Bad day bad day. Need inspiration fast before I lose it.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Having a bad day with it and I need inspiration fast. I've taken a klonopin to calm the nerves but really am not at a good place tonight. And I need help. Really scared tonight and really upset. And feeling like it's never going to get better until the people who should be here are. Him. Mostly. And I can't get past someone not caring or being there for me when they did this to me. And I can't stop worrying. I've spent days trying to move past him not caring and not being here for me and I can't. And I need help tonight. Seeing no bright side in any of this. And I don't want to be alone anymore.

[cc123]

Deep breaths. It's going to be okay. I know how hard it is. I've spent the past week in an awful dark place and I'm just now realizing that I need to snap out of it and keep living my life. I still have moments that the one you're having now. It might not seem like it now, but you are going to find someone who loves you for you and you're going to be happy. This whole thing is a blessing in disguise. This guy is clearly not right for you nor does he deserve you. Karma will take care of it. For now have a good cry and a glass of wine, take a hot shower, put on your favorite movie, and go to bed early. One day at a time. I'm here for you, we all are. Xo

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

How does anyone know I'm going to find someone to accept this? How does anyone know that and I keep getting told that by my friends outside of this forum but how does anyone know? My best friend told me that I'm too pretty that this is going to be overlooked so easily for me, but how does she know? And me being pretty, by her standards, how does that make a man look past herpes? I don't feel pretty anymore. Not that I did before, I had low self esteem before this but now it's really bad. And I don't know how anyone is ever going to look past this? I don't. And how can the person who did this to me walk away and not care or be here for me? How can someone do that? How? I can't get over it. He should be here. He should be with me. He should care. I need him to care. I need him to care that he did this to me and to call me and stop ignoring me. And how do I know karma is going to handle it? Like am I the only person who thinks what he is doing is wrong? I feel like I am. And I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[Aerial2013]

If I could be there with you right now, I'd bring you my softest, coziest blanket (it's cold where I am), I'd find out what your favorite comfort food is and bring it to you, I'd find out what you like to drink and buy you the best coffe, tea, H Choc, soda, alcohol....whatever you want, and I'd just SIT with you and listen. If you didn't want to talk, we'd watch a movie, listen to music, or whatever. Alas, we must be friends, here in the online place where we met, so PLEASE do NOT think you are alone or defeated just because you are there and all of us aren't.

 

Hang in there sister! This will pass and you WILL have better clarity and vision...AND...I think I'm starting another o/b, so I need you to hang in there, because I WILL have more days of crying buckets, and I find hope knowing that women like you are surviving and thriving!

 

Hang in there sista!!!

 

Some day, I'll be reading of you discovering a love you never dreamed possible, and us gals will laugh and find comfort that truly good men ARE still alive and well!

[abc123]

Defeated--- I sure do know how you feel. My story is different from yours but I know the pain you are in. I can't seem to get past the fact that I may never find anyone. It is the worst. The best we can do is keep hoping and praying and staying on this site where we an get support. Being here helps me feel less alone. It's like having a friend with you.

[nic4897]

Hey... Breathe. First, it's not about finding someone. It's about loving yourself and putting you first. Love you first. It's the most powerful message I could ever "pass" to you :) if I didn't love myself, I wouldn't be able to have faith. If you're looking for hope tonight .. Start with you. So, pretend We are at a restaurant. Pretend I know nothing about you at all. What qualities would you describe about yourself? Would you start by defining yourself by having herpes? Let's start there. Sooo ... Tell me a bit about yourself..

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thanks @aerial2013. I am sorry to hear you are having another outbreak. My heart breaks for you. And I'm hanging in there, just having one of those nights. I've calmed down a good bit from earlier. Took the hot bath as suggested, ate some dinner. I hope I have that story. I really really do. Just going to hit my books and study. Finals week.

 

@abc123 This site helps me feel less alone too. It has pretty much become my second family to help me through all this. It is just crazy because I haven't had a true breakdown day in about a week. And I thought I made it out of it, but I haven't clearly yet.

 

@nic4897 You made a good point. If I am looking for hope...start with myself. I have got to love myself with this, and I am clearly not there yet. Clearly. No where near loving myself. And I like your restaurant idea. No, I would never say well... I have herpes and here are the other things about me. I mean, I have always considered myself to be a very loving, giving person. Always there if anyone needs me. I am that friend. I have a degree in accounting in less than 2 weeks. Graduating with honors. I am determined and driven. Independent. I can dance like no ones business. No lie. My favorite thing to do is dance. I love the beach, I feel completely at ease there. I work hard. Always have. I'm a pretty serious person. I don't date just for the hell of it. I only date people I could see myself being with on a long term basis. I love hard. When I fall, I fall hard. Really hard. And I am the kind of person who would do anything in the world for that person. I am a giver. I am confident when it comes to what I want to do with my life, very strong willed. Those are my best qualities I guess.

