mr_hopp

Sagg88, I'm glad you've emerged from the lurker shadows. :) I hear the pain you're going through and my heart goes out to you. Sounds confusing as hell with him going back and forth about accusing you, finding himself, then coming back with a smile on his face and acceptance in his heart only to jump right back into hating you. It sounds like such a push and pull emotionally. I imagine that's super tiring for you. I hear that you love him. And I hear that you're also learning to love yourself. Sometimes love means putting up boundaries about how you will and will not be treated by someone else. Self-love is allowing the kind of treatment you deserve and not allowing the other stuff. I'm glad you're venting and taking care of yourself like that. Know that when/if you do decide to date that you will go through your own process of vulnerability and self-acceptance then. But for now, focus on yourself and your needs and what your son needs. Work from you and your son as the foundation. Then you can expand out to include someone else who will treat you right. Much love and a big, big hug for you, Sagg. I'm glad you're here.

Yes, quite true. The heart that is meant to love you will love you for all of you: Your beauty, your laugh, the way you treat people ... and it will love you for all of your imperfections, too. Because all of us have imperfections. They make us wonderfully human. And before we can look to another heart to truly love us, let's take a look inside at our own heart. Do we love ourselves? Because we will only let in the amount of love from others that we have for ourselves. One of my favorite quotes: "You Accept the Love You Think You Deserve." It's all a mirror. Inside and out. :)

Yes! I'm loving your contributions here, dilemmagirl! So beautiful to hear you processing through all of this. Noticing all the ways in which we can hold ourselves back is a huge gift. HUGE. And it reminds me that being a victim doesn't mean that something happened to us. It's not about the thing that happened. It's about how we treat ourselves and how we decide to see the world because of that thing. The victim mentality is powerful. And it is our decision. We don't have control over everything that happens to us, but we do have control over how we learn from those things and move forward in life. Here's a blog article on the victim mentality, by the way: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-and-the-victim-mentality/

This is beautiful, Carlos. YES! Touch yourself! Love yourself! Accept yourself! Play with yourself in all ways possible! If we can't do that for ourselves, then how can we expect someone else to do it for us? :)

Yeah, this is super common. Herpes outbreaks are just like any other sore you might get, much like if you've gotten burned before and a bubble forms. There's that burning/stinging sensation. Keeping the area as dry as possible and giving it as much air as possible is the best remedy for it.

Yes, herpes is spread by skin to skin contact, so anywhere you have a herpes outbreak, whether it's inside your vagina or on the outside ... anywhere that location on your body touches your partner's skin, there is a risk of spreading herpes. In the future, it's super important to have the herpes talk so they can know the risk. You can download the free e-book on how to have the talk here: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP Also, these are really important handouts to get your knowledge on! :) http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

For most people, "Who gave me herpes?" is an almost impossible question to answer if there have been multiple partners in a lifetime and herpes tends to stay dormant for a while before initial outbreaks (and even initial outbreaks tend to be mistaken for cuts while shaving or ingrown hairs). But in your situation, I'd have your boyfriend get a herpes blood test. Preferably the Western Blot test (the most accurate one ahead of the IgG and IgM tests). Usually antibodies take about 3 months to develop to detectable levels on a blood test, so if his tests come back positive, he's most likely had herpes before you. If his tests come back negative, then that most likely means you've had herpes before him. But then there's always that possibility of cheating, but it sounds like you both trust each other and that possibility is thrown out the window. I agree with LuckyCharms ... have him get tested so that you two can get on the same page, not to assign blame or anything, but to just get it straight and see if you need to be more protected with each other or not. If he has herpes, too, and you two are monogamous, then no need to be as protective.

Well, by everything you're telling me, I'd say you don't have herpes (but hey, I'm also not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV)! And yes, I have heard a lot of false negatives in the testing arena. What kind of blood test did you get? IgG or IgM or Western Blot? I've heard that the Western Blot is the most accurate test for finding herpes antibodies. I would talk to your doctor about doing a Western Blot. S/he may need to mail your blood off to the Washington State lab to get that test, but that would definitely be definitive. And I'm glad that either way you know you're content. That felt really good to read. It sounds like you're expanding your perception on everything in life being an opportunity, whether we judge experiences as "good" or "bad" ... they're all just experiences that help us to learn about ourselves and one another.

