RegularGuy

If you cut things off, you might regret it. If you fail to disclose and take advantage of him, you will definitely regret it. Remember that you have a huge amount of desirable qualities! You are absolutely deserving of a fantastic relationship and a fantastic relationship will always start with courage and honesty! There are a billion different types of people out there and a billion different kinds of relationships that are really great. But every single one of those great relationships begin with having the courage to show someone you care about your desirable traits as well as your flaws, without pretense and without misleading the other person. You have much to offer someone, even if all you have to offer is honesty, empathy, compassion, passion, and thoughtfulness. Those are indeed rare and desirable traits! It will take courage. It will take accepting their response to your disclosure. In disclosing, you will demonstrate that you are both courageous and kind. Two extremely rare traits. Both will surprise any honest, genuinely good person. You won't be wasting their time at all. They have no reason to be mad, disappointed, or upset at your disclosure. Any rational person would be impressed. A little unsure of how to respond? Sure, but impressed with your genuine display of care for their right to give consent and their well-being. Herpes has absolutely zero influence on how great of a person you can be. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows that herpes can't stop you from being compassionate, kind, and genuinely good. If someone you disclose to doesn't know that, or is not impressed by your courage and honesty... They are probably not so great a person themself. Or at least, planned to treat you as a temporary fix.

I would advise against holding too closely to the statistics. The fact of the matter is that contact with the virus results in infection. It is enough to disclose before getting intimate and be ready to demonstrate patience and understanding while the other person weights out how they feel about the situation. The statistics are helpful in allowing another person to understand the situation, but they are by no means an accurate representation of how their life will turn out individually. The important point of the statistics is to demonstrate that there are steps that can be taken to help prevent transmission, but to also assert that there are no guarantees. It is meant to encourage those who are H+ to be responsible, take preventative measures, and to disclose in order to get real consent from their partners. Then, to help the other person understand that there is a way to gauge whether the H+ person they are interested is already doing everything they can to prevent putting them at risk.

Not being any sort of medical resource, and not actually knowing anything: Be safe, ask your doctor about suppression medicine like valacyclovir, most importantly disclose before you get intimate. It is possible to "shed" the virus without showing visible signs of an out break. Shedding can lead to spreading the virus on yourself, or transmission to a partner through skin to skin contact. Prevent this by washing your hands well, taking an antiviral medication like valacyclovir, and abstain if you think you are having symptoms. If you touch the area, wash your hands with regular soap and water. Doing those things will save you mountains of trouble.

I know what it is like to be ashamed, even disgusted. I fell apart one day about 5 months ago in the shower, and that was really crushing. I was so depressed, I didn't know how I would be happy again. I just knew if I kept trying to do what I always had done, I would eventually gain some perspective and find a way to deal. About 5 months later and I have tons of accomplishment behind me to gain resilience and strength from. You find the same will be true for you. Remind yourself that you are the same great person you have always been! It's totally okay that you aren't thrilled about your situation, and that you need some time away from work. You will regain your desire to go back to work, and you will start doing things you used to be good at. In the process, you will see that you haven't changed. You're just as good at the things you were two weeks ago. And still just as challenged by the things you used to struggle with. There won't be a single difference. Your goals and your challenges are still just as much within reach as ever. You will begin to notice that you feel better sometimes, and those occasions will become more common until you spend days at a time feeling good about yourself and your life. Eventually, you will go weeks with other things being waaaaay more important to you than herpes. And you will feel like yourself. A self that you like. The sooner you start doing things the way you used to two weeks ago, the sooner these realizations will happen for you. Then you'll find that you aren't dealing with it, or surviving. You'll find that it didn't change a thing about you. It was just hard to accept yourself again. Herpes can't change who you are. Only your decisions and choices can do that. Focus on your goals. Focus on making your future a good one. Sorry to find out you have joined the club. We are all in your corner. If you find that you have trouble steering your train of thought, seek out someone close to you for support. Or you can always post in the "herpes buddies" thread if you want some anonymous conversation. We want you to regain your sense of self. We want to see you be successful and happy. And we won't judge as a rule.

I have read studies that show a higher likelyhood of degenerative brain disorders for those diagnosed with HSV. However, many caveats exist. First, correlation is not causation. Second, most people with HSV are undiagnosed. Third, those who would be diagnosed with nerve damage or a degenerative brain disorder are more likely to have seen a doctor more frequently, and therefore be more readily diagnosed with other issues. Overall, the fact that hsv does attack nerves is concerning, and the correlation can't be ignored. Assisting your immune system by providing a substance which mimicks targeting proteins well enough to enhance your ability to control the infection is not going to halt your immune system's ability in the long run. Considering that you already have some compounding issues, managing symptoms is probably a good idea, as long as that is what your doctor recommended. The usual caveat: I am not a doctor, and have near zero medical knowledge. Ask your pharmacist / doctor and follow their recommendations exactly.

