mr_hopp

Hey there @thefartheststar Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts and feelings with us. THAT is healthy. To process it out. Get it all out. (But don't ruminate on it! Don't believe it as a Truth that you're sentenced to in the jail cell of despair!) Reading your post, my past self can so relate — I certainly thought and felt so many of the same things, especially toward the beginning of my shame resiliency journey. It's so easy to feel worthless, dirty, and unlovable when you receive a diagnosis like this (gee, thanks sex-negative Society! Thanks Stigma!), and it can be frustrating to hear others talk about how they just "decided to be fine with it" when it feels like such a monumental shift in your life. I get it. I hear you, it can definitely feel like there's a switch that just needs to be flipped, but it's not always that simple. I think it's more about making a decision to see this as an opportunity to grow and learn, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. It takes time and effort to change your perspective, and it's okay to fumblefuck your way through and make mistakes along the way (I sure did!). It's a process, and it's worth it to put in the work to find self-acceptance, and even love yourself despite this diagnosis. So don't be too hard on yourself, and give yourself the time and space to work through this. I know it can feel like everyone else's outbreaks are just a little bump or nothing at all, but that's not the case for everyone. I've had my fair share of painful outbreaks that made me feel like I was never going to be comfortable again. But the good news is that there are things you can do to manage your outbreaks and make them less frequent and less painful. It may take some trial and error to find what works for you, but don't give up. And while it's true that stress can be a trigger, it's not the only one, and it's not something you have to just accept. Finding healthy ways to manage stress, like exercise, meditation, or talking to a therapist, can make a big difference in how often you have outbreaks and how severe they are. As for disclosing to a new partner, it's understandable to feel nervous and unsure. But remember that you are not defined by this diagnosis, and it doesn't make you any less lovable or worthy of a happy, healthy relationship. And disclosing doesn't have to be a big scary thing - it can be as simple as saying "I have herpes, here are the facts about it, and here's what I do to manage it." (There are a ton of videos and articles on the herpes talk on the website.) The right person will see past the stigma and love you for who you are. I know it can feel like you're floating untethered in the darkness right now (an apt metaphor that certainly describes my initial experience, too), but you're not alone. There are so many people out there who have been where you are, who have felt the same things, and who have found their way to self-acceptance and deep, meaningful love. It may seem impossible right now, but it's not. You are worthy of love, of acceptance, and of a happy life, and you will get there. It may take time, but please don't give up hope. (You might roll your eyes at this one, but I'm convinced I wouldn't have actually connected on such a deep level to the woman who is now my wife and the mother to our 6-year-old child — if it weren't for the experience of growth that I went through with herpes; to clarify, this isn't me saying "Herpes is GREAT! I love herpes!" No. I'm not some crazy guy putting herpes on a pedestal. It's the vulnerability and strength of being authentic and real to our partners that is quite a profound catalyst for deep love and true intimacy.) And please remember that you don't have to go through this alone. There are support groups, therapists, and online communities like this one where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through. We're here for you.

I'm with @AnnieO — truly terrible advice! How often do you have outbreaks? Because if you have outbreaks at all, you should be able to have access to medication. You also should have access to meds even if you don't have regular outbreaks and want to take meds to cut down on asymptomatic viral shedding to keep partners safer. The reason some doctors (incorrectly) give that advice is because genital HSV-1 rarely gets passed genital-to-genital (Terri Warren says she hasn't seen a case of genital-to-genital transmission of HSV-1), but it's still possible. So the majority of genital HSV-1 cases occur from oral sex. (In fact, over 50% of all new genital herpes cases are HSV-1 from oral sex because so many people don't understand that going down on their partner when they have an active cold sore can pass it to their partner.) Genital HSV-2 is of course a different story; it is transmissible genital-to-genital. So disclosing this situation (as well as sharing how rare it is to pass it) is always the way to go. Disclosing is all about building trust and having a relationship that is based on openness and vulnerability, after all.

Overall it's a good idea to abstain from penetrative sex when one partner is having an outbreak, but your partner having an outbreak shouldn't have an impact on whether you have one or not. Could you share a bit more details about what happened that has you concerned?

