PositivelyBeautiful

I'm really sorry to hear that you guys are having a hard time... First of all, 80-90% of people acquire HSV1 oral... it's very very common and a lot of people don't know they have it. A lot of people get it as children from family members that don't know about viral shedding. Have you guys considered going to counselling or speaking to someone. I think the most important thing here will be to try to keep the lines of communication open. And are you sure the distance is from this diagnosis? Sometimes herpes has a way of shedding light on underlying issues with oneself and/or a relationship. I don't mean to imply anything, but I think that counselling might help you guys also dig into deeper issues that might be surfacing because of this recent revelation. No matter what, don't allow this diagnosis to get in the way of a fulfilling and happy life and marriage, after all, it's just a skin condition and a huge majority of people have it. You are no different than 80-90% of the population carrying this virus. Also, concerning the physical symptoms, you can try coconut oil to relieve the dryness. You can also take lysine supplements which has helped some on here. Worst case, you can ask your doc to give you some antivirals, at least to help ease any discomfort when you have outbreaks. Hopes this helps a bit. Go easy on yourself, and do what you can to get him to open up... you guys deserve to find happiness with one another again. Don't let this get between you. We are here if you need us.

Well, you definitely have friend here. So when you want to vent or need some support, we are all here for you. And it WILL be ok. Dating is hard for anyone, finding that connection is not easy. And yes herpes does complicate things, but trust me when I say, it will NOT stop you from finding a great guy, one that will openly accept and love you, even with herpes. Tons of H- and H+ get together, and have happy, long-term relationships without ever transmitting the virus. Life goes on after herpes and relationships have the potential of being deeper and more meaningful, because we are forced to be very vulnerable, earlier on. Others that were diagnosed way long ago will tell you the same. It's going to ok. This will not stop you from having anything you want in this life. If you need us, we are here for you.

Hi @DrNoLove, first of all, welcome, and kudos for reaching out... you are not alone. There are a ton of supportive and amazing people on here that have been where you are, and have come through with flying colors, and we will all be here for you on the good and bad days, no matter what. Can I ask you something? What is stopping you from sharing this news with your friends? Yes, you have herpes, but nothing about who you are as a person has changed in any way. Sure you have some uncomfortable symptoms and have to have an awkward talk once in a while, but everything that makes you uniquely amazing is still firmly intact. Are you are choosing to isolate yourself from the closest people in your life because of fear that they might look at you differently? If that's the case, face your fears, open heart and tell them what you are going through. You will find out very quickly who you're real friends are. If they walk away or judge you, they are not true friends. But chances are, they won't. In my case, I told all of my close friends, and each and every one of them were extremely supportive and compassionate. People that make jokes are ignorant and uninformed... they don't know the facts. Part of telling my friends was getting their support, and part of it was educating them about herpes. Because before I was diagnosed, I was equally misinformed, and so were they. You don't have to live with this like it's some terrifying secret... secrets make people sick. It's the beginning of healing the emotional of this. You might be surprised how accepting those closest to you will be, and that in itself, will help you gain confidence when you are ready to finally date again. When I was first diagnosed, I realized very quickly that I had a choice... to beat myself up, put myself down, wallow in self-pity and destroy my sense of worth, or do the complete opposite - forgive myself, accept my shortcomings and love myself regardless. We are human, our bodies are susceptible to catching viruses, and it can happen to anyone at any point in time. No one is immune to the risk. Put this into perspective, it could have been so much worse, think of those that are diagnosed with cancer, HIV, or get into a freak accident that leaves them paralyzed. Herpes can't stop you from living a completely fulfilled life and realizing any dream. The only thing that will stop you is you. You have a choice here, and that's what it comes down to. You can take acyclovir every day, think negative thoughts, and let it act as a reminding of your mistakes, or you can choose to be grateful that's just an annoying skin condition and look at all the beauty in your life that surrounds you, herpes aside. Dating is hard, trust me, I've been there, still am. But in all honesty, herpes made me a better judge of character, allowed me to slow down enough to see if that person was someone that I even wanted in my life, and whether they were deserving of my heart. It forced me to lead with my head and heart, and not get so caught up in the physical, which I believe was what I needed to do before herpes anyways. It's the best filter I have ever had in finding the right connection with someone. Sure, it's sad that it came down this, but I can't take it back or change it, so where's the silver lining, how can use this to my advantage? boy, have I. I am so grateful for all the lessons and the growth, because I am stronger than I ever was before. I am not invincible, but stronger. You will be too. But go easy on yourself, one step at a time. Consider telling more friends, and sharing this very vulnerable part of you with them. Let people in, and let them love you. We're not meant to do this alone. Don't choose to walk this path alone, and in fear. Be fearless and open your heart to deeper friendships and greater healing. You deserve and owe yourself that. Like I said, no matter what, we are all here for you, you are never alone. Here are some quotes for you: "This journey is one of passing through exactly where you have been struggling not to go." "The question is not whether you are going to meet adversity, but how you are going to meet it." "I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." "Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."

