Anna01

HUGS!!

That is why I think it is soooooooo important to work on yourself. We need to love ourselves unconditionally. Naturally confidence will come. Confidence is key. If you are comfortable with all you bring to the table, someone can't help but to feel the same way. I also feel communication is key. How you tell someone you have herpes is important. If I am making out with a guy and we are about to go to the next level and he is like "Oh yea I have herpes" then continues to try to take off my panties. I would be like "Wait a minute....what??" Now if he talked to me prior to the hot steamy level and was like "I think you are so beautiful, I like your personality and I know we both want to take this to the next level tonight. I just want you to know prior to, that I have herpes. Because I know about this, I take all the precautions to make the risk extremely minimal. The truth is you are safer with me than with someone else who may not know....which is very common. Honesty is important. I respect you, so I want to give you the choice." Something to that effect. If he came to me as a confident and caring person, that would be such a turn on. The truth is sex is a risk and deep down we all know it. So a man who can be up front and honest, a man who cares enough to become vulnerable out of respect for me......mmmmmhhhmmm that is SO sexy :)

Amen sister! Very funny, informative and true. Thank you!

I would say that he is being honest. All you can do is respect his feelings and move on. If he can't handle a skin condition that is ok. It says nothing about you as a person. Fear is a powerful thing. Also, I would think that it may be a connection issue. Maybe you two just weren't meant to be. This frees you up to move on and meet someone who is right. View this as an opportunity. Do you really want to be the most intimate with someone who cannot handle your skin rash? In life, we need someone who will be there for us through thick and thin. Frankly, herpes isn't s*** in the grand scheme of things. Life can get really hard and we deserve to have a support system in our partner. Keep your chin up. You did the right thing by being open and honest. As long as you did right by you and him, you have nothing to feel bad about. Look forward. Maybe he will calm down and come around but don't wait on him ;-) You have a life to live!

I strongly considered disclosing over text. I thought it was a good idea but that was only because I was afraid. I was afraid of not saying the right thing. I was afraid of his reaction. I was trying to reveal something about myself without being vulnerable. I requested advice and thankfully, my Mother stepped in and told me "Hey, you guys communicate so well. Just talk to him and tell him." I am so grateful she gave me that advice because we talked about it. He consoled me a bit (even though I presented myself as strong and confident :) and he shared some stories he had about friends who have it. It was bonding experience for us both. I feel that a text can be a barrier. That is my personal opinion. So @hippyherpy you have disclosed and still gotten some? I thought you said you have been unsuccessful. Did you mean only with girls you meet at bars?

It could be an allergic reaction. I was wondering if he did a blood test because you could have been a previous carrier. It is possible that having sex with this new guy could have provoked an OB. Just a possibility. Not trying to say that is what it is. You could wait 4 months and check at that point if you want to. Better safe than sorry.

Such a beautiful story :) You go girl!!!

Ok so here is my advice on the matter. Relax and try to just let him do his thing. That is a lot to tell someone via text. When you decided to send it through text, you basically set it up for him to take his time to respond. He has to really think about it and that is ok. It just sucks when someone doesn't at least say "I need time to think". Sometimes men aren't as thoughtful in that way. They don't realize the mental aerobics we go through during times like this! Haha so try to relax. Don't let it consume you. Move on and see what happens. If it doesn't work out it is totally ok. I agree with @2legit2quit on the disclose in doses kind of approach. I wouldn't mention your experience with transmitting it right away. Also, in the future, I would consider disclosure over the phone or in person. There is something special about hearing someones voice when they confide in you. You can sense their humanity. A text seems pretty detached. That is just my opinion on it. Stay strong girlie. What is meant to be will be.

OK but did your Doc do any testing? Did he do a blood test??

Hmmmmm....well first let me say welcome. You came to the right place. So may I ask what kind of test did you take? How did you find out you have Herpes? Blood test, swab, "visual diagnosis"?

