fitgirl

I have to say..... I have always believed this: cheating does not make you a bad person. People cheat for different reasons. BUT.... I also believe that if a person cheats (regardless of the reason, THEY CHOOSE TO DO SO) I have never believed (whether I am the cheater or cheated upon) that I was somehow to blame for why someone cheated on me. Nor do I place blame on a person I have cheated on. I am a FIRM believer in taking responsibility for my actions. I would never blame a man for not giving me what I needed to justify cheating. If I was unhappy, I should leave him then get my groove on. I have been in all of these scenarios to some degree.... the one who cheated, the one who was cheated on. I have always taken the position that if a man cheated on me, it was his choice to do so and I wasn't going to change or control that. And if I was the one to cheat (which I have in my youth) I didn't blame the man.... I took full responsibility for the choice and consequences. I don't believe in blame. Herpes or not, we all have to own our choices in life. I don't blame anyone for my destiny, I own my choices and their outcome.

@Spouse3 First of all.... the big issue here isn't herpes, its the lack of trust and honesty in your marriage. If she doesn't want to come clean about her actions, there isn't much you can do other than go with your gut! If you did get herpes from her you will be OK! I would get yourself tested (knowing that it may take up to 4 months for it to show on a blood test). I would discourage you from confronting the alleged "other man". He doesn't sound like he would come clean about sleeping with your wife is he was and he certainly wouldn't come clean about having herpes! (he may also not know he has it). You need to have a conversation with your wife and decide between the two of you whether you want to continue to be married. Without trust and communication, your relationship won't survive. Herpes may have been the BIG red flag you needed.... read the signs and take care of YOU. If you do end up getting a positive result on herpes, you have this site and forum to help you through the process :)

@Heygirla it doesn't sound like herpes to me... Might be a UTI or bacterial infection. A yeast infection can come and go, it sounds like yeast is at least part of the problem. Get on a high dose of probiotics and see if that helps. If you haven't been tested for the UTI, do that also.

@DrNoLove Your feelings are natural and normal. Life feels unfair when we are the ones who had to get herpes and have to bear that "burden" for the rest of our lives. The thing is..... it doesn't have to be a burden and you don't have to be miserable, that part is YOUR choice. So even though you didn't have the choice to not get herpes (btw, you can still get it with condom use) it IS your choice how you deal with it from here on. It's very common for people not to know they have herpes and pass it on so you are not alone in that. Your feelings about your ex have as much to do with herpes as they have to do with regular dating woes.... and if he is moving on with herpes why can't you? There is no value in hanging on to the hurt and anger, it will only hold you back from living a full and happy life. It doesn't matter how or why you got herpes, you have it. And yes, it gets easier and life does go on. In the big picture, if herpes is the worst thing to happen to you, consider yourself one of the lucky ones! Let go of the bad feelings and you will free yourself, after 15 plus years with herpes, I can tell you it's more of a blessing than a curse. Love yourself and accept that this is something you cannot change. Move forward and open yourself to love, there is risk in relationships anyway, it's all part of living a full life.

@veryblessed Welcome mom! You have already done everything right and coming here and posting looking for REAL information and support is fantastic! The more you read on this site both for information and support you will see that this is one of the best resources for all your questions. Our forum "mom" @WCSDancer2010 will chime in and give you a plethora of links and information to narrow it down for you (right dancer? :) The swab is typically a reliable test as long as it's done properly so the result would be accurate (may take up to 2 weeks for results). As for the simultaneous outbreak, that is quite interesting but we can carry the virus and not know it then one day it appears! I can speak to the emotional realities and the stigma.... having herpes for over 15 years you learn a few things... The early days, weeks and months are the hardest. Some people take years, others take days but the process is usually the same. It starts with a feeling like your life is over, that you will never have a happy and healthy relationship again now that you have herpes. You think that life will never be the same again and you are "damaged" goods that no one could possibly be attracted to. The physical discomfort only adds to the emotional pain and feelings of shame. BUT..... over time, it gets easier. The more you learn about the virus the better you feel, you learn that 80% of people have herpes and 1 in 5 have genital herpes. That is A LOT of people! This forum is just a snapshot of the millions of people who have herpes and have awesome, fulfilling lives. The reality is, herpes is a skin condition. A virus. Not life threatening and certainly not worthy of the stigma and shame attached to it. Once your daughter goes through the stages of grieving and fear, she will find solace from the others who share this reality (as will you). Stigma is only as powerful as we let it be, so many of us have gone public or disclosed to others only to find that there are a lot of really smart and open people who don't run when they hear the word herpes. Instead, they stay, they learn and they love us :) Herpes actually weeds out the ignorant people from our lives and allows us to find deep and meaningful connections. You will read about many success stories on this forum and in my experience, herpes has been a blessing. It has helped me determine what I really value in life and it has made me stronger and more informed. There is no shame in herpes, only shame in letting it define you in a negative way. So the best advice I can give you, is to be a mom.... just as if she skinned her knee, caught lice or any other normal thing that happens to us as human beings. IT WILL BE OK. Support her, love her and find out as much as you can about herpes, learn and grow TOGETHER. Just know that this is not a life sentence, just a bump along the way. Your daughter's journey is just beginning but take it from me, if herpes is the worst thing you have to deal with, you are doing just fine ;)

