The other side of herpes disclosures

[Kanoa]

Has anyone here (either h+ or h-) been on the receiving end of a disclosure? I'd just like to hear some thoughts from the perspective of a person who has been on that side of things. I've never been disclosed to (I was blatantly lied to by my gifter) and there's been lots of discussions here about how to go about disclosing to someone... it's obviously a pretty huge thing to the person disclosing... but I'm curious what are the thought processes of the other person, and the feelings about the timing of a disclosure?

 

[WCSDancer2010]

Great question! I can't wait to see the responses ... it's always good to understand something from the other side :)

[Amillionthings]

Brilliant question @kanoa. I hope we see some responses. It could be encouraging to see it from the other perspective! X

[Boba_Femme]

I'm waiting for the day when someone discloses to me. Wouldn't that be a relief? But seriously, I hope to see some posts. Great topic, Konoa! :)

[sadgirl14]

That is a good refreshing attitude. The thing is you are showing how important it is to be careful with herpes. It is very able to spread. I used to have herpes but no more. It has been six months with no outbreaks and I usually have monthly outbreaks.

 

Herpes left a dark cloud on my life now the sun is starting to shine again.

[WCSDancer2010]

I used to have herpes but no more. It has been six months with no outbreaks and I usually have monthly outbreaks.

 

@sadgirl - honey you STILL have herpes my friend. It doesn't go away..it just hides in the nerve ganglion.... your body has just learned to control it better but it doesn't mean you can't pass it on through asymptomatic shedding. If you went and tested it would come up positive. This is EXACTLY how herpes spreads.... people stop having OB's and think they are now in the clear and Herpes-free. All an outbreak is is shedding on overload... you really, really need to get this...odds are you are STILL shedding at times. So you still do need to disclose and don't try to gloss over it with them by telling them you are now "Herpes-free". You can say you don't have OB's but you can still pass it on unknowingly.

 

 

[perfGentleman]

From what I remember it goes like...

 

- Do I like her enough to take this risk?

- What are the odds of me actually getting infected?

- Is there anything else I can do to avoid getting infected?

- I need to take some time and think about this.

- Am i feeling lucky? lol

 

And that was in the heat of the moment...

 

[Amillionthings]

Hi everyone,

 

So this is a bit different than a disclosure. However very nice to hear and encouraging... they are the thoughts and words of a male friend i know who has been disclosed to about H.....So this is what he said:

 

"Listen, when I was told, it was a tiny bit of a shock, but I was relieved it wasnt something more serious! It really isnt a big deal. It doesnt make any difference in my relationship with my girlfriend.

 

When you meet a guy.....when you get to know a guy he could end up being an idiot or a really nice guy, regardless of H....but any decent guy who has respect for you won't judge you or think any different if you when you tell him....not if he is a genuine respecting guy. He wont care when he respects you, likes you, cares about you. It wont be a big deal.

 

Whether youve slept with lots of people or hardly any, it happens, it really isnt a big deal and it certainly isnt anything you should be thinking about or worrying about all the time. Its not worth all that worry or your time.

 

...its really not something I'll be worrying about if I get it."

 

and finally he said...

 

".it is NOTHING to feel ashamed of! You shouldn't feel ashamed at all! Any person who rejects you for something as small as that is stupid!"

 

"Trust me on this"

 

Very liberating to have an open and honest conversation with a normal guy who understands and who has experienced being at the recieveing end of a disclosure, who accepted the person and whos in a relationship with this person.

 

X

[Sparklepony]

I've never had anyone disclose to me... hence why I now have herpes. If I was still H- I would imagine it would depend on how I felt about the person. If I was in love with them then it wouldn't even phase me. I would of course want to know my risks and what I was in for beforehand but ultimately I think the love I had for the person would outweigh the risk. However, if it was someone I was casually sleeping with and wasn't sure where it was headed then I would probably not be sleeping with them. There is also middle of the road, cautious fun. I think I can kind of see what my feelings would be had my giver disclosed to me. I would have still slept with him, would have just used more caution. I did really care about him, and still do. He's a good dude. Just not good with having important convos.

 

I think how someone feels about their potential partner has the biggest influence on how they feel about the risk. I think how someone who is H+ approaches the disclosure conversation has a huge influence too. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Confidence is extremely important too, as is someone who is well educated. If someone came to me saying "I have herpes, that's all I can tell you about it though" then I would be scared honestly. If someone told me they were H+ then gave me statistics and facts, a little bit about their personal experience, then threw in a "I just want you to know because I care about it" it would make all the difference in the world.

 

 

[Amillionthings]

Yep I agree Sparke;

 

Its how u feel about the person. If i had been disclosed to and given a choice...I wudnt have taken the risk...but I would have respected him so much and thought he was a great guy for doing so.