Hsv1 is extremely common 4/4 of my bosses have it! It is definitely a relief to laugh about. It feels much better than being sensitive or defensive. I hope everyone can get to a place of laughing about it.

@2Legit2Quit Thank you 2Legit :)

@hippyherpy I believe that you are focusing on the wrong thing here. You are so dead set on pointing a finger at the girl who doesn't ask if you have anything. You are basically saying "She is irresponsible....so is it my fault if I am irresponsible too?" The answer is "Yes" you are at fault. Hahaha IT IS NOT ABOUT HER! It is about YOU! Only you can control your actions and your thoughts. Just because someone kills someone doesn't mean it's ok for me to kill someone. Someones else's poor judgement doesn't justify my own. What kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be ashamed of this infection? Do you want to be someone who hides this (because that IS what you would be doing) because you are afraid of rejection? Omitting information is a form of lying....period. I truly believe that if you have the right energy about it, you will have women who are cool with having casual sex with you. No one is hating on your desire to be promiscuous. Do your thing but what is so bad about being open with someone? What is so wrong about giving them a choice? I don't consider it to be *the talk* hahahaha it is a moment of honesty. I wonder what your approach is to disclosure and how you come across when you say it. Your delivery or your energy may be why you haven't been successful just yet.

When I look at 1/223, one thing stands out to me...the number 1. That is 1 person. I would rather give that one person a choice vs keeping this info to myself and they come to me a couple weeks later, crying and sobbing because they are having their first OB. Just saying.

Yea his behavior is a bit strange. He is planning on sending you a picture of his results?

@hippyherpy The reality is that you are putting someone at risk. Risk is risk. No matter how small the percent of transmission is, the risk of giving this to another individual is there. You can make an excuse all you want...the risk is small, I used a condom, she didn't ask so I didn't tell. It isn't about the other person and whether or not they were responsible. It is about you. It is about the type of person you want to be. This isn't a bacteria. It is a virus and it sticks with you for life. So no matter how small it is in your mind, it is still kind of a big deal to a lot of people. So much to the point that we should give people a choice. If a girl doesn't ask you straight out, that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her. You should tell her for her well being and for your own. Conscience is a powerful thing and you need to be careful with it. Don't do things that might weigh on you later. Also like Adrial said integrity is extremely attractive....extremely! My ex made a huge mistake when he didn't disclose to me. He underestimated my depth. If he would've been honest I wouldn't have dumped him over it. In my experience with disclosure I have told a few guys. One I am dating now and two are friends of mine. When I told them, I was extremely confident, I was honest and I held no shame. They both like me more now. They wonder why we never dated and they find me MORE attractive because of how I am handling this. My honesty lets them know they can trust me. Honesty is a beautiful thing. Honesty doesn't require a question. Someone I plan to be intimate with doesn't need to ask me if I have an STI because I will tell them. I will tell them without shame because there is nothing to be ashamed of. I feel THAT is how we can break the stigma.

I hate it because I feel that it is sooooooooooo hard to get my energy and my purpose across through texting. When you read what I am saying, I can imagine that you are reading it in a totally different light than how I am saying it. I know that this can be scary. I know. I was diagnosed the very end of June. So this is pretty new to me too. I am usually good about not getting wrapped up in my emotions. I don't want you to think I do not empathize with your pain because I do. Even though you were somewhat opening up to us, I sensed a detachment. Like you didn't really want to deal with the emotions associated with what was going on. It may be a coping mechanism for you but it can come across as careless or nonchalant. I know how people work and I apologize for not being more patient with you. It takes courage to come forward and share personal things like this. I am glad you have finally expressed real emotion. It is so necessary. You can't hold it in. Crying heals. So you may not like to cry or face these complications head on but it is truly helping you. So kudos for *getting into this* because this is the real side of things. Sometimes we gotta dig deeeeeep. Please continue to seek information and do not feel like you can't talk to me about things because you can. I was frustrated and I shouldn't react like that. I am young but I usually have great control. So I will work on that. (HUGS)

