How is your post-diagnosis sex life?

[Kilogold]

Hi all,

 

I know most of us will soon come to realize that aside from our own outlook, barely anything in life really changes after our diagnosis.

 

Then there's that one little (big) thing...

The thing we all end up craving that got us into our current situations; a healthy sex life.

 

I'm hoping to see how others have experienced changes in their life.

Seeing as I am starting the thread, I'll go first.

 

 

I have been single, and used to be sexually active (around once to thrice a month or two).

After my diagnosis about 9 months ago, I have not had a complete sexual encounter.

I've fooled around only once, and it wasn't too far either.

As the guy, it's up to me to escalate the situation, and everything was set to allow for things to happen, yet the thought of having to disclose at a moment like that was enough to stop me in my tracks, so I left it as simply fooling around.

I only got that far because I put my condition entirely out of my mind, so that I could focus on being attractive.

I guess eventually that tactic bit me in the ass.

 

I don't know if this means I'm still working up to it, but the main topic remains...

 

How is your sex life post-diagnosis?

 

[willow]

I think this is a grest subject to talk about. A lil tmi goes along way for newly diagnosed!

 

So i was diagnosed jan 3rd 2014.

In april had a one night stand, i disclosed, and he explained hos dad was a dr. And already knew the stats so tje disclosure became super easy.

 

A week before june met a wonderful guy. Told him on our 2nd date (we were making out on tje couch, and figure he should know sooner than later) he didnt know barely anything about it at the rime, but also said he didnt care. We became officially bf/gf june 1st which was also a blood test comfirmation that i was hsvg2 possitive.

 

And man oh man do we have sex! Its not just good, its super intimate. And more frequent than relationships in the past.the honesty we share with eachother makes sex more than sex.

 

[whitedaisies]

Yay for u willow!!!!

 

Hoping that's me soon.

 

:)

[myfiercecalm]

Made out with an ex gf once since my diagnosis several months ago. She was one of the first people I told about it as I wanted to be sure she got tested and I hadn't given it to her when we were together before.

 

Awhile after that, we were about to have sex but I sort of killed the mood talking about suppressants (hey at the time I thought nothing could be hotter right?!). That is a long winded way of saying non-existent since diagnosis :P But she was super cool being so intimate with me despite knowing about the hsv and we are still good friends as always. And we both need to move on anyway. I just haven't been the best at that part yet. Yay TMI!

[WCSDancer2010]

I've had two post - divorce relationships (my ex hubby got H from me before I knew what it was) and a few false starts. One on suppressants and one not. No condoms for either once we got past the STD test/talk part. Both were 3 yrs each. Neither got it from me.

 

The false starts have been mixed ... one didn't care at all but I insisted we use condoms (turned out he was a cheater with a fiance in Atlanta, but I had already figured out something was off and I wasn't surprised when things went south ... we'd only been dating a few months anyway) ... and 2 guys who were rebounding (I figured out later) so they were pretty short. The sex part was good with each though .. and to my knowledge noone got it from me.....

[Yadira]

My boyfriend & I have been together almost a year and our sex life is amazing. We are careful but do not hold anything back. We completely enjoy every moment. This has brought us closer sexually. He takes the time to always make it special, sweet & intimate. I have HSV2 and he does not. We always use condoms but he doesn't really want to anymore. I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop using them yet but it's very comforting to know that he truly loves me and accepts all the risks. There can be great sex after diagnosis!

[Kilogold]

@WCSDancer2010

@willow

@myfiercecalm

@Yadira

 

Thanks for sharing!

I know this helps me realize that I can have that satisfying sex life again so I can focus more on the other important things in life.

 

I feel this is really helpful for those who think they'll have to now live in celibacy or never have that sex-on-a-regular-basis life.

I know it helped me for sure! :D

 

Thanks all! Active or inactive, keep them coming!