[nic4897]

So you're a loving person, you have a clear and independent path toward financial independence and intrinsic self actualization, you're a good friend, you love to dance :) and you love the water (which in psychology means you're sensitive btw.) How could you ever, EVER, think no one could ever love you for you one day with all that going on...and pretty to boot :) Go easy on yourself. All of this can be managed. Deal with that emotionally first.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Yeah @nic4897. My sign is Cancer. Go freaking figure. I am the most emotional sign. I was emotional before this and clearly after. And yes, anyone who knows me can tell you I am one of the most sensitive people you ever will meet. Get my feelings hurt by the slightest thing. Thank you. That actually helped. A lot. Maybe I need to do that. Write down what I think is positive about myself and keep it with me when I start having a day like today. What a wonderful idea. Thank you.

[nic4897]

Anytime, love! We have all had those days that require that reminder. And, a list is a most excellent idea :) I have one myself.. Truth!

[NexisLexis]

big hugs to you ! I'm on klonopin also. I'm sending my big slobbery Rottweiler and our brand new puppy heidi who is also full of kisses to you so you will feel better. I'm a Libra and water is my sign. and in chinese I'm a rodent. lol snuggle up with some hot tea take your Lysine. wish you were in Iowa I would skip work just to be there for you.

so big slobbery kisses from my puppies and a hug from me. hope this makes you feel better. p.s. celexa helps also. blessings to you.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

@nexislexis, thank you. I've considered getting a dog. I thought maybe that might cheer me up. I also was given lexapro. But I haven't been taking that. Maybe I should. I just don't want to be all drugged up to cope with this, but I know right now I need it. My friends are worried about the klonopin because I have been taking it a little excessively but it's the only thing leveling me.

[peaceandlove]

DBT I want to give you the biggest hug ever. I know exactly how you feel. I met a man, we talked for months, I opened my heart to him. He said I was the most amazing girl he ever met and he thought I was the one. But 5 days after we were intimate for the first time I got diagnosed with H. I called and told him about it and haven't heard from him again. It hurts so badly, how could he forget me so easily? H seems to take all the insecurities we have and put them right in our faces. It makes you take inventory of everything little thing you think people won't like about you or you don't like about yourself. It's enough to put anybody in an bad place emotionally.

 

I love what nic4897 said, what amazing qualities make us who we are? What positive things are we overlooking because we just see herpes? This condition doesn't make you any less kind, loving, selfless, driven and beautiful (I know you said you don't see yourself that way but sweetheart you're gorgeous) and those traits are what truly matter. He walked away, and as much as it hurts, it's by far his loss. You deserve a man who can give you the same love support and kindness you give, not a boy who gets scared and runs away. Love yourself, know you are a wonderful, strong, beautiful woman.

 

You are never alone, we all may be scattered across the globe but we're here for you. I'm still just starting to figure everything out just like you but I am (just like everyone here in our various stages of this journey) right beside you. I'll be writing my own list of positive things :P

[NexisLexis]

you might have to start back up with the lexapro. it would suck to build up a tolerance to klonopin. but I understand about the leveling aspect. another thought is going to your local animal shelter and see if they need a volunteer to play with the dogs its good socialization for them and good for you. it will make you feel better.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Hang in there tryin and chin up. Its all gonna get better with time. The man ain't worth missing. He was a coward couldny be upfront with you in the first place and then tucked tail and ran when it came time to face what he did. Just hang in there.

[WCSDancer2010]

Hey sweetie: Sooooo sorry I didn't see this until I was *trying* to work though the posts at some ungodly hour last night (I had a 9am-midnight balls-to-the-wall kinda day). But I'm LOVING all the beautiful responses :)

 

Sooo this is what I see:

 

"And I don't want to be alone anymore."

 

I TOTALLY hear that. Neither do I - BUT, I actually took 3 years off (wasn't planned to be that long - it just happened that way) off of dating and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. After 20 years of marriage (married at 19 no less) and then 2- 3 year relationships, I had never learned how to be alone. And now I am watching my father dealing with my Step-mom being in a nursing home and seeing how he doesn't know how to be alone. And I finally really got it that being "alone" is a learned skill.

 

Now I'm really becoming comfortable with not "having" to have any one person in my life. Learning how to be comfortable with traveling, going dancing, whatever without anyone else to accompany me. Knowing how to reach out to friends (as you did.... GO YOU!) when I am having a bad day. I didn't know how to do that before and it made me more likely to choose men to be with me so I wouldn't be alone, rather than waiting for the right man to come along who would complement me rather than "complete" me.

 

It doesn't mean I am not very much ready to not be alone any more. But I am not going to cry (well, maybe I will a *little*) when a guy walks away after the talk any more, because in all reality, he has done me a favor if he is more worried about the (minor) possibility of getting a skin condition than he is about getting to know ME to see if I am worth that risk. I watched my father nurse not one wife, but TWO through illnesses..... IMO the man who walks that easily will not be there when I REALLY need him.