@Nal Wow I could've put money on me already responding to your post! That is so strange. I read this so long ago. I think you are one awesome lady. Your story warms my heart <3 This is a perfect example of how it doesn't matter what your sexual experience is....herpes is not picking and choosing who gets this. It is an equal opportunity thing. We are just he lucky ones :) haha I love seeing your energy in all of this. Remaining positive is key in life. I also felt that because I was never judgmental of people with STDs I didn't beat myself up about it when I got this. I was hurt, I was sad but I was determined to move forward. Your bf sounds like so much fun and I am happy you have eachother. Keep on pushing forward on this new journey! (HUGS) @2Legit2Quit Oh my gosh I LOVE Key and Peele! I have never seen this skit but my goodness it is so true. Miscommunication is an understatement. That skit is sooooo good. Thank you for sharing

@hippyherpy Well I first I want to say "Yay for the advancements in medicine". That is extremely exciting for us and potential partners in the future. The lower the risk of transmission the better right? :) As far as not disclosing, in my personal opinion, I would like to guide you away from that way of thinking. The truth is....like Adrial said...you perpetuate the stigma. Secrecy, betrayal, hiding things like this makes herpes seem worse than we know it is. You have a very open perspective on the matter. Which I do as well. I KNOW it is not a huge health risk for MOST. Unfortunately it is major for some people like @2Legit2Quit. Because there is a possibility of transmission (no matter how small) we have a responsibility to others and ourselves, to give potential partners a choice. You would be quite shocked at how many people are still interested in casual sex with you. I wouldn't say don't disclose because of the minimal risk but DO disclose because of it. Spread the word. Let people know the statistics. You control yourself. All I can do is hope to guide you in the right direction. I for one think it is extremely important to let someone know prior to sex. It shows you hold no shame in this. Why should you? So my vote is to be open. Be honest. Own your condition. You think that not disclosing is beating the stigma but it is not. It continues the cycle of people associating negative feelings with the infection. Also, are you sure you want people to look at you that way? Do you really want to be known as the guy who knew he had herpes, didn't say anything but gave it to a girl? I am on the receiving end of that guy and let me tell you.....I don't care for him very much. I hope this helps. -Anna

Hey ggrib1924 I know this has to be such a confusing time. Let me assure you that it is absolutely possible she got it 30 years ago and it didn't reveal itself until now. Some people never show symptoms. So she hasn't gotten her results back yet? How is she sure it is HSV? What are her symptoms? Don't stress too much until you know her results. A visual diagnosis is not good enough. Doctors do misdiagnose sometimes. However, if it comes back +....trust me it is no biggie. You both have each other. Don't let a rash stop you from expressing your love physically :) Let me say my opinion on whether or not to abstain from sex. I would say at this point, you two have been together for a very long time. It sounds like you don't plan on going anywhere. So abstaining from sex, I feel, is unnecessary. You love this woman and are married to her. When put into perspective, this is simply a rash. It can become painful for some but you are devoted to her. So if she does have HSV I would say continue to live your lives together the way you always have. You have been going strong this long. Why stop that? Also, if she comes back +, you should get tested too. It is quite possible that you too are an asymptomatic carrier. Then you both don't have to overthink precautions. Her being paranoid about transmitting to your grandchild is totally normal. She is not a walking disease. It is impossible to give your grand baby herpes through changing a diaper! This is a phase your wife is going through. The more knowledge she gains the more the worry will pass. It takes a little time. I admire your support through this whole thing and I hope that the results come back negative. We are here for you no matter what though. Stay strong. -Anna

Also, just to really clarify because you got the wrong idea. You put emphasis on the word counselor but that was not my point at all. I was referring to my time and level of emotion. I have no problem counseling or being a friend to anyone. I felt you were being overbearing about people not responding in a timely fashion. So I was reminding you that we are not paid counselors here. We are people who try to help. That's it. Obviously I like to show support, to be a shoulder and someone people can turn to; I am here.

