PositivelyBeautiful

Hi sf65xx, I have been following this string over the last few days, as I find your story to be interesting and sad, but ripe with opportunity. First, I am sorry that you have both found yourselves dealing with this, and I can't imagine the pain and love that has probably poured from both your hearts since receiving your wife's diagnosis. To me, this is a reminder of how unpredictable life really is... but what I pulled from your words very early on, was that you have found something special in your wife, that your bond, although at some point shaken, is strong and honest. To find real love, a deep soul-fusing connection in a lifetime is rare... and it seems, that's what you have. And yet, here is life testing your love, at a point when it likely needed to be tested... there is no right or wrong answer/decision here, but the thought of walking away from a love like that would never sit well with me. Tomorrow is not promised to any one of us, nor do we have any idea of what our existence will comprise of, if we are so lucky to see tomorrow. So to allow the fear of the unknown hinder this connection feels so sad, because the opposite seems so much more powerful... to embrace the unknown means that you have an opportunity to deepen your connection and feel even greater love than you have experience with one another. Maybe you'll get herpes, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll face having to deal with this alone one day, and potentially with negative partners, but maybe you won't. Maybe she'll pass first, maybe you will. Who knows, right? But what is certain, right now, is that you have the opportunity to release the fear and love your wife unconditionally, to tell her that her heart is worth it, and whatever happens later, you will deal with it then, if then is something you are graced with. Life is unpredictable, so whatever comes of this, I hope you follow your heart. Sending you both lots of love.

Thank you Dancer, and all of you on this forum, for all your support and love. I am so grateful for being exposed to the selflessness and strength from everyone who has participated on this forum. It's a truly magnificent experience to witness people from all over the world and walks of life come together to help one another. Herpes has changed me, but connecting with all of you has been the best change of all. Every day, this forum reminds me that our vulnerability and our authenticity opens us up to becoming stronger, more loving human beings. Thank you to all of you for opening and sharing you hearts! :)

Hi ShaeShae, First of all, you are not alone, you never are, and you are beautiful. Being loved and feeling worthy of love are our birthrights... Herpes, any other illness or personal characteristics cannot dictate our self-worth, only we can do that. I feel such pain from your words, but I want you to know that it doesn't have to be this way. As dancer said, it really comes down to a choice in how we perceive things, what we tell ourselves about those things, and what we ultimately choose to believe and live as truth. The most powerful way to overcome this very dark place is to recognize and change your thoughts. What you might be thinking in reading that is 'I'm incapable or I'm not strong enough or that's impossible'... wrong. You are are strong, and the strength and love you need to heal is within you; it's always been there. You just need to believe that. You need to start telling yourself, every single day "I am strong, I am not alone, I am loved, and I am worthy". Find the time to dig deep, identify the parts of you that are hurting, and work on healing those parts of you. How? Love yourself, do things that make you smile, and really cherish the moments when you feel happy, loved, positive and alive. Be awake in those moments. Choose every day to be grateful, and give thanks to everything that makes your life worth living. Start small; even recognizing how lucky you are to breathe and walk, and experience nature and its beauty around you can help change your perspective. Then find all the beautiful qualities that make you special and focus on those for a while. Ever gone out your way to help someone? Ever been that tower of strength to someone when they needed you? Ever given money to a homeless person, or hug or smile to someone who needed it? Those are all parts of you that are strong and gloriously amazing, recognize that, meditate on that. The world would not be the same without you; every one of us is special. Please, please, please start believing that you are too. I'm travelling right now, but I would be happy to talk to you some time. Start loving yourself, you deserve it.

Hi ShaeShae, first of all, do you know how brave you are for putting yourself back-out there? In that, I see so much of your strength. With that, a quote comes to mind, 'you never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.' I know you are scared and I know another rejection might devastate you again, but at the very least take some time to recognize what an amazing powerhouse you are, and allow yourself to believe you are worthy of a deeply-meaningful relationship and you that you will find it. It might burn a few times and possibly leave some scars, some of which will require more healing time that others... but as you prevail, as you keep facing those fears, you will find him. Just breathe, and give yourself the opportunity to enjoy getting to know this person... after date 5, you might not be so sure he's even right for you. And if he is, he will openly accept you, love you and show you just how special you are to him. One date at a time, we're all here for you.

I believe that IgM blood tests are known to be quite unreliable, and have generated a number of false positives. IgG is a more advanced method of testing. Western Blot is the gold standard.

