RegularGuy

It seems like you are in a relatively positive state of mind, and that's great! I would say that from reading your post that you seem to rate very high in resilience, that's something to be proud of! As a particularly forward-thinking person like you seem to be, I would recommend that you be aware that your mood and attitude toward your diagnosis will probably bounce up and down for a while, and that's okay. Some days will be easier than others, and a tough day doesn't mean that you're falling apart. You will probably find that over time your mood will be good for longer and longer. So don't sweat it if it seems like you end up feeling down for a little while, just try to stay focused on the future and how you're going to have a really great one! I personally take the meds daily, as the side effects are mild for me, and I take comfort in knowing I'm doing something about my situation. Having insurance helped sway me toward it, seeing as a month of pills costs less than a month of netflix on my insurance plan. If you are fortunate enough that it is affordable, I recommend it if you find yourself stressing about having an out break in the future. Stay positive and forward-thinking! That is your best defense against getting down about things.

Well my out break has definitely cleared by now, but I am still seeing blood in my stool. Definitely something bigger going on, as it's been an issue for several weeks. I'm going to do the thing I was going to do, then schedule an appointment with my doctor for some potentially bad news, then I'm going to get whatever it turns out to be straightened out. The good news is that I have decided not to be mad about it, or afraid of what might happen. Cuz no matter what, I have a lot of really good times I will get to enjoy anyway. I am beginning to think it might turn out to be nothing to sweat. I've had very life threatening problems before, and accepted my time is possibly very short. The great thing about really accepting that is I get to look at every situation differently than I did when I was younger. Everything that happens and everyone you meet is an opportunity. Doing good things doesn't always need to be profound, it can be small, and it can be less than what someone may have been expecting out of you. But you get to enjoy knowing that things were a little better because you were here, and at very least, you did what you thought was right. I might just stick around for a long time. Chances seem likely of that, so I'm not trying to be overly dramatic here. I'm just putting some thoughts down to remind myself to keep at it. I feel great about the way things have shaped up for me, herpes included. Yeah, believe that if you can! I want to be able to live knowing that anger and self pity are temporary and optional to me, because I'm so lucky to be in that position. Many people don't get a choice.

Well, it is possible to spread herpes without symptoms. It's rare, but it happens. The truth of the matter is that "shedding" can occur randomly and without warning. However, taking medication, washing hands normally, and avoiding contact when you feel an outbreak coming on, happening, or within a few days of clearing is the best way to prevent spread. Planned Parenthood might be a good option. If you have insurance, a minute clinic might be a good option too. Best case scenario, you'd be able to see a primary care physician whenever you have issues or questions, but a lot of people simply can't afford that kind of care. Personally, I google up medical articles about my questions. Ones that are published on a medical journals after peer review are the most reliable source of information, short of seeing a doctor in person. There are also advice hotlines available in some states that you can get simple answers from an RN, but I haven't used one of those since the early 2000's, so I'm not sure about them anymore. If he gets offended by you suggesting he test for herpes, remind him that all of your anxiety about transmitting the virus may be for nothing. And, at very least if he doesn't have herpes, it will make all of the time and effort to protect him worth while. I realize that doing all of these things takes an investment of time and money, but it is worth it.

First of all, you found yourself a very brave person who wants to have a meaningful relationship. Second, I recommend he get tested for herpes himself, to ensure that you are not both afraid for nothing. It is common to have herpes and not know it. Third, If he doesn't have the virus: You can reduce the chance of transmission by taking suppression medicine like valacyclovir and by using condoms. If you have specific questions, feel free to ask. We have a non judgemental policy here. You could probably benefit from going to see a doctor with him so that you can both get questions answered.

Let's not get mixed up, that it is clear from your account of events that you have been victimized. I don't think anyone here intends to make you feel like you're questions are morally wrong. I think the scrutiny is from a perspective of sympathy to your profoundly difficult situation, and that those responses to the negative of legal action are intended to encourage you to protect yourself. While it may well be in the effort of protecting others, it is up to you to decide if pursuing legal action would ultimately result in too many sacrifices on your part. And regardless of my own beliefs. I want you to know that you have friends in your corner, who won't judge you, and who honestly are here to aid in you in times of hardship. Please feel free to reach out. And if you need someone to take a direct role in being a sympathetic ear, or a source of advice, you can pm me.

