mr_hopp

I would avoid having sex during a herpes outbreak, even when the other person has the same strain (HSV-1, HSV-2) in the same location on the body as you. Because during your outbreak, you are at your most contagious and could spread it to other locations on his body and your own (the liquid contained in herpes sores is SUPER contagious). The chances of spreading herpes to other parts of the body are less since your bodies have been developing antibodies against the herpes virus, but there's still a chance. Better to be safe and wait it out. And it doesn't mean you have to stop being intimate! Some of the most intimate, fun times I've had have been during a herpes outbreak where my partner got to explore every part of my body sensually except for my genitals and I got to return the favor. Ooh la la. :) Have fun with it! Don't let it be a barrier to intimacy. Let it open you up to other realms of intimacy that aren't just sex.

Hey Pacific, I wanted to jump in here — I LOVE how inspired you are and how much healing has happened in your heart already. And notice how the shame still creeps in even in seeming moments of positivity: "It's okay to flirt! I'm not repulsive!" That's certainly better than "It's not okay to flirt because I'm repulsive." BUT our minds don't know the difference between "not repulsive" and "repulsive" ... We're still using the word, still feeling the feeling of repulsiveness. Classic example: DON'T think of a PINK ELEPHANT. You just thought of a pink elephant, didn't you? Well I told you NOT to! As long as we're talking about pink elephants (or repulsiveness) — whether agreeing with it or disagreeing — we still have it on our mind. Try actually switching your focus COMPLETELY from the possibility of being repulsive to the FACT that you're beautiful, lovable, funny, honest, etc.? Why even focus on NOT being repulsive when you can focus on BEING all those amazing things you are? See what I mean? It seems to be the next step for you in your healing process, as far as I can see it. Embrace your awesomeness. Now. ;) Just wanted to jump in and share that since that phrase jumped out at me. :) Much love!

You have learned something very valuable here: This is how you feel when you don't tell a partner that you have herpes. Your integrity is kicking in. I imagine your integrity was trying to kick in before, too, but you were to scared to follow it. And I've been there in my past. When I was deep in my shame about having herpes ... And it taught me my valuable lesson that sticks with me to this day. My integrity is that much stronger because of it. And before you ask for advice from people you don't know, ask yourself first. What does your integrity say about telling him you recently found out you have it? When you imagine telling him that, how do you feel? It's not a decision we can make for you. And since you asked, I suggest you be 100% honest with him, because building a relationship on honesty is a powerful foundation for a relationship. And ironically, the only way to possibly create that trust in this relationship is to vulnerably and authentically share that you had betrayed his trust. He may not forgive you for that. And he may. If he does, the foundation of trust is solid and you get to move on from there learning a valuable lesson about relationship. But of course you already knew that, didn't you? :) Sometimes we ask questions we already know the answers to, hoping that we'll get answers that save us from doing the courageous thing.

Care to elaborate HoG? ;)

1) It would seem that your assumption would be correct, but that's more of a question for the doctor. I don't know enough about that specific question to give you an absolute answer that could hold up in a court of law. ;) 2) You could also have cold sores/fever blisters, but they won't spontaneously show up on your lips unless you touch your genital sores and then touch your lips OR if you kiss someone else who also has oral HSV-1. Currently, your HSV-1 is camping out at your basal ganglia, which is located at the base of your spine (oral HSV-1 camps out near the top of the spine. If you only have HSV-1 genitally, the virus doesn't travel up the spine to get to your lips. The path of least resistance from the base of your spine is to your genitals. Of course, what this question doesn't take into consideration is maybe you already have HSV-1 orally but haven't had a visible outbreak yet. And these days, it'll be damn hard to completely protect yourself from oral HSV-1. 80% of Americans 14-49 have it. One sidenote to what I said in that blog article is that it IS actually pretty easy to spread herpes to your eyes. And ocular herpes is pretty uncomfortable from what I hear. So just use soap and you're all good. But don't be paranoid about it. Just be safe. And check out these handouts for all the pertinent facts & figures: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Notice what happens when any of you read this ... Does it add to the bad feelings of what it means to have herpes? Is this another perfectly good reason to be depressed/angry/sad about having herpes? Notice your reaction. Or is yours the reaction of "Ah, it is what it is. Interesting."? Fascinating to notice this reaction for yourself. When I read it, I chuckled ... You see, I have a bad memory myself, so now I have something to blame it on. ;) But seriously though, this is another perfect example of something that may or may not happen in the future, just like if someone were to reject or accept you sometime in the future. If we spend our time worrying about it, it wastes our time. Who's to say whether or not you will actually get Alzheimer's from herpes or otherwise? And why worry about it if it does? It really is what it is. And that's all it can be.

