mr_hopp

Well, only certain people are ass backwards. He showed his ass. Luckily you didn't have to sleep with him and start developing feelings for him before actually discovering his true colors. Notice the tendency to take this personally as if there is something wrong with you. The problem lies more in his court as far as I can tell. His judgments. His shallowness. His focus toward fucking versus actually caring about who he's fucking. You did everything right and noble. I'm proud of you for disclosing ... and count this one as a dodged bullet. There are so many fish in the sea who will see your disclosure and YOU as valuable. Don't give up on you being loved. He won't love you because he's not the one who's meant to love you, not because you're unlovable. :)

Just like any normal wound, a herpes outbreak needs to be able to heal over naturally. A lot of scarring I've heard of is by picking at the scabs or trying to speed up the process unnaturally. Putting any sort of healing balm that you would put on any other wound can help the body complete the healing process, including avoiding scarring/blotchiness. (For the record, I don't put anything on my outbreaks/scabs and my outbreaks have all healed naturally with no scarring. But I have heard that some people have had scarring.) As far as healing the scars that are already there, you'd treat them just like any other scar (just be careful if your outbreaks occur around mucous membranes). Here's an article on reducing scar discoloration: http://www.ehow.com/how_4455061_reduce-scar-discoloration.html

Ah, that feels REALLY good to hear all of that from you. So you feel solid in yourself, but you're just afraid of how he will react? Well, that's a huge lesson in life (one that I'm still practicing), to control that which we can control and let go of that which we can't. If you have opened yourself up so he can truly know the beautiful person you already clearly know yourself to be, then all you can do is let him make his own decision. When it comes down to it, herpes really is just herpes. You can educate him all you can with the disclosure handout here so the stigma doesn't give false facts: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout That's what dating and the ways of love is all about — getting to know the other person in all their good and bad stuff and allowing yourself to be known. Then each of you make a decision on whether you want to be together or not. Herpes is just one thing in a list of many "pros and cons" ... And it certainly isn't a dealbreaker when it comes to someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know you on a deeper level.

The Western Blot is the gold standard when it comes to herpes blood tests. It's less ubiquitous than the IgG test, but definitely the best. I've heard of quite a few false positives and false negatives with the IgG test. http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-test/

Mainly the difference between the more expensive ones (Valtrex) and the less expensive (Acyclovir, for example) is that it's more time-released so you only have to take less of it in order to accomplish the same thing. I take Acyclovir, but not suppressive, only episodically. Except for when I am in a relationship with a woman who doesn't have herpes, then I take it daily for suppressive purposes.

Heya Emma! Yes, you can still have herpes outbreaks while on suppressive medication. It just generally has the effect of lessening the amount of herpes outbreaks you'll have and also lessens the amount of asymptomatic viral shedding that will be happening. That's why if you are taking suppressive therapy, it lessens the chances of spreading herpes by 48% as opposed to 100%. Check out these handout and blog articles for more info on all this stuff: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-treatment/

You keep answering with very short answers and I want to make sure that you get what I'm saying before moving on to the nitty gritty details. It's more important your mindset and how you feel about yourself than what you say. For example, I could give you an entire script to read off, but if you're feeling like shit about yourself and totally self-shaming, then that script will feel very different than if it's coming from someone who knows their worth on a deep level and will be okay whether the disclosure is accepted or rejected. Albert Einstein said "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Does that make sense? Do you see how you're still trying to solve this little problem of yours with the same mindset that created it? This is going to take some work for you. It's not a simple answer, but I promise you one thing: All the work you do of getting to know yourself and heal is worth it. I want to help you, but you have to get that this is deeper than just the words we use. It's all about our beliefs and feelings and understanding ourselves on a deeper level. Once we get clear on that, then we can talk specifics. :) Deal?

I understand that. We all have fear. It's what you do with your fear that counts. Do you understand what I wrote above beyond the fear? Use it as an opportunity to get to know your own triggers. Realize that you won't know how he will react until you disclose. A lot of this is imaginary until it actually happens. And how we assume it will go can actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy instead of allowing it what it will be. You're putting a lot of energy into it possibly going horribly wrong, and that's just not fair to all of the ways that it could go. Ultimately, mindset is everything. Get to the point where you can shift your mindset and how you see yourself and everything shifts.