[ClementineK]

I guess I'll jump in on this, because I have a couple of stories.

 

First, related to the H, my ex (who gave it to me) asked me if I had any STD's. I said no, and he said "Well, I do. It's herpes." I laughed, because I thought he was joking, but he clarified that it was oral. I guess the joke's on both of us because neither of us honestly knew that he could infect me genitally. Even if I'd known the risks, I don't think that would have changed how I felt about him.

 

But more seriously, I dated a guy that had Hepatitis B. I think anyone here would agree that Hep B is much more serious than herpes. And it didn't really bother me, mostly because I had been vaccinated, AND he informed me of the necessary precautions. He was a person that I really cared about, and his honesty was very endearing to me. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

[willow]

I told an ex partner that i was diagnosed with hsv2, and that he should be tested because i didnt kno if he gave it to me or me to him...., he was shocked, but replied with "well its not the end of the world right? You're not on your death bed, neither am i, ill book an apt tomorrow.."

i wasnt seeing him at the time when i found out, and i was nervous to make the call...

it was an unnexpected boost of confidence

 

[adventurelovelife]

I can speak from having watched my roommate react to finding out the guy she had been on a few dates with had herpes (she doesn't know I have herpes-only because, unfortunately, she cannot keep a secret and knows a lot of my exes friends, whom I would rather not have know because he is kind of mean).

 

Anyway, the first day, she cried. She had never been exposed to anything like this before (which, considering how many people she's slept with, is probably not exactly true). We talked a bit about it and I told her what I knew (she probably wondered why I knew so much haha). She decided she would keep seeing him, but hold off sex while she thought it through. Within a few dates more, she had decided it was worth the risk. I know she was scared, but she did her research and decided the risk was low enough that it didn't matter. What's cool was that, at that point, she wasn't remotely sure if it was going to go anywhere, but she still decided that it was a small enough risk that she didn't mind taking it. It was really great for me to watch her go through it, because at first it made me so sad, to see her so sad and torn up about it, but how quickly she decided that it was all going to be fine. They are actually still together now, and it has not been an issue at all. so…this story kind of fits the profile!

 

I know she felt the timing was good. IT had been about 4 dates in-sex was imminent-and he told her while they were in bed together.

[adventurelovelife]

Oh, and also, I have a friend who has HSV 2 and discloses constantly (she's not really into relationships right now). She's kind of my hero, actually. I wish I had her courage (mind you-she doesn't ever seem to get rejected, either! that probably helps with the courage factor). Anyway, she slept with a friend of mine and I know she told him the first night they got together (in the midst of a passionate night) and he was fine with it, and they continued to sleep together and he told me that the way she told him was cool-super casual and made him not worry about it. I think he'd also been with someone in the past as well.

 

I think bottom line is that it SO depends on the person. There is no hard or fast rule, really.

[WCSDancer2010]

@adventurelovelife

 

Those are great stories... I'd love to know what your HSV2 friend is telling the guys... I just hope she is clear with them about asymptomatic shedding... is she on antivirals? I think there is a fine line between responsibly disclosing with honesty and glossing over the actual risks.... just curious to know (if she has told you) what she is telling them.

[adventurelovelife]

she told me that she just gives them stats, and explains that she's never knowingly passed it on etc. she's an extremely blunt and up-front person, so I can't see her really "glossing it over"-she's just not that type. And no, she's not on anti-vitals-she takes very good care of herself though, she's more the naturopathy type. She's had it for about 15 years now. She's had a blend of long, short and one night stand type of relationships over that time, and has told every single one.

 

I just envy her ability to not care whether she gets rejected or not-I find it amazing. She told me once "dude-you'll never know unless you try so why not try?". She also told me that it's imperative to always be honest.

[WCSDancer2010]

I just got another reply to my online profile on POF and thought I'd add it here... I also have a bunch of other replies from guys who have seen my up front disclosure on my thread about my "out of the closet" adventures.....

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet#Item_76

 

Hello, with all that I read. I am glad you are upfront with your condition. I dated someone with HPV and it wasn't a big deal. Why? because she came out and told me day one of us talking. So, I think that is very commendable for you to do.

[Rose2014]

I was recently diagnosed with HSV-1 genitally, and the person who I contracted it from did disclose his condition before the one time we were intimate - at the VERY last minute. After we had both been drinking alcohol, and were in bed together - and my clothes were off. So, very much in the heat of the moment.

 

When he told me, I recoiled in shock - not from disgust with HSV, but because of the fact that he waited until the very last minute, when things were very heated and passionate, and, having had several glasses of wine, I was not thinking very clearly.

 

I became a bit upset, and told him I needed a few minutes to absorb this, and would have liked to have been told before my clothes came off and passion clouded my judgment. I asked him a few questions, he told me emphatically that since he wasn't having an outbreak, it was not possible to transmit the virus - which I now know is completely wrong.