Interesting: http://screencast.com/t/LSAMEQnW1

The short answer is I wait about a week to have sex after the last remnants of the outbreak leave. But a lot of people say the transmission possibilities are gone after the scans are healed. I just like to play it extra safe for my partner. The longer answer would involve a deeper inquiry around what "intimacy" means to you? I personally wouldn't avoid intimacy just because of a simple herpes outbreak. Intimacy is much, much more than just sexual contact.

Not likely. You sure you only have HSV-2? Did you get a blood test like the IgG or IgM to confirm? I ask because I get herpes outbreaks in both locations (oral & genital — a two-fer!) and I have both HSV-1 and HSV-2. If you only have HSV-2, then there's only a 1% chance that it will be on your lips, too. (In other words, 99% of oral herpes is only caused by HSV-1.) Here's a blog post I wrote for more on that: http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex ... and here's a handout showing the chances of spreading each strain of the virus to the mouth or genitals: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

That's awesome news, especially considering that 80% (YES, 80%!) of women will have gotten HPV by the time they're 50 years old! (And 90% of HPV cases clear on their own with the help of the body's immune system, so if you have HPV now, there's still a great chance that it'll leave your body naturally.) http://www.doctoroz.com/slideshow/hpv-facts-stats-and-your-risk#slide-1

First off, I want to welcome you with all my heart to this community. Welcome, welcome. I'm glad you're here. I'm hear that you're hurting, and I feel sad hearing that. And I understand ... I remember when I first got herpes how I felt, how paranoid I was, feeling like every tingle was a soon-to-be eruption of this scary monster ... I remember all of that, and reading your post brings it back to me. And I can tell you that it all changes. I promise. And it takes you being with your feelings, being with yourself, taking care of yourself, connecting on this forum and people who love and accept you. All of that is part of a very beautiful healing process. And it's not fair that he treated you the way he did. You put your trust in him and he betrayed that trust. Please don't let that close you off to other people in the future who do actually deserve your trust. Allow it to inform you, but don't let it close you. I can feel your heart, and it's a big one. It's worthy of being shared with those who deserve it. One thing that jumped out to me in your share was this: "I am disappointed that I wasted this small amount of time (but feels longer) on this man who by my definition was no man in my eyes." This was not a waste. It is teaching you something, isn't it? Isn't it changing the course of how you will live your life? How you will follow your intuition? Every single life experience — yes, every single one! — has tremendous learning value to us if we allow it to. In what you said, I hear you being disappointed in yourself. And again I feel sad hearing that. Here's your opportunity: To take this as a huge learning about the power of your own intuition AND what happens when you lose yourself in someone or something else. Isn't that super valuable? I think so. And when you can allow that self-disappointment to fade away, in comes self-acceptance. And that's the true healing. Again, welcome. So much love to you, Jess. Big, big hugs.

Ah, glad to hear it, kaybee. Thanks for clarifying for us. Yes, sometimes herpes gets blamed for a lot, doesn't it? Poor herpes. ;) Really it's just an occasional, annoying skin condition with a stigma associated with it. Most of the other things that are associated with it are totally in our head or something else entirely. Welcome back! :)

Welcome to the forums, CL. Glad you're here reaching out. I don't see denial and defensiveness as more of a feminine/masculine trait and more of a human being trait. Defensiveness is protectiveness. It sounds like a part of him knows that he passed herpes to you. Because of this rampant ignorance about cold sores being able to be passed to the genitals (where they magically transform into genital herpes!), this phenomenon of oral-sex-to-genitals is why over 50% of every new genital herpes case is HSV-1 due to oral sex! And it continues to happen since 80% of Americans 14-49 have cold sores (oral HSV-1). http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/ As far as the antibodies go, it takes weeks on average for your body to develop enough of them to be detectable on the IgM or IgG blood test. (I'd have to look deeper to give you exact timeframes, but I seem to remember it's about 6-10 weeks?)