Yep, that's what it's all about. Disclosing simply means that you've found someone that you trust with your vulnerability and want to take the relationship to the next level. That IS exciting! :)

:) Same thing applies to you, you, YOU! Your body immediately started building antibodies to protect it from HSV-1 the second you got it. Just don't touch an outbreak and then pick a zit on your lip and you're golden. It's really hard to autoinoculate (the magic phrase meaning spreading herpes to other parts of your body), so just use common sense and you'll be fine and keep it corraled to one spot.

I want to be clear about what I was specifically referring to in the whole disclosing piece: What I was referring to was a conversation about whether to disclose ORAL HSV-1 to a partner or not since 80% of people have it. That was where the question of reverse-disclosure came in. Interestingly, since a majority of people don't have HSV-1 genitally, then disclosure is the way to go. But when more people have it than don't have it, where does the responsibility lie? For example, in the population of African American women in America, 48% have genital herpes. If one out of two black women have herpes, then those who date black women should know the risks. It's a fascinating discussion across the board, regardless. And to your question, antibodies certainly protect a lot against spreading HSV-1 to other parts of the body, but there is still a chance of spreading it to the genitals, especially if you have an actual visible outbreak happening (but you would definitely avoid sex during these periods anyway). Most likely with the small amount that the virus sheds during asymptomatic viral shedding, their antibodies for HSV-1 would probably protect against them getting it genitally from you. Make sense? (Disclaimer: And I'm no doctor, but from all I've heard and read it seems to be a fair assumption to make.) ;)

Hey Lulu! This brings up an oft-discussed topic on these forums: With oral HSV-1 being so prevalent (no, not 60% — 80% of Americans have oral herpes/cold sores!), then where does the responsibility lie? Also, to your question about possibly spreading HSV-1 to their mouth if someone gives you oral sex, consider this: Since 80% of people have cold sores, then KISSING someone else who carries HSV-1 orally has the same possibility of spreading oral HSV-1 as having oral sex with someone who has genital HSV-1. It's the same virus, only in a different place. See how this is a direct representation of our sexual shame? If I contracted oral HSV-1 from oral sex or kissing someone, it ends up affecting me in exactly the same way; only difference is from which part of the other person's body I got it from. Ultimately, who cares? But for some reason, our minds make it mean something vastly different. So, to your question specifically, if the overwhelming majority of people have something, does the responsibility lie in those who have it (when the chances of the person you're telling has it, too) or does it lie in those who don't have it (and know that the majority of people do, so if they want to protect themselves, they need to bring it up)? It's an open question, and I've heard plenty of people who are on both sides of this topic. It's a fascinating one to consider because it really opens up a lot around our sexual shame as a culture. And about your worry that HSV-1 is more transmissible than HSV-2 genitally, that's simply not true. Genital HSV-1 only asymptomatically sheds 3-5% of the time while genital HSV-2 sheds 15-30% of the time. Check out all the facts here: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout ... and here are some blog articles about HSV1 and HSV2: http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes See how getting the facts and putting it in the proper perspective can help ease a lot of unnecessary worry and shame? Allow yourself to see the truth of this instead of a shameful imagination of it. :)

What has you questioning your ability to do it? What's happening in your experience? Fear? Self-judgment? Thoughts that he'd never accept herpes? Take this as an opportunity to get to know your own triggers and reasons so they aren't unconscious motivations. Bring them to the surface and look at them. Maybe they turn out being good reasons to not disclose, and maybe they get exposed by irrational ways we all try to keep ourselves safe from intimacy and vulnerability. And hey, don't judge yourself for "chickening out." This is a process of learning how to accept yourself on a deeper and deeper level. And processes take time and practice. Don't give up on yourself. We're all here for you to remind you that you're worth it. :)

Ready for a corny, cliché line that is totally and completely the answer? Love yourself. :) Yep, love yourself. And that process can be as simple or as complicated as we'd like it to be. Once we truly love ourselves, then we can't really be rejected. Rejection cuts deeply when someone else's rejection of us leads us to go along for the ride and in turn reject ourselves. When we accept and love ourselves regardless, then we are immune to the ultimate rejection of self.