Beautiful story Faith! Thank you for sharing your most courageous moment! You deserve all the happiness in the world with this guy, so enjoy it!! :)

Just read this and thought it might also help... http://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-mindful-ways-calm-mind-heal-heart/ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/fear-abandonment-know-your-worth/ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/youre-hurting-healing-give-break/

I am really sorry both of you are going through this right now, and sorry that these guys have made the choice to walk away. However, please try to understand that their decision does not mean you are unworthy of love or a great relationship. It's a choice we all have and make in relationships; sometimes the deal-breaker is herpes, sometimes it's kids, sometimes it's smoking, sometimes it's distance, sometimes it's age or any other characteristic that we assign value to. I know this seems unfair, because you are likely thinking that if you didn't have this condition, things would have been different. But you don't know that... so don't beat yourself up and assume that; maybe there would have been something else. The right guy will love and accept you regardless of any imperfection, and that does not only include herpes. We are all perfectly imperfect, and although you feel rejected now, one day, you will find acceptance. The right guy will see everything you have to offer, understand why you are truly special (cause there is no one on this planet just like you!!) and believe wholeheartedly that you are worth the very minimal risk. I know dealing with this rejection will not be easy; I faced it at the same time I was diagnosed, and the rejection was honestly harder to accept than the herpes itself. However, we can't magically make this go away, but we do have a choice... either dwell on the fact that you unworthy or tainted, or fight to remind yourself why you are so very worthy, and realize that in the end, they are missing out on someone truly amazing by walking away. There is an opportunity here to grow, to love yourself more than anyone possibly can, to accept yourself fully, and yes, this is easier said than done. But every single time you choose to consciously alter those negative, self-defeating thoughts, to believe that you are beautiful, worthy and truly special, facing rejection will become easier. It will empower you to find validation and worthiness in yourself, and not from the decisions of others. One more thing... I know you are hurting tremendously right now... but I like believe that the depth of our pain can only be equivalent to the depth of our joy. In other words, rejection hurts like hell right now, but acceptance, one day, will feel gloriously more potent than you can possibly ever imagine... and I think that's reflected in every positive disclosure story on here. You have that to look forward to one day, believe that. Sending you both (and all those dealing with rejection) lots of love.

@seeker, last point, well said. Embrace change.

Hi Mattiemorris, first of all, on behalf of all the women here that wonder why a man would choose them, thank you for being open minded and compassionate in seeing all the beauty this lucky lady has to offer. There are many factors at play here including viral shedding that you should be aware of, and the specific area of where she gets her outbreak will likely be an important factor to consider. That said, I think others on the form would be better suited to answer your question. However, as recently suggested in another post, if you really want to know the ins-and-outs, maybe talking to your doctor or scheduling a call with westover heights clinic to discuss specific questions would be helpful for you in understanding everything. It's $5/minute, but could be worth it.

Hello thisisafakename, many people will probably jump on after and provide some additional guidance, but here's my opinion on some of the questions you have... 1. I chose not to take antivirals as I want my body to be able to build up the antibodies faster and fight it off on its own. However, if you are experiencing outbreaks regularly, especially at the beginning, it might be a worthwhile move. I think it's a personal choice really, but I am in the category of avoiding meds, when possible. If you become physically intimate with someone or begin dating someone who is H- and accepting of your H+ status, then getting on supressive therapy is a conversation you can have with them at that time. It does reduce the risk of transmission, so it would be helpful if they are fearful. 2. I am really into fitness and well-being as well, and although not a vegetarian, i do often rely on nuts and seeds a source of protein. Not all triggers are created equal, so they might not affect you the way they affect others. However, if they do, you can increase your supplementation of lysine to counteract that. Too much exercise might wear your immune system down, so be aware of that. Herpes has not affected my life dramatically in terms of maintaining an active and healthy lifestyle; if anything, i think it helps. However, there will likely be a bit of trial and error before you figure out what works for you. 3. Glad that you are dealing with the diagnosis in a realistic and positive way. It's not easy for everyone, but that attitude will certainly help you carry-on with life, sometimes in an even better way than before. Yes, your dating life and whirlwind romances will likely change, and that might just be a positive thing as well. But nothing else has to change. Life doesn't stop with herpes; go out and enjoy every single thing you did before, and do it with an even greater appreciation than before. If herpes can teach us anything, it's that life is so unpredictable and you never know what's around the corner. As you said, things could be way worse, so be grateful that's a manageable skin condition that doesn't limit you from sharing drinks with great friends, dancing your pants off at a music festival or being fully present in some of life's most precious moments. The drinking can affect your immune system again, but you'll learn what's worth it and what's not fairly quickly in response to how your body handles it all. All that said, don't let this limit your ability to enjoy life. Instead, use this as a stepping stone to greater appreciation for all that life has to offer. Check out this post that Dancer pushed up today: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2211/change-your-words-change-your-world#Item_10 There is greatness and beauty in adversity, if we choose to see it and experience it that way. Hope this helps a little; you'll find many more amazing and courageous people on this forum in case you need an ear now and again, so don't be shy to reach out.

You can schedule a call with a doctor there; as Dancer said, it's $5/minute but they know their stuff when it comes to herpes. So, they can directly inform and address any questions he/you might have. Just something to consider. I called them when I first was diagnosed and it was worth every penny.

Got to love TedTalks, thanks for sharing! Got a few goodies out of watching that: 1. The question is not whether you are going to meet adversity but how you are going to meet it. 2. It is not the strongest or most intelligent species that survive, but the ones that are most adaptable to change. 3. The human ability to survive and to flourish is driven by the struggle of the human spirit, through conflict into transformation. :)

Dancer had some great advice, and perhaps the therapist will help, but have you considered making an appointment with a doctor to discuss any concerns or address any questions about him contracting the virus? Maybe this is something you guys have already done, but perhaps talking to specialist such as those at westover heights clinic might be a good option as well? Knowledge is power, right? And coming from medical specialist, it might be easier for him to come to terms with the risk. Just a thought. Hope it works out for you guys!

