PositivelyBeautiful

Hi Cleopatra, you are not the first to make this mistake... and although you probably should have been more forthcoming about this from the beginning, or least before you were intimate... you made a mistake, this does not mean that you are a bad person, it means you are human, and shit happens. So take some time to forgive yourself, and give him the space he needs to process his own feelings. You have no control over how this will end with him; he might not be able to look past this. At this stage, you also don't know if he has contracted it or not. Give this situation time, give him space and take the time YOU need to deal with this alone. You need to come to terms with your diagnosis, and understand how it affects your body, and also get your head in a place that will help you not make this mistake again. Your love life is not over, but it has changed. We cannot put ourselves in the same careless situations as before, because it's not just about us anymore. Be patient with yourself and this man, and let the cards fall where they may. I know waiting is difficult, but it's all you can do, and it also affords you the time you need to get in a good place again. Sending you lots of love. Stay strong.

Hi James, and welcome to the forum! I loved reading this... great insight and your expressions made me laugh, almost as though I could hear you saying it! Sending you all kinds of positive vibzzzzz for your disclosure :)

If people want something to be wrong about you— they are going to make things wrong about you. That is why it is my belief to never try and prove anything to anyone. Real diamonds belong to people who know how to spot a real diamond; they don’t belong to people who need to be convinced that they are real diamonds. It’s the idiots who need to be convinced of something that they cannot already see. - C. Joybell C.

Ultimately it is your decision, but I think you should definitely tell her how her reaction has affected you, and provide her with more information. I think sometimes people need to hear how their actions/words have affected a person to provide some perspective... sometimes they just don't realize. Although as a therapist, I would like to think that she would know better... but apparently not. Going forward with expressing your feelings and providing some level of education could not only benefit you and her, but maybe someone else who comes to see her with similar issues later on.

Hi jmac11, there was a post recently from someone else with HSV2 in her throat (http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5455/oral-hsv-2-strikes-again#Item_2), so you are certainly not alone... there might be some information in her discussions that can help you. And there are probably more cases out there than we think, as a sore throat can easily be misdiagnosed. No matter what you are not alone... we are all facing the same stigma/issues/pains, no matter where we have herpes. And someone will love you and accept you fully, just as you had decided to accept you ex boyfriend. Take it one day at a time and work on changing those self-limiting thoughts. You deserve to be loved and you will be. Reach out when you need us, we are all here for you.

Thanks for encouraging a reply @MMissouri! @JessikaRoabbit89, I read it and smiled!! So, there are probably plenty others who did the same. Thank you, and love ya right back! And love that you did this, cause I try to do this type of thing with friends and family as often as I can. So many of us feel great things, think great thoughts, smile and cherish those feelings but then keep them to ourselves. It's so nice to take a moment out of our day to say I love you, thank you, I was thinking about you, you're incredible, whatever... cause you never know if you will get another chance to write them or say them. And by sharing them, you brighten someone else's day too! :) I've said it before, and will say it again, this community is full of incredible, loving, supportive people, and it constantly amazes me to see such love, kindness and compassion shared between strangers from all parts of the world. Loads of love to you all!!

Thank you for the update, and sooooo glad that you guys were able to work through it. Having those difficult conversations is all part of being in a solid relationship (herpes or not), and it seems like you guys are well on your way to realizing that. And, I totally agree with him getting tested... I would ask the same. Enjoy each other, you deserve it. :)

I had a feeling he would come back eventually. Glad you received some sort of closure from his apology. Sometimes just letting things be, letting go in the moment is the best (yet most difficult) thing that we can do. I keep this quote handy to remind myself that in reality, life and other people's reactions are completely out of my control: "Never expect, never assume, never ask, and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it is meant to be, it will happen, the way you want things to be." Side note, take some time to really think through if you want his man back in your life intimately. Staying friends is one thing, but there were other characteristics about him that you expressed earlier on that might be cause for concern. Of course, it's your choice and you will make the best decision for you, but just be cautious.