Hey jessi! I hear ya, it could compound the shame or it could be just another thing. Do you know that 80% of people at some point in their lives will contract some version of HPV? It's by far the most prevalent STD. Anyone who knows the reality of sexuality these days will see it for what it is and know that if they never get exposed to HPV, they are in the extreme MINORITY of people. And hey, stigma is stigma. People will believe what they will believe, but it's up to us to accept ourselves first. Then we disclose from a place of okayness with ourselves and we get to educate our potential partners. That is the only way stigma has a chance of dying in our culture ... if we get okay with ourselves first. It's a grand plan of self-acceptance on the horizon. :) Our beloved community member @lelani has talked about her "double H" in many of her posts. Look back through hers or contact her directly. (FYI, she's found an amazing man who she disclosed the double H to and they continue to fall deeply in love.) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/profile/comments/244/lelani/30

As far as prodrome goes, just assume that an itchy/tender sensation around the area where your outbreak(s) occur will probably signal that the virus is acting up. And about viral shedding, yes, you can safely assume that the shedding will be concentrated around the area where you usually get herpes outbreaks. You don't tend to be infectious in other areas. Herpes uses your nerve ganglia to travel from the base of your spine (where the virus hibernates in between outbreaks) to get to the surface of your skin. Once the virus finds one pathway, it tends to keep traveling down that pathway (the path of least resistance), although sometimes herpes outbreaks can move around a bit, but that's rare. Here are related blog articles: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-prodrome-symptoms http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/

Read the e-book about disclosure — http://eepurl.com/b4IPP — and realize that it's not about focusing on the struggle around the topic of herpes specifically; it's that having herpes actually forces you beyond the surface of your skin to look at who you are. Focus on all of those things. Because I guarantee you one thing: You've got a whole lot more to offer someone than a skin rash. ;) Find all of those beautiful things about yourself and herpes will cease to be the sort of issue it seems to be now.

Hi madlyinlovewithher! Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that your experience at such a young age with guys led to them treating you that way. My heart goes out to your 15-year-old self. Big hug to you. What needs to be cleared up with your girlfriend is where the fear is coming from. Some people can use herpes as something to blame for fear of intimacy and closeness, while at other times it simply is just a fear of getting herpes itself. If it's just a fear she has of getting herpes, then let her know that there is actually such a miniscule chance of passing genital HSV-2 to the mouth (less than 1%) that most doctors say it's not even something that should be worried about in the slightest. Oral HSV-1 can be passed to the genitals, but genital HSV-2 can't be passed to the mouth. In fact, one of the leading herpes researchers/doctors in America came to our local support group to answer questions and he said that people with genital HSV-2 don't have to worry at all about passing it to their partner via oral sex, so there's no reason to hold back from that at all! Here's a link to Dr. Leone's full talk with us and the question/answer session that followed: http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-genital-herpes-hsv-and-hpv ... and here are a few other blog articles that can help educate you and her on the basics: http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/rates-of-herpes-transmission/ ... and here are the handouts with all the facts and figures you'll need: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout So with all that said, if it's the surface level fear of simply contracting the virus itself, it's very easy to keep her very safe and keep the chances of her getting herpes very, very small. If it's a deeper fear, then you two can talk about that and use this as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level or realize this isn't the relationship for you. Either way, you're talking about something that is important: Your relationship and your connection with each other.

Hey Collegemale! Thanks for the kind words, bro! I'd love to have another male on these forums to help spread the positive message. I'm glad you're here and I'm so glad you're inspired. Feels really good to hear that. And yes, the statistics are accurate. And think about it: Even if you find someone who has passed herpes to someone else even with a double layer of protection (condom, suppressive therapy), in that case, the reality of it isn't a 2.5% chance, it ended up being 100% that herpes was passed in that one instance. See how looking for specific examples skews the whole concept of statistics? Look at the %s this way: If you use condoms and are on suppressive therapy with this woman, there is a 2.5% chance that she will 100% get herpes and a 97.5% chance that she will 0% get herpes. :) It's only a case-by-case basis. I personally ended up passing herpes to a woman I was in relationship with when I first got herpes and didn't know much about how to protect her. She accepted the risks, but ended up getting herpes from me. Now looking back on why that happened, I just wasn't that aware of my own body and what sensations meant that the virus was starting to come to the surface (prodrome symptoms). We both decided not to use condoms, but I was on suppressive therapy. On the other extreme, my most recent relationship of 3 years (we broke up about a year ago), I was on suppressive therapy and we didn't use condoms and she never got herpes. I've only passed herpes to one woman, and that was the first relationship after getting herpes. Knowledge and self-awareness is the best form of protection as far as I'm concerned. And for everyone else reading this wondering about where these %s are coming from, check out these handouts I created that has all these details on them: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Hey connect! Welcome from the Mediterranean! I love that we're a global community of people supporting one another to heal. How cool! :) SunnyDays is right. Don't start blaming chapped lips on herpes. Herpes doesn't create chapped lips. :) I know it may seem like every strange thing your body is doing from here on out is the result of this virus being in your system, but recognize how your mind can create things out of paranoia, too. And yes, waxing your lip around where you normally get an outbreak may cause an outbreak to occur, but so can a lot of things. Again, I'm with SD on saying go ahead and try and see what happens. You'll get to know your body better and know what brings on outbreaks and what doesn't. And hey, 80% of people have herpes on their lips, so don't let this very, very, very common virus cause you to start believing you're some monster who doesn't deserve to look at themselves in the mirror without judging. This is your opportunity to love and accept yourself deeper than ever now. You don't deserve to treat yourself with those kind of thoughts. The thoughts you think become the words you use. The words you use become your experience of your life. Here are a few articles from the H Opp blog that might help: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words/ http://herpeslife.com/destroy-your-herpes-shame-and-embrace-your-imperfections/ http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-genital-herpes-hsv-and-hpv/ http://herpeslife.com/could-you-use-herpes-to-empower-your-life/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-prodrome-symptoms