Great read, love happy endings, thanks for sharing Dancer! :)

I am a strong believer that what we feel about ourselves is often reflected in the people we attract into our lives. Your thoughts are powerful and if you allow yourself to believe 'why would anyone choose me' then you are telling yourself that you are not worthy of a loving, great guy... and you might just draw people into your life that confirm everything you already feel inside. This is an opportunity to work through self-limiting beliefs, find love for yourself from the depth of your being and start believing that you are a great catch with so many wonderful qualities to offer, and worthy of great love and an equally amazing partner. No one in the world is exactly like you, there is always something special that you have that no one else can offer. The right guy will recognize and want all of your awesomeness, regardless of any faults or imperfections. Love yourself first, work on changing your thoughts in each moment when negativity creeps in, and soon, day by day, you will come to believe that you are special and worthy of the most wonderful man. Few quotes to add: 'If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, life and joy.' Brene Brown. 'Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.' Saint Augustine. "As you peel it back, in the heart of nothing, that is love. You are what you are seeking. Life is a set up so that each of us can actually see in ourselves the truth for ourselves. What gets taken away are all the exterior means we thought we wanted love to come to us. You have the choice to notice the perfect set up to see love is exactly what you are." Adyashanti

I never really felt anger... Maybe I was not told, maybe he never knew, but that doesn't matter. I was involved, willingly, and it could have happened to anyone, at any time, even with protection. It's just the card I was dealt, and very quickly I came to understand that the way I play this hand (deal with this diagnosis) is a matter of choice: dwell, get angry, beat myself up, or accept, forgive, love myself regardless, and move on. It felt far less selfish to undertake the latter. My life, like everyone else's, is precious. I refuse to let this hamper my life, or waste any beautiful moment on negative self-defeating emotions. For me, having herpes has forced me to tap into the depth of my strength and love, and I think I have become an even better, more compassionate human being from the experience. How can I be angry knowing that?

Amazing news!! You deserve a great guy, so enjoy him, enjoy each other! :)

Sending all kinds of positive thoughts your way!! No matter his response, remember that you are worthy of love and the compassion and strength you show tonight is proof of that!

Thank you sharing your brave and successful moment!! To quote Brene Brown, 'Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.' perfect example of it... all the best!

Hey perfGentleman, agree with whitedaisies. Your gender has nothing to do with it; we all face the same rejection when it comes to having H because of the stigma and because of people's perception of the risk on their own health. Some people will always see H as too great a risk, and that's ok. At least we are considerate enough to give them the choice. Others, won't be bothered by it as much. Believe that the right woman will see beyond any superficial qualities and beyond the risk of this virus, to completely accept you and appreciate you for all the amazing things you have to offer. Trust that the people that walk out of your life are meant to, and that right girl won't. At the very least, be glad you found out her acceptance level now rather than weeks from now when you may have been more invested. Don't let this one shitty experience get you down, a gorgeous girl, inside and out, will surely come your way soon!

What a fabulous read to kick-start the weekend! For all those struggling, this might serve you well, if only for a moment. :)

I just recently decided to jump back into the dating game, but proceeding with caution. I decided to do a regular dating site, and see how the process goes day by day. It's not easy meeting someone you genuinely click with, so until I do, I don't really feel the need to worry. Of course, the thought of possibly having to have the talk one day is in the back of mind, but until I get to that point, I'm just going to enjoy the dating experience again. I chose to go to a normal site cause I didn't want to limit my choices, nor did I want to assume that I would be rejected by an H- partner or that I wouldn't even meet an H+ partner on the site. At the end of the day, whatever is meant to happen will happen, and in facing these fears, staying positive and relentlessly pursuing my journey in finding Mr. Right, I feel very confident that I will. What I find most interesting right now about dating, is how I am approaching relationships and the guys I meet. Yes, physical attraction is still important, but I am looking for characteristics that may help me pinpoint whether they would even be receptive to this... and I am also not going anywhere near the bedroom any time soon. Dating to court and get to know someone really well, leaving physical out of the equation (as much and as long as possible) is refreshing. I do understand that everyone is different and you will have to do what you feel most comfortable with, but just thought I would share my own perspective.

I agree with Inka... Why disclose if you have no intention of being with him? What purpose does that serve? If you know the reason, and you care about him as a friend, polite honesty might give him some closure. I think it's important to just be honest in the most compassionate way possible. Just tell him you don't see a future with him, or better yet, ask yourself if the tables were turned, how would you like someone else to handle it?

Maybe it's not so much the supplements but the fact that your body is still trying to build up the antibodies to fight the virus? It will probably take some time to normalize. Again, if you are concerned about the various supplements, I would strongly recommend seeing a naturopath for guidance. After all, that's what they do and can guide you accordingly.