@strongsmartimportant your success in this relationship is YOUR accomplishment and goes to show that if you believe in your own value, others will see it too. I am very happy to hear your man is one of the good ones, with positive energy and confidence we attract people who are the same. herpes is just herpes. It is one small component of your life and does not define you any more than your haircut or style of clothing. minor details really...... love and authentic connection will over come all the small stuff. He will love you if you have herpes just as much as he will love you if you have a bad hair day :) for those that look for so much more than a superficial relationship, herpes is merely a minor inconvenience. I look forward to hearing about the disclosure!

@strongsmartimportant there IS a blood test "available" if they are prepared to give it. It will tell you if you have 1 or 2, it just won't tell you where you have it. All that said, @whitedaisies is right (as are you!) the reality there is "some risk" but really..... isn't there always? He is way more likely to get oral hsv1 from 80% of the population than he is getting it from you! I wouldn't worry about getting him tested, just be conscientious of you OB's and you can take suppressive meds to protect him further. The risk would be extremely low with condom use and suppressive meds. Sometimes our desire to know, clouds our thought process, as long as he understands the very small risk and you do everything you can to keep him safe, there is really no need for the test especially if you can't afford it :)

@strongsmartimportant I'm not sure where in Canada you are but if by chance it's Calgary, let me know and I can give you the exact dr to see!!! If not, the best chance you have of getting a test is to go to an STI clinic and book an appt with a DR (typically they are infectious disease docs). The nurses do MOST of the testing and they will refuse to give you an HSV test (I called numerous places and went to a few clinics and none of them would test unless they were swabbing a sore). The DR I saw after getting my swab was amazing... he prescribed suppressive therapy and was extremely informative and supportive. He even asked for the link to this site when I told him that it was a great resource. When I started dating my H- man, I wanted to know if he had H for the same reason as most.... if he already had it, I wouldn't have to worry so much :). The DR understood this and told me about friends and colleagues who have had the same challenges when they got herpes. He told me to bring my boyfriend in and he would test him for me! It took a lot of inquiries and some pushing as well as finding a DR with some real life intelligence. In Canada, the nurses are trained to follow the protocols (as are many DR's) and unfortunately, here they do not and generally will NOT test for hsv. I understand why... in a way because most people have it and there is nothing they can do to cure it so if you have no symptoms, they are not motivated to worry about it. That said.... its an emotional motivation as much as a physical to want to KNOW. Good luck, let us know if you find success!

@bird I had OB's every three months for over a decade but that skit is still hilarious!!! Btw, since starting suppressive meds after 15+ years with herpes. I now have virtually zero OB's. It's much easier to laugh at herpes when it visits less often :)

What @WCSDancer2010 said :) To add to that perfect post I would just like to say this.... you already know the answer to this problem. It totally sucks to have herpes and have to deal with these moments in life BUT this could be the exact moment you discover what real love is.... you have to give it to receive it and that starts with honesty and FULL disclosure. Love doesn't come easy at the best of times, don't use herpes as an excuse not to take a chance on it.

