RegularGuy

It might take some pressure out of situations like that to try dating a litlle more casually. Having dealt with a lot of rejection before my diagnosis, it took me a lot of convincing to be less serious about dating. When I eventually did give myself permission to go on more than one first date a month, I found myself less concerned with "reading between the libes" and more concerned with finding someone who was making an effort to meet me halfway in the matters of making plans and showing up. I'm not recommending sleeping with multiple people off and on, merely talking to or meeting more than one person at a time. It can relieve a lot of that inner termoil regarding "what does that text mean?" Or feeling down because one person decided not to keep dating. Remember that there are a lot of great people out there, but dating is a matter of being compatible, searching for the same kind of relationship, timing, and having sinilar goals. That is a hard balance to strike with anyone, let alone a new interest.

Your life won't just be "somewhat normal". If you can accept yourself as the person you are, and give yourself permission to see yourself as the desirable, smart, kind person you are... You will have a somewhat acceptional life. Herpes isn't going tp stop you from being who you are. And it's not going to stop you from doing what you want to do. But If you are a person who chooses to let fear and anxiety rule over you, you won't ever get the chance to see how small a deal herpes is. If you decide not to try to do the things you want to, or try to ignore your desirable qualities, you won't ever get the chance to find out how simply great things can be. It's a matter of perspective and decision making. If you try, you'll see that you are just as good at everything you've always been good at. And just as bad at things you've always been bad at. If you set aside your fears and look at what you CAN do, you will realize you CAN do all of the same things you always have done. True, you will need to take an extra step here and there because of the diagnosis. If you respect others' right to consent, you will need to disclose before you get intimate. If you are concerned about transmission, or managing symptoms, you'll need to take a suppression medicine like valacyclovir and insist on using condoms. And you'll have to wash your hands regularly to prevent spreading the virus to new parts of your own body accidentally (but really only at first, and it's really not that likely to happen). That's all really easy stuff. The hardest one seems to be disclosure, but there are so many success stories for men and women especially near your age that it's not that big a deal. You will find that there are plenty of people who understand that herpes is not worth fearing. You'll find that the right kind of people, the good, decent, strong kind of people, will at very least admire your courage and compassion when you disclose to them. But it all starts with you needing to decide that anxiety and fear don't make your decisions for you. If you need help doing that, I'd recommend continuing to go to work/school/etc as normal and really observe your ability. You'll see nothing has changed. I'd also recommend that you plan to do something fun for yourself, whatever that is. It will give you something to look forward to, and help you to steer your view of the future toward something more positive. Herpes isn't about coping, or healing, or dealing, or managing. It's about learning how to like yourself, flaws included and about being able to picture the future yoy want so that you can make it happen.

Congratulations for having the courage and compassion to disclose! Do your best to continue being mindful of his health!

You should definitely seek out advice from @HippyHerpy I'm not sure how active he is on the site, but he is a huge advocate of casual sex and isn't shy about encouraging others to feel free to disclose and hookup. Personally, I don't have experiene the casual disclosure. But, I can assure you that there are people who won't really be concerned with HSV. The virus is super common, but even to those who are not HSV+, risk can be explained pretty easily. In the process of explaining the risk, you will also have the opportunity to show that you take every precaution to protect others. Starting with disclosure, and following up with taking medication and using protection correctly. I hope you can gather up your courage and continue to live the way you want, do the things you want to. I am certain that you will discover that herpes really can't stop you from doing anything. It's just a couple extra things to remember to do, not an end to anything at all.

Doing more research, especially as it pertains to the risk factors to new partners is definitely a good plan! Remember that there are plenty of other people who are as lonely as anyone can get. They are ready for that ideal partner, and you really can't fault anyone for getting excited when they finally meet someone that can honestly check off even one box on the list of needs.

