mr_hopp

Hey there, @Beachgirl16! First off, kudos to you for disclosing to your partner. It takes a lot of courage to have that conversation, and I'm glad to hear he was understanding and appreciative of your honesty. I totally hear you about the waiting game being tough. It's hard not to let our minds wander and worry about all the worst-case scenarios. But as @AlliKat12 mentioned, it's important to remember that not everything we read online is accurate or reliable, and it's easy to get lost in the noise. The internet can be a wild and scary place, especially when it comes to medical information. And medical information that also has a layer of stigma/shame smeared on top? Oof, even worse. If you feel comfortable, you could suggest that your partner check out the handouts that come with the free e-book or other reputable sources for more accurate and trustworthy information about herpes. Or, he could even talk to a healthcare provider who can provide more personalized and accurate information. That way, he can make an informed decision based on facts rather than fear and stigma. But keep in mind that even all healthcare providers are not created equal; I've heard plenty of horror stories of even healthcare providers being shamey/judgy about herpes and/or giving outright false info (e.g., "You don't need to disclose since you can't pass herpes unless you're having an outbreak" being the most popular of the false claims that too many doctors still think is true). *smh* In the meantime, try to focus on taking care of yourself and practicing self-compassion. And worst-case scenario, if it ends up being a "no thank you" ... Rejection can be a tough pill to swallow, especially when it feels like we can't control the situation. But remember, rejection isn't always about us as individuals. It's possible that your partner may be rejecting the idea of herpes, not you personally. Just like how people have different preferences when it comes to dating, such as smoking or having children or bad debt or eating with your mouth open (there's a longer list, I'm sure of it) 😆 they may also have preferences when it comes to the risk of getting herpes. It's important to accept and respect their decision, whatever it may be, without harboring any resentment. I've always chosen to see it as trusting that on some level it just wasn't meant to be. And if your partner does decide that they're not comfortable with the idea of dating someone with herpes, remember that it doesn't mean the end of the world or the end of your dating life. There are plenty of people out there who are open and accepting, and who won't let a common virus get in the way of a meaningful connection. Keep your head up and keep being your awesome self, and the right person will come along when the time is right. Wishing you all the best!

Sorry for the late reply @Meerkat_7! 🙏 And I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed and confused — totally understandable, though! We've certainly all been there in our own personal versions of overwhelmed and confused, so you're in good company. 😉 It's important to note that while testing positive for one STD can affect the accuracy of other test results, the herpes IgG test is generally considered to be pretty reliable. However, false positives can happen, especially when the index value is just slightly above the cutoff point. It's great that you're already taking medicine for the chlamydia and addressing that issue. As for the herpes diagnosis, it's important to confirm the results with a follow-up test to rule out any potential false positives. I know waiting until May 15th (now just a few days away) may have felt like an eternity, but try not to let it consume you. Stress can often exacerbate symptoms and make things feel worse. It's also important to have open and honest communication with your partner. While it's possible to transmit herpes even without visible symptoms, it's still a good idea to discuss the situation and decide together how to proceed with any sexual activity. Remember, herpes is very common and manageable, and it doesn't have to define your life or your relationships. In the meantime, take care of yourself and focus on self-care. Eat nourishing foods, stay hydrated, and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Don't hesitate to reach out for support if you need it. You got this!

Hey there @Confusedanddepressed I totally understand how confusing and overwhelming it can be to deal with herpes. It's like this sneaky little thing that likes to keep us guessing. First things first, it's great that you're being proactive and taking Valacyclovir, even if you didn't have any visible symptoms at the time. That's a smart move. As for your boyfriend, it's hard to say if you've transmitted the virus to him or not. Herpes can be transmitted even when there are no visible symptoms, but the risk is lower. Plus, a runny nose and sneezing could be caused by any number of things, so try not to jump to conclusions just yet. It's also possible that you had internal sores, which can be harder to detect. But regardless, you're doing the right thing by being mindful of the risk of transmission and taking steps to protect your partner. Remember, herpes is just one small part of you're life. It's something you have, not who you are. It doesn't define you, and it certainly doesn't make you any less worthy of love and affection. Keep taking care of yourself, stay positive, and don't hesitate to reach out if you need support.