Hi @protacotaster, Firstly, have you gotten it swabbed to make sure it's herpes? Even though you know you have HSV2, what is on the tip of your tongue might not be an actual outbreak. A lot of people might think that any abrasion in the mouth or tongue is due to herpes, but it could be from any number of things. Best to get it swabbed when it does happen to be sure. To the wider question of whether an oral herpes outbreak signals an upcoming genital herpes outbreak, everyone's body is different, but oral herpes outbreaks and genital herpes outbreaks don't necessarily happen at the same time. They can, but one doesn't necessarily cause the other. Think of them as two different systems at play: Oral herpes lies dormant in the top of the spine while genital herpes lies dormant at the bottom of the spine. I get both genital and oral herpes outbreaks, but rarely do they both coincide. Hope that helps!

Hi @flamingofrenzy! (Great screen name by the way) If both partners have the same strain of HSV they will have just as many antibodies as if they weren’t with someone with HSV. You can’t get “more” herpes from your partner. You don’t double up on antibodies and the HSV doesn’t get any worse if you both have it. It’s not additive in that way; you either have it or you don’t. There’s not a spectrum of how much HSV you have. Now, HSV can affect different bodies differently, but it won’t affect you differently if your partner also has it or not.

This is awesome. Thank you for sharing your story. What a great example of what the true opportunity here is.

If your outbreaks tend to occur on your penis, then there won’t be viral shedding from your thighs. The shedding is centralized near the spot of outbreaks. You don’t have anything to worry about based on the scenario you described. To ease your mind further, even if you were cuddling with no underwear, the chances of passing herpes without an active outbreak and no skin-to-skin friction (think the kind of friction that happens during sex) is unlikely.

Hi! Only 1-2% of all oral herpes cases are HSV-2, which gives you an idea how rare it is.

I'm so sorry you're going through it! For specific medical-related questions like this, I highly recommend Terri Warren's Q&A board. For $25 you can get your question answered by Terri. Highly knowledgeable! https://westoverheights.com/forum/herpes/herpes-questions/

There's certainly a balance to strike when it comes to thinking about a herpes cure. Sure, get excited that one might come. But don't put your life on hold until one does. When I first got herpes 15 years ago or so, a cure was 5-10 years away then, too. If I would have paused my life in anticipation of a cure, I wouldn't be married with a 5-year-old now. I would still be waiting ... Instead, live your life now as if there won't be a cure, but be pleasantly surprised if/when one comes! Then a herpes cure will be icing on top of the amazing life you've built. Here's an early video I made on this topic waaay back in the stone ages of 2010: https://youtu.be/YXuChRaVobM

Yes, I did. Certainly didn’t match the kind of supportive vibe we’re going for here at H Opp. 😉

Hi you two! The short answer to the “when to disclose” question is when you trust this person with your vulnerability. Here are some videos from the “inside coaching” series that might help: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/when-do-i-have-the-herpes-talk https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-talk-to-script-or-not-to-script https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/the-herpes-talk-success https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/how-to-be-fully-present-for-the-herpes-talk https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-and-enacting-your-values

This is actually not true. Herpes is passed via skin-to-skin contact. The only way it *might* be passed through bodily fluids is if you are having an active outbreak and the sore breaks open and the fluid within the sore mixes with bodily fluids, but in this case of course the open sore itself would be what would be most infectious and likely to transmit to a partner. I agree. Only 1-2% of all oral herpes cases are HSV-2, meaning 98-99% of oral herpes is HSV-1 (aka “cold sores”). And most people are carriers of HSV-1 already, so most likely anyone you're kissing has it, too. This doesn't mean to not talk about it, but that you're in the minority if you don't have HSV-1. Here's an article that might help: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/disclosing-cold-sores-oral-herpes-hsv-1-to-potential-partners-before-kissing

Here's something interesting to ponder: It's actually around 3x more likely that someone will get oral HSV-1 via kissing than from going down on a partner with genital HSV-1 (assuming no active outbreak, of course). HSV-1 is the same virus that causes 98% of all cold sores (oral herpes), which the majority of the world has. So most people who kiss are taking this risk of passing oral HSV-1. Oral HSV-1 sheds 9-18% of the time. Genital HSV-1 sheds 3-5% of the time. (Download the e-book + handouts for more helpful stats.) So this puts your question into a more realistic perspective since most people kiss without really thinking of the repercussions of passing cold sores to one another ... but all of the sudden it feels way more "risky" to go down on a partner with genital HSV-1. It's an odd puritanical double-standard that our culture is carrying (amongst many, to be sure). P.S. Don't get this confused with the other way around, by the way. Over half of all new genital herpes cases are from people who have cold sores going down on their partner, apparently unaware that oral HSV-1 can be transmitted to the genitals and – poof – magically transform into a stigmatized STI (even though it's the same virus, just in a different location).