We want to know both sides of the coin

[mmy]

Hi all, I just joined this forum and I must say I am learning so much about herpes..wow I can finally type it and say it out loud with out feeling bad about it. I got it 5 months ago from a guy that did not know he had it. so he says. I have done lots of research on the subject. but there is still something I don't understand. how does foreplay play a role on this? so I know I can use a condom and take medication to reduce the chances of passing it on. I know it can be passed through exchange of body fluids, but what about foreplay? If I have herpes and my guy goes down on me, can he get it? which type would he get? If I have herpes and I go down on my guy, can he get it? which type would he get? also I was diagnosed with both I and II, so If i kiss someone can they get it? PLEASE HELP!!! I don't know why I am getting so confused but I really need some insight here...can someone help share some light?? I really want to prepared and well informed..I am sorry if my questions are personal but I would really like to know. Thank you so much!!!

[Jayz]

WCSDancer - thanks for your story, I gather you've been living with this a long time and have followed all the research. Glad to hear you can have 3-yr relationships without condoms and not pass it on.

 

I still worry though - I thought I read studies that said that even with condoms and suppressants the risk is, what, like 4% or so? Are there studies about the % without condoms? What risk were you (or your partner, really) willing to take, or did you count on being aware of impending OBs and hope you weren't shedding?

 

Even at 4% - that's one in twenty five. meaning out of every 25 times there's likely to be one time that the other is infected? If I am intimate for, say, 25 years with my partner it's bound to catch up to us, and I don't want to do that. (Although I'll be 80 in 25 years, but hey . . .!)

 

Or am I looking at the numbers - or the realities - wrong?

[Rose2014]

It has been four months since my diagnosis (HSV1 genital), and I have not been able to even consider being sexual.

For the first few months, I was dealing with constant outbreaks, and struggling with the unending physical symptoms, but for the last six weeks, I've been on suppressive therapy, and I am feeling so much better. I can go for almost an entire day without even thinking about my H+ status, which has been amazing!

I contracted H from a coworker with whom I had a brief fling. I had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I got this from him so easily and quickly, when we weren't serious, and he quickly moved on and out of our city shortly after my diagnosis.

I have dealt with that, as best I can, and feel in a better place emotionally, although I still have my moments and my struggles with it.

I am definitely not dating anyone - I'm not at all ready. It's not even the disclosure aspect that I dread. I just feel too traumatized physically to even consider being sexual, and this really bothers me.

I have come a long way in accepting the fact that I have this, I understand how common it is, and I know, intellectually, it is only a nuisance skin condition.

I would never think any less of anyone for having it, but apparently, I have this deep, deep-rooted disgust with myself as a result of my diagnosis that I can't seem to shake.

I hate bathing or having to do anything that involves me having to be aware of that area of my body, or go near it. I barely get by with what I have to do.

I have a huge mental block, and I don't know how to break through it and let myself really accept that I still deserve to be sexual. Because I know I deserve to have a fulfilling sex life, like anyone else, and I crave that.

I have made attempts to venture into doing things for "self-love" and all that, with toys and books, to try and rediscover my sexuality about a month after my diagnosis, but I immediately put them all away and never took them out again. I just can't bring myself to do it.

So, I'm wondering: has anyone else ever felt this way, and if so, how did you learn to embrace your sexuality again after discovering you have H?

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@mmy - please see PM - I don't want to take this thread off on another tangent from the question at hand ... ;)

[WCSDancer2010]

@JayZ

 

I've had H for 35 yrs, so yes, I have a lot of personal experience and I've seen a lot of changes in research and understanding of H in that time.

 

The answers to your questions regarding % risk are in the handouts that you can get here: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Very quick stats: F-M transmission risk is 5% .. M-F risk is 10% because we have more general area where the virus can get in. Condoms reduce risk by 50% (it your OB are outside the area where the condom covers, it's not a lot of use to you :( ), Anti-virals reduce the risk by at least 50% (more according to some studies) - so assuming you are a guy from your name, with meds and condoms you might reduce the risk of transmission to about 2-3% .

 

Life comes with risk. Sex DEFINITELY comes with risk - not only of STD's but pregnancy as well. But so does driving a car. It's all a matter of understanding your risk factors and choosing what safety measures and risks you are willing to take ;) The 4% is risk per YEAR btw - I understand the statistics are based on a study by the Valtrex manufacturer and involved couples having sex an average of at least 2x/week over an entire year. For comparison, the risk of pregnancy for typical use of a condom is 18%, when correctly using a condom it is 2-3%.