@ivoryrain. I can't help with the stats on that but your question is interesting.... if you have ghsv2 and he has oral hsv1, he could give you ghsv1 but.... how would you know? :) you would have to swab each ob to figure out which one it was and then what? Herpes 1 and 2 genitally is still genital herpes right? Hsv1 has less OB's generally and is less likely to be spread from genital to genital so your future partners technically would be at about the same risk as they already are with your ghsv2. The only real increased risk would be you getting ghsv1 and transmitting it orally to a future partner (from your genitals to their mouth) since ghsv 2 is very rarely passed to oral sites. BUT since 80% of people already have oral hsv1 then once again, the risk is quite small. You have a greater risk of getting oral hsv1 from kissing him! To be honest.... if it was me, I wouldn't sweat it. You will both be careful not to share your respective herpes with each other regardless of where it is but you both already have herpes so you know that even if you were to get hsv1 (anywhere) or he was to get hsv2, you will merely have "more" herpes :) not really a life changer at this point. I say, move forward, be careful and enjoy the possibility that this relationship might turn into something meaningful and real. It is already off to a great start!

@ivoryrain do you have hsv2 genital? If so...... based on your question, are you asking if you have any protection against hsv1 genitally?

@ivoryrain I loved reading this post. It's soooo true, you young whippersnappers as you say, have a very different dating reality than us old timers! :) back in my day..... you may have talked on the phone (and when I say phone, I mean landline.....you know the old fashioned things that were plugged into the wall and had a cord attached to the receiver!) but for the most part it was a face to face world. A world where you talked, you touched, you fucked :). There was the excitement to see the other person because you generally were not in contact between dates. Unlike now, your BF and your BFF were not a text away. Pros and cons to both realities for sure but for this date you are going on..... be yourself, be proud and be honest. No games to play, just unfiltered YOU. It sounds like this guy is one of the good ones and even if it doesn't turn romantic, it sounds like he could be a good person to have in your life. This is also good practice. Good for you for laying the cards on the table right away, I know a lot of people think face to face disclosure is best for them but I am all for a text/written disclosure when it feels right for YOU. Enjoy yourself, relax and have fun. And keep us posted!!!

Once again, no solicitation of this forum

This forum is not for solicitation. @adrial you may want to check into the above post.

@Lilac76 yes, you are just being paranoid :) herpes is not transmitted via toilet seats or any other non-living surface for that matter. The virus needs to have a "live" host and is generally only transmitted via skin to skin contact. So, unless you are touching and open sore then touching your son, you won't give him herpes! As long as you wash your hands after going to the bathroom, etc while having and active OB all will be fine. I have an 8 year old and worried about the same thing when he was a baby but sooner learned that it is almost impossible to infect him. Unless you go around rubbing your active sores and touching children(I am going out on a limb here by saying you don't :) , you can relax!

Awesome :)

@WCSDancer2010 your situation definitely adds a whole other layer to dating for you and your potential partners. It's one thing to accept the person and the risk, its quite another for everyone to know about it. I have to say, I'm not sure how I would react to that reality myself..... (if the tables were turned). I went through a similar situation with my H- boyfriend when deciding to do the sykpe interview for Adrial's program.... not only did my man have to be ok with me having herpes, he had to be ok that other people would know about it. He was totally ok with it and supportive of me but I didn't assume he would be. I had to give him a vote to be fair to HIM in that situation (I felt it was the right thing to do). But if I find myself "out" and in a new potential relationship, that choice will be taken away from the next man and I will be sensitive to that fact. I don't look at it as a bad thing if your potential partner shys away from the realities of dating you, it's just his right to choose. It would be like meeting someone famous and deciding you were not comfortable in the limelight. Some people are more private by nature and that is totally cool, they have every right to their privacy. Regardless of what he decides, I would understand (as I know you will too). The decision of course won't be a reflection on you, rather, a reflection of his comfort zone- not to be confused with rejection- they are different :)

@Cars85. Yay for the photo! I love seeing all these pretty faces (and handsome ones) on this forum. WE are all the face of herpes and a damn fine looking group :) congrats for "coming out" in your own way, it can be just as empowering for you as @misskellyrenee coming out in her profile (and subsequent Internet herpes stardom!) every step we take towards empowerment takes the stigma down a notch or two and gives us our power back. Keep up the good work ladies, I'm proud of you :)