Look....my point was you were complaining about people not responding when people come on here when they can. I also was simply clarifying that I am human and I get emotional. I get on here because I like to be there for people. However, I am not being paid to put my emotions to the side. If I was an employee I would be on here every single day and would not allow my emotions to get involved. This is not a job where I clock in everyday. I am just another person reaching out and sometimes it can be tough. I honestly feel like this back and forth is making zero progress in either of our lives. This is the first somewhat negative interaction I have had on this site and it is not my style. I can tell you are someone who shuts your emotions off. I can sense it. I found it extremely necessary to try to snap you out of it. Hiding from the feelings that comes with this is not going to help you. I feel it only slows down your progression. So face it and stop running. When you have the moments of courage, don't let it go to waste. Sometimes you gotta suck it up and just do it. The outcome is rarely worse than your imagination. H isn't a punishment. It just is what it is. If you have sex, you are at risk, period. This discovery in only pushing you to sort out what is going on with you. So embrace and make the best of it. Good luck

Wait so when did you get oral from the girl with HSV1?

I would agree with what Sil88 said but do you know if she is implying she gave it to him or if she is implying that maybe he gave it to her? I would suggest that you both get tested and like 2Legit said, refrain from sex until you find out. I know it may seem hard to do that but it is necessary. Don't worry your pretty little head. She may be just messing with your head. Keep your head up.

@Bambina3 First off, my response was solely based on me and how I feel. I didn't say "everyone". I said "I" was done with the conversation. A, because I don't have bad outbreaks and B, I had nothing else to say. I responded to your thread. I felt you basically ignored it and started asking questions about things that are not my expertise. If I was very knowledgeable about outbreaks, I would inform you. However, I am not, so I didn't. I am better with the emotional and personal side of this. I admit if your lack of response didn't bother me, I would probably respond stating I don't have much info regarding OBs. A lot of people aren't sure what to say so they never comment. Sometimes we don't get on the site for days at a time. Does that mean that no one cares about your question? No. It means that the people who are likely to respond on a topic haven't gotten to respond yet. So pleeease stop guilt tripping. Like @2Legit2Quit said we talk with people constantly who are in similar situations as yours. They made a huge mistake and they want to make it right. I get a sense that they REALLY want to make it right. You asked did I ever think that maybe you were waiting because you needed to be strong FOR THEM. I didn't think that because you didn't say you wanted to be strong for them. You said "I haven't had the strength yet to tell, I'm in "shock let's avoid all mode". That screams "selfish reasons" to me. Shock lets avoid mode is "ok" when you are in a monogamous relationship with your husband. However, you are sleeping with a man who has a wife. I feel your sense of urgency should be at an all time high. You say you "handled it"...not sure what that means but I am guessing you disclosed? I feel you would tell us more about it if you did. At the end of the day this is your journey. You choose how to live your life. All I can do is hopefully guide you in the right direction. It feels like wasted effort when you respond "Thanks. Personal things aside though......" That seems like "OK anyways...let me change the subject." Which is fine. You don't have to say anything else but neither do I. One thing: This is something I CHOOSE to do. I am not paid to put my emotions and time aside to be a counselor. I love to help those in need. Sometimes I get feelings...what can I say....I am human. You make mistakes right? So do I. Next thing: I AM here for you. I DO support you BUT that doesn't mean I have to respond to everything you say/ask. Especially when it feels like wasted effort on my part. Lastly: Don't let my interaction with you be the defining factor of this site and what it is supposed to be. This IS a place of support and information. No one here can judge you for your choices because we all make them but that doesn't mean we are NEVER going to have feelings about the things we come across. So keep seeking advice. I encourage you to take it in and really think about what people tell you. An outside perspective can be extremely enlightening. I hope you have a smooth journey with this new part of your life. I am still here for you if you need support ok? (HUGS)