Hi @Blueskygirl, I read your other post as well about the most recent guy going MIA, but wanted to give you a single response... First of all, I'm really sorry that you are hurting right now... but I want you to try to understand that this guy's disappearance act has absolutely nothing to do with you... whatever he is going through right now, this is how he is choosing to handle it. This is not a reflection of what he thinks or feels about you, this is about him. This doesn't make him wrong or a bad person, everyone makes decisions based on how they are feeling at the time, their previous experiences, and what they ultimately feel is best for them. You can speculate all you want about why he has chosen to act like this, but ultimately, it's all out of your control. You cannot force or expect anyone to react the way you would have or the way you want them to... let him go. The reason you are having so much anxiety is because you are internalizing his behavior, when in fact, you need to just accept the reality that he is gone and he has chosen to leave for his own reasons, and trust it's for the best, and move on to find someone more worthy of you. I've been in this situation 3 times in the last year, and I'm not going to pretend it's easy... but trying to figure it all out will serve you no good. Nor will thinking that you or herpes is the reason he left... Trust that this is exactly what needed to happen, and try to learn from this experience. Each time I let go, and came to understand it was the best decision for them, every day got easier. Eventually, you will get your answers... in my situation, each of them came back... but I didn't want them anymore. I understood in the time they had left that I was worth so much more, I deserved better. They gave me that... the time I needed to understand I was potentially settling for less than I deserved. Blessing in disguise. That said, there is something underlying here that comes across in both of your posts... it sounds like you are seeking acceptance in other people, when in fact, you need to be looking for that within yourself. To even allow yourself to settle for less than you deserve suggests you still have not really found your own worth. The fact that you gave your body to someone, admitting you felt pressured into doing so, suggests you were seeking acceptance and validation in your worth externally. This is what this experience and all the ones before are trying to teach you. NO ONE, no one but YOU decides what you are worth. No one can give that to you or make you feel accepted. You have to understand, that regardless of herpes, and every other imperfection, you are beautiful and worthy. You have to believe that you are worthy and deserving of the greatest love from depths of your being. When you do, you will hold your partners to higher standards, and you won't settle for anything less than being treated with love, respect and kindness and compassion. When you do that, when you believe in your own self-love and worth, and follow-through with actions that reinforce those beliefs, that's when the right guy will walk into your life. He will see everything you already see in yourself. And please know that your body is sacred... hold off on the physical side of your relationships. When someone is worthy of your heart, then and only then, are they worthy of your body. I read this quote once through this journey (actually here - a must-read post!! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love), and it stuck... “Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.” - Charlie Chaplin in a letter to his daughter. Let it stick. All that to say, you deserve to NEVER settle, to find great love and complete acceptance for exactly who you are... but it starts from within. Do some soul-searching, commit to confronting the parts of you that you try to hide, and learn to love them anyways... tell yourself every day why you are an amazing soul, and believe it... every day, you will feel stronger, and more confident and more deserving than the previous. It will take time, it will be hard, but it will be worth it, you are worth it. I hope this helps a little. Stay strong. A few quotes for you: "If you persistently seek validation from others, you will inadvertently invalidate your own self-worth." - Dodinsky "Learn to accept rather than expect, you will have far fewer disappointments." - Unknown "We become aware of the void as we fill it." - Antonio Porchia

Update - He went to get tested the same day this was posted. Results pending, but nothing has changed between us. Will keep you all posted.

