HikingGirl

You're never going to be able to completely "protect" a future partner from HSV, and transmission is not a given (just ask my ex-husband). You may find it helpful to work with a counselor to zoom out from herpes specifically, and look at the big picture of risk that is *always* with us in *all* situations (including the ones that have nothing to do with herpes). The two biggest things that have helped me in my healing process (since diagnosis 18 months ago) is developing a strong sense of self-acceptance and keeping a balanced view of risk--which includes accepting that there is a lot about life that I'll never have control over.

I recommend reading Terri Warren's book, "The Good News about the Bad News" available on Amazon in the Kindle version. Warren is an expert on HSV and her book is very thorough and easy to understand.

He may just need time to process all of this information. Give him space, and hang tight until you get the results. It's hard, I get it. But his feelings and responses are outside of your control.

Oh, and FWIW, I swear my monthly cycle can be a trigger for both HSV outbreaks and yeast infections.

The swab test can give an immediate confirmation of an infection because you're swabbing the lesion. A blood test doesn't measure the virus, only antibodies produced by your own body in response to the virus. It can take up to 16 weeks for someone's body to develop enough antibodies to be detected on a blood test. So if a swab is positive and a blood test is nagative, it's a recent infection. If both are positive, there's no way to nail down when the infection occurred. The index values are either positive, negative or unclear. A higher value does not indicate a longer infection, although some doctors tell people that. My HSV1 value was in the 40s (statistically it's likely I picked this up in my youth), but my HSV2 value (a good 20 years after infection mind you) was only 3.27. Hope that helps.

Not silly at all. Anywhere in the boxer shorts region. Asymptomatic shedding can happen along any number of nerve pathways in that region, even if your outbreaks tend to be in one spot. That's why there is no way to prevent transmission entirely. We can only reduce it.

I just saw your other post about having genital HSV1. (HSV1 prefers the mouth, but it's becoming much more common on the genitals as well. And even for those who have it orally, only about a third of those people ever experience a cold sore.) If your outbreaks are not bothersome, there's no reason to take the Valtrex. As with genital HSV2, you're not going to transmit genital HSV1 to your kids under any circumstances other than genital contact.

Do you have genital HSV2? If so, there's no reason to be on it now that the baby has been born unless you're trying to prevent outbreaks or reduce transmission to an H- partner. You can't give your kids HSV2 without genital-to-genital contact, so you can rest easy because that risk is just not there. If you have oral HSV1, you should not kiss your kids when you're having a cold sore. When you're not having a cold sore, a simple peck on the cheek is *extremely unlikely* to transmit oral HSV1.

Welcome, @Smilee.....I think we all wish we got a manual when we were diagnosed. Or at the very least a knowledgeable health care provider. The closest thing I know of is Terri Warren's book (The Good News About the Bad News), available on Amazon in the Kindle format. A *much* shortened version is this handbook to get you started: https://www.westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/ Warren is a nurse practitioner who studies herpes and ran her own STD clinic in Portland for over 20 years before recently retiring. So she has a lot of knowledge from both a research standpoint and a clinical practice. I recommend the book on here all the time because I found it to be a one-stop shop for everything I needed to know and it was written in a way that even a regular person can understand it. Feel free to ask questions here as well. We're happy to help where we can!

p.s. Welcome!

To answer your first question, yes, it's absolutely possible. I tested positive for HSV1 and HSV2 about a year after my divorce. I suspected nothing but had a new partner so I spontaneously asked for an STI panel when I went in for a Pap smear. In hindsight, I totally attributed my mild symptoms to yeast infections, and never had a visible sore that I knew of until last fall. I had no initial outbreak. What you describe sounds like a recurring outbreak, but there's really no way to know unless you had a swab test come back positive and a blood test taken at the same time come back negative. It's also possible to not have an outbreak for years and then have one unexpectedly. Maddening, isn't it? I was married to my ex for 15 years and chose to tell him and he got tested. Surprisingly, he tested negative for both. (I had five partners prior to marriage, he had one.) The new guy I was seeing also later tested negative, so now I know I picked it up 18-25 years earlier before getting married and had no idea all that time. Transmission simply isn't a given. And when it does happen, nearly 90% of those with HSV2 have no idea we have it because there are no symptoms, or the symptoms are mild enough we attribute them to other things. Whether or not your husband should be tested is up to him. There's not a strong reason to test, IMHO, unless he's just curious or he wants to use condoms or antivirals if he happens to be negative. No vitamins have been proven clinically to reduce outbreaks (that I know I of), but anything that supports the immune system can't hurt. I'm a huge fan of vitamin c, but I already take it for other benefits unrelated for herpes. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable can answer your question about childbirth (I don't have kids).