I would recommend that he get the suspect area tested via swab by a doctor. There are documented cases of herpes outbreaks that look like small cuts rather than blisters and sores.

Does he need space to feel comfortable going outside to enjoy hobbies like cleaning his car for 4 hours straight, browsing the tech department at a store, or so he won't feel implied pressure to grab the 20's at the gym? I'm not saying you're overbearing, but it is possible that he doesn't want to subject you to the torturous rituals of his hobbies. Maybe you are right that his aspirations are to work his same job forever, and vegetate on his tv and phone with all of his spare time. You could start a dialogue about it. I can tell you that I am the type that avoids subjecting my girlfriend to the cruelty of my hobbies pretty often. I can spend 2 hours laying under my car in the hot sun on a Sunday. That is absolutely not something I would expect my girlfriend to stand by and witness. Let alone all of the cussing, negativity and frustration I demonstrate while doing simple maintenance, haha! Maybe his ritual is one he doesn't want you to be put off by. But if you find that he is content to be as he is, and that you need aggression, big dreams, big moves, and career advancement, maybe your instincts are right. Maybe he doesn't have the same kind of drive. Talk to him about career, find out what he is already doing to reach those wonderful dreams that made you feel inspired. Talk to him about finances, and find out if the first thing he would buy the day you both pay down student loans would be a phone, a car, or a house. Talk to him about what he would do if you went to visit a friend on your own for a couple of days. Would he hang around the house, would he go to the bar every night, would he go to a car show / concert, or would he spend extra time at work? Would you like doing those things yourself? Would you be happy that he wants to do those things? Would you find the fun in the kind of lifestyle those desires an interests imply as what is going to be part of your daily life? I recommend starting a dialogue when you find yourselves surfing netflix on a friday night, or something equally idle. It just might reveal that there are lots of interests you still both share, and a way to make some of the things you each want to accomplish happen. If not, maybe you are on different stages of your lives. You, not satisfied, and him, too stagnant.

Update on my second out break: I still haven't been to the doctor, which isn't a good decision on my part in the long run, but I have some good reasons to enjoy things while I can that I won't discuss here. In general if you find yourself in my position as I have stated with this second out break which may actually be something much more serious, definitely go to the doctor right away. TMI: I had a pair of sores show up in a visible location the other day. So I know I am having herpes symptoms. I think I might have something else going on at the same time which is causing bleeding in my stool. Considering that it is either just herpes or something very serious, I am timing going to the doctor to fall between some very important events coming up in my near future. One I wish to enjoy regardless of my mortality, and the other which may or may not become inconsequential if I do get some bad news. Nuff said, don't ask. Focusing on the purpose of this site, Herpes round two has been much longer an ordeal than the first, it seems. Odd, because the first was much more painful, yet this time the pain is very persistent. It is effecting my mood, and my girlfriend notices the difference. I have explained all to her, and she remains shockingly supportive and wonderful. Seriously grateful! It won't last forever. More depressing is the possibility that it may be cancerous, as is likely based on consistent family history of colon cancer between ages 30 and 50. Literally every single relative so far. So I see no reason it should not be surgically removed just as easily, but the possibility that it may have metastasized already is unnerving. Case and point though, herpes is no longer the biggest factor in my day to day, even during out break. So, believe that it will be the same for you, regardless of circumstances.

I know you have a lot happening in your life, and a lot of concerns for the future. First, the only 100% definite test is a culture swab taken of a blister by a doctor. That will tell them everything about the virus at that site. Second, if you suspect it may be herpes, go ahead and stop shaving near the sores, and around the out break area for a few months (this is based on my own opinion, as I did have a follow-up out break in a new area either from shaving or from just the virus doing what it does....) Third, wash your hands especially after you touch an effected area. This simple task almost entirely eliminates chances of spreading accidentally. Fourth, abstain, or disclose. People who choose to be intimate with you deserve to be given the opportunity to give consent, knowing there may be risk. Even if you take every other precaution, still disclose. Finally but most importantly, know that herpes doesn't change who you are, and it won't change how you date. While herpes may be a deal breaker for some, it is ONLY a deal breaker to someone who hasn't found the one in you. It only means they intend to find someone else. Even still, there are many people who can attest that herpes doesn't stop them from enjoying casual sex, and that there are plenty of people who will consent after disclosure. I can personally attest that herpes will not be the defining feature of who you are, or your future relationships. You are just as great a person as you have ever been, and you are no better or worse than you were before diagnosis. You seem to have picked up on that already, and it's really great to find out from your post that you seem to be very aware of your state of mind. Keep looking toward the future, but make it a future where you are happy and accomplished! You won't continue to dwell on it, unless you choose to. Decide that you are not defined by herpes, and instead defined by your actions and decisions!