 

I don't know if he deliberately misled me. I find it hard to believe that a young professional who told me he had HSV for 8 years would not have that very basic level of knowledge about the virus.

 

So, it was awkward for a bit. He told me he would answer any questions I had as best he could, and seemed to be forthcoming. He was calm and neutral about it, which was reassuring. But he also got a bit defensive and told me he was "heartbroken" about my reaction and that my reaction made him feel bad. It was a tense situation, and looking back on it now, I feel his disclosure was not handed appropriately at all.

 

We had talked several times about having sex before that night. I think it's totally unfair that he would not have told me when we were telling each other that we wanted to do it. He later told me that he leaves disclosure until he is absolutely certain that sex is going to happen; that way if it doesn't, the other person wouldn't have that information about him. Again, I feel this is a very selfish and immature way to approach it.

 

Anyway, the awkward moment in the bed passed, and, with the belief that with using a condom, and him having no outbreak meaning it couldn't be transmitted (I had no opportunity to get the right information), we had sex.

 

In the days afterward, as I did my own research and learned the virus could very well be transmitted with no outbreak, I started to get very nervous. I went to a sexual health clinic and spoke with a nurse the day after. Given all the facts: a condom was used, there was no outbreak, it was the one time, she said I should be OK.

 

But three weeks to the day of our encounter, I began having symptoms and it was pretty clear that it was an outbreak. At the earliest opportunity, I went and had a visual exam, and was told it was very likely HSV. Shortly after that, my lab test (taken from the swab of my sore) came back positive for HSV-1.

 

For a little while, the person I contracted it from and I continued talking, though we were not planning a relationship. He told me he wanted to be supportive and was apologetic. I told him that while I didn't blame him and take responsibility for my decision to have sex with him knowing he had HSV, that I felt his poorly timed disclosure didn't leave much opportunity to make an informed decision.

 

He then became incredibly defensive and sent me a snappy message accusing me of attacking him. Now, we no longer talk at all, which has been really hurtful.

 

I am trying to come to peace with life with HSV, and I am trying very hard to let go of my anger and resentment toward him, but it's not easy. It also bothers me that this person is likely going to continue to be promiscuous, and continue with his poorly timed and planned disclosures, which will likely result in more women being infected. And there's nothing I can do about it.

[Bubbles214]

I didn't know I had HSV and had sex with someone I've known for years. The same day I got my visual diagnosis, I went to his house to tell him. I told him to sit down and try not to freak out. It was one of the most tense moments of my life. I said "So I just got back from the health dept. and the nurse said I have herpes." He asked me if I thought it was him who gave it to me and I truthfully told him it was either him or another guy. He then told me he hadn't been with anyone since three months before we dated (we started dating in November of 2013 and broke up a few months later. We'd known each other for 4 years before we dated but he's 3 years older than me so he's quite a bit more 'worldly' than me). Our recent physical encounter was just a one night stand kind of deal.

 

He didn't even blink. He said it wasn't a big deal and if he had it, it wasn't a problem to him. Plenty of his college buddies had it and they were just fine. He figured that I probably didn't have it because health departments tend to give out the herpes diagnosis like candy. When I got my mixed test results back (culture +, blood -) I let him know he should still be tested. He told me he appreciated me telling him, but he didn't see a problem with it. "It's just a part of life." He'd said.

 

I'm surprised so many people are open to accepting people with HSV. It makes me feel better.

[JustASkinCondition]

In the second half of my first post on this forum, I posted my initial reaction to my partners disclosure to me. For further detail, she told me after we had been dating for 2x months. I am going to get my blood tested today. Here is the original post:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3176/should-i-deliberately-catch-herpes-hsv-1-orally-encouragement#Item_12

[WCSDancer2010]

@Rose2014

 

So for clarity, did you guys have Oral sex too? The reason I ask is that HSV1 genital actually doesn't pass nearly as easily as HSV2 .....

 

AND - the guy could well have been going on what his Dr told him. Many Doctors (esp Family Drs) tell people that they are ok if they are not having an OB and use a condom. So if the Medical profession can't get it right, what hope do we have of getting the general public to get it right?

 

Yes, he should have told you earlier ... AND, it's "understandable" why he didn't. So many people are soooo taken in by the stigma that they are afraid to tell anyone for fear of them telling everyone else and getting "outed" to all their friends..... It doesn't make it right, but it's common and will continue to be so until we get the public (AND the Dr's) educated.

 

AND... to call a spade a shovel my friend, if you didn't ask him about his STD status beforehand (when it was clear that you two were that physically attracted to each other) then you are in your own way just as responsible for the situation as it happened.