I agree with how you are feeling about his comment, but also agree with what Sil said. On one hand, he should not have said what he said but clearly he has not accepted the stigma as it relates to himself. And he's human, he said something without thinking how it would make you feel. Like any new relationship, you're both going to have to learn what pushes your buttons, what is acceptable and what is not... no one is perfect, and I am sure his intentions were not to make you feel bad, but he can't take back what he said. Talking this out, calmly expressing how that made you feel, listening and perhaps accepting his explanation and apology will allow you both to clear the air on an important topic, and then move on. If you can, try not to hold that comment against him. I understand that it's upsetting, and you have the right to feel hurt, but I am sure after this convo he will never utter anything close to those words again, knowing now he should have never made that statement to begin with. Everyone has said hurtful things to other people without realizing, not about just about herpes, but about anything...this is one of those times. Go into this conversation with an open but forgiving heart... it might just bring you both closer together.

Wow... it always amazes me how disrespectful and inconsiderate some people can really be. Be grateful that you are not with this man anymore... correction, child. If I were you, I would take the high road. I wouldn't comment on his post, but create my own, that is more along the lines of what others have done to 'come out'. Show your vulnerability and wear it proudly, and take the time to fully educate people on the misconceptions and realities of what herpes is and how many more people live with it than they think. This guy has given you an opportunity to break down some of the stigma, so don't fall victim to shame because that's exactly what he wants you to do. Stand strong, and open your heart up; all the love and support that will come from it will squash any negative repercussions he might have sought to inflect on to you. And maybe, just maybe, he will feel bad when he realizes that people will look badly on him for attempting to put you down for having a very common virus, once they understand what it's all about. You might want to mention the reason you're coming out (because someone did it for you already, that you are not ashamed by it, and that you want to take the opportunity to clarify and educate). No matter what you do, don't fall into his trap, don't allow your self-worth to be inflicted by his selfishness and lack of compassion. You are not this virus, and anyone that is ignorant enough to not want learn about it, or find compassion, isn't worth having as a friend anyways. Hope this helps, stay positive.

I've been dabbling with online dating, and do message men that have interesting profiles, but from what I understand women do get faaaarrrr more messages than men. So ya, it can be tricky and time-consuming for women to read all the messages/profiles. If you're using this as a test phase, be brave and bold and message away, because you really have nothing to lose! I have dated men but have not been in a position to disclose. I am taking the approach that I would like to invest time in getting to know them (to decide if I actually even want to disclose) and giving them the opportunity to know me in case I do want to disclose. I don't know how this will all pan out, and I could possibly face resentment for not disclosing sooner, but this is where I am at on this journey right now and feel I would be doing them a disservice by not letting them see what they might be walking away from. This could all change, but already I have walked away from a few people because of things not even remotely related to sex or herpes. I am also enjoying the process of leading with my head and heart... it's been an eye-opening experience, and total game changer for me. Herpes is by far the best chastity belt ever! Lol. Anyways, good luck with this experiment and keep us posted! I hope to do some extended traveling myself this year and might consider trying something similar. All the best and safe travels!!

Glad it helped you guys a bit... It's so easy to get caught up in life, and the pains we experience, but it's so important to always be kind to ourselves and take the time to recognize, value and love ourselves. All that positive self-loving energy will also trickle into other areas of our lives, sometimes without even realizing. :)

I love what whitedaisies has suggested here, in focusing your energies and thoughts on those things in life that will make your heart smile, on a better sense of accomplishment, and a more fulfilling sense of growth. Every action will provide concrete examples as to why you are capable and worthy of living fully, and loving fully. It reminds me of a quote I keep handy too: "The love of your life is out there... but they won't just drop on your lap, nor you on theirs. So stop living an on-hold life! Go out there and experience your life, write your story and live your fairy tale. It is on that journey that you'll cross paths with the love that is worthy of the story."

Hello all you gorgeous souls, here's an article I just came across and wanted to share. Hope it provides some perspective and inspiration to those who need it most. Never stop loving yourself, cause you're worth it. http://earthweareone.com/what-self-loving-people-do-differently/

Seeker, you are so right. Disclosures are scary, but it's nice when you get to a place where you have found someone that you might want to disclose to. It's one more step towards something potentially amazing. You never know what the outcome will be, but with great risk comes the potential for great reward. You'll meet your special lady one of these days; I know she's out there waiting for you, and I'm sure we'll be the first to hear about it when you finally find her!!