Hi there @Happygirl17, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds like this diagnosis came as a complete shock, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and scared right now. But I want to assure you that you're not alone and that things will get better. It's good to hear that you've started taking Valtrex and are already noticing some easing of your symptoms. While there's no cure for herpes, medication can help manage symptoms and reduce the frequency and severity of outbreaks. It's also a good sign that you're seeing scabbing, as this means the blisters are healing and the worst may be over. However, it's important to continue taking your medication as prescribed to ensure that the virus is fully suppressed. The first outbreak is usually the absolute worst for most people, so it will only get better from here. It's also important to take care of yourself during this time. Make sure you're getting plenty of rest and staying hydrated. Wear loose-fitting clothes and cotton underwear to allow your skin to breathe. And of course keep abstaining from sexual activity until after all the signs and symptoms have subsided. As for your upcoming vacation, it's hard to say how you'll be feeling by then. Everyone's experience with herpes is different, and it's impossible to predict when you'll be fully healed. But the good news is that herpes is not a death sentence or a reason to cancel your plans. With time, patience, and self-care, you'll be able to manage your symptoms and live a fulfilling life. I hope this helps, and please feel free to reach out if you need any more support or advice. You've got this.

Hi @Tiredmommaj — I get that dealing with HSV can be really tough and it's understandable to feel isolated in the struggle. You're not alone. I commend you for being cautious and taking steps to avoid transmission to your children, but also do your best to not let it verge on paranoia. (I know, hard to do.) There's just so much good that comes from physical closeness with your children. A mama's affection is precious and deeply healing. 🙂 It's great that you reached out to this forum to seek help and support. However, based on the information you provided, it's hard to determine if your children have actually contracted HSV. While it's possible for the virus to be spread even without an active sore, it's also possible that your children are experiencing something unrelated to HSV. I highly suggest taking your children to see a doctor and getting the areas swabbed to determine if it's truly HSV or not. This will provide more information about what you and your children are experiencing, and if what they are experiencing isn't herpes, then you can feel more free to kiss and hold and be close to your children. Please know, as others have said in this thread, that you haven't ruined your children's lives, and they will be okay regardless of the outcome. Stay strong for yourself and your children! You got this. Big hugs to you!

Hi all, sorry for the late reply! Yes, daily suppressive antiviral therapy with valacyclovir (a.k.a. Valtrex) or acyclovir is generally considered safe for long-term use. Both drugs are FDA-approved for the treatment of recurrent genital herpes, and clinical studies have demonstrated their safety and efficacy for daily suppressive therapy. While both drugs can have some side effects (most common: headache, nausea, abdominal pain, and diarrhea; less common: dizziness, fatigue, or a rash), these are usually mild and well-tolerated. In rare cases, long-term use of antiviral medication may lead to kidney damage or failure, but this is extremely uncommon and typically only occurs in people with pre-existing kidney problems. Here are some references you might find helpful: "Evaluation of safety and efficacy of prolonged suppressive therapy of genital herpes with valacyclovir" https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19644189/#:~:text=In control groups the same,HSV infections to sexual partners. The study determined that continuous suppressive therapy of HSV infections with valacyclovir is a safe and effective treatment. "Dosage and safety of long-term suppressive acyclovir therapy for recurrent genital herpes" https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(88)91725-4/fulltext#:~:text=No important side-effects were,patients with recurrent genital herpes. 131 patients with frequently recurring genital herpes were treated for 1 year with reducing doses of oral acyclovir. No important side-effects were seen. It is concluded that long-term suppression with acyclovir is safe and effective for patients with recurrent genital herpes.

