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Told a man that I had a GREAT connection with that I Herpes last night. It went terrible. I had alot to drink and cried my eyeballs out. He was nice about it, and said he talked in great lengths with onw of his female friends that dated someone with H. He said that we do have a great connection bit he doesnt want a sex life where he has to " follow rules" in a long term relationship. He even said that it may be selfish of him but thats how he feels. I am completely devastated. This is my first rejection. I did it all wrong amd let alcohol ams emotions get the best me. Has anyone ever had anyone change their mind?? 

Thank you for listening 

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This will make you much stronger.  We all hate rejection, not just in our community but in everything we do in life.  Right now, I don’t blame him but unfortunately he is entitled to seek a person that doesn’t any stds and that’s okay.  I asure you he is thankful to know that you cared enough to disclose.  It’s his choice and Nothing wrong with that.  You should move on to someone else. It is easier to change your self than change someone else.  

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3 hours ago, Rob1980 said:

Told a man that I had a GREAT connection with that I Herpes last night. It went terrible. I had alot to drink and cried my eyeballs out. He was nice about it, and said he talked in great lengths with onw of his female friends that dated someone with H. He said that we do have a great connection bit he doesnt want a sex life where he has to " follow rules" in a long term relationship. He even said that it may be selfish of him but thats how he feels. I am completely devastated. This is my first rejection. I did it all wrong amd let alcohol ams emotions get the best me. Has anyone ever had anyone change their mind?? 

Thank you for listening 

Getting drunk and then crying about it is 100% not the right tactic here my friend. I'm not saying that to lecture you, but I want to be real with you about how that comes across. It makes it look like herpes is something that is messing you up and that you're not ready to deal with it or be in a relationship with someone. Whether or not that's true, that's how it's going to look to the person you are disclosing to. I feel like you already know this, and that you'll take a different approach in the future. 

There is a very good chance, however, that this guy is just closed off to the idea of dating someone with herpes. Sometimes that's all there is to it. That's not on you and there is nothing you can do about that. For your next disclosure, try to be clam and confident. All you can do is be honest with someone and hope that they respect that. 

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Thank you for the replies. I know I was wrong in doing that, I have done that in the past and thought I was healthier about it because I have had a few calm conversations about it in the past and was proud of myself. The man last night said a few things about the future and it triggered my drunk self to tell him. I totally regret my deliverance and will once again work on telling someone the right way again. I'm just so devastated and mad at myself for how I handled it. 

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It's not very often that you have such a great connection with someone, I've been dating for way too long... So I was praying that he liked me enough to stay. 

I told him I respected his decision but am bummed out because we had a great connection and he said we totally have a great connection and he is really bummed out as well. 

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My first (and only, so far) disclosure was a rejection. I told the guy within 15 minutes of getting the results of the blood test, and I was a hot mess. Did not go about it the right way at all. 

He said essentially the same thing. That he didn't want to put his body and health at risk, and that although he felt we had a great connection, he just wasn't willing to accept the risk, no matter how long.

It sucked, and I was sad about it, but then I realized that I am still the same good person that I was before I got that phone call. It took this guy about a month, but he decided that he didn't care about the HSV anymore, and now regularly texts me, wanting to hook up. And now I tell him no. I am not a hookup. It does feel good to know that he has accepted that and is willing to accept whatever risks there may be, but he was too little too late. I have moved on and am now looking to date someone else. Knowing that this other guy is okay with it lets me know that there will be others who are okay with it, too. And they will want more than just a hookup.

I don't want to give you any false hope, but there is always a small chance that this man that you disclosed to will come around and realize that the connection is more important than the small risk. But, I recommend that you don't sit around and wait for him to do that. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back out there. 

(Before I disclose to anyone else, though, I will be having the Western Blot done to confirm the results. After speaking with someone at UW, they told me that the blood test has over a 50% false positive rate in people who are asymptomatic. I have never had any symptoms of HSV, and have had zero chance of exposure in over 10 years, so they feel fairly certain that my test will result in a negative. So, I'm going to spend the money and find out for sure. No sex and no disclosing until then)

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Hi Rob1980

I'm so sorry your disclosure did not go well & I know it hurts like crazy!
I wouldn't blame yourself for having to much alcohol either, it happens & I know there are "correct procedures" to disclose
but that's not why he rejected you.

I've never known someone to change their mind after making the instant decision to reject but sadly have known them to
accept then reject a couple of weeks later, think that's more common as they have thought it through.

I've been where you are now & know how much it hurts but you just have to keep going,
disclosures will get easier & you will find someone special who will accept the whole you!

I wish you the best of luck

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Thank you for your kind reply. I'm going to try to dust myself off. This just really hit hard ( amongst some other things that happened to me this month) which is why I think I was more emotional than usual. We just had such amazing chemistry and it makes me mad that he was able to reject me without even researching. He has been dating for years, and probably has never had a blood test, so he could have it and not even know..  Anyway, I hope this doesn't discourage me in the future. I just feel so sad, I have SO much to offer the right person. Thank you again for your positive reply. Really needed someone to talk to..

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I relate to your experience! My first real disclosure to a new person was full of tears and snot. Totally the exact same thing you went through in terms of this being a relatively kind person I felt a good connection with . . . and feeling rotten afterward for how I handled it. Here's the deal, though, and one of the best ideas I think I've gotten from the Herpes Opportunity community: that herpes can be your wingman, to some degree. It helps you find the true gems out there. This guy may have been great, and the connection good, but he wasn't great enough *for you* and the connection wasn't quite up to snuff if this situation is a problem for him. 

