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Leelu

Casual sex and my first disclosure...

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Back story: I've had HSV-2 for three and a half years. I didn't date or have any kind of sexual interactions for the three years since the "giver" and I broke up, until last month. Met a guy, we clicked immediately, went on one date, but he has been away a lot for work, and it seems like his interest has disappeared. (I still hope we'll date in the new year when his schedule settles down a little, but I'm not waiting around.) I had been really anxious about how and when to disclose to him, since I'd never had to tell anyone before, I really like him, and I'm terrified of rejection. Well, I was hanging out with another guy this weekend after the bar, initially just as friends. There were a few people there, but then they left, and we decided to watch a movie and cuddle. We started making out, and he wanted to go further, and I kept making up excuses, but he was persistent (and I wanted to have sex with him, too, I just didn't want to tell him my dirty little secret). Finally I told him--and he has it too!!! What a relief! He had never talked about it to anyone before, and was glad to be able to discuss it with someone. We had a short conversation about it, then proceeded to have great sex. We're just friends, not dating or anything, and it felt easier to tell him because I had nothing to lose. Now that I have my first disclosure out of the way, I feel better about my future. But telling someone I really like will still be scary and difficult...

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Let me ask you this....if you had oral HSV (1 or 2), would you tell someone before kissing them? Do you ever ask someone before kissing them if they have oral HSV?

 

I find it odd that if someone isn't having an outbreak we still feel responsible to disclose concerning genital HSV, yet most don't disclose for oral HSV, without an outbreak. Everyone knows cold sores are contagious but most don't know it's HSV. And yes I know there is a chance (very slight according to the numbers), with asymptomatic shedding of giving it to someone else. I think because of the stigma, we make a bigger deal out of it than it is and education is the key.

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@Dave I agree, I'm always debating about disclosure. A good friend of mine who is a highly educated nurse and has worked in the medical field for several years and has many friends/coworkers who are GHSV+ all agree that disclosure doesn't need to happen before sex. Her opinion? Take meds, use condoms, abstain during outbreaks, and don't disclose until well into relationship territory.

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serious questions - But how can you have a relationship if you disclose after having already had sex? I think I would be furious if someone told me AFTER having sex.

 

I mean what if you (no matter how unlikely) gave it to someone and had not told them? I mean I don't know if I can deal with that. I can deal with me having it but not with me giving it.

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Lol I was about to say the same thing @lostandcused99

 

It's scary to know there are people out there that won't disclose their condition and will willingly have sex and infect other innocent people.

 

I wonder if he would have told you if you didn't disclose first.

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Yea Dave is right the funny thing is that genital HSV1 is even less active than oral HSV1 but you legally still have to disclose if you got genital whereas oral just gets called "cold sores" and there is no legal issue. It's probably much easier to give someone genital HSV1 if you "get cold sores" on your lip and go down on them than it would be if you had genital HSV1 and fucked them.

 

And, almost everybody has gets sores.

 

 

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@hippyherpy A minority of people get sores but a majority of people (about 80% of adults) are capable of transmitting HSV to uninfected partners. By contrast, I'd guess about 4% of people fall into the category of a) having genital herpes of either type, and b) have been diagnosed with genital herpes of either type (a small subset of those who have genital herpes). It is that 4% that is expected by much of society to disclose their HSV status to partners.

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Yeah well half the new cases of genital herpes in England come from people with a history of "cold sores" giving head to their partners. That's on par with or maybe more than genital hsv2 being passed around. The legality of everything herpes is very tenuous.

 

Another example of weak legality with regards to herpes is being able to prove who gave it to whom.

 

They need to just remove it from the legal all together.

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@hippyherpy I agree the legal stuff is based primarily on stigma and misinformation. Not arguing that at all. It is also a disincentive to testing.

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@Dave and @anette14_99..I agree with you both...no one discloses before kissing yet it seems like there is a huge pressure to disclose before sex due to HSV2. Its such a double standard...smh. @anette14_99...I think your nurse friend may be on to something..even tho many might not like her thoughts, I can see her point of view.

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@carmensandiego, I don't think we'd all be herpes free if more people disclosed. My guess is that the bulk of people spreading HSV are those who simply don't know they have it. 80% of people with HSV have no noticeable symptoms, and since HSV is not included in a standard STD panel people just don't know their status. My guess is the small portion of us who know we have it are the least likely to spread it.

 

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Someone ease send a link to the legal statute about disclosing GHSV. I was not aware of this. Thank you.

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