Hi, @Tif1212....welcome! I'm sorry for the experience you had. From my perspective, this is not an example of failure, but an example of being forced into disclosing before you were ready. And as @optimist hinted at, losing someone who "forgets" what the word no means after a couple of drinks is not a loss. It's a blessing. After divorcing two years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would not start dating again until I took some time to actually enjoy being single and being comfortable on my own (so that a future relationship would be the icing on the cake and not the whole cake). A big part of this process has been meeting new people and building my circle of friends. Even though I'm not shy, this is still a challenge for a 44 year-old introvert who neglected outside relationships during 15 years of marriage. One of the opportunities in this challenge is that I'm learning to work through some of the pitfalls of self-criticism, fear of failure and rejection. Here are some of the things that have helped me to move forward. You may find some of them helpful or they may give you ideas for what would be most helpful to you. 1. Noticing my inner critic. - She is loud and talks a lot. :) I think the biggest way meditation has helped me (and I'm only talking about 5-10 minutes a day) is that I notice my thoughts a lot more. The sooner I can realize my inner critic is talking, the sooner I can do something about it or at least distract myself so the thought doesn't take hold and the rumination doesn't run wild. 2. Practicing self-compassion. - Kristin Neff's book is a wonderful place to start with this one. We wouldn't dream of treating a friend the way we treat ourselves. 3. Affirming my positive qualities. - If I never take the time to acknowledge my positive qualities, how can I expect anyone else to notice them? Sometimes this is a list of things I love about myself. Sometimes this is including an "I'm proud of myself for...." statement with the short gratitude list I write at the end of each day. 4. Challenging myself. - I'm trying to step outside my comfort zone on a regular basis. Yesterday I tried rock climbing for the first time. Guess what? I suck at it. LOL And I was pretty embarassed that all of the other "inexperienced" women I was with made it up the cliff when I didn't. But I tried and gave it 100%. I was in the arena. As a result, it still boosted my confidence. 5. Connecting. - Inbetween my efforts to meet new people and extend invitations that aren't always accepted, I make sure to spend time with people I know love me. Attending an extended family reunion, getting ice cream with my sisters, having coffee with a friend at work, or hiking with my stepdaughter....it really helps. All in all, these small things have had a major impact on my self-esteem (including how I view myself as someone who happens to have herpes). And they have really softened the blow of occasional rejection, which is inevitable. {{hugs}}

From my (non-expert) understanding, the simple answer is that the tests are good, but they're imperfect. The way the blood test is done, virtually no one gets a zero. It's almost unheard of. An index value of 0 to 0.9 is considered negative, 0.9 to 1.1 is considered equivocal (unclear), and over 1.1 is considered positive. Smart people through research and clinical practice found that a fair number of people with index values between 1.1 and 3.5 are actually negative. Sometimes when the answer isn't clear with the IgG blood test, a much more sensitive test, called the western blot, is needed for confirmation.

Welcome, @BlueIris. Congrats on the weight loss--that is a big accomplishment! I too, was tested for STIs before getting married 18 years ago (I'm now divorced), and was surprised to learn there really wasn't good testing for it then. (Turns out I had it before getting married and just didn't know it.). If you have health insurance, I would recommend finding another doctor--any doctor--and asking for the IgG blood best (ELISA is a brand of it, IIRC). I'm on a high deductible health plan at work and when I spontaneously asked for STD testing 18 months ago with a routine Pap smear, my insurance covered it as preventative care. Worth a shot if it can make your out of pocket costs less than $200. I just saw a nurse practitioner at a family clinic for the Pap smear. It just so happened she is one of the rare providers who actually test for HSV with other STIs. It's sad but common that a lot of doctors are really uneducated about HSV. I found this handbook really helpful: https://www.westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/. Terri Warren is a nurse practictioner who recently retired from running an STD clinic for 20 years plus she researches HSV. I highly recommend her full book (available on Amazon Kindle). It will take so much of the mystery out of HSV for you!

<0.9 is negative, 0.9 to 1.1 is unclear, and technically, over 1.1 is positive. 1.1 to 3.5 there's a fair chance of a false positive, especially the lower the number is. I liked FlowerPower's suggestion of just letting him know what your ex said and that you plan to be tested. No matter what happens, you will be okay!

Make sure when you're tested to get the IgG test and to ask for a copy of your results so you can see what the index values are. The best starting point is certainty. Virtually no one gets a zero on the test, so a low value can mean several things depending on what exactly the number is.

You can and you will. Have a terrific time!!!