@Adrial, no chance you are getting away with wiping out my first disclosure story!! lol. Good thing I kept a copy in my journal. ;) - Originally Posted April 2, 2015 - Hey everyone, I haven't been on the forum in a while, but back with a story that I definitely wanted to share with all of you. While I had disclosed to a potential partner when I was first diagnosed (read it here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4384/coping-with-diagnosis-and-what-if#latest), this is the story of what I consider my first real disclosure. Around mid February, I met a man online who I started chatting with... after a few weeks of talking, we decided to meet. We went out for dinner one night and then spent the next 5 days entangled in a beautiful series of moments and complete togetherness. We didn't leave each other's side. There were definitely sparks, but much more than that... it was natural, easy and surreal. We had discussed waiting to be intimate, and were on the same page, wanting to allow the emotional side of the relationship to develop before we would succumb to our lustful urges. We both wanted a deeper connection, and saw in each other very quickly the ability to have that... if only we were patient. Meanwhile... I am thinking: when should I tell him? I wanted him to see everything I had to offer, but I didn't want us to become too emotionally invested; 1- to protect my own heart and 2- to make sure he was making a choice from a grounded place. I consulted friends, I browsed the forum, but ultimately decided to wait until the moment presented itself or until it felt right. My gut said that he would be compassionate and kind, and that it would be ok. I trusted that. The moment came last night... I didn't plan it; mind you, I probably had rehearsed the scenario in my head a thousand times before, even before we had met. During our 5-day date, I had mentioned there was something I had to tell him one day, but that I wasn't ready. It came up in conversation last night, and so we danced... he played a guessing game, and I hinted until we were both talking about the same thing, but neither of us outright said it. And then I told him... 'I have genital herpes' barely made it out of my mouth without me stumbling on the words. I told him my story, I cried a bit, gave him the facts, and almost immediately, he was inquisitive, supportive and compassionate. He asked questions, and I answered them. But nothing about his level of interest changed... instead, we made a plan together, so that he would find out his own status, and once we have that answer, we will deal with the rest. We even had a little fun after it all. ;) This morning when I woke up, I thanked him for being so open and understanding. He is truly an amazing man that is so deserving of my heart, and no matter what happens, I am grateful for meeting him and having this positive experience. In response to my thanks, he said this to me: "If our journey together lasts as long as I hope it does, we will need to support each other and accept things that will be far more difficult than this. People that walk out quickly were never meant to be. People that stay and fight by your side are the ones you want by your side forever. I told you about holding hands and walking through a doorway together. Opening your heart completely, to the point where the level of vulnerability is equivalent to walking around the tip of the highest tower is a way bigger challenge. Let us step lightly and slowly...together." I wanted to share this very intimate message with all of you so that those who are struggling with wondering how and if someone will ever accept them, know that the right person will. When you take the time to forgive yourself, to fully accept your shortcomings, and find the depths of your love that is and has always been in you, you WILL find all of it mirrored back at you one day in the eyes of someone very special. Do the work, accept your love and open your heart to the possibilities that lie ahead. I don't know what the future holds for either of us, but if this relationship continues with such honesty, courage, kindness, compassion, and care, deep love will certainly transcend. You are all beautiful souls, and deserve the same. Believe that always.

It can take up to 4 months to develop antibodies... so a blood test 4 months post-exposure should be accurate.

Hi @rainyhoney, I don't mean to send you reeling again, but IGM tests are notoriously unreliable. This is not to suggest they are always wrong, but did you ever do a type specific IGG test? Did you get any antibody levels values? What were the previous tests that you did?