I'd say that he not only understands, but actually sees you for you, beyond a simple skin condition. Congrats, dilemmagirl! I'm proud of you. (And dare I say "Told you so"?) :)

There are a whole bunch of natural remedies and creams that some say work for them and other say are a bunch of hooey. :) Use what works for you and don't use what doesn't work. I personally haven't seen any benefits to using any sorts of creams. But if you look under the "Natural remedies" heading of this article, there are a whole bunch of ideas that members of our community have given. Feel free to use any of these to see if they work for you! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/

Hi PhoenixGirl! Congratulations on what sounds like the beginnings of a beautiful relationship. It's a breath of fresh air to hear someone not jumping headfirst into the stigma that's floating out there. I feel relief hearing that you see it in the way you do. Because it sounds like who this guy is outshines this little thing called herpes. Beautiful. As far as reducing the risk of herpes transmission, what you mention are great barriers. The final one (and the most important as far as I'm concerned) is open communication. He will get better and better at sensing his prodrome symptoms. When he feels anything that might hint that a herpes outbreak is coming on, then he can let you know so you two can avoid genital sex (but everything else is on the table — see the video below). Here are the handouts with all the facts and figures: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout Here are some related blog articles: http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-prodrome-symptoms http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ And remember, sex is still just as sexy even with the risk of herpes. It's all in how both of you decide to approach sex and intimacy. Because keeping each other safe is super sexy, because of the honesty and openness it creates. Here's a video on that:

I'm glad you're starting to see this diagnosis in a new way. You don't deserve to suffer, especially when most of your suffering is self-induced. :) And yes, all of your emotions are normal ... and human! Notice where all of your judgments are coming from for feeling those feelings that are perfectly expected. All of the primary emotions — sadness, anger, fear and joy — are normal and natural. Everything else is piled on based on how we are interpreting these emotions. Guilt, shame and self-judgment are big ones that show up here. These experiences only show up after we interpret what we're feeling as wrong. These are the experiences we have control over based on what we are believing about ourselves and how we are treating ourselves. As for your specific question about location of outbreaks, I tend to have them in exactly the same spot, but I have heard of others who have outbreaks in different areas. Just try not to touch the active outbreaks as herpes is most spreadable when there is actual visible blisters/sores. For more on spreading herpes, check out this blog article: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

Hi LuckyCharms! Yes, it does get better. The longer you have herpes, the less outbreaks you have (both in severity and how often you have outbreaks). Your body is getting used to having this new virus, it'll take about 6 months until it can get it under control. And I hear that you feel like you can't deal with this and it's circling in your head. Now is the time to take care of yourself and not beat yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong and what's done is done. And if it's meant to be with this guy, he will stick around. If he's in it for just the sex, then maybe he will leave; then what? You'll be okay single or be able to find a man who will want to be with you for you. It's never the end of anything. It's always the beginning of something new, too. The more you allow yourself to sink into this new phase of your life, the more strength you will gather in yourself. It takes courage to come on this forum and be real about what you're going through. That is the first step to truly healing. The next step is to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and accept yourself in that. It's all part of the process. It's okay to be confused and scared. Just don't judge yourself for being confused and scared. Don't beat yourself up for being emotional. It's your relationship to yourself that is being tested right now. And it's up to you how you choose to treat yourself. Even when you are sad and angry, you can treat yourself with the utmost compassion and respect, just like a good friend would. You'll get through this, I promise. And you will be stronger and more in touch with yourself as you continue down this path. It's a beautiful path if you let it be. And we're always here to support you ... Here are a few blog posts that might help: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-and-the-victim-mentality http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words http://herpeslife.com/what-i-wish-i-knew-when-i-was-first-diagnosed-with-herpes http://herpeslife.com/destroy-your-herpes-shame-and-embrace-your-imperfections http://herpeslife.com/herpes-cure-shame-as-breadcrumbs-to-more-wholeness http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages http://herpeslife.com/herpes-and-serenity http://herpeslife.com/no-one-will-love-me-since-i-have-herpes-and-other-fascinating-untruths-we-tell-ourselves

Hi Tragic! Please don't kill yourself. It's just herpes. Just a skin rash. You can't take full responsibility for giving him herpes. You told him and it was just as much his responsibility to be safe as was your responsibility to keep him safe. That's the whole point of having the herpes talk, so that both partners can take responsibility for safety. Now that he got herpes, he's blaming you completely for it? Is he taking any responsibility in this situation?