You are not alone... but I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling with this. There is no official time as to when acceptance comes... sometimes we will feel ok, and sometime we will hurt; it's all a normal process of being human, of being vulnerable. However, perhaps you should reach out to a therapist for some help? You might need to work with someone intimately on a regular basis to find ways to build your self-esteem back up. You deserve to be happy and feel that you are worthy of all the love in the world... it's time to take a step towards that, find help yourself. You deserve to smile, every single day.

Hey Reachout, first of all, congrats on facing your fears and being courageous in your vulnerability!! I am kind of entertaining a long distance thing (unfortunately it is the nature of my living situation) and this has given me some hope that a long-distance disclosure won't be as difficult as it feels it might be. Anyways, I think as long as you gave him all the information up front, that you are taking every precaution, and that you stay aware of any symptoms or a potentially weakened immune system, then you should just enjoy this fully because you deserve the butterflies! You might be nervous and it might be difficult to wrap your mind around the intimacy at first, but take it slowly... no need to rush things... enjoy the process of developing the trust and intimacy. That will likely help you put your mind at ease. Enjoy every minute of getting to know this man!! :)

Ihaveittoo1975 hit the nail on the head... if you listen to people with those thoughts and opinions (who likely do not know that much about herpes in the first place...cause honestly before we all got it, we didn't know that much either), then you will be stuck. What I find interesting here is that you are making a lot of assumptions based on what you "think might" happen if you told someone... without having actually even tried. You are already rejecting yourself based on these perceived assumptions. Part of giving people the choice to walk away is also giving them the choice to stay. Why not give them the chance to make an educated decision, once they have gotten to know you a bit? Perhaps, just perhaps, they will think that you are worth it. Perhaps, they will not care about the stigma or the risk. Perhaps they will have it too! Why not let go of the fear of "they definitely will reject me" and open your heart to "I don't know, maybe they will, maybe they won't"... and let the cards land where they may. It's scary as hell, but facing your fears, confronting these limiting beliefs that you have concocted and adopted based on what you have read or feel, is the only way to break down barriers and grow. Imagine if some of the greatest scientists just assumed things were as they are because that's what people said... imagine if no one ever took risks to challenge their beliefs...I couldn't; how sad. You have to try in order to fail or succeed... and when you fail, you have to try again until you do succeed. Not just in this situation, but in life. There are many people here who have felt the way you do, then only to find someone who openly accepted them... and that was what changed their entire perception of living with this diagnosis. I guess all I wanted to add was stop making assumptions, stop assuming that someone will automatically reject you because the reality is that you don't know that until you give them the choice. There are too many what ifs to say for sure what the outcome of any situation will be... don't jump to conclusions, let people love you regardless of herpes, because they will want to. Perhaps telling some friends, and talking about it with those you can trust is a first step... having those around you show your support and love regardless might help to build your confidence back up. There are people here who came out to their entire facebook network, and they were openly received with an outpouring of love and support. Don't carry this alone, telling the people you trust most might help you understand that people will accept you and love you regardless... one step at a time, you'll get there. And when you do, we'll be here to praise your successes and share in your triumphs.

You're not a whining child by any means... this is not an easy pill to swallow. Some just take longer than others to have that ah-ha moment, or just find acceptance. For me, I just said to myself, "I am not going to allow society's stigma to define my worth." and I was committed to that. I am still the same beautiful, intelligent, kind and loving person I was before H, and ultimately, NOTHING has changed about me. I caught a virus, i'm human, and it can happen to anyone, at any time, in any situation. Yes, I have to have awkward talks, and face rejection for something out of my control, but that's just it... there is no control in anything in life... someone could easily reject me for many other reasons, and vice versa. Nothing fundamental about you has changed either... and yes, it will be very difficult to be vulnerable and share an intimate fact, whether for casual encounters, or something more, but when/if someone walks away, it's not about you... you are compassionate and honest and kind enough to give them a choice, and that commands a lot of respect. And from the stories of disclosures on here, a lot of people won't be phased by it. You will come to realize that the people that do stick around, are the kind of people you will likely want in your life regardless. Don't allow this to limit your life, because it doesn't have to... change your mindset, change your thoughts, believe that you are just are amazing as you were before... because you are. If you need help, do anything you can to find it. You owe yourself the opportunity to feel fulfilled and happy again. Reach out if/when you need us, we're all here with you.

