Success stories for women over 40??? Need to hear the realities please...

[PresentMoment]

Ok just a bit of humor - I had surgery 6 years ago to fix my lady bits after delivering a large baby & a previous pelvis injury. I spent 9 years celibate raising my daughter. WTF - I have a new vagina, I should be able to share the love!! Shut down 4 months into my Debutante!!

I have gone from acceptance, to angry, to sad, frustrated, so many emotions!! I hope I have balanced by the end of my 3 month waiting period!!

 

[PresentMoment]

I am very excited. My friend has fixed me up with a really quality guy. Age appropriate, educated, executive. We are supposed to get together the weekend of 3/10. He has seen a picture of me, thinks I'm pretty. I have seen pictures of him, not the young guys I have messed around with lately, but attractive. We have not talked, prefer to do that in person. If I am interested, I am going to take it slow, build an emotional connection before I disclose.

The timing of this was perfect- I have been on an emotional roller coaster. This gives me something to look forward to, even if it doesn't manifest into a relationship. So I have two weeks to "get my shit together!"

After my initial diagnosis I was so upbeat- after my STD testing and further research on HSV, I went to the dark side!!

Hope I am past that!! I will keep you updated- hope you all find your special guy!!

 

[LoveTheMountains]

That's great @PresentMoment! I love looking