Heya, so to answer some of your questions, 1.8 is positive but on the lower side, so could indicate a recent exposure. Also, anything between 1.1 and 3.5 has a 40% chance of false positive. To really be sure, wait 4 months post exposure and get the western blot. It tests for 14 different proteins rather than 1 or 2 in the herpes strain from an IGG test. Westover Heights Clinic is the only one authorized to handle the test, but it would provide confirmation. The bumps might be herpes, or might not.. it's very hard to say if they never become full-on lesions. Not everyone has symptoms... and are known as asymptomatic carriers... (I am also asymptomatic, would never have known/suspected without a blood test) Most of the time herpes symptoms are very mild so about 80% of people with genital herpes don't even know they have it... You can try and get the bumps swabbed, which would help you determine if they are or not, but sometimes just coordinating that can be very difficult, and you might just continue to swab with negative results. Again, a lot of people never get blisters, but do get other symptoms like feeling tired, or general aches and pains, and flu-like symptoms. If that's your case, consider yourself lucky, because the physical pain of having sores can be quite excruciating for some people. Concerning medication, you don't need to take any if you don't want to... especially if you have no symptoms. It would allow your body to build up antibodies on its own for a while too. If you ever do decide to be intimate with someone who is H-, taking the antivirals would help minimize the risk for them. Now, I know this is all new to you, and it's not going to be easy to come to terms with everything... so just give yourself some time, be patient. It will get better. We have all been there, at the beginning, hurt, lost, searching for answers, wondering how this happened, and wondering how we will cope. Know that nothing about you has changed, that everything you are on the inside is still firmly in tact, and that herpes is merely an inconvenient skin condition. Don't buy into the narrow-minded stigma that society has created, because it is sadly based on a serious lack of education and ignorance. You have every opportunity to live a full and amazing life and herpes will never hold you back from anything... Yes, you will have to have very vulnerable talks with new partners, but it can be a blessing which helps weed out the bad from the good. You will have the opportunity to build relationships that are more rooted in honesty, compassion and acceptance. I know it might be difficult to accept right now, but trust me when I say every day will get better, and easier. And when you are having a tough time coping, we're all here to help you through it.

Hi Rapture, this could suggest your antibody levels are building, yes. You do still fall into the 40% false positive zone, but a second test with higher values might indicate building antibodies. It can take up to 4 months for the antibodies to fully develop... I would suggest waiting until 4 months post exposure to do another one to know for sure.

Hey @jers113... I am not sure I am the right person to answer this, but I think the chances of getting herpes whitlow (on the fingers) are very low. While it is possible to autoinoculate, especially during the first few months after the primary outbreak, you "should" be ok... If you want to be very safe, wait those 4-6 months to let your body build up the antibodies and then you should be good to play/touch all you want. @Dancer can weigh in on this though, she would know best.

Hi @Samantha90... really hard to say because everyone reacts differently. It could be herpes, it might not be herpes. I have been asymptomatic as well... at the time i suspect i contracted it, i had flu-like symptoms, felt tired and lost weight in a short amount of time, but no blisters. I have seen small pimples/rash-like occurrences on my butt/outter thighs too, no pain or anything, and nothing that I could swab. I have had many theories on it... maybe it is mild symptoms, or maybe it's an immune reaction in another form to my body fighting herpes... so not herpes itself. I was also diagnosed with HPV (lucky me) at the same time... and I have heard that can be a symptom of HPV too. It can also be anything else... folliculitis (which I get in other places), eczema, etc.... It really is hard to say for sure. I know, frustrating. The blood test will definitely help you get some confirmation, but again, it's hard to say whether those physical symptoms are herpes related or not, unless you get a positive swab. Make sure to get an IGG blood test that is type specific. IGM is notoriously unreliable, and you need to know if you have HSV 1 or 2. Antibody levels will help you determine how long you might have had it, if you do.

Hi @sadman, it's hard to tell you a firm yes or no. Everyone has different reactions to herpes... some people never get symptoms, and others get reoccurring physical symptoms. A pimple, or blister can be many different things, not just herpes. Did the doctor swab it? Also, if you haven't already, you should get an IGG blood test, type specific, to really find out. Have you done this yet?

@ann122, It is frustrating to hear how ignorant and judgmental people can be about this... it stems from lack of education and obviously the "it will never happen to me" mentally... like anything else, people never think it can happen to them until does, and it's only then that they are forced to get educated and change their position on the matter. All you can really do is drop a few comments to help educate them, but otherwise, their attitudes likely won't change unless it hits home. But don't allow their ignorance to get to you... as you said, they likely have it and don't even know. I think in that situation, I would have asked "when was the last time you were tested for herpes?"... just leave an open ended question to suggest they should not be so quick to assume they don't have it themselves.