What beautiful support, Pacific. I'm touched by your words for Atlantic. I love our community and how authentic sharing can help so many realize they're not alone and that it's okay to be human. All of us talking about what's up for us, what's true for us, (even in the shitty feelings) gives all of us that much more permission to be ourselves and feel the whole range of feelings. :) And welcome out of the shadows! It's nice in the light, isn't it? ;) I'm glad you chose to come out to support. And I reflect back to you your kind heart in what it took for you to come out from the "lurking" to encourage a fellow community member. Feels good to see these kinds of connection here. Much love!

It was good to talk with you the other day. And I get how it can feel like you've now got this thing that will have life and intimate relationships be less spontaneous and fun. I thought the same thing! And my relationships AFTER herpes have been spontaneous, fun and deeper and a whole lot more than BEFORE I got herpes. Is it because of the herpes? Well, I wouldn't put herpes on a pedestal like that. ;) I believe that herpes was the wakeup call I needed to actually reach deeper into myself and discover what was lovable deeper than my skin. So less spontaneous and fun? Maybe. And maybe not. Who's to say? Know that you are in fact making that up. It's a possibility AND so many other things are possibilities, too. Why are you choosing to focus on this one that has you feeling not so good about your future? :) It could just as easily be spontaneous and fun and a whole lot more that you have no idea about because you aren't there yet. You haven't found that guy yet. You haven't had that experience yet. You haven't gone through what acceptance truly feels like yet. There's a lot that is up in the air and in your imagination about this. Know that this is a process and a journey toward deeper and deeper love. And it's not always easy. But life isn't always easy either. Life is a beautiful mix of pain, beauty, sorrow, love, heartbreak and everything in between. The sooner we embrace that it's ALL of that, the sooner we can sink into what is instead of rejecting it as "not enough" and waiting for it to be "better." There is no such thing. Life is what it is right now. We don't have power over everything that happens in life, but we do have power over how we choose to allow it to impact us. I'm glad you're here. And I'm glad you're reaching out. You're already well on your way down the path of healing. Coming out and simply talking about it is a big step. Congratulations. :)

This is hands-down one of my favorite videos of all time. In fact, when I first watched this video, I had just started getting to the point in my journey with herpes where I was starting to accept and love myself. This video hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way!) and pushed me over the edge into acceptance. It makes so much sense on a deep level. In fact, this is the video that's shown Saturday morning of the Herpes Opportunity weekend. Super powerful and quite a great way to shift perspective and launch the whole crew into a day of beautiful vulnerability! ;) Here's a blog article I wrote about this video a while back if you're interested: http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes By the way, I can't be more EXCITED that the Herpes Opportunity weekend is coming up in 2 weeks! It's overflowing with participants, loving staff and tons o' love! Woohoo! I can't WAIT!

The only way to know for sure is to get that "rash" cultured and tested. It could be a rash, or it could be herpes (either HSV-1 or HSV-2). No doctor should diagnose you definitively on sight alone if you want a definitive answer.

Absolutely misinformed. :) It's so sad, but what you went through seems to be the NORM, not the exception, based on the stories I've heard from many people on this forum worldwide. The medical profession seems to see this as not a big deal (which, ironically, it isn't a big deal medically), so there isn't as much attention paid to the facts as there should be so our medical community could properly inform us. Here are some links talking about the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2. And yes, EITHER strains of herpes can be on your genitals, each with differing levels of transmission rates. It is important you find out which strain of HSV you have. http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/ http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex Handouts: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Yes, of course. I wasn't suggesting that contracting AIDS when you have cancer means you will cure your cancer. ;)

GREAT discussion, K! What if everyone knew? Welcome to my life. ;) Everyone knows I have herpes. And I've never felt more free around something I used to be completely tied up in knots around with shame. And yes, it will happen on your own time, following your own gut and heart. And I can tell you the shadow of the scary monster projected onto the wall of the imagination ends up being a tiny mouse once you turn the light on. ;) "Worst" case scenario: Everyone in the world knows you have herpes. What then? All the people who would judge you and have horrible things to say and who would believe a simple virus should mean all these horrible things about you wouldn't be in your life. The people who see it for what it is, a simple, overly stigmatized virus, will stay by your side. It's a pretty damn good filter if you ask me. And for the record, I haven't had the kind of rejection where someone I knew as a kind hearted person who I want in my life reject me. Maybe I've been super lucky, and maybe that's just how it is. Sometimes we spend so much energy trying to control our life out of fear instead of letting it happen how it will by following what we feel is right and enjoying the ride from a place of curiosity and excitement.