 

This is a blog I wrote about just this issue of risk to try to get people to have a reality check... it's not to make light of the risk but to put it into perspective

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

[WCSDancer2010]

@rose

 

please see PM - I don't want to take this thread off on another tangent from the original quesiton :) ...

[Amillionthings]

I dont even think about it. I feel so unattractive. I wouldnt disclose to a fling...and I wouldnt want a pne night stand. So that leaves me sex less. Im too anxious and nervous and completely self concious to even think about approaching anyone like i used to. It took me 5 years to meet someone and disclose.

[Amillionthings]

@rose2014...i get where you're coming from. Dont worry. I hate that part of my body now :(

[Sparklepony]

Nonexistent.

[whitedaisies]

Non existent with constant outbreaks no chance to be safe and intimate.

 

:(

[ADropInTheOcean]

Hello Lovelies,

 

What a wonderful question. Thank you @Kilogold for posting it. It is great to read the stories of others. I hope more will post after me.

 

I was diagnosed three months after I turned 19. I am 27 now. It had been bestowed upon me by my first partner, shortly after I had just begun exploring my sexuality, which was a bit of a blow. I got an STD from my first sexually active boyfriend, who had told me he had been clean. "I had done everything right," I thought to myself. "I had been responsible and straight-forward. How could this had happened so early in the game and so early in my life?" I was young. It's a thing.

 

I remember, after I had gotten over the shock, wondering how to go about it. Should I guard this piece of information like the ring of Mordor? Keep it secret? Keep it safe? I realized I didn't want to live that way. It wasn't my style, first of all, and second it didn't sound right to hide this part of my reality in the shadows, to safeguard myself from rejection and misconception.

 

Instead, I did my research, gathered the information, and prepared myself. I decided I would share the knowledge of my situation with those who I wished to be close to, either in friendship, in relationship, or in casual occurrences. "In some ways," I thought to myself, "this was a blessing." I could weed out those who were fair weather and find those who would not judge me based on this.

 

Funnily enough, at the age of 27, I can look back and say that I have not been rejected because of herpes (not to say I haven't had a couple of general rejections here and there). I have had several sexual partners, both in relationships and more casual situations. They all knew what they were getting themselves into (I have been adamant that they look at the research, ask me questions, and have time to themselves before we go into any hanky panky). I have been careful with protection and suppression therapy, have said outright no during outbreaks or what could be outbreaks, but in the end, I haven't let it stop me and it in turn hasn't stopped me from having a fun, fulfilling sex life.

 

I hope my story helps. Good luck to you all. <3

[Amillionthings]

@adropintheocean.....youre a good role model. Lovely to read your story x

[WCSDancer2010]

@ADropInTheOcean

 

Welcome! Glad to have you aboard! I got H at my first sexual encounter at 17 ... and 35 yrs on I'm like you.... it's not a big deal in my life.

 

"In some ways," I thought to myself, "this was a blessing." I could weed out those who were fair weather and find those who would not judge me based on this.

 

I call Herpes my Wingman for exactly this reason ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[ADropInTheOcean]

@Amillionthings Thank you!

 

@WCSDancer2010

Lol, woot! High five for getting h during first time sexual encounters! Hee, or not. :p

 

Great article! I like that.

 

The other thing that h does other than wingman is offer an alert system when you are not taking care of yourself. Stressful stuff going on? Forgetting to nurture and comfort yourself? Boom, baby, you got yourself an outbreak. Really not an alert system I would wish on anyone, but it's been strangely useful for keeping me on track and moving towards things that are good for me and away from things that are...well, less good.

 

^^I realize that is a little off-topic, I can always remove this post if necessary. Let me know :)

[TaniaUllarich]

Hi, I know I'm not active on this site as much as I would love to be, but I saw this and had to share mine. I was diagnosed very early May this year 2014. Since then H hasn't stopped my sex life one bit. It was rocky the first month cause I was sore from a UTI, but since then I've had intimacies several times a month, weekly or every few days. The first wasn't painful at all, and after that, as both my spouse and my Dom have been exposed, I've been with them both. And yes, I'll be the first to admit, with my Dom it can get very rough. No it doesn't hurt, the main thing is to make sure you are very aroused. If a guy knows what they are doing, then once the moisture is available, sex with H can still be very fun and enjoyable.