Hey @Kt41, glad your bf finally got tested. Since you were both diagnosed via blood test, I am assuming you are both HSV2 positive only right? If that is the case, then oral sex is fine... it's extremely rare to pass HSV2 to the oral region. However, if either of you has HSV1 oral (aka cold sores) or genital, that's when you have to be careful... HSV1 can be contracted from oral to genital. Since you already have the antibodies for HSV2, it's harder to get but it's not impossible. Concerning your bf, I am really glad you guys have worked through this together. However, try not to be so dependent on him... life gets hard, and although things are ok now, there might be a time when you will have deal with this alone. Try to take some time to really come to terms with this on your own, because ultimately you are the only person in this world who you can really rely on. And, this is likely not the case because you guys seems genuinely invested with one another, but don't ever stay with someone for the simple reason that they accept this... you are still the same beautiful person you were before, and you should be with someone who admires all of you, regardless of this diagnosis. Essentially, no matter what happens, don't lower your standards because you feel you might not be able to find anyone else... you will. Herpes will never stop you from experiencing great love, or anything else in life for that matter. Again, I am not saying this to suggest that you are settling right now, cause you guys seem to be on the same page/team... but just for future reference, in case. Be your own strong individual, no matter who is by your side.

Hey @S123, thanks for sharing! I had a very similar experience recently, where I was talking to a guy for over a month, and the physical attraction was definitely there, but I told him I wanted to take it slow. I was anticipating the talk too, but then suddenly communication from him started slowing down, until I heard nothing. Had it not been for having herpes, I probably would have slept with him... but herpes forced me to slow down and in doing that, his true intentions were revealed. Before I contracted herpes, I was trying to do this, slow down that is... and I was getting there, but eventually reverted to old patterns, and fell susceptible to lust. Now, I don't have a choice... and as far as I am concerned, that's a positive... Leading with my heart and head is a far better and more self-loving strategy than anything I was doing before. :)

Thank you for sharing this! As someone who has not disclosed yet, this kinda puts my mind at ease. I hope to be batting 4/6 one day... or 1/1 would be even better. :) As for the guy that can't look passed this, his loss... he is letting fear deny him a beautiful woman... let him go. Number 7 just might be that someone that thanks him for letting you go!!

Hey there... I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with doing, whenever you feel ready. I have not been intimate with anyone yet, so can't speak from experience. However, you are more than justified in wanting to take time to properly process this and come to terms with the diagnosis. Healing from this is not not all about the physical, and your boyfriend should respect the time that you need. That said, have you considered going to see someone to talk this out? Perhaps it would benefit you both. Having open lines of communication, calmly being able to explain each other's points of views would probably benefit you both. I understand that you might still have resentment, but if you choose to stay with him, you need to work on forgiving him too. I assume he didn't willingly give you herpes, so putting him down and making him feel badly about it is not going to help matters. Feeling sexy again after getting herpes is hard, but you have to work towards getting your mind back in a better place. Seeing as this is fairly new, I think more time is definitely required, but if you feel stuck, maybe reach for help from a professional. I believe others on here have also started slowly... not so much jumping back into sex, but starting for touching, massages, foreplay... keeping it light to build that level of comfort back up slowly. Hope this helps a bit.

Hey, first of all, sorry to hear that you are having to deal with constant physical symptoms... that's not easy, so be kind and patient with yourself. Part of healing is learning to forgive yourself for the choices you made that led you here... No one is perfect, no one is bulletproof, we make choices based on how we are feeling at a specific moment in time, sometimes for good reasons, other times out of fear, or neglect, or whatever... it's all part of living and being human, so there is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about... So many people have unprotected sex, so many. I, myself, could have made better choices... but I didn't, and I can't take those moments back, I can't wish things would be different, where would that leave me? Stuck, angry, hurt, and I deserve better... so do you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change those moments, to wish the outcome would have been different, to wonder what would have happened if you would have used a condom, or had he told you... the reality is what it is and it won't change... so how do you move past those feelings? You have to accept this new reality, and genuinely forgive yourself... I know the physical side makes things that much more difficult, but in time, those symptoms should subside... and you will be ok again. So for now, stay focused on the present moment, on what you can and will do for yourself going forward, on the opportunity here to love yourself more than you ever have before... Consider that H led you to a place to question your own behaviors, and has in a way forced you to reflect and realize that you deserve more than what you were allowing in your life. You will likely never give in to sex the way you once did, and that is a blessing in disguise. You will hold your partners up to higher standards, and you will never settle for anything less than you deserve. You have an opportunity to turn your 'mistakes' into very meaningful changes that could potentially make you happier and healthier than you ever were before... but first forgive yourself. We all fumble, but we still deserve to be happy and to be loved. Love yourself regardless. Some quotes for you: "Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn't mean they are bad people, it means they're human." "Let go of certainty. The opposite is not uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves, exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow." "Holding on is believing there is only a past, letting go is knowing there is a future." "The question is not whether you are going to meet adversity, but how you are going to meet it."

