population has it so you have a 1 in 5 chance of meeting a partner who already has it. Since you are in a high risk lifestyle, my guess would be that number would be even higher. B. Not every person who doesn't have herpes will reject you. Disclosing keeps you safe and in integrity and also gives them the choice. Once they have made the choice, then they take on the risk. Also, my experience of having the talk about herpes opens the door to having a much freer discussion about their sexual health because you don't know what they may not be telling you. Also, I find that by disclosing about my herpes, I am much more comfortable talking about sex in general. I have had men tell me that they have never had such a frank and open discussion about sex with a woman before. Hey, after you have to talk about having herpes, nothing else is embarassing. I get that you're hurting and in denial and just want this whole herpes thing to go away already. The fact of the matter, it's not. It sounds like you have a bigger issue with your wife as far as trust goes and this is your opportunity to deal with that as well. Best of luck. We are here if you need to talk through this. Navigating feelings, fears, choices, etc. has not been easy for any of us so know you are walking down a path many of us have had to go down. Brenda

elle baby, you ROCK! Wow. I am SO proud of you and I really honor your journey. Thank you so very much in sharing your feelings and thoughts and your journey with us. My mantra since I got my diagnosis has been "it is what it is". I think it could be yours as well. You are finding out as many of us have that once you start talking about it, it really isn't a big deal anymore and it doesn't need to define or diminish who we are. :) Love you lots my dear!! Brenda xo

I would love to give you advice, but herpes has been a similar blessing for me as well. I really honor and congratulate you on the progress you have made!! Wow! Anyone who has not been down a similar path as you and I may not appreciate how frickin HUGE that is. So, you have my greatest respect and admiration starry. This guy sounds like he has his stuff figured out and you will know how to have the discussion when the time comes. The Talk is just another way to build that sense of trust and intimacy, as scary as the anticipation of having The Talk can be. Here is to true initimacy, not self-abandoning and respecting ourselves and setting boundaries. You rock my dear!! Brenda

You are welcome LOVEmyself. :) The wonderful thing and the hardest thing about this little virus of mine (and yours) is that it acts like a spotlight on stuff we already struggle with or have tried to ignore. The GREAT part is we have the awareness now and we can heal those other parts as well. If we are critical of ourselves, this little virus can ramp that up big time. But now that you are part of this wonderful family, you have a chance to send love to that critic and find kinder, more loving things to say instead. What a wonderful gift. And if you can't find wonderful things to say, ask us. We will give you all sorts of things to say like I am strong, I am lovable, I am kind, I am accepting, I am amazing, I am well able....need any more.....I've got lots. Start making a list Lindsay! Hugs from me to you my dearest. Love and hugs!! Brenda

I think we all struggle with this virus AllnADaysWork. I'd be lying if I said I didn't RSVP a few times myself. Thankfully we have this community to share our fears, our anxieties and to celebrate those moments when things go so well and we are feeling strong. Hugs to you my dear! Brenda xo

Wow. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with disclosures Pepper. I hope things with M go really really well!!

All - the more we try to fight something, the more it persists. Don't fight the thoughts, but acknowledge them, sit with them and love that part of you who is scared and insecure. You have read the posts on this site and you know that herpes does not mean you will remain in a celibate state for the rest of your life living the life of a leper. Herpes is just another part of who we are and it doesn't need to stop us from leading happy, loving, productive lives. You sound like you have a full life with your son, school, etc. Having herpes doesn't diminish any of that going on in your life, does it? It's the fear of the unknown that is scary. Once you get out there and start dating and meeting people who will love and accept all of you, herpes and all, you will realize that you don't need to worry. You are obviously a loving, intelligent, capable, caring person and the right person will recognize and cherish that. And until then, you have us. :) Sometimes talking about how you are feeling and getting support is the best way to heal, so lean on us and share your fears, as you are doing. We all love and support you in any way we can. Eventually those fears subside and you realize it's just a skin condition and nothing more and it doesn't need to stop you from living a full and happy life. Brenda xo

kp2 I would look at it like this (if I were you, which clearly I am not). In the dating world people are going to have issues and there will be deal breakers. If it wasn't herpes he was on the fence about but, say, that you had kids and he was NEVER going to date someone with kids, how would you answer him? I would suggest coming from a place of what you need in a relationship and a partner. Don't make him wrong, as Adrial has said. He is entitled to his feelings and his fears. However, you are entitled and you deserve a partner who will accept you for the fabulous, honest, beautiful soul that you are. I have run in to people who are totally freaked out about herpes and no matter how fabulous you are, they have this fear and you can't change that. Be happy he was honest with you about his feelings. Now it's your turn to be honest and authentic about yours. Only you will know what your boundaries are and whether you can stay in relationship with him, given what he has said.

LOVEmyself134 - we will love you until you believe it honey. Adrial is SO right. Our body and our cells hear what we say about ourselves and reacts in accordance with what it hears. A million chemical reactions go off with every emotion, every thought we have and we attract in to our lives what we think and what we believe. You have come to this site so obviously you love yourself enough to reach out. Swim in the sea of love and acceptance here and soak it in. By the time we are done loving you (which we never are, by the way) you will be a changed person and you will be out looking for other people to share the love with. If we are going to be infectious, this is the best possible way! :) Spread the love. :) Hugs to you my dear and welcome!! I am so glad you found a safe place to be the wonderful you that you are.

I am just coming out for the thrill of having electricity and running water that you Americans have. Igloo life can get tedious. :) I am SO excited to be coming back. Of course being the shrinking violet that I am, you probably can't tell! The feelings are mutual my dear. Can hardly wait for July to get here so I can get back to down and feel the love!