I have a strong need to be honest with potential partners, and to also ensure they are educated and understand *everything* about hsv . . . this is because my journey of learning my true status was a nightmare I don't wish to foist upon anyone. I sometimes overcompensate by being a bit scary in my presentation! This ultimately ended up working in my favor in my last round of approaching dating. Having failed before by crying my eyes out, I approached online dating with a few new ideas in my head:

1. I want to date smart people who know a bit about safe sex and testing, so I had to admit to myself that uninformed and/or willfully ignorant people shouldn't be in my dating pool. That narrows things considerably, limiting myself to people who are receptive to talking plainly and openly about these matters helps enormously

2. I would LOVE to find someone else also dealing with the same virus, so I'd have to be willing to take some steps into a vulnerable place to find them. There are others out there in the same boat, I have to trust we'll find each other. One aspect of that was using the questions on OkCupid to see who displayed open attitudes and common sense answers on the STD questions they provide, and another was making a profile on Positive Singles (though I admit PS sort of sucks because you have to pay for it to be able to connect with people, but I did find one brave man who used his photo on that site as well as on a regular dating site, so I made contact with him eventually)

3. I would treat everyone with care and kindness, and ask the same from them, and because I never know whether an initial contact is truly going to be a potential lover, I would approach everyone from a place of friendship, first and foremost. #3 is what really ended up being the radical move for me.

Because I was clear that I needed friendship first, I eliminated fast movers and hook-up artists, I felt good about taking my time with things because I am not looking for fast and easy connections. Sometimes I disclosed very quickly because it came up, sometimes I never got to the point where it was necessary because it was clear it wasn't a match. As it turned out, I ended up forming a relationship with a man who started out as a friend only. Because we didn't seem to be a good match otherwise, we settled into being friends easily, and because we had a great connection I disclosed to him quite easily, explaining how my situation impacted my dating choices. At first he became my cheerleader as I applied all my new methods to trying to find my perfect "also positive" date . . . eventually he asked me for more information about transmission stuff . . . eventually we found ourselves feeling more like a match than we originally thought . . . together we explored what it took for both of us to feel safe about growing our relationship into intimacy. He relaxed a great deal as we learned more about how a positive person who knows their status is a safer lover than one who doesn't know, and I filled my prescription for a daily dose of Valtrex to further reduce our shared anxiety about transmission. The rest is history. We are probably not a forever thing, but we are a great right-now.

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Well here I am about 4 months later, I was so broken up in January that I forgot to add that we agreed to be friends. We chatted back and forth for awhile but then he started dating someone else for a couple months. Well they ended it recently and he messaged me casually about a restaurant that we had been to a few times, and I told him if he wanted company to let me know because I was kid free. He immediately replied " how does 5 sound?" So we went out ( this past sat) had a great time like we always did ( laughing non stop) but I'm pretty sure, I got more of a friendly vibe from him. He came in afterward and we chatted awhile and he went home, and said he would " for sure" like to get together again soon. Then on Sunday he went on a date ( which he told me about on sat as we exchanged dating stories) and he was bantering with me back n forth about why she wasn't a good match and we were sending funny meme's etc... 

I'm not sitting around and waiting for him, I've been dating too but since we started talking again, I'm hoping there could be a chance?? One of the things that really bothers me is I never really laid the slim risk out for him. I sent him the pamphlets from this site and may have said some things in my drunken stupor ( in Jan)  about how I never have outbreaks and blah blah blah, but I never soberly got to tell him, and now I'm just wondering if I should bring it up again ot let it be? Maybe tell him to watch Adam ruins everything on Netflix ( the one about H) and then give him the % of catching it because I don't think he knows much about it.. Or do I just leave it alone and see if he throws flirty vibes out? We only knew each other a short time, but everytime we went on a date there was no mistaking a connection.. Any advice would be appreciated! 

 

 

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I would advise that accept it for what it is right now and carry on dating other people (I mean he is dating other people).. that way you can’t get disappointed or put your life on hold for him. It also may make you seem more attractive to him when he sees that you’re not waiting around for him and you’re getting on with your life. 

You could continue to hang out as friends and perhaps the topic of H will come up again and that will give you an opportunity to mention th transmission rates. 

 

Hope of it works out for you. You did the right thing disclosing and it must’ve been incredibly hard (but brave)! 

 

X

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Thank you! I have been dating and he knows it, I gave off friendly and positive vibes the whole night. I am definitely doing my own thing, just holding onto a little hope that he will change his mind ( of course he doesn't know that, lol) 

Was happy when he reached out to me first though. Thanks again everyone! The struggle with H has been hard. After his rejection, I feel I pushed every guy away that was trying to even get to know me. Got rejected again once after him, by some doofus that didn't even walk me to my car, lol Tbh though, I just used him as practice of telling someone in a healthy way because I didn't care if he rejected me or not. Anyway, hope all that makes sense! Have a great day everyone ❤

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On 5/22/2019 at 1:26 AM, My_dog_is_hungry said:

Just leave it, he's got the details, if he wants to know more he can do the research. Make him come to you!

We are dating now! Had a great discussion and he said that he has felt the same about me but thought that I was " okay" with being friends. He apologized for his reaction and said I caught him off guard and with and with our many drinks that night he couldn't think fast enough and didn't have the right words. Everything is going great, and I couldn't be happier! 

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@Rob1980 I’m happy he came to his senses. Being happy is a beautiful thing! I can’t wait  until I find someone and I’m happy too. I wish you guys all the best ❤️❤️

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