Hey PrettyLady! First off, congratulations for being at the point in the relationship where you feel disclosure is coming up! It may sound weird to hear a congratulations coming here, but ultimately when you switch your focus away from the fear of disclosure and into this meaning that you trust this guy and like him a whole lot, the desire to disclose actually signals a desire to go deeper into connection with him. And that's exciting! Any time we want to go deeper into connection with anyone, as beautiful as that is, it's also normal for fear of rejection to come up, too (whether or not herpes is involved). So don't lose site of the beauty of what's happening here. Sounds like an exciting time! Have you read the free e-book that I wrote? That's always a good starting point. :) http://eepurl.com/b4IPP Remember that ultimately it's more important what YOU think about yourself and about having herpes than what he thinks, because the whole concept of rejection and why it hurts so bad isn't so much about someone else rejecting us, but that triggering us rejecting ourselves. I know, deep, right? ;) Here's an audio recording I did a while back talking about how to never feel rejected again: http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 ... and here's a blog post all about how awesome YOU are. :) http://herpeslife.com/your-awesomeness-overshadows-herpes Please feel free to post any other questions you may have about any of this here after you've read the e-book and listened to the recording. I love helping shift perspectives out of the doldrums and into positivity! :) And most importantly, you got this. And you know it. ;)

I couldn't agree more. Whatever we focus on becomes bigger, which is why it's ironic that so much of the Herpes Opportunity is to get all the knowledge you need about herpes in order to stop focusing on it so much. If we focus on the shame and all the reasons herpes will be a dealbreaker for us and anyone we come in contact with, then it will magically become exactly that for us. But if we become knowledgeable on the basics about herpes, we realize it's just a skin condition that doesn't define us. Then we can focus on all the great things about us and the great things about life ... and all of those things to be truly grateful for get bigger and bigger. That's what it's all about. Yep, Bobby McFerrin said it best: "Don't worry. Be happy."

Hey Lulu! Yes, you can pass herpes whenever an outbreak or the fluid from an outbreak comes into contact with someone else's mucous membrane or any sort of cut or abrasion on someone else's skin. But if they have any sort of herpes (80% of Americans have cold sores, or oral HSV-1), antibodies help to fight that off. With all this being said, when you touch an outbreak, wash your hands with soap. That kills the virus instantly. And as far as touching yourself then touching someone else when you DON'T have an outbreak, herpes can't be transmitted that way. Viral shedding sheds a minimal amount of actual virus, so it has to be skin-to-skin friction in order to have a chance of passing herpes when no visible signs or symptoms are present.

Hey Katieanne! How long have you had herpes? If it's anywhere in the 6 months to a year phase, your body is still getting used to having this new visitor and it takes a while before the antibodies build and the body calms down. I'm assuming you've told your new partner you have herpes? If you're taking daily suppressive therapy and wearing a condom, the chance of transmission from female to male is only 1% without a visible herpes outbreak. So don't let these feelings take you out of the moment of connecting with your honey. Be safe but not paranoid! :) Here's a link to the post-disclosure handout that shows all these need-to-know facts and such: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

That's up to you on what level of transparency you want to have in service of lessening our societal/cultural stigma. There's a lot of conversation around that on the post linked to above. I believe that this is why all of us doing our own personal work to lessen our own shame around having herpes ultimately lessens the stigma because then whenever we talk about it, we talk about it from a place of okayness and self-acceptance instead of from a place of shame and self-pity. Here's a poster I designed to get that point across. :) http://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/be-contagious-herpes-opportunity.pdf