Hi @downtomars. It's possible to have HSV2 outside of the genitals, but it is very, very rare. Given the number of things that could cause a skin blister, I'm kind of surprised the doctor all those years ago even attempted to make a visual diagnosis. The only way to know for sure is to wait for another blister to pop up and the moment it does, go into the doctor and ask for a PCR swab. That will tell you for sure.

Your fears are very common. An HSV diagnosis can bring up a lot of insecurities, especially at first. Have you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You"? I listened to it as an audiobook and laughed all the way through it. I think every woman would recognize 90% of the scenarios the author describes! It really helped to cement in my brain that there are a million reasons two people might not connect. We tend to assume any rejection is because of herpes, and it just isn't true. Far better to part ways early and move on, even though it does sting a bit at first. Doing so opens you up to new people and new possibilities.

Hi, @Sam_123. There's really only two reason to take antivirals: (1) to reduce the chances of transmission to an H- partner, or (2) to prevent or reduce outbreaks. If you don't have symptoms, the only reason to consider antivirals would be as a measure to reduce transmission. Just keep in mind that you need to be taking the antivirals 5-7 days before sex for them to be fully effective.

The blood test doesn't measure the virus. It measures antibodies your body produces in response to the virus. It can take up to 16 weeks for your body to produce enough antibodies to be detected by a blood test. If you have sores, a PCR swab test can give you a definitive answer much sooner.

What led you to be tested, @It_doesn't_define_us? I have both HSV1 and HSV2. I'm guessing the HSV1 is oral since statistically that's most likely but I've never had a cold sore and I'll never know for sure. Since I'll be disclosing HSV2 anyway, no reason not to throw in HSV1 too while I'm at it. I personally wouldn't disclose oral HSV1 for kissing--the majority of adults have it, after all. But from reading these forums and learning how rapidly the prevalence of genital HSV1 is rising, I can see value in disclosing oral HSV1 when giving someone else oral sex is involved.

I am honestly confused. I thought he pulled away because of H. He did say to me that he didn't know if he wanted a girlfriend with H. But why would he be ok with having sex with me. Isn't that the riskiest part? Or is he saying that he can sex a girl with H but she is not worthy enough to be anything more? IMHO.....I don't think his behavior has anything to do with you. From what you describe, my gut says he used herpes as an excuse to call it quits because he either (a) just didn't connect with you enough to want to pursue a full-blown relationship and didn't have the guts to just tell you the truth, and/or (b) he only wanted the sex without a relationship. He was happy to have sex when he thought he could have it with no strings, but the moment you say you aren't interested in casual sex, he's history. None of this changes your good qualities or whether you're worthy of love. It just means this one was not a good fit for you. {{hugs}}

When I divorced, some of the best advice I ever received was to cut off contact with an ex entirely. I couldn't quite do that 100% because we own a dog together and he watched the dog often, but I set a boundary for only e-mail or text and only about the dog. My ex eventually caught on that I wasn't going to answer calls or reply to texts about anything except the must-know information about caring for the dog. It felt FABULOUS. Believe me, he tried.....kept sending texts of old memories, funny memes about golden retrievers, etc. but I stuck to my guns. I, too, was terrified about being alone and not finding anyone better. Turns out being single is actually a lot of fun for me right now and not having to deal with his drama feels so awesome. I used that same no-contact technique over a year later with the guy I was seeing long-distance when I got my HSV diagnosis. He was super nice at first, but over the next few months he kind of slowly faded into the woodwork. I still had strong feelings for him and kept reaching out to him with a lukewarm reception. I had a really hard time facing the fact that he just wasn't that into me and I was just making myself miserable by continuing to chase him. Not to mention I surely looked pathetic, but my diagnosis had just obliterated my confidence for a while. Eventually I got up the courage to just cut off contact entirely. No chats, no text, no Facebook likes or stalking his social media.....just cold turkey. That whole "longing for him" feeling was gone within a matter of weeks. Magic! He's your ex for a reason. (Multiple reasons as you state in your post.). You can do so much better! {hugs}

Whether you start an antiviral now or wait until another outbreak is up to you....just a personal preference as to whether you'd prefer to just treat outbreaks or try to prevent them. There's really no way to know how often you might have outbreaks or how bad they will be. The daily antiviral both reduces the number of outbreaks (for most people) and it also reduces transmission rates, but doesn't eliminate the risk of transmission entirely. No, the antiviral would not reduce transmission rates further if you had not had recurring outbreaks. No one knows how often each of us shed asymptomatically as individuals. The stats you see out there for the frequency of asymptomatic shedding are averages from groups of people. But we do know that you're much, much more likely to transmit the virus during an active outbreak. Research also tells us that we're more likely to shed the virus asymptomatically more often during the first several months/first year or so of acquiring the virus.