It is totally unfair to make remarks which assume he will not contract the virus. While transmission can be prevented, and in fact, many people with H- partners have avoided transmission in the past, it is still possible. What is worth pointing out is that if he were to break things off, it should not be over herpes alone. In point of fact, what he is attempting to determine is whether being with this courageous, kind girl is "worth the risk". The reality of the situation is that it is up to her to demonstrate honesty, kindness, empathy, thoughtfulness, and all the many other qualities which would make her a good match for this guy. If he determines that she is genuinely a good match for him, then it is up to him to demonstrate the same. It's a mutual thing, and both get a choice. That's what's so profound about him coming here to ask the questions. It's hope for a chance at something really good to happen for both of them! I recommend that you try to decide whether you would want to stick with her and try to make a meaningful relationship. If that were the case, herpes wouldn't matter one bit. Short of that, you're really kind of wasting both your time anyway.

You should definitely get tested specifically for HSV. It is somewhat common for people to have it and not know it. Everyone's reaction to the virus is a little different. Some people deal with symptoms every few months, some get 1 out break and then never hear from it again. Chances are, she is somewhere in the middle, dealing with symptoms twice a year is most likely, but not a law. Symptoms tend to last less than 2 weeks, and this is when transmission is most likely. It is possible to transmit without symptoms, but it is relatively easy to prevent that. Using condoms is the best way to prevent transmission, but I would recommend combining that with her taking an antiviral medication daily. This significantly reduces risk of transmission. However, be aware that it is possible to transmit accidentally, despite all precautions. You should consider the implications of that, and take things slow and deliberately. She definitely cares about your well-being, and values your right to consent! Knowing this, it will certainly be worth while for you to take the time to get to know her, and to give each other the chance to talk about what is important in relationship. There is a real opportunity for both of you to be very honest and blunt about your goals and expectations! At very least, you know that she is both courageous and kind. That's a good start! Be honest with her. Keep doing what you've been doing, be kind and empathic, but keep doing research as long as you need to. And If you decide that her diagnosis will stop you from living the way you want to, and stop you from doing things you want to do, say so. There is nothing us H+ people fear more than having wasted time chasing after someone who will have a panic attack after the first time and ghost when they seemed so sure about things to begin with. I can tell you from my having contracted from my girlfriend who didn't know, after she had tests done which (unbeknownst to her) skipped hsv, then finding out we both had it, it is a minor footnote to a really great relationship. Herpes doesn't make a person any different. It just a thing that isn't that big of a thing. We are compassionate, supportive, passionate, encouraging, and challenge each other to be better people, just like any great couple would. So, if you are planning to date more before you start looking for "the one", and you are afraid of the risk, be honest and say so. If you think you could see yourself sticking around, Herpes won't ruin things. If you just don't know, but you want to find out if she's as great as she seems, take the time to learn.

I know the diagnosis can cause you to feel like you lost something you will never get back, but that simply isn't true. I know it can make you feel a lot of anxiety and hopelessness about the future, but nothing about your life will be different. Other than maybe being really skilled at washing your hands. Give yourself a chance to witness just how great you are! Really test yourself. See if your ability to learn has changed. I assure you, trig is still tough and English is still busy work. See if strangers treat you any different. You'll see that people still give you the same mix of indifference / friendliness you've always known. See if your hobbies still turn out to be just as entertaining as ever. You will find that not only can you do the things you enjoy, they will be a source of solitude and reflection when you need it. See if you can still have fun spending time with close friends. You'll discover that mot only do they still like having you around, but that they will still come to you for your ability to be empathic and supportive and it will make you feel valuable. See if you can't still get that dude to ask for your number with a smile and a wink. He's still trying to maintain composure while fantasizing about you. You'll find out that nothing has changed. You are capable, desirable, likeable and attractive as always. Will you find yourself disclosing to someone you care about, then watching them go through some anxiety? Probably, but if they care about you, and they know how special you are, they won't be afraid. Your diagnosis will become the best shield against liars, fake people, and empty promises for the future you could have. The only person who is afraid of a diagnosis is a person who didn't care about you at all in the first place. Turn it into an advantage. Use it to scare off those who secretly meant you harm. Use it to find people who genuinely appreciate you, and aren't just saying whatever they have to in order to sound like a good person would.