Remember that her acceptance of herself and her happiness will wander toward positive and negative, always. That you won't see constant improvement, but a general trend over time. Someone gave me the same advice once just a few weeks ago, and it really helped me. One hard day, or one sudden burst of tears does not mean a set back. It's just a thing that happens.

I am currently going through an out break that is similar to hemorrhoids. At first, I thought it might be cancerous polyps, because of family medical history. But, when a blister showed up in a visible spot, I was sure it's herpes. Never had any sexual contact that would cause it, just seems to be where the virus decided to migrate this time. I had some discomfort and blood, it got more painful for about a week and is healing now. It's totally lame, but it hasn't stopped me from going to work or parties and stuff, so I'm not upset about it.

I think there is a lot of misinterpretation regarding transmission. The facts and statistics are complicated. As I understand, it is possible to have both types of herpes in any mucus membrane (genitals, mouth, eyes, ears, nose... even fingers despite not actually being mucus membranes). There are many factors that effect the odds of transmission, and immune resistance. But, touching sores directly and then touching another part of the body without washing hands is the most likely way to spread the virus on yourself, and sex is the most likely way to contact new infection. I don't mean to cause anxiety. Good hand washing habits and safe sex reduce transmission drastically, and they are both easy things to do!

Don't worry, many better days ahead. We will be here if you need to reach out!

Well, it's good to know that she got a few doses of medication. It may be worthwhile to get a second opinion from another doctor, there is nothing wrong with wanting solid answers. Like you said, she has only just been diagnosed. She will have better days ahead of her, for sure! She is very lucky to have a mother who is so dedicated to being what she needs! I hope it won't be long before you simply don't need the forum here because she will be feeling like herself again, and herpes simply won't be as big of a thing as it seems now.

I don't know much about your circumstances. A lot of that sounds really hard to go through, and I'm sorry. As far as your blood test results, that number would mean that you did not recently contract the virus. I don't think the number means much after showing positive, as there are a million factors that determine the volume of antibodies detected by the test. You can rest assured that the test results mean absolutely zero about your husband's behavior. If you are that concerned about him being unfaithful, it might be more appropriate to tactfully begin a discussion about your fear that he would sleep with someone else. Not in an accusatory way, and understanding that he may become very defensive and hurt just by initiating the topic, but it may be something you need to find assurance on. Even if it is just as simple as him telling you he won't.

Has she been prescribed valacyclovir or an equivalent medicine? I found that taking the medication offered me a really valuable sense of security in that I was doing something about it. It is also helpful to know that her immune system will get better at managing the virus, and it will not be so difficult forever. I know that it is a hard truth that bad things happen to good people. The sadness and anger will dull. The pain will ease up. Also understand that as her mother, there will be some things that she doesn't want to talk to you about. It's not that she doesn't think you are capable of being supportive in the subjects, but it is often easier to approach certain topics with people who are not part of the immediate family. Has she reached out to anyone else for support? It might be helpful for her to make an account on this site as well, so that she can read about other's experiences, and possibly reach out to individuals for candid discussion. I know that your empathy for her is profound, and that she will pick up on subtle queues from your mood easily. Try to be positive, forward-thinking, and encouraging as much as possible for her. She might begin to see that your expectations for her haven't changed, and that your opinion of her ability and worth as a person hasn't changed. It might help her to feel the same about herself.