 

People have to get it in their heads that as responsible ADULTS we need to start having these conversations ... and we need to provide an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding so that even if someone chooses to not get involved, it's not because the person feels that the carrier is a "bad" person, it's just a personal choice ... same as if you suddenly found out they had a child, or they smoked, or had a bat-shit crazy stalker ex. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Rose2014]

Hi @WCSDancer2010,

 

No, we didn't have oral sex at all that night. I know HSV-1 doesn't pass as easily, especially from genital to genital, I know it most often is passed through oral sex, and it is unbelievable to realize that it was such a low risk for me, and I still got it. We did have a lot of skin to skin contact before the condom, though, and we were both touching each other and then ourselves.

 

I am astounded - just as he is, too - that I contracted it given the circumstances (no outbreak, with a condom). But there is no question that I got it from him.

 

He is one of only two people I have slept with in the last 10 years - my previous partner was a long-term relationship, which ended more than a year ago and he definitely did not have it. My recent partner was the first person I'd had sex with since that relationship ended.

 

I know it's possible for the virus to lie dormant for years, and manifest itself later, but I am sure that is not the case here. It doesn't seem likely that I would only have my very first outbreak after sleeping with the only person who has ever admitted to having HSV.

I know I got it from him.

 

I also totally understand that I am just as responsible for contracting it, and for not asking in advance about his status. I was very new to dating again, and I took it for granted that if he had something, he would have told me as soon as we talked about having sex.

 

When he waited until the absolute last minute, I felt very vulnerable and scared - but obviously, not scared enough to stop the situation and tell him I needed more time to look into it for myself. So all this is ultimately on me, I know that, but I guess there was some anger at him, too.

 

Now, I feel really badly about the whole thing and that I probably alienated him with my righteous attitude. He tried to be there for me, I guess, and maybe I was trying to shift the blame to him. I'm pretty sure we weren't going to have a relationship, but it would have been great to stay friends. But maybe that's impossible when this kind of thing happens?

 

I'm still shocked, confused and really emotional, but I want to work through it and come to peace with it. I know I have to take personal responsibility, and I do. And I want to learn the best ways to disclose when the time comes so that I can give people the consideration and the opportunity I don't feel I was given.

 

And you're totally right about having to break the stigma so that more people can have more open conversations about this. That is so important.

 

If I would have had more time to learn about HSV, and if he would have told me in a different scenario, when I had my clothes on and hadn't been drinking and in the heat of passion with him, I would have tried to kindly explain that while I found him totally attractive, I was just not in a position to be exposed to any STI (I've been recovering from an anxiety diagnosis, a failed relationship and many other stresses).

 

The biggest factor would have been my sensing that this would not lead to a relationship. I was OK with casual sex assuming that we both didn't have any health issues. I would not have been OK with casual sex with someone with HSV, and if I had found out in a different circumstance, I feel I would have made the right judgment, which would have been not to do it at all.

 

And now, obviously, casual sex is no longer an option for me, which I know many people say is a good thing. It also angers me that he is obviously continuing to pursue people for casual sex, with having HSV, and not even letting them know until the last minute.

 

Choosing not to have a casual intimate encounter with him would never have been about the HSV making him any less attractive - that didn't affect me at all once he told me. He was still in my eyes, the charming, vibrant and sexy guy I wanted to sleep with. But I knew how much I didn't know about HSV, and that scared me. For some reason, I pushed that nagging feeling aside, and decided to take the risk.

 

I had only a couple of minutes to decide, and I was definitely not in the right frame of mind. I also think his use of terms at the time, like "heartbroken," etc., was emotionally manipulative and unfair.

 

BUT all that said, you're right: I could have asked him about his health status at any time, and I did not. I was incredibly naive. But I still think he should have disclosed earlier, and I felt the need to tell him that in hopes he would learn from it and do things differently in the future with other people.

 

He then got totally offended and felt like I was attacking him, when that's not what I wanted to do at all. I thought we could have been there for each other in some way after this happened, but it has all blown up in my face.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Rose

 

It's not impossible to stay friends in this kind of situation ... but if you still want that then you need to own up to him that you should have asked well ahead of time yourself ... As Dr Phil says, someone has to be the "hero" ... the one who puts the integrity back into the mix... AND it still doesn't negate his part. Perhaps you can get him on here so we can help educate him about why his method is ... er... flawed ... ;)

 

And now, obviously, casual sex is no longer an option for me, which I know many people say is a good thing

 

Well, it all depends on WHY you are looking for casual sex as far as whether it's a "good thing" or not. If you are looking for validation/etc, no its not. If you can TRULY separate casual sex from "relationship" sex, well, I'm not one to judge. But for all too many people, the former reason is at the bottom of their affairs. :( That said, we just had a "casual sex" success on here (not the first one either). http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- - so it's all about what is RIGHT for YOU ;)