The worst thing you can do is fail to disclose. There are tons of examples of the guilt, shame, and depression that ignoring someone you care about's right to consent causes. Remember that herpes has zero influence on who you are and what a great person you can be. It won't be long before you see that you are just as smart, just as capable, just as desirable, and just as good as you have always been. Only your choices can change that. If you choose to use your diagnosis as a weapon to hurt people close to you, you will never feel any satisfaction from it. Don't let fear make decisions for you. Find someone worth your time and energy. Find someone you care about. And be good to them so that they can be good to you.

Thanks for sharing that! I know to a lot of people it can seem like there isn't much hope at times, and that stories like this seem too good to be true. But there are really good people waiting to meet someone great, too. There are good things out there waiting for you to find them once you have accepted who you are, and learned to appreciate yourself! Good luck with your relationship, it sounds like you have all of the ingredients for something really special!

I know for a fact you can donate blood despite your HSV+ diagnosis. I verified this with a blood donation screening nurse at a blood bank shortly after my diagnosis. Because the virus remains on nerve pathways, and not in the blood, it is considered safe. However, if you want to limit who you tell about it, that is totally understandable. I'd advise against getting blood drawn when having symptoms anyway, as you need that blood and those antibodies to control the virus. The usual caveat: I'm not a doctor and have near zero medical knowledge. Always ask your doctor / pharmacist amd follow their recommendations exactly.

Congrats on the successful disclosure! I know that took a lot of courage! You should really be proud, you took the other person's well being seriously, and offered them the chance to make their own choices. That is a really profound thing! Keep on being the great person you are, you have nothing to be ashamed of!

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know everyone who discovers symptoms while in a monogamous relationship struggles with anger and suspicion. Being able to read honest retelling of events like what you experienced will help people who find themselves in similar circumstances!

Are you taking suppression meds (valacyclovir)? If not, that might do you some good. There are some threads kicking around here with different people's methods for managing symptoms. I personally don't subscribe to home remedies like oils and similar, but there is some info on the site if that interests you.

Yeah, I take 1000mg valacyclovir daily. It may contribute to my higher than ideal blood pressure, but I am taking the simple steps it takes to control that.

Update still month 5: The supposed second out break was just a case of hemorrhoids. This is the price I pay for being old and out of shape and thinking I could push myself on the squat rack like I'm 25, haha! Weightlifters, clench that booty and breathe! The good news is it's healing up, so I'm lucky. It could have been worse if I had kept lifting and ignored the doctor. For now, I'm keeping the weights low and focused on cardio. The treadmill is the bulk of my exercise now, and that's probably better for long term health than big plates on a big bar. I still want to lift again, but it's not a bad thing. You may have read that my blood pressure was kind of high. Cardio will help. If you are interested in some advice on exercise, great! Get on the treadmill. Resist the urge to set the incline and grab the handles, that will only slow your progress. Instead, focus on setting a heart rate goal. 80 beats per minute for 5, 10, or 15 minutes is a great spot to start if you are in need of some rehabilitation from injury (or having a desk job, as is my case, haha!) 100 BPM for 10 minutes is a great goal to hit, that will tax your diaphragm, legs, metabolism, and vascular system to keep oxygen flowing and remove lactic acid. If you are an average joe or jane, with no complicating factors and good overall health, this will get you results. The end goal should be based on your age and general health. Young, healthy individuals can usually expect to work up to heart rates over 120BPM for 10min, that's where sweat and exhaustion should start becoming normal for you and you will probably feel the desire to push yourself in total run time / distance. As for distance, set small goals. At first, just walking a half mile might feel taxing. That's okay. Focus on keeping your heart rate where you want it. If you know you can run pretty well, shoot for a mile. Set an easy pace and time yourself. Use that benchmark and how you feel afterward to gauge your next run. Personally, I am 30 and shooting for a 10:30min 1.5mile run. It's not superhuman, but it has taken me about a year to get there. My heart rate is still higher at the finish than I want it to be. So, I switch it up. Some days I go slower for longer. Some days I start with a sprint and go shorter. Things are looking up for me this year. Herpes really isn't much of a thing. I go entire days without thinking about it, and I haven't been down about it in a couple of weeks! Woo!

Disclose to her. There is no need to make a big production out of it. Think about how you felt when you had symptoms. You know you don't want those things to happen to someone who is so interested in you. She deserves the right to decide for herself. The right to consent.

I know just what you mean. I'm glad to know that you have a good relationship. As my girlfriend put it when I first found out my diagnosis, "It would be a shame to end things just because of herpes. If it ends, ot ends because we were not good for each other." And I extended that to, "And as long as we are good for each other, I want to try to stick together." It was a really inspiring thing, not that it was anything unique or profound, but that we saw a relationship as an easy thing. Just try.