@RingofFire No, never tried it. The only difference between valacyclovir (brand name Valtrex) and Acyclovir is that it is more expensive and you only need to take it once daily (twice daily for Acyclovir).

Hi @GeorgiaSimp! I’ve been taking Acyclovir twice a day for over a decade now. I’ve experienced no side effects. And it’s done a great job of keeping outbreaks suppressed (and yes, over time our immune system also gets better and better at suppressing it naturally). In fact, I just recently decided to try going off of it to see what would happen. (I hadn’t had any outbreaks for over a year, so I figured I’d see if I could get away with not taking daily meds.) Within a week, I had my first outbreak in over a year! Could have been coincidence, but I figure it’s a good sign that it’s doing it’s job.

Oh, what @Flowerteacher55 said is right on. Genital HSV-2 to oral via oral sex is rare. It does happen, but it's rare. Only 1-2% of all oral herpes cases are caused by HSV-2.

What specifically is your question about HSV-2?

These statistics are for genital-to-genital transmission. And here's where it gets interesting: Let's say we're talking about genital HSV1-to-oral transmission ... then since genital HSV-1 only sheds 3-5% of the time and oral HSV-1 sheds 9-18% of the time (see the free handouts for the stats breakdown), there is actually more risk of passing HSV-1 orally from kissing someone with a history of oral HSV-1 outbreaks than going down on someone who has a history of genital HSV-1 outbreaks.

Hi @Stars-and-Stripes and welcome to H Opp, Taking daily suppressive therapy with medications such as Acyclovir (twice daily) or Valtrex (once daily) lessens your asymptomatic viral shedding (and hence subsequent outbreaks by around 50%, so you would be more prone to getting outbreaks. But how many outbreaks and the severity will depend a lot on your immune system and how well you take care of yourself (stress levels, what you eat, exercise, etc.) The length of time you've had herpes also has an effect since your immune system can handle the virus better than within the first year of getting herpes. There are a whole host of factors that contribute to herpes outbreaks (both the frequency and severity). When were you last off of medication and how often/severe were your outbreaks? Here's an article talking about the only 2 reasons you might take medication: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-medication

Hey! It’s because you were already in the system that you didn’t get another email with the link to the ebook & handouts. Apparently you had already signed up for them before.

I remember when you first joined these forums many years ago (with a very different screen name that we gently coaxed you to update). 😃 I'm super inspired by you and your dedication to your growth. You've come so far. Thank you for sharing this! And I'm glad that you're here.

Hi @DeMar, I removed the link because posting about cures goes against our community guidelines here: https://forums.herpesopportunity.com/topic/732-please-read-herpes-opportunity-community-guidelines/ I totally get how it might seem odd to not allow cure links on a herpes website, but that's a slippery slope and a can of worms: If we allow one cure link, then we would need to allow all cure links, and policing that would be utter mayhem with the mountains of cure promises out there (which has been pervasive ever since the very beginning of H Opp over a decade ago). H Opp's focus hasn't been on finding a cure; our focus has always been on living your best life now (just in case a cure never comes to pass).

There's certainly a balance to strike when it comes to thinking about a herpes cure. Sure, get excited that one might come. But don't put your life on hold until one does. When I first got herpes 15 years ago or so, a cure was 5-10 years away then, too. If I would have paused my life in anticipation of a cure, I wouldn't be married with a 4-year-old now. I would still be waiting ... Instead, live your life now as if there won't be a cure, but be pleasantly surprised if/when one does! Then a herpes cure will be icing on top of the amazing life you've built. Here's an early video I made on this topic waaay back in the stone ages of 2010:

Hi @rabidpanda, Disclosure is such a rich topic! Here's a slew of resources to swart with that might also be helpful: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-talk-to-script-or-not-to-script https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-and-enacting-your-values https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/the-pre-disclosure-before-the-talk https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/when-to-have-the-herpes-talk https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/a-simple-reframe-to-switch-your-fear-of-disclosing https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/vulnerability-as-strength-in-herpes-disclosure https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/building-a-context-for-herpes-disclosure https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/herpes-disclosure-as-foreplay https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/making-herpes-disclosure-sexy