I personally avoid touching affected areas due to the risk of spreading the virus to different parts of my body. I may be overly cautious about it, but it is a real concern for me. Touching the area, even just to ally ointment seems like extra risk to me. If you aren't on suppression medicine already, I would recommend asking your doctor about Valacyclovir to manage symptoms and prevent out break. It even reduces asymptomatic "shedding" of the virus. There is no medical evidence of oils or home remedies actually effecting herpes or symptoms, but there are some in the community here who do use one form of remedy or another. I just personally prefer to let the symptoms stay where they are and not spread at any cost of discomfort. The usual caveat: I am not a doctor and have near zero medical knowledge. Ask your doctor and follow their recommendations exactly.

You have so many great qualities that are obvious from reading your perspective. I'm glad you aren't afraid! You deserve to feel this kind of pride and confidence, and anyone who you choose to date can at least admire your courage and compassion when you disclose unashamedly! You are extremely resilient, and having the courage to talk to the guy you contracted from may well do more good than you can know. Whether you accept his offer to help with cost and support, know that you did a really good thing! Keep being courageous and kind! You may not need a lot of support yourself, but consider checking in with the community here occasionally anyway. Your perspective and your resilience could be just the kind of thing that someone in a really tough spot might need.

His indecision is mostly based around his uncertainty about his comparability with you. He is thinking from the perspective that he hasn't quite found the one yet, and plans on continuing the hunt. For now.

"Just a random one-nighter" That's a human being. You know the #MeToo thing? It's about consent. And this is no different than guys who "assumed she was cool with it."

First, nobody should expect anyone to be perfect. Personally, I always hoped to discover a girl's weirdness and imperfections early on. When I finally found someone who was not so guarded that they could be weird around me, I stuck with them! Second, tell him by asking if he has any history of STDs, disorders or genetic conditions. It's a fair question to someone you are genuinely interested in. They will ask you the same, and you'll have your chance to be honest without just blurting it out. Even better, most people have some stories about conditions in their family like heart diease or cancer, which gives you a chance to learn a little more about them and build a little bit of understanding. Third, you have nothing to be so stressed about. You are giving him a chance to give consent. You are showing that you care about his ability to choose and his well-being, which demonstrates kindness and courage. If he doesn't value kindness, courage and honesty, he's probably not that great anyway.

It is entirely possible that changing hormones has caused an otherwise dormant infection to start showing symptoms. While there are other possibilities of how and why, dwelling on those thoughts only leads to more sadness and anger. I am sure you know well the harm that entertaining that sadness and that anger can cause, for you and those closest to you. I think that it is important to treat your suspicions and your medical diagnosis separately. Choose priorities. Weigh out what is most important to you and act on those priorities. I assume you will decide that your health and ability to have relief from symptoms would be most important. If so, consider taking suppression medicine like valacyclovir daily to prevent symptoms. Outside of that, your suspicion regarding your husband's integrity are a symptom of entirely separate circumstances. Don't be tempted to use a diagnosis as the reason to unhinge a potentially great relationship, especially considering the strength of that relationship has provided the kind of resilience it takes to endure bad times and stay together. I won't ever advocate someone leaving or staying in a relationship that has been strong for so long as you have, and I think it would be inappropriate for anyone to do so. I would advocate taking the time to take a step back and look inside yourself to determine if there is any internal struggles fueling your resentment. Finding yourself facing a very real struggle with such a diagnosis is definitely going to rattle anyone's sense of identity and security. Resolve those thing before you commit to any actions that would sour your relationship. And don't take relationship advice from strangers who only know 3 paragraphs about your life and your family.

That is a really deceptively complex question. Abstain and see a doctor. Ideally, a doctor who is aware of your individual lifestyle, general health, and other conditions and medications.