@misskellyrenee nice work girlfriend! The fact that you have met this head on and taken it as YOUR opportunity to de-stigmatize herpes is a brave and bold move. As much as the spread of the topic is an attempt to get readers and followers to each of these feeds, it also ends up bringing herpes to the masses, to get them thinking and talking about it. By putting a face to the headlines you are changing the stigma one person at a time. The more we get out there and show that soooooo many of us have herpes and we will not sit in the shadows and be silent. It's not a reason to feel shame and it sure as fuck isn't a reason to feel less worthy or less desirable. Quite often the negative reactions and the people who "out" us are acting out of fear and sometimes that fear is that someone will find out THEY have herpes. What better way to distract from your own herpes than to point the finger at someone else?! It's a classic move for a coward to throw accusations and insults to detract from their shit and lies. The best defense is a good offense...... you have mounted the greatest offense! Keep the videos coming... :)

@Cars85 you have definitely met many males that have it :) they are either in denial as Dane points out or they don't know they have it or aren't admitting it! Bottom line.... we have it and we know it so finding the humor in it and owning it is the only reasonable option. Thanks for the Amy Schumer post, I always enjoy good humor regardless of the topic!

@Cars85 I LOVE Amy Schumer!!!! She tells all the politically incorrect jokes and she is good at it :) the other night I watched a stand up routine where she told racist jokes, sexist jokes, fat jokes, ugly jokes and yes..... Herpes jokes! She is unapologetic and damn good at her delivery.... thanks for the post!

@YogaJ12 well said 8 months is sooooo new to the virus but you are clearly a quick study. The OB's are a reality check. And sometimes they are just OB's that suck. The key is to separate herpes from the rest of your life and to include it at the same time..... Herpes or not, we all have to learn to stop sweating the small stuff and stop allowing other people to control how we feel about ourselves. Herpes is like the worst boyfriend you have ever had. He makes you feel dirty and un-lovable, he makes you feel like you can't do any better, he makes you want to settle. But you know what??? Herpes and bad boyfriends can fuck off. (btw, this applies to bad girlfriends also). Herpes is a pain in the ass but it's YOUR pain in the ass.... nurture yourself and accept it as part of you, the beauty is that you don't have to accept douch bags as part of you! Let them go and move on. Herpes is your new filter. A gift really. As for the OB's.... sometimes they don't reflect your efforts. Sometimes they keep coming. Find your own balance. After 15+ yrs of OB's (every three months or so) and an extremely healthy lifestyle I started meds and they have worked like a charm. You are early in the process so your OB's will most likely subside if you keep you triggers to a minimum. Regardless of how that plays out for you, everything you say is correct. ALWAYS fight for YOU, if you don't, no one else will. And isn't it amazing how charged we can get when the hormones flow? Go girl!

@inspired32 my take on the situation is that his initial timid approach to you sexually was due to his erectile issue and he had likely had some problems with ED that precede you and have NOTHING to do with herpes. Knowing how hard it was for you to talk about herpes, imagine how hard it is for a man to talk about ED. It can be a very imasculating thing for men to admit they struggle with it so they tend not to talk about sex or the problems they are having down low. Be VERY sensitive to this...... show the compassion you needed when disclosing herpes and be patient with him. Ask him if there is anything you can do that turns him on or if there are any positions that are better for him before you start asking about it directly. It might be he is unsure of himself in bed, it might be that he is scared (not of herpes but of not pleasing you), it might be that he has plumbing issues (which is common). I recommend reading up on ED and find out its causes and get an understanding of it before the conversation so if it is a real issue for him, you are equipped to say the right things. So much of sexual performance anxiety is about what is going on in the man's head about not being good enough, this may have nothing to do with herpes at all but it is a good parallel. You can bond over the feelings that come with both ailments. I have been with a man who struggled the ED and he got all the medical checks and he was fine physically so I started talking to him about his emotions surrounding sex (the issue didn't start with me) and he had a hard time (pardon the pun :) articulating "why" he couldn't stay hard. He seemed to want to blame the position or the angle :). I felt like it was me actually....like I wasn't turning him on enough. He quickly and adamantly said that was not the case. So we started working around it, got some blue pills, talked a bit but mostly did everything and anything to enjoy sex and as time went on he got better (not in a complete sense) but his erections lasted longer and he got hard in more positions. The position he preferred was one that he stayed hard and climaxed. So we played and had sex in other positions, used toys and did the things that made me climax before going to his position where he climaxed! It was ALL GOOD! Just like herpes, there are many ways to have a sexually fulfilling relationship and ways to work around the challenges. It makes for a much more interesting sexual experience at the end of the day.

@adrial can you check on the above post....