mr_hopp

Have you read the free ebook I wrote on disclosure yet? http://eepurl.com/b4IPP When the disclosure comes from a place of self-acceptance, then there really is no deep rejection when someone doesn't want to be with you. Why? Because you aren't rejecting yourself. That's where the deep pain comes from. Before you get to the point of more self-acceptance outweighing the self-judgment, someone else's rejection/judgment will trigger the same response in you toward yourself! But after the balance shifts to more acceptance, you start to realize that rejections are really just moving you toward the right experiences and people for you. And it's hard to do it alone, which is why this forum, talking to people who love and accept you, coming to the Herpes Opportunity weekend workshop -- all these things help us to move to that point of self-acceptance.

You ready for the irony of all this Paige? Looking to some future time where you won't break down in tears at any moment will simply push down those feelings that are wanting to be felt. Loving yourself right now, constantly on the verge of crying, allowing yourself to cry when you need to cry while treating yourself with kindness is the healing you are meant to do RIGHT NOW. You won't at some point in the future miraculously figure out how to accept yourself without starting right NOW. It's a practice. Build that muscle. That's what this is all about. If this forum is anything, it's a gym to build your self-acceptance muscle. Because self-acceptance leads to self-love. And self-love leads to loving everything else. It tends to overflow all over the place. ;) (Its why I started this website and weekend workshop, in fact.) I don't want you to look back on this time in your life and be reminded of all that time you spent just waiting for acceptance to happen to you. I want you to be reminded of the time that you began loving yourself now.

Beautiful. If you love yourself first, then someone else's opinion won't sway you from what you already know: you're worth it.

Taking daily suppressive therapy is like taking any other kind of medication: It ain't good on your liver ultimately. But it's a tradeoff. It sounds like it's helping you, so it's a tradeoff you get to decide on. And yes, pretty much after the first year on average, people's outbreaks die down in both severity and frequency. When you tried stopping medicating yourself, how long ago was it? Was it during a very stressful time in your life? Were you eating well and generally healthy? How is your immune system generally? I'd try again if I were you since your body should have a good defense against herpes by now ...

I have heard about this plenty. Quite common as far as the stories I've heard from people. Swollen lymph nodes means your body is fighting off the new virus. For some people I've heard the swelling going down as the body develops antibodies to counteract herpes, while for others, the lymph nodes always swell up at least slightly as the virus wakes up for a new outbreak (which can be a good heads up as a prodrome symptom to assume that an outbreak may be coming on).

Ah, welcome into the light, Lara! :) This is the next stage in your healing: Coming out, showing yourself to our community, letting yourself be known. And that leaning toward secrecy is another layer of shame. Accepting herpes isn't a black-and-white kind of thing: You're not either deep in shame about herpes or completely over it. It comes in stages. Herpes acceptance is a moment-by-moment process. Even when you're in a relationship, the shame will still show up time to time. Being in a relationship doesn't save us from how we feel about ourselves. And those moments are for us to accept ourselves, too. Being open with our partners about herpes and when we feel outbreaks coming on help to keep them safe. Just like being open and honest and authentic when we have the herpes disclosure talk, that same open, honest authentic communication while in the relationship create the deeper connection that is so beautiful in relationship. We still might have that feeling in the back of our head that the axe is about to fall, that we shouldn't remind our partner that we have herpes since they've already accepted us. (Maybe if we remind them, they'll reject us — "Oh, I almost forgot ... You have HERPES???") ;) You find yourself more irritable before an outbreak? Well of course you do! It just means that there's another deeper part of you that still has judgments against herpes and yourself. Any of those places you're noticing, first off GREAT WORK! A lot of people don't notice these things. They just react. The fact that you're even noticing your irritation as its happening allows you to do something about it. It's enhancing your own self-awareness. That's awesome. That's just another layer of shame that you get to accept. As your outbreak is happening, you get to take care of yourself and notice any sort of self-judgments coming up. The point is NOT to never react negatively to herpes ever again. The point is to ACCEPT yourself in every moment, even in the negative, irritating reactions. :) You may have already seen the video, but when I was in relationship with my ex girlfriend (who didn't have herpes), I would tell her I was about to have my "man period" and say it in a playful way instead of a sad trumpet waaaa-waaaaa way. Here's the video on that: Did you read the "lurkers" post I put up a little while ago? I love that you're out with the rest of us! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1040/to-all-you-lurkers-a-love-letter-to-you-/p1

Ah, it feels SO GOOD to have you back, Lelani. You so deserve everything you're telling us that you have. What an amazing man for such an amazing woman. Good match. :) I love everything you said about how herpes can challenge us to be the best version of ourselves we can be. It's so true. If we allow it to be a teacher for us, it will have us grow into who we truly are instead of the false imaginings of our lack. That is what people fall in love with, not the herpes. I love how it has reflected in your own life to such a large degree. When are we doing the Herpes Opportunity New Zealand? ;) Much love to you!

I'm just trying to help you get the correct information. What you do with that information is totally up to you. :) Much love, Done!