Congratulations on having a great relationship and for working so hard to protect him! It's hard to know what factors are contributing to your situation, but anxiety might be a big one. Try to give yourself permission to feel reassured when he offers kindness and understanding, rather than attempting to read between the lines. It seems like your self-image is suffering due to your circumstances, and that can become a problem which feeds itself. Diet, exercise, sleep and reducing stress are great goals (and really everyone should be working to keep their lifestyle healthy whether they are ill or not!) But it can be much harder to influence your own self-image when facing symptoms as you are. Maybe it would help to take a look at the activities you have been choosing for yourself and decide if you might need to carve out more time for things that help you to feel valuable, accomplished and fulfilled. If you are already doing those things, great! Keep it up, and make those lifestyle changes you lusted for yourself. Even if nothing helps speed up recovery (which I doubt will be the case), you will heal eventually and those lifestyle changes will continue to benefit you for the rest of your life. Remember to identify when you fall victim to a self-defeating attitude and give yourself permission to feel reassurance, happiness, and contentment when you can!

I know that his reservations regarding sex may be difficult to be patient with. But sex is icing on the cake for relationships, and should be handled with a lot of understanding and mutual enthusiasm. It seems like he certainly does have some internal things he needs to take the time to figure out, and your support in that will be important. Hitting the issue point blank is an option. It may not be the best for your style of relationship, but it is worth considering if you are each emotionally resilient enough to take some harsh truth from each other and still feel loved. Choosing the right words is the key. Understanding that the thoughts and emotions of the other are real things that they experience and those things are profound is helpful in gaining a perspective that will help you to talk to him about the topic without becoming reflexively defensive, or worse, reflexively accusatory. Group counseling, relationship counseling, and researching together are great tools. But they are only a part of the equation. The biggest factor in you each reaching a level of comfort in sexuality will be effective communication and willingness to hear and understand each other. Especially when the things the other has to say may be difficult to hear and understand. It may seem like initiating a conversation about lack of sex will only open a can of worms in the relationship and result in a lot of hurt feelings. But there is an elephant in the room. You need to talk about it.

6 months update: Life is normal! I am bringing together years of striving for goals and dreams this year. Herpes hasn't gotten in the way of any of it! I am still capable, desirable, kind and good. Just like I knew I would keep being, despite my diagnosis. My blood pressure is coming back into normal levels, my relationship is moving along really well, my work is becoming easier, and my hobbies are still a source of fun. Super grateful for all of those things!

Herpes has trouble infecting skin that is thicker. For example, cheeks and forehead. Plus, already having herpes makes you more resistant to spreading after several months or years. That said, there is a chance that it may have infected, however slim. Treating sores in a way that involves touching them increases chances of spreading the virus. Taking suppression medicine like valacyclovir is the best way to manage an out break. The usual caveat: I am not a doctor and have near zero medical knowledge. Always ask your doctor / pharmacist and follow their recommendations exactly.

I definitely contracted HSV genital to genital. So whatever to that dude... More misinformation for you.

You have no reason to feel guilty! You disclosed and gave him the chance to make his own decisions. What an absolutely wonderful thing to do! If he decided, whether based on misconception in his own mind, or for honest belief that he did indeed not need to consider the implications, then his actions are definitely irrational. What you can take away from this experience is that there are plenty of people who don't think about their own future, or where they want their life to lead. It is in no way a reflection of the kind of person you are.

@Mil21 Really glad that you did decide to disclose and then followed up here! Congratulations on having the courage!

You haven't sinned. There is no need to feel like you are a bad person. You made a mistake. You didn't intend to hurt anyone, in fact I am sure you intended for her to walk away thinking, "Damn that's a great guy!" The skin-to-skin thing means that there is a small chance of transmission when an area that has been effected on you touches her skin directly, even without symptoms. That's called "shedding", meaning the virus is present, but not actively attacking. While I don't know much about lambskin, it is still a barrier (if not the best kind). You clearly took some steps to protect her, and that is no small thing. I hope I didn't put you down, I really don't mean to. I know you have a lot of good qualities and a lot of strength to seek some information / advice on the situation you find yourself in. I know it doesn't mean much, but good luck. I hope for the best. For her, for you too.