@AnnieO Not pathetic at all. Courageous is more the word I'd choose. 🙂 First of all, I just want to say that I'm so sorry to hear about your recent outbreak and how it's been affecting you emotionally. It sounds like you've been through a lot already with your herpes diagnosis and your previous marriage, and now with the added stress of a new relationship and other life changes. It's completely understandable to feel scared and vulnerable when disclosing your herpes status to a new partner, especially if you've had negative reactions in the past. But I want you to know that you are not defined by your herpes, and your worth and value as a person and a partner is not diminished by it. It's important to have open and honest communication with your partner about your herpes, but also to remember that it doesn't have to be the focus of your relationship. Your new man may need some time to process the information, and that's okay. But if he truly cares for you, he will see you for who you are beyond your diagnosis and be willing to work through any challenges together. Remember that you deserve love and happiness, and herpes does not have to limit your future. Don't give up on love and connection, because you are worthy and deserving of both.

@PoppiVera Sorry it’s taken me a bit to get to this! I am so sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. I can only imagine how scary and overwhelming it must feel right now. The good news is that you are not alone. Herpes is much more common than people realize, and many people live full, healthy lives with the virus. It's completely normal to feel sad, depressed, and unmotivated right now. A herpes diagnosis can feel like a heavy burden to bear. But I want you to know that you are still the amazing, strong, and resilient person you were before your diagnosis. You are not defined by this virus, and it does not have to limit your life or your happiness. It's important to give yourself time to process your emotions and come to terms with your diagnosis. Take care of yourself physically and mentally, and don't be afraid to reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist. Remember that your diagnosis does not have to impact your dating or sex life. You are still deserving of love and intimacy, and there are many ways to safely and responsibly have great, connected sex. (In fact, the best sex of my life came *after* my herpes diagnosis — go figure.) It's not only important to have open and honest conversations with potential partners, but can be super connecting and, dare I say, sexy. Lastly, try not to let the stigma and misconceptions surrounding herpes get to you. Herpes is a manageable virus, and with time, education, and support, you can live a happy and fulfilling life. I pinky promise. 🙂

@Matthew-james I am deeply sorry to hear about what you've been through. It takes immense strength and courage to share such a personal experience, and I admire your resilience in dealing with such a traumatic event. No one should ever have to go through what you did, and it's unfortunate that your trust in someone was so egregiously violated. It's heartening to see how you've educated yourself and others about herpes, and how you've been open and honest with potential partners. Herpes is an incredibly common STI, but the pervasive stigma and misinformation surrounding it can make it difficult to talk about. By sharing your story and knowledge, you're helping to dispel these misconceptions and foster a more open and accepting culture. It's understandable that this has affected your dating and sex life, but please know that you are not defined by your diagnosis. It may feel like that (especially thanks to our lovely societal stigma around sex), but truly only you get to determine what this means about how you see your sexuality. It's important to remember that herpes does not define who you are as a person or a sexual being. Consider this reframe: What if your worry about a partner getting herpes is actually your caring about them and wanting them to be as safe as possible? What if you could shift from feeling worried/paranoid into being careful (full of care)? That shifts us from being in our heads (disconnected and fearful) into our hearts, feeling connected with our partner. Yes, there's always a risk, but when your partner decides to take that risk (because you're awesome, duh), then both of you keep an open line of communication about it. It's worth noting that even in the worst-case scenario if your partner gets herpes, your partner's experience of herpes may differ significantly from your own. Your diagnosis was the result of deceitful actions on the part of someone you trusted, and this understandably colors your perspective on the virus. However, if a future partner decides to take the risk with you, they are doing so with full knowledge and agency, and their experience of herpes may be quite different. (And FWIW, I have my own version of this — I got herpes from my then-girlfriend who cheated on me over Christmas break with her ex-boyfriend, then had sex with me during her first outbreak when she returned home. Oof. I hated her for it for years. It took a lot for me to move past that, but I have. In fact, I ran into her a few months ago quite randomly. We talked for a bit, hugged and forgave each other with tears in our eyes. A beautiful moment to come out of such deep pain that both of us experienced so many years ago ...) Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope that by doing so, you help others who may be going through a similar situation. Remember that you are not alone, and that there are people out there who will love and accept you for who you are, herpes and all.