Wow, that is the longest "condensed version" of a story I've heard yet! :) And it's perfectly fine. ;) I'm glad you're sharing yourself here and no longer lurking in the shadows. Welcome to the light of getting it all out there! It's good to see your face here. So many questions! I love that you're wanting to get all knowledgeable about this. It shows respect for yourself and your partner. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And instead of me going through and answering every single question one by one, can I give you a homework assignment that will answer most of them? ;) Watch this video first when Dr. Leone came into our Raleigh support group: http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-genital-herpes-hsv-and-hpv/ Then take a deeeep breath ... You're right: Only time will tell how this will affect your life. Your sex life has changed. Yes. And NOT FOR THE WORSE. It's just different. Remember that. Let that sink in ... And you and your man get to talk about the risk that he's now taking on for getting his HSV-1 on his genitals now since he went down on you and gave it to you. From his lips to your genitals to his genitals is how it can happen. It's also important to note that since he's had HSV-1 since he was a kid, his immune system has probably built up quite the immunity to being able to block the spread of HSV-1 to other parts of his body, but it could still happen, especially if you have sex with him during a genital herpes outbreak. But with his increased immune system AND the fact that passing genital HSV-1 is more difficult to pass to other genitals than HSV-2, his risk is lower. But yes, there is always some sort of a risk, and he needs to know that; you two get to work that out on what level of protection — or not you're both wanting and are comfortable with. And even though there's a risk, don't let that dampen your sexual drive! Get on the same page with your man and then GO FOR IT! And yes, lube helps reduce friction. Lube is your friend. Not just in the "ooh-that-feels-good" department, but also lessening the possible irritation that might bring on another outbreak. As far as your last outbreak ending only 3 days ago, I'd hold off on it. When I'm intimate with someone, I personally like to leave about a 7-day window after the last bit of scab has fallen off. And hey, REMEMBER ... SEX AIN'T ALL ABOUT PENETRATION! Get creative! During your outbreaks or times when you feel something might be about to happen down there (tingling, swollen lymph nodes, any other prodrome symptoms, which you will get to know better as your body tells you) Here's a blog about herpes prodrome symptoms: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-prodrome-symptoms Here's a video about a sex with herpes reframe: (Did you take my advice and take that deeeep breath? Do it again. You're going to be fine, you sexy beast, you.)

Okay, so this is absolutely amazing. Sheds more light on how if something that is incredibly stigmatized is used as a tool for healing (sound familiar?), it can have tremendous benefits for life. Check this out and be BLOWN AWAY. :)

Generally, as far as I have heard, the site of your lymph nodes swelling will give you a hint as to where your body is fighting the virus, so if your lymph nodes swell in the lower part of your body, it's probably due to genital herpes, and if your lymph nodes swell in the upper part of your body, it might mean oral herpes (or any other virus, too, but in terms of herpes, that's probably why they swell in different parts of the body). But hey, I'm no doctor, just a trend I'm noticing through our community sharing.

That's great, Abbyroad! We all learn from the things that are hard for us to do. It's a great reminder that NOT doing something is just as much a decision than DOING something. And putting something off is a decision, too. And our decisions all have impacts on our future. And ultimately, you followed through on your integrity; you were honest. That took courage to actually speak to it instead of continuing to sweep it under the rug, hoping it would go away on its own (I have felt that feeling before!). So good job to follow your gut and speak to it. Sets a great foundation for a trusting, solid relationship. And trust/honesty is an ongoing thing, speaking to things that are hard to speak to in the relationship to come keeps us connected with our partners. Here's to you, abbyroad! Much love and big hugs! Come back and give us updates on how the relationship is progressing! Remember, that even though you're in a relationship, you still get to continue healing your own relationship to yourself and herpes. It's an ongoing, beautiful process that you now have a partner to help you in that ongoing healing process. :) Hug!

Hey Saliha! Just to be sure, next time you get that kind of a rash, I would get it swabbed at your local doctor/clinic just to be sure. Just by the sound of it, your rash doesn't actually sound like herpes. Herpes outbreaks tend to be more or less the same per individual, so if you've had an outbreak with blisters, then the rest of your outbreaks should be similar in look and location (but tend to get less severe/frequent as your body builds up immunity to the virus), as far as I've heard and in my own experience. And no, shedding is asymptomatic, so you won't be able to see anything when the virus sheds. Here's an article on asymptomatic viral shedding: http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/