Thank you Carlos for sharing your story and your thoughts... so beautifully said. All the best to you in 2015, and cheers to growing new roots!

Hey... I think, like everything else in life, it's a matter of perspective. This is nothing more a skin condition that cannot and will not kill you or limit your ability to experience life to the fullest. Think of the person who contracts HIV, or the man who finds himself completely paralyzed after a freak accident, or the woman who is struggling to beat cancer for the 2nd time. I know this is hard to accept, but you can choose to slowly alter self-defeating thoughts and recognize that in the grand scheme of things, this is not all that bad. Granted, if you are struggling with the physical symptoms, it can be a constant reminder... and a painful one. Part of getting your body back in a healthy place is getting your mind there first... working everyday to find love yourself, and seeing the value you have to offer beyond this diagnosis would serve you well. It's not easy... life is not easy, but every little effort, every little moment where you take a pro-active approach to changing the negative feelings and thoughts, will slowly but surely lead to you to a happier life. Yes, nobody wants herpes, but we have it, and it's not magically going to disappear... so you have a choice: 1- beat yourself up, put yourself down, dwell in anger and despair, and dive into a cave of unworthiness, or 2- do anything and everything you can to forgive yourself, love yourself, and recognize that you are worthy of everything you desire in life and love. Considering we only have one life to live, that every day is a gift that we will never get back, I choose option 2. From reading another post of yours, is it possible that the feelings you have for not feeling loveable stem from something deeper? Perhaps, H has just put a magnifying glass on something that needed to be tackled anyways. The stigma that society has created about herpes cannot dictate your worth... in fact nobody can, but you. What you believe about yourself is powerful, and finding love for yourself, regardless of any ill event or experience, is the only way you will get out of this dark place. Have you considered working with someone? Perhaps going to see a therapist to help you through this? It has been helpful for many, so maybe something to consider. I'm a quotes kinda girl, so I'll leave you with a few: "You matter because you are, and you matter until the last moment of your life." "Start using every day to let go of that scared part of you that won't let you live life fully." "This journey is one of passing through exactly where you have been struggling not to go." "Your sense of self is determined by where you are focusing your consciousness." Sending you lots of love and all kinds of positivity. You deserve happiness, acceptance and love. It's your birthright.

Hey, so yes, as whitedaisies said, you have been exposed to it, but this does not mean you have contracted it. There are plenty of H+ people who have loooong relationships with H- people, and never contract it. The fact that she is aware of her diagnosis and her body bodes well for you... as her knowledge gives her the best chances of preventing transmission. Yes, asymptomatic shedding does exist, and yes, there is always a risk... but there is no reason to panic or worry right now. Just get the test in due time and assume you have not contracted it. However, if you do have potential partners following this, it might worthwhile to express your recent exposure upfront, until you know for sure. I think it would be something you would like want to know as well. Also, this might scare you enough to walk away from her, but have you considered just talking to her about your fears and concerns, openly and honestly, instead of cutting off the relationship completely? Perhaps, it's a matter of being more diligent with use of protection that will ease your fears and worries. I would encourage you to open up to her and tell her how this has made you feel, and let her openly receive those concerns so you can make a decision together. Hopes this helps a bit... try to not to worry too much, you're probably A-ok.

Hey there, I agree with whitedaisies... he is fully knowledgeable consenting adult, and has made a choice to be with you and has clearly accepted his diagnosis. Time for you to accept it as well. There are plenty of people who are asymptomatic, so it is very likely that he is one of those people. If he was really concerned about a false positive, then he would likely do something about it. Apparently, if he thought there was a chance that he wasn't positive, the risk does not scare him, so stop letting it scare you. Let go of your fears and embrace the acceptance and love that he is offering you... don't let this destroy something really special... you deserve this acceptance and love, so try to find it for yourself.

Hi whitedaisies, Just listened to this Tedtalk and thought it might help to provide some perspective. Keep trying until you get there, and believe that you can, because you will.

Beautifully written, thank you for your positive voice and for that great quote!!