I love it! Enjoy it, @Sarah317. Seems that you might just deserve it. 😉

@medusakitten I hope you're doing better since you originally posted this. Could you share a bit more about your story and how you're feeling so we can have more context on how to best support you? Here's a helpful initial video to watch that gives a good overview of the facts and starts to delve into the "Opportunity" mindset: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKgY2cxEz08 @PoppiVera I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better after what I'm sure was a tough week. It's completely normal to feel depressed and overwhelmed after receiving a diagnosis, and it's great that you're taking some time to process your emotions. It's also wonderful to see that you're finding some positivity in this situation. It's true that having a herpes diagnosis can help to weed out people who are only interested in superficial aspects of a relationship. It's a way to filter out the people who aren't willing to look beyond a skin condition and see the amazing person that you are. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are, and this diagnosis doesn't change that. And you're onto something there. I playfully call it "The Relationship Filter" 😏 ... https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-rejection-as-a-relationship-filter

@apricot I'm so sorry that this happened to you. What your ex-partner did is absolutely unacceptable and wrong. Intentionally transmitting an STI to someone without their knowledge or consent is a serious violation of trust, and it's important to acknowledge that what he did was not your fault. It's completely understandable that you're feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed. It's not easy to process a diagnosis like this, especially when it's the result of someone else's actions. However, it's important to remember that you are not defined by this diagnosis. You are still the same person you were before, and you still deserve love, respect, and compassion. As for your ex-partner, what he did was not only morally reprehensible, but it's also illegal as you and @PoppiVera mentioned. Intentionally transmitting an STI to someone without their knowledge or consent is considered a crime in many places. It's so important to prioritize your own health and wellbeing, and make sure that you're getting the treatment and support you need. Please don't hesitate to reach out to support groups like this one or a therapist who can help you process your feelings and emotions around this experience. You deserve to heal and move forward from this, and it's okay to ask for help along the way. Sending you strength and healing vibes during this difficult time ...

Hey there @G727S I'm sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. It's completely understandable to feel alone and upset in this situation, especially since it's a virus that comes with so much stigma and shame. It's okay to take some time to process your feelings and adjust to this new reality. You mentioned feeling unsure about how to proceed with dating and casual sex. This is a topic that comes up a lot! And it's important to remember that having herpes doesn't mean that your dating or sex life is over. Far from it! You are perfectly worthy of — and capable of — having mind-blowingly fulfilling and satisfying relationships and sex, whether they are casual or long-term. The caveat here, of course, is that it's super important to disclose your diagnosis to potential partners so that they can make an informed decision about their own sexual health. Sure, it can be a tough conversation to have, but there are resources — see the H Opp disclosure e-book, for one: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook — and support available to help make the process easier. Here's a video on that "casual sex" piece that you may find helpful: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/casual-hookups-with-herpes And it's soooo important to remember that you are not alone in this! Many people have herpes, and ultimately, it's just a stigmatized skin condition. A rash that our society pinned some unfair meaning to. And you can choose to call BS on what this rash means to you and your love life. That's where you can take your power back. Take care and be kind to yourself during this time.