You haven't spontaneously become someone different. And you are capable of all of the same things you have always been. Leo can still kill it at work. Leo can still make a group of friend crack up laughing, or convince them to go to her favorite bar instead of the other one. Leo can still chase that dream of the bigger role in her company, and she would do just as great a job at it, if given the chance! I understand a lot of your disappointment, your shame, and your fear. I always have held myself to an unattainable standard. Before herpes, I never met a single problem I couldn't smash through with will power and determination. When I found out, I thought I had lost my ability to feel off stress to gain success, for fear that the stress would trigger out breaks. I thought for sure that my business trip would be a major failure, because I would be able to take the lack of sleep, being put on the spot, and my weaknesses exposed while simultaneously dealing with my first out break. I thought my girlfriend would definitely leave me. I thought I'd have to withdraw from college because I wouldn't be able to handle additional deadlines. I thought I might shoot myself, because RegularGuy was dead anyway, and I didn't have the will to live like a RegularPoorSap. But I was completely, unbelievably wrong about all of that. I smashed my buisness trip, and it was actually even more stressful than anything I had done before. I was thrown to the wolves, a witch hunt ensued to find someone to fire. All of my weaknesses were pointed out, stepped on, and my career threatened. And I was still recovering from my first out break. In the end, I freaking killed that trip. That trip became the reason I earned the raise I asked for! At the same time, I was writing my final essays and taking my final exams for my degree. And I freaking smashed those, too! At the same time, my girlfriend was suffering doubt and fear like I was, and we kept communication as a priority, were brutally honest about our thoughts and feelings, and she decided not to ditch me before we even really got our heads wrapped around the problem. At least, if she would have left, it wouldn't have been just because of herpes. Not because I am some incredible, indestructible force. But because herpes had absolutely zero influence on my ability to tackle the goals I needed to tackle and achieve what I have always been working toward. It will go exactly the same for you, Leo. You are too much yourself to spontaneously become something else against your will! Sorry to hear you've joined the club. Welcome to the community. If you find yourself struggling to steer your thoughts away from negative stuff, reach out. If you have questions or confessions, we won't judge as a rule. I can't wait to read that you've ripped yourself away from your bed, thrown yourself back into the world, and re-taken your pride. Cuz what is a Leo without their pride anyway?

She is going to libe to be the exact same person she would have been. You can absolutely trust in that! I know she is having a lot of inner conflict, and she is lucky to have a mother who supports her. I recommend that she try to steer her thoughts toward positive notions about the future. To remember that herpes does not make her any better or worse at anything. She is just as capable as she always has been. She won't be alone forever. Herpes is not the most defining feature of any relationships with those who are H+, especially in relationships where only one person has been diagnosed. I can personally attest that I saw zero change in my ability in school, work, or relationship as I went through diagnosis and the months following. She will see the same be true for herself. For you personally, I would recommend that you not steer conversation toward herpes, but encourage any conversation unrelated. If your daughter needs to vent about it, be strong for her, listen, but don't drag out the topic more than just what she needs. Ask her for help with simple things like getting groceries, or taking the car for an oil change. She will see your desire for her to be with you, and to help you as affirmation that she is capable and likeable. Encourage her to seek opportunities to spend time with her friends, to help them if she can. It will remind her that other people can appreciate her. Tell her she is pretty when she needs it. Tell her to toughen up and take care of her school or work obligations when she needs it. Help her to understand that she has not spontaneously become someone less than she was. She is the person she chooses to be, good or bad. Her dreams are just as far-fetched as always. Her powerful moods, just as fleeting as ever. Her ability to chase those dreams and temper those moods, just as much her own as always. No better or worse. You'll see, in a few weeks she will start feeling more positive for longer amounts of time. In a few months, she will be back at her pursuit of her goals at full force. She will realize that she is still just as capable, desirable, and good as ever. Her diagnosis can't change any of that. Only her reaction to it will change anything.

My doctor recommended regular soap and water. Herpes doesn't live outside a host for long at all (I think a few minutes), so things like bars of soap are probably not a risk, unless you actively shower at the same time as someone else. Personally, I wash myself in the same way as before, except that I throw in an extra hand wash after my junk, but more for peace of mind than practicality. I would also recommend holding off on shaving effected areas, especially if you just contracted recently. It takes a couple of months for your immune system to catch up after the initial out break. It might be overly cautious, but I recommend not shaving an effected area for that long.

Great idea for a thread @hippyherpy ! Completely non-judgemental, I am very much interested in keeping up with responses here.

For me, it was a series of realizations: 1. That I was still killing it at work and in school,the same way I had been up to the day I had been diagnosed. Call that capable. 2. That I was still able to look forward to my future, knowing that I was just as capable as always. Call that forward-thinking 3. That valacyclovir flys off pharmacy shelves so fast that orders have to be filled right away. Call that not alone. 4. That I could still do good things for good people, and that those close to me still felt the desire to reach out to me when they need a hand. Call that desirable. When I looked at the weeks to a month of my actions and accomplishments after being diagnosed, I saw that I was capable, forward-thinking, not alone, and desirable. Just like I had always been. RegularGuy was still just a regular guy. That evidence assures me that herpes holds little power over my day to day, and absolutely will have no effect on what I achieve or how I live in the long run. My dreams haven't changed, and neither has my ability to chase them.