Transmission rates are indeed low when on suppression medicine and using condoms properly. However, considering your specific circumstances, it would be only fair to inform this person and recommend that they test in about 4 weeks. It's not going to be a pleasant conversation and she is going to experience anxiety. Unfortunately, that is the position you find yourself in. Is it an option to keep this all a secret and hope for the best? Sure. But that would definitely result in additional guilt for you and a lot of anger on her part if you did actually transmit. There is a measure of good you can do here, if you are tough enough and have the courage. You can tell her, you can weather the storm of her surprise and anger, and you can offer some hope for her in informing her that you will be there for her if she wants questions answered. 1. You regret not disclosing first. 2. You understand if she doesn't want to hear from you, or if she has a lot of negative things to say. 3. You feel guilty about putting her at risk, and you want to start doing the right thing. Namely, answering her questions and helping her to find a place to be tested after the 4 - 6 weeks it will take for her immune system to react (if it she even has contacted the virus). 4. It is hard to calculate risk in any single event, but there is a good chance that she has not come in contact with the virus. It only sheds from direct skin to skin contact and you did at least do your best to avoid that even before you identified any symptoms of an outbreak in yourself. 5. It is possible that she may have already had it and not known, that is surprisingly common. A positive test before the 4 - 6 week period would indicate a prior infection. 6. If the worst has indeed happened, you will understand both if she doesn't want to talk to you and also if she has need for someone to be supportive.

You should stay in touch with your doctor about HPV visible symptoms are treatable, and there is slim chance that it will be permanent. HSV is manageable. Antiviral medication like valacyclovir can prevent outbreaks and control symptoms. You should definitely disclose before getting intimate. Unfortunately, that guy turned out to be a malicious person who happened to have a virus. The virus itself will not make you spontaneously a bad person. If you need time to get your head right, that's okay. But don't lock yourself away forever out of fear! There is definitely a bunch of people out there who would be really happy to be in a relationship with you, flaws included! The only person who will reject you over something so common and unimportant as herpes is someone who either not done searching for the right one, or someone who plans to do you harm. Your diagnosis and subsequent disclose will act as the words best bullshit filter. All the empty promises for the future, and lies will be shattered the instant you disclose. That will turn out to save you a lot of grief and wasted time. You'll also find that there are many people who won't be stricken with anxiety when you disclose. You might not find them right away, bit there are many. They won't see a medical condition as a threat in itself, and they will know that it is far more important to find someone genuine. With the courage and the kindness to make their well-being and right to consent a priority over fear and shame. Because there is nothing to be ashamed of. And there is literally nothing to fear. If anyone ever freaks out, or disappears, they would be doing you a favor. You don't need someone who plans to move on after they get their temporary fix, and you don't want a man who is a victim to his own fear.

Herpes should not leave permanent scars. There are a lot of complicating factors which may make that statement untrue for you personally. It is best to ask a doctor directly.

Try not to feed the fear train of thought. Focus on all those things that make you a great person! If all you can offer someone is compassion, empathy, honesty, passion and thoughtfulness... Think about that. What more does anyone you want to be with possibly want? Some people have an unhealthy obsession with penguin figurines, Kardashians, or politics. All dealbreakers to some, but just a footnote to others. For the person who is right for you, herpes will be equally a footnote to an otherwise fantastic relationship.

You should ask your doctor about suppression medicine like valacyclovir. It will help you fight the virus. I know the kind of depression you are going through. The loss of identity, the shame, the fear about the future. It's really a good thing that you have people close to you to talk to. Keep doing that. Try to make plans to do something exciting soon. It will give you something to look forward to, and begin to feel better about the future. Find ways to help people close to you. Their genuine gratitude and appreciation will help you to remember that you are valuable and desirable. Know that herpes hasn't changed you a bit. You are still good at the things you were good at 2 months ago. Keep doing the things you used to enjoy. Keep doing the things you used to be good at. You'll see that you are still good at those things, and that the sense of accomplishment you gain from those things will help you to realize that your goals and your dreams are still just as much within reach!