Does anything EVER stay the same, HoG? Nope. Things change. And our relationships to other things change. Whether those things are people, situations in our lives, our physical body, our beliefs and feelings ... or herpes. And the more accepting we are, the more we give ourselves compassion and love, that change will most definitely be for the better. Know that. Allow yourself to notice all the times herpes comes into your mind and then allow it to float out of your mind, too. You don't have to dwell on it and worry. Another good quote: "Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum." (Baz Luhrmann, Wear Sunscreen)

I'm so glad you're taking these steps for self-care, Johanna. Those nervous feelings are completely normal, only now they are telling you that you are on the edge of some change in your life. It might actually be excitement misinterpreted as nerves. ;) FYI, I'm also available for one-on-one private coaching if therapy doesn't end up being a good fit for you. You have so many options for healing! Much love to you. I'm proud of you.

And to piggy-back off of what WD said, not only does casual sex fill a temporary hole ... there's no such thing as "casual sex" without any risks! Whether it's a risk to your heart getting hurt or a risk of contracting an STD! We tend to forget that STD-passing goes both ways. You having herpes is making you that much more aware of what's out there and to have less casual sex ... not just to protect other people from herpes, but to protect YOURSELF from everything else that's out there! Having the safer sex talk because you have herpes opens up the door to a conversation that will protect both parties that much more. The people who will outright post "NO DISEASES" aren't really seeing the whole picture. They are cutting the potential out of meeting a whole subset of amazing people. That is a shallower way to go through a dating process — to pre-reject people before you know them as a person seems to me to mean that they are more interested in sex than the person they are having the sex with. Getting an STD and the emotional intelligence that comes with the self-acceptance and growth moves all of us into a more conscious and mature way of being in relationship. And we can still have tons of fun! This doesn't cut us off from having those experiences that we would be having if we didn't have herpes — it just shifts our perspective on our sexuality and how we will be relating to sex.

15-20% of people who get herpes never have an outbreak. And yes, there is always a chance of passing it to the baby. Did you read what I wrote above? The way that most children get oral herpes (cold sores) from their relatives is when their relatives have an actual active outbreak on their lips and then kiss the baby. Herpes is many, many times more contagious when an oozing lesion is present. Viral shedding sheds so little of the virus that there is such a small chance of herpes being spread to the child. But as a precautionary measure since a newborn baby has such delicate skin, be more cautious of that since herpes spreads through mucous membranes and easy access past the skin. And yes, there is still a chance. And it's up for both of you to decide, but don't treat it like your husband is a walking contagion that's definitely going to infect your baby with a kiss, because the chances are smaller than you might think. (And I can imagine your motherly instincts wanting to protect your child, which I totally honor; just wanting to make sure you see this as true to life as it is without blowing anything out of proportion.)

Hey Done, Deeeeep breath. I totally get the frustration and anger at the situation. And I totally get how he could be taking all that personally due to his feelings of guilt. Both of you get to have your individual experiences and come together when you can to support each other or talk about it. For a foundational understanding of all the facts and figures, download these 2 handouts and read them over: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout ... and here's an article on how you get herpes: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ As to your specific questions ... 1. 80% of people have oral HSV-1 (cold sores). It's super common. The only way to avoid getting it is to never kiss anybody. That said, kiss your husband. You will never know when he's actively shedding, but you already have HSV-1 genitally now, so your body is already building up antibodies and immunity to being able to get the virus elsewhere on the body. The likelihood of you getting cold sores from kissing your husband goes less and less as time goes on. 2. The chances of infecting your newborn by gentle kisses, even if you do have latent oral HSV-1, is very small. The way that most children get cold sores is from mis-informed adults kissing them WITH active outbreaks. In order to spread herpes, there has to be some nice friction goin' on (if you know what I mean). And that goes for your husband, too. As long as he is cognizant of when he might be developing a cold sore or not (feeling a tingling on the area on his lips where he normally develops an outbreak), he can kiss the baby with a very slim chance of passing herpes. Be safe, but don't be paranoid. The kisses and love from you to your child are much more powerful than herpes is dangerous. Don't let that hold you back from loving your child. Does this help?

So you're attributing diarrhea to an STD? I'm confused. ;) Hey, maybe you and the family ate some bad meat. Seriously, it doesn't help anything to allow the paranoia to take over. It only exacerbates the perceived problem. Move past thinking about this all the time and move on with what excites you and inspires you about your life!

I'm loving this conversation ... Loving it. The shifts in awareness and acceptance are beautiful. It's not immediately understandable (and quite possibly perceived as quite crazy off the bat) that herpes can actually be an opportunity, but there you go. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I'm glad you're here. :)

The only costs associated with herpes are suppressive medication, so I doubt herpes would up your rates. I pay $30 for a 3 month supply of Acyclovir when I'm in a relationship with a partner without herpes to protect her, but other than that there are no "medical expenses" per se when it comes to having herpes.

Not me! Has it affected you? Do you ask because you're currently shopping for health insurance or what?