@Numbtoit Certainly all good! Rant on! This is the place for it, after all. 😉 Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts with us. It sounds like you're feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed with the process of disclosing your diagnosis to potential partners, and I can understand why. It can be a difficult and anxiety-inducing thing to do, and it's not always easy to know when the "right" time is. It's great that you have been disclosing your status to potential partners, even though it hasn't been successful so far. It shows a lot of courage and integrity on your part, and I hope that you continue to do so. However, I also want to acknowledge that it can be exhausting to have to constantly have these conversations with new people, and it's understandable that you may feel like giving up. One thing to keep in mind is that there is no "right" way or "right" time to disclose. It's a personal decision that you have to make based on your own comfort level and the situation at hand. Some people choose to disclose early on, while others wait until they have established a deeper connection with someone. There is no right or wrong answer, and you have to do what feels right for you. That being said, it's important to remember that disclosing your diagnosis is not only about protecting your partner, but also about taking care of yourself. It's a way to ensure that you're entering into sexual relationships with honesty and transparency, and it can help to alleviate some of the anxiety and guilt that can come with what might feel like "keeping a secret." (A great barometer that has always worked super well for me: Ask yourself the question, "Do I trust this person with my vulnerability?" The answer to that one question tells you so much.) Here's a whole slew of H Opp resources to check out on this topic: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/when-do-i-have-the-herpes-talk https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/when-to-have-the-herpes-talk https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/how-to-be-fully-present-for-the-herpes-talk https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-talk-to-script-or-not-to-script https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/vulnerability-as-strength-in-herpes-disclosure https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/the-herpes-talk-and-your-perspective https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-rejection-as-a-relationship-filter The free e-book on disclosure: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook And please remember that you are not defined by your diagnosis. You are a whole, complex, and wonderful person who deserves love and acceptance. It may take time to find someone who is willing to accept you for who you are, but please don't give up hope. You deserve to have fulfilling relationships and a happy, healthy sex life. Thank you again for sharing your experience, and I wish you all the best on your journey.

Hey there @thefartheststar Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts and feelings with us. THAT is healthy. To process it out. Get it all out. (But don't ruminate on it! Don't believe it as a Truth that you're sentenced to in the jail cell of despair!) Reading your post, my past self can so relate — I certainly thought and felt so many of the same things, especially toward the beginning of my shame resiliency journey. It's so easy to feel worthless, dirty, and unlovable when you receive a diagnosis like this (gee, thanks sex-negative Society! Thanks Stigma!), and it can be frustrating to hear others talk about how they just "decided to be fine with it" when it feels like such a monumental shift in your life. I get it. I hear you, it can definitely feel like there's a switch that just needs to be flipped, but it's not always that simple. I think it's more about making a decision to see this as an opportunity to grow and learn, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. It takes time and effort to change your perspective, and it's okay to fumblefuck your way through and make mistakes along the way (I sure did!). It's a process, and it's worth it to put in the work to find self-acceptance, and even love yourself despite this diagnosis. So don't be too hard on yourself, and give yourself the time and space to work through this. I know it can feel like everyone else's outbreaks are just a little bump or nothing at all, but that's not the case for everyone. I've had my fair share of painful outbreaks that made me feel like I was never going to be comfortable again. But the good news is that there are things you can do to manage your outbreaks and make them less frequent and less painful. It may take some trial and error to find what works for you, but don't give up. And while it's true that stress can be a trigger, it's not the only one, and it's not something you have to just accept. Finding healthy ways to manage stress, like exercise, meditation, or talking to a therapist, can make a big difference in how often you have outbreaks and how severe they are. As for disclosing to a new partner, it's understandable to feel nervous and unsure. But remember that you are not defined by this diagnosis, and it doesn't make you any less lovable or worthy of a happy, healthy relationship. And disclosing doesn't have to be a big scary thing - it can be as simple as saying "I have herpes, here are the facts about it, and here's what I do to manage it." (There are a ton of videos and articles on the herpes talk on the website.) The right person will see past the stigma and love you for who you are. I know it can feel like you're floating untethered in the darkness right now (an apt metaphor that certainly describes my initial experience, too), but you're not alone. There are so many people out there who have been where you are, who have felt the same things, and who have found their way to self-acceptance and deep, meaningful love. It may seem impossible right now, but it's not. You are worthy of love, of acceptance, and of a happy life, and you will get there. It may take time, but please don't give up hope. (You might roll your eyes at this one, but I'm convinced I wouldn't have actually connected on such a deep level to the woman who is now my wife and the mother to our 6-year-old child — if it weren't for the experience of growth that I went through with herpes; to clarify, this isn't me saying "Herpes is GREAT! I love herpes!" No. I'm not some crazy guy putting herpes on a pedestal. It's the vulnerability and strength of being authentic and real to our partners that is quite a profound catalyst for deep love and true intimacy.) And please remember that you don't have to go through this alone. There are support groups, therapists, and online communities like this one where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through. We're here for you.