 

Honey - you are a stunningly beautiful young lady and I can tell you have a heart of gold. (We Cancers are like that :) ). And you are young...gosh, I think of how far I have come in my 30ish years since my early 20's and I didn't have people to help guide me, and courses and such to learn from back then. I wish I had this kind of resource back then... it took me till my 40's to find the people and resources to help me grow and learn to love ME. To start to realize that while it's hard at first to walk away from an unworkable relationship, it's far worse to stay in it.

 

BTW - One other thing to consider is Light Therapy...I get Seasonal Affective Disorder at this time of year and on gray days I use the therapy light and it DOES help - I find November and December can really kick my butt if I don't stay on top of it..... I have a really small light I can take anywhere with me, or you can get special larger lights that stay in one place. You may want to look that up and see if you might be helped with light therapy :) There's a Winter Blues test here that you can take http://www.usa.philips.com/c/light-therapy/11625/cat/ (and this is the light I use)

 

(((HUGS))) chica - hope you are better today!

[Aerial2013]

Hope, it's MORE than a little freaky that we have SO much in common! WOW! And I'm Aquarius too, but I refuse to label myself as having "emotional, confused outbursts"! ;) In fact, I decided about a decade back that we Aquarius women really aren't moody, it's just that some days we take a bunch shit, and some days we DON'T!!!

 

And I LOVE, LOVE what you said about the right man to "complement me rather than 'complete' me"!

 

AMEN sista!!! :-D.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thanks everyone. Just had a bad night with it. A little better. All of your words are encouraging.

[Sab123]

I feel your pain but in a different situation I'm in a relationship and so in love but there is so much stress getting between us we have a beautiful thing but my anger gets in our way sometimes I feel like the world is against me he has accepted me with he and isn't going anyway as he says to be but other stress and depression is getting in between us and I don't want to let it anymore so I'm trying to work on that it's scary the thought of loosing your best friend the only one you want but you will find someone to accept you but if you don't already have that someone accept your self first you will be okay we all will in time

[simplyme24]

I think we all have a little in common. Its weird reading your heart felt storie and seeing how much I can relate. I was In a toxic relationship for almost three years...the past year and a half I stayed pretty much for one purpose...and that was because he accepted my herpes and I didn't want to have to face it. I didn't want to be alone with it. I didn't like myself before herpes, so being alone WITH herpes absolutely terrified me. The point came where we had to break up. And I was left with "what do I do now?" I have never neen alone and I had had pushed herpes aside for so long. I thought "whose going to want me now?" Time came to disclose to a potential new partner and my anxiety rose like no other. I took xanax and surprised I didn't have an o/b from the stress. A few weeks after he processes it, he rejected me.

 

My whole world turned upside down. I was in a very very dark place for days. It was probably the lowest and ugliest I have felt. At that point I just wanted to go running back to my ex. But after going to one really good friend of mine and with a lot of support on this forum and reading the success stories, I know there is hope. I know I have to learn how to love myself...alone...no matter how long thw journey. Just like you...I am a successful, caring woman. Any man would be lucky to have me. Heck. I have a lot to offer :) and as Adrial put it best...which will always stick with me..."the only thing he dodged is the chance to get to know an amazing woman." :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thank you guys for the support and encouragement. I appreciate all of it. Very very much. Time heals all wounds. clinging to that saying as hard as I can.

[WCSDancer2010]

Hey - go watch the 2 links I put in this thread - it may help you understand some of what you are going through :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1949/vulnerability-shame-and-herpes-brene-brown#Item_1

 

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

checked and posted. :)

[hope75]

Glad you feel better

 

And aerial that is freaky !

I don't label my self really, only when it sys we are the most intelligent sign hahah !! Xx

[Peggy]

Defeated.....you sound like you have way too much spirit to even have that word included in your username :-) I wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you felt this way the other night I know what a lonely horrible feeling it is to feel alone in all of this in the beginning for me 5 months ago it was total devastation! but then everything changed.... and to be honest I hope you're reading all of the threads that adrial places on this website. I promise if you take it step by step and just remember its you that is important. I have played that every terrible scenario in my head believe me! There is so much freedom and acceptance in just realizing it is what it is..once you have accepted this it really clears your mind and enables you to move forward. in a similar situation that you are with the gentleman at least regarding what you have posted obviously we don't know the details...there is no one that can make you feel better about having this except for you. people can tell us what we want to hear but deep down it comes from inner acceptance. I cannot stress enough the value in the tools on this website they changed my life forever! Just take it step by step and love yourself and take time to breathe. I feel so sad that you're hurting the way that you are I'm always happy to talk if you need a friend.