Btw, have you done any blood tests? Sometimes your antibody levels can give you an indication of how long you have had the virus... again, without complete certainty, but still might provide some insight.

It's hard to say who you got it from... there are some people on here who carry the virus for years without ever having a full blown outbreak. So while it sounds like your friend was not person who gave it to you due to the negative blood tests, it's hard to say for sure whether it was you ex too. Condoms only offer 50% protection against herpes because it does not cover every part of the lower region, so it is possible. But you could have had this for a long time and just not known. 80% of people of have genital herpes don't know because either their symptoms are so mild or they just don't get any. If you can reach your ex, and you really want to know, definitely ask him. Otherwise, sometimes dwelling on the "who gave this to me" is pointless... does it really matter? You know you have it now, and so now you can do everything to not pass it on to someone else. Part of coming to terms with this sometimes is about just accepting, and letting go to trying to understand the whys and hows... i know that's easier said than done, but I suppose I am just trying to say that you might never know who gave to you with 100% certainty.

AMEN! @fitgirl lol, so true.

I have a prescription for acyclovir, and so far so good. Never had any issues. Not sure about famvir, sorry.

First of all, relax... did he tell you where he gets herpes? oral or genital? Type 1 or 2? From what you are describing, you would not have contracted it. Herpes doesn't ooze out of every pore, and it's not contracted by just lying on someone's chest or even just touching someone. If that was the case, everyone would have herpes. If it's genital herpes, about 80% of people who have it, don't even know, so there's a good possibility that you have already met or been with people who might have had the virus and just not known it. Just because you touch someone with herpes or even have sex with someone with herpes, don't mean you will automatically contract it. In fact many H+ people never pass it on to their H- partners in relationships that last years. Genital herpes from male to female, if you are sexually active with the person, is about 10% chance of transmission... condoms (depending on where he gets an outbreak), and antivirals, drop that down to 2.5%... minute, considering you have a 2% chance every year of dying in a car crash. It would be helpful to know more about what type of herpes he has, so as to better inform you... but rest assured, you're fine. You can touch him, hug him, lie on chest... if it's genital, just be smart and avoid sexual contact if/when he has an outbreak. And, please take some time to browse the forum and get informed about what it actually means to live with and have herpes... unfortunately the social stigma is far more scary than the reality... it's a skin condition that is totally manageable. Also, please be honest with him, ask him questions, don't be scared to learn and understand what a relationship could be like with someone with herpes... in many instances, intimacy can be that much stronger because you are forced to open up and talk about some very vulnerable realities. In other words, if you like him, genuinely like him, give him a chance, get informed. It will benefit you regardless.

I seriously think you should go see another doctor and get IGG test that is type specific. If you want to be absolutely sure, wait 4 months post exposure. That value is so low, and without any symptoms, this could be a misdiagnosis. Your doctor doesn't sound very helpful or compassionate either which is cause in itself to see someone else. But honestly, you deserve some answers and as dancer mentioned IGM is very unreliable. Your bf should also get tested, so you start the relationship knowing both your statuses upfront. If he is scared or has concerns, perhaps speak with a specialist and ask him to air out all the questions/concerns he might have. Westover heights offers phone consultations. It's $5/min but it might help him put his mind at ease to get all the answers up front from a specialist. Taking meds, using condoms and avoiding sexual contact during an outbreak will minimize the risk to 1%. But first, you need to get confirmation.