Looks like Paige just found her (h) buddy. ;) And to what you said on the (h) buddy thread that you "may not have much advice to offer" you'd be surprised how much more healing a conversation WITHOUT any advice can be. When we focus on simply understanding each other and offering an ear and kind words, when we allow ourselves to be seen and see someone else for who they are, then the advice isn't necessary. We don't have to have the answers for each other, but we can have compassion, understanding and love.

Yes, I agree, Max_G ... holding out hope is okay. But betting on it will just postpone life. ;) I'll be pleasantly surprised if it happens, but I'm living my life fully in the meantime. Have you read this blog article? http://herpeslife.com/the-key-to-being-happy-with-herpes-give-up-hope

Hi Atlantic, I am proud of you for disclosing, whether or not you're "accepted" just the fact that you disclosed from your heart is huge. Courageous. Integrity. And I understand the sadness, too. And breakups are always sad. Bittersweet. I went through a breakup about a month ago. I feel you. And yes, good reminder that relationships are much more than herpes. ;) That's just one piece to a much larger puzzle called the heart. My advice? Take time for yourself. Being single isn't hell! Remember! ;) Being alone doesn't mean you have to feel lonely. Take this time to reconnect to yourself and when you are ready to open to the possibility of a new relationship it will happen without you having to push it. Living your life, doing things you love will bring the right people into your life, friends, lovers, everyone. So live on! And feel all those feelings that you're feeling right now: The sadness, the missing, the humble pride around your successful disclosure ... It's all there and it all deserves to be there. Let yourself feel it all without being consumed by it. The best medicine to heal is to live your life and do the things you love. Everything else falls into place from there.

You can stop worrying, Jassabell! I give you full permision! :) No, herpes is only passable with skin-to-skin contact. Read up on all that here: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

Welcome Paige. I'm glad you're here. I get that whole "running away as a means to tamp down the shameful voices in my head" thing. But that only exacerbates the problem. The voices come back stronger the next time herpes comes into our awareness (the next herpes outbreak, that random not-funny herpes joke on TV, etc.). Denial doesn't go to the root of what's going on; it only puts it off for some future time ... So good on you for actually facing it. It's never easy, but it's worth it. It's worth it for your emotional health, for your relationship to yourself, which then branches out into all other relationships, romantic or otherwise. It takes courage to face it. And that's exactly what this post of yours is doing. Basically saying "Okay, I have herpes. Let the healing begin." It's only when we face it that we allow it to come out, when we allow ourselves to wash out the wound that's been festering for a bit. And to your other question about the blood test, it's never a straight answer on that. The blood test picks up on antibodies, which take a few weeks to build themselves to a detectable level, so who knows how it went down when he has a negative blood test, he may have still had herpes but the antibody levels weren't there yet. At this point, it doesn't really help the healing process to figure that out or make sense of it. I know, that's the tendency that we have, but if there ends up being no definitive answers, then we just spin our wheels and expend valuable energy on worrying instead of living. By all means, do what you need to do to have closure with this person and say what needs to be said, but as far as figuring out how you got it and needing that answer, it's going to be hard to pinpoint, so acceptance and moving forward with your own healing is key. Thank you for sharing yourself here, Paige. I'm glad you're here. I feel your heart, broken as it may be. And I like how I feel when I read what you write. I don't like that you're suffering, but I do like that you're reaching out and opening your heart to us. That's the part that feels good. The courageous vulnerability. Big hugs ... We're here for you. By the way, you may be interested in posting your interest for a (h) buddy and hunting one down to connect with one-on-one. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching. There are so many options for healing available to you. And all it took was you reaching out for you. (h) buddies: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/223/need-someone-to-talk-to-herpes-buddies#Item_144

Have you downloaded the handouts yet? All those kinds of questions are answered thoroughly there. Here are links to those: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout ... and here are related blog articles: http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex/ http://herpeslife.com/rates-of-herpes-transmission/ http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ "If I gave oral would I spread HSV2 to them?" No, you would not spread genital HSV-2 to them if you gave them oral since you don't have HSV-2 on your mouth (only 1% of people who have HSV-2 have it orally, so it's super rare). "I know genital to genital contact has very high chances of spreading" Actually the chances are quite low when you look at the percentages on the handouts: even without condoms and suppressive therapy (when you're not having an outbreak, of course), 10% chance of passing it from men to women, 4% chance of passing it from women to men even without condoms and suppressive therapy. Then you might ask why so many people have herpes? Ignorance. People who have herpes and are in denial and end up having sex unprotected is where I assume the vast majority of new cases come from. That's why knowledge is the best safety measure.

Open communication is all that you can do. That's what relationship is all about anyway. "Hey, just wanted to inform you that I've had something going on down there that I haven't figured out what it is yet and the doctor says it's nothing to worry about. But I wanted to let you know since it doesn't feel quite right. I'm in the process of getting another test." Being open about all you know is the good, mature thing to do. Saying nothing doesn't feel right to you, but saying you have something isn't scientifically/medically proven (at least not yet). Feels like limbo to me. And to communicate that limbo is where it's at as far as I see it.