I'm with @AnnieO — truly terrible advice! How often do you have outbreaks? Because if you have outbreaks at all, you should be able to have access to medication. You also should have access to meds even if you don't have regular outbreaks and want to take meds to cut down on asymptomatic viral shedding to keep partners safer. The reason some doctors (incorrectly) give that advice is because genital HSV-1 rarely gets passed genital-to-genital (Terri Warren says she hasn't seen a case of genital-to-genital transmission of HSV-1), but it's still possible. So the majority of genital HSV-1 cases occur from oral sex. (In fact, over 50% of all new genital herpes cases are HSV-1 from oral sex because so many people don't understand that going down on their partner when they have an active cold sore can pass it to their partner.) Genital HSV-2 is of course a different story; it is transmissible genital-to-genital. So disclosing this situation (as well as sharing how rare it is to pass it) is always the way to go. Disclosing is all about building trust and having a relationship that is based on openness and vulnerability, after all.

Overall it's a good idea to abstain from penetrative sex when one partner is having an outbreak, but your partner having an outbreak shouldn't have an impact on whether you have one or not. Could you share a bit more details about what happened that has you concerned?

Hi @protacotaster, Firstly, have you gotten it swabbed to make sure it's herpes? Even though you know you have HSV2, what is on the tip of your tongue might not be an actual outbreak. A lot of people might think that any abrasion in the mouth or tongue is due to herpes, but it could be from any number of things. Best to get it swabbed when it does happen to be sure. To the wider question of whether an oral herpes outbreak signals an upcoming genital herpes outbreak, everyone's body is different, but oral herpes outbreaks and genital herpes outbreaks don't necessarily happen at the same time. They can, but one doesn't necessarily cause the other. Think of them as two different systems at play: Oral herpes lies dormant in the top of the spine while genital herpes lies dormant at the bottom of the spine. I get both genital and oral herpes outbreaks, but rarely do they both coincide. Hope that helps!

Hi @flamingofrenzy! (Great screen name by the way) If both partners have the same strain of HSV they will have just as many antibodies as if they weren’t with someone with HSV. You can’t get “more” herpes from your partner. You don’t double up on antibodies and the HSV doesn’t get any worse if you both have it. It’s not additive in that way; you either have it or you don’t. There’s not a spectrum of how much HSV you have. Now, HSV can affect different bodies differently, but it won’t affect you differently if your partner also has it or not.

This is awesome. Thank you for sharing your story. What a great example of what the true opportunity here is.

If your outbreaks tend to occur on your penis, then there won’t be viral shedding from your thighs. The shedding is centralized near the spot of outbreaks. You don’t have anything to worry about based on the scenario you described. To ease your mind further, even if you were cuddling with no underwear, the chances of passing herpes without an active outbreak and no skin-to-skin friction (think the kind of friction that happens during sex) is unlikely.

Hi! Only 1-2% of all oral herpes cases are HSV-2, which gives you an idea how rare it is.

I'm so sorry you're going through it! For specific medical-related questions like this, I highly recommend Terri Warren's Q&A board. For $25 you can get your question answered by Terri. Highly knowledgeable! https://westoverheights.com/forum/herpes/herpes-questions/

There's certainly a balance to strike when it comes to thinking about a herpes cure. Sure, get excited that one might come. But don't put your life on hold until one does. When I first got herpes 15 years ago or so, a cure was 5-10 years away then, too. If I would have paused my life in anticipation of a cure, I wouldn't be married with a 5-year-old now. I would still be waiting ... Instead, live your life now as if there won't be a cure, but be pleasantly surprised if/when one comes! Then a herpes cure will be icing on top of the amazing life you've built. Here's an early video I made on this topic waaay back in the stone ages of 2010: https://youtu.be/YXuChRaVobM

Yes, I did. Certainly didn’t match the kind of supportive vibe we’re going for here at H Opp. 😉