My girlfriend and I talked plenty about how we felt about our situation, and what we would do about it now. We also talked about how we want things to be in the future, and our fears associated with it. We tend to keep these conversations matter of fact, and let them be done when they are done. We have really strong communication, which makes that stuff really easy. It might not be as simple for others, but it is worth the effort. If your s/o is reserved about that stuff, let them be. If you bring up the conversation, but they resist, demonstrate patience. Fear regarding long term commitment comes and goes. Wanting children is the same way. Maybe today isn't a good day to bring up the American dream, but maybe tomorrow will be. The trick is to put the shoe on the other foot, and really try to feel what they are feeling. A little empathy goes a long way. Just don't be surprised if you realize the other person genuinely feels a lot of anxiety about the future. Herpes can have that effect sometimes, but it's temporary. To answer your question more directly, we both have felt doubt, and have both been so supportive and caring that the doubts have been dissolved. That is an ongoing process, I think. Not solely reserved to doubt regarding herpes, but a lot of other things as well. You are right that God hasn't left you hanging. You have someone to lean on a little, and someone to show some compassion for. That's definitely something to be grateful for, even if it doesn't work out long term. At very least, it can help you to see that your actions and decisions matter to other people, and that you have many desirable qualities. I won't dance around the issue, though. Herpes can be a deal breaker for some people. It doesn't make you any better or worse. It only effects those you are with in that way if they decide that you aren't the one, and they haven't finished searching.

Sounds like he needs some help with making decisions in the heat of the moment. You deserve to feel confidence and security in the bedroom, without fear of your partner having a backlash of emotions after. Maybe he needs some more patience and understanding. Maybe he needs you to insist on using protection for a while. It seems like he is very attracted to you, which is great. But remember that the flood of "feel good" chemicals associated with impending intimacy can cloud judgement, and make people less concerned with risk. He seems to need some help with this, considering his anxiety afterward. It can be as simple as you keeping a condom on the nightstand and retrieve it casually. None of his reaction is your fault, and you certainly don't need to take responsibility for it! But you can help him to prevent future anxiety, amd I am sure he will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

@butterfly2018 Thank you for the positive feedback. Sorry to hear that you've joined the club. I understand that you have a million things going on, and then there is also herpes. It makes participating in a relationship challenging, but it is worth the extra effort to persist with your s/o if herpes is the only thing that makes it difficult. Because soon you will feel like it's -just- herpes, not the monster it feels like now. You should throttle back on treating it like the flu, and that your very breath carries plague, because it simply isn't that nefarious. Realistically, just washing your hands seems to be plenty of precaution. I would encourage you to adapt to handling and washing towels thoughtfully, as there is some doubt in the medical community. Warm, wet environment and all that noise. But overall, if you pay attention to your body, and don't panic about things, you will be able to handle it just fine. Regarding sex, there is nothing wrong with abstaining temporarily, especially while you have symptoms. Your partner should understand without much need for convincing. Nobody deserves to feel guilt or shame in the bedroom! I know you probably have a lot of introspection going on these days. Take the opportunity to practice steering your thoughts toward positive ideas of how you will meet your near future! Is the person you are with right for you? Is now a good time to use some vacation time to do something fun? Do you have any hobbies or projects you can do that make you feel accomplished, especially if the thought of leaving the confines of your home is stressful? Remember what you dreamed you would be doing next year? Is there anything you can focus on doing to help get you there? These are the introspective questions that are hiding just behind all of that fear and sadness. This could be a tine for anxiety and strife, but you have the power not to let it be! Good luck! Welcome to the community! Please reach out to someone close, or us here on the forums if you find yourself struggling!

Don't give me too much credit. The other side of the discussion does have plenty to consider. If pursuing legal action would prevent more people from being victimized, then it would be good reason to do so. I think that the opposition to you following through with pressing charges against this person are rooted in the thinking that it might be damaging to your ability to accept yourself as you are. And accepting yourself as well as your situation is important. The anger, depression and shame are serious states of mind that you have to work to libe with. They will only fade after you find a way to appreciate yourself. Taking action for the sole purpose of vengeance would hinder that process, and not help.