Yeah, it's pretty common to have hsv-1 and not know it. I struggled with a lot of anger and suspicion toward my girlfriend for a while, but she has always been so caring and supportive that I eventually realized it is entirely likely that she never knew until after I tested positive and she got herself tested specifically for herpes. It has caused both of us to be very considerate toward each other regarding self image and sexuality because we both understand that the other has some occasional issues regarding those things. Still, I recognize that we are both good for each other, and do a lot to help the other be a better person, simply by demonstrating some support and compassion. Herpes has become a minor footnote in our relationship and I'm really glad for that.

To answer your questions: I have hsv-1 I did contract it from my girlfriend, and we are still together. She didn't know, as many people don't. She had a "test for everything" situation with her doctor, who (as is sadly often the case) didn't test for herpes. You're right, hemorrhoids are much more problematic than herpes.

It has been a very fast 5 months since my first post. What I thought was a second outbreak turns out to be hemorrhoids, which I am actually glad about. It means I didn't spread the virus accidentally by shaving my pubic hair. And it's not colon cancer, so that's another win. Hemorrhoids suck though, so be sure to clench that booty when you power lift, because I'm certain that's what caused the problem. While I'm on the medical topic, my blood pressure is still higher than what it should be. Could be genetics there, too. But, I'm adjusting the ol diet anyway. No meed to have a stroke, I can think of better ways to meet cute nurses, haha! Other than the minor medical quandaries, life is a pretty huge win this year. I have so much to be grateful for, and I have kept up finding ways to help people close to me. I have found a new goal in that pursuit. I think I can be more than just a decent guy. I'm going to try to be the kind of person who brightens other's day just a little. It's not impossible, but very much outside my nature. I am very much a "live and let live" type. We'll see how it goes. And I found an editor for my book! Woo! One step closer to the goal of getting the damn thing published. Thanks again to the people who have offered support in my coping with herpes. It truly has not stopped me from doing any of the things I need to do in order to feel accomplished!

Update on how Herpes has changed things for me: I thought I might have had a blister forming after I shaved yesterday. Turned out to be a razor bump that healed itself in a few hours. So, that was a little anxiety inducing. Something to straighten out in my head, but I wasn't about to call out of work or cancel plans, so that's progress. So far since being diagnosed I have accomplished: Raise at work College degree Finished writing my book So far herpes has stopped me from: Feeling 100% confident in my birthday suit Liking seeing my reflection occasionally Enjoying the ability to be attracted to someone without guilt or shame I still deal with the negative occasionally. It's becoming lees and less a problem, but it's there. I get mad when herpes interferes with my self image, and my sexuality. I hope that one day I will learn to set that aside.

Hey, we all would be interested in hearing how things are going for you. Hoping to hear good news, but if things are still rough, we'll be here for you.

There is a TV show (on Hulu I think), called Futureman. The main antagonist is a man who is trying to cure herpes. He repeats a line throughout the series that actually had me laughing, despite the fact that the character's delivery was very sad; "They call it herpes simplex virus, but there is nothing simple about it". When I heard that line, I was hanging out with some co-workers who don't know about my diagnosis. I managed to maintain composure and not laugh too hard at it, but I did laugh. It was mostly the vulnerability and sadness of his delivery that made it funny, because it was a very genuine idea that a lot of us could identify with, but the fact that it was this huge, life altering thing to the character after years of supposedly having it that made it funny. Because, while it does change some small things for all of us, it just isn't that big a deal.

I don't know anything about autoimmune disorders, or in fact much about medicine. However, I am on 1000mg valacyclovir in the morning for suppression. It causes my blood pressure to increase, and I am somewhat concerned about it. My way of striking a balance is to take the meds the way my doctor prescribed, and adjust my habits to minimize side-effects. For example, I always have a meal before taking my dose. It slows intake and reduces blood pressure spikes. I also shoot for 10 min of intense cardio 3 times a week. Lastly, I make sure I get sleep, plenty of water, and a balanced diet. My side effects aren't completely gone, but I am no longer showing vitals in a dangerous range for my age. You might well have a million other factors to consider, but doing those things might help ease your circumstances. You are right that it is a balance of quality of life. Just try to consider your future self's quality of life, too. I personally consider the prospect of seeing retirement as a goal. I hope that I will be able to see it from the vantage point of my own two feet, and in a house I get to own as well. Where herpes, illness, injury and pain are inconveniences, but not limitations. That would be a big accomplishment, but I don't expect fate would be so convenient. I will have to work to get myself the chance of doing it. Not to minimize your concerns, you certainly should be asking questions like these. But ask them in the effort to prolong your opportunity for contentment.