Heya Clare! You ask about particular handouts/fact sheets? Here you go: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout ... and have you downloaded the e-book yet on disclosing? http://eepurl.com/b4IPP ... A lot of the disclosure talk has to do with how you feel about yourSELF first. Notice the possibility of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. We are powerful. We can influence the outcomes in our life, either consciously or subconsciously. Learn to accept and love yourself. You are okay. You weren't careless if you didn't know. If you had an idea that your last man was cheating, then maybe you could have been more proactive about getting tested. But there is no use in shaming yourself now. What's done is done. And you clearly care and have strong integrity. Shaming yourself only drags yourself down more, creating more of an environment of negativity and angst. Start now with loving yourself and allowing that love to overflow into loving him more and more. Focus on all those good parts of you and your relationship with him. Those are bound to be so bright as to wash out any of the stigma that might crop up around herpes. Remember, what we focus on becomes bigger. And watch the words you use, too. Infected him? To me, that is dripping with negativity and stigma. See how you are carrying this stigma with you? In the disclosure talk, you may "infect" him with the stigma you carry. Notice that. Where do you want to focus? On the potential stigma of herpes or on the strength and beauty of what you already have in relationship with this man? It sounds like what you have so far is beautiful. But it's up to you how you see it. And even though you can't control how he will react or feel about the disclosure, you can love and accept yourself and him throughout. Check out this blog article I wrote on the power of words: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words/

Kaybee & Jassabell - The only reason you would need to have a C-section is if you were having an actual active outbreak as you went into labor. And as the day draws close, you can always go the suppressive medication route to lessen the chances of an outbreak even more.

Yes, Nigella. All that info is on this handout too under "viral shedding": http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Ah, those jokes can cut to the core, huh? Yeah, I've been hurt by jokes like that before. And what I've come to find out is that the jokes say more about the person telling them than they do about those the joke is about. And the reason they sting so much is because a part of us is believing that we have something to be ashamed about. It just mean that a tender part of us that deserves some compassion and acceptance has been poked. I tend to look at those moments as more of a chance to accept myself. We can't change the fact that these jokes happen and that there are cruel people out there, but we can change the way that we receive them.

It's a moot point as far as I'm concerned of which one is more off-putting to a partner. Do you see how even that question is inviting more stigma and negativity into having herpes? It seems that our culture's stigma around sex in general makes "oral herpes" and "genital herpes" seem like they are 2 completely separate viruses, one with no stigma, the other with a lot ... And ultimately what I have come to find in my own experience is it's much more important how I feel about having herpes than how a potential partner feels about it (whether HSV-1 or HSV-2). The more self-accepting I am about having herpes, the more accepting partners I seem to attract. It's a fascinating parallel. I prefer to ask the question "How many qualities do I possess that are attractive and beautiful?" See how that changes the whole conversation? Where are we putting our attention? Where are we putting our energy? That is what will grow. It's kind of ironic since the whole topic of these forums and blog is herpes, but the key is to stop focusing on it in a negative light and shift our attention to WHO WE ARE instead of WHAT WE HAVE. Great native american story: A boy is sitting with the chief of the village. He notices the chief's necklace that shows the head of a black wolf next to the head of a white wolf and asks about it. The chief says the black wolf represents the negative thoughts and qualities that we have inside; the white wolf represents the positive thoughts and qualities. The boy asks, "Which wolf lives?" The chief says, "The one you feed the most."

Yes, as far as I've heard there aren't any negative interactions between Valtrex and Lysine.

I've heard plenty of people swear by Lysine, but interesting thing is that all clinical trials to study its effectiveness with quelling herpes outbreaks have turned up inconclusive. Keep in mind that you don't want to overdo dosage, too. Too much of anything is bad for your health. Also, know that it's an amino acid, not a vitamin. Use at your own risk and make sure you do your research on it! Here's a blog article I wrote on herpes medication and treatment for herpes: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/

Have you downloaded the handouts yet? They have a lot of the kinds of questions that someone like your man would have. (Congrats, by the way! So, so awesome, Jessi!) http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

About the tingling sensations, here's my response to that on your other thread: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1232/help-i-need-a-buddy#Item_4

You're not a weirdo, just seems that you're creating a lot of suffering for yourself. I'm not a doctor, so maybe your itching is something clinical, but from all my knowledge and experience around herpes, herpes doesn't cause that kind of constant itching. It sounds just by how you've described it that it is psychosomatic. Your mind and how much it's worrying might actually be having you feel that much more sensitively. Self-acceptance is sometimes the healing that can occur to make many of the "symptoms" of a herpes diagnosis go away because those self-defeating thoughts go away. I look forward to being able to support you along with the rest of our group for the group coaching calls. http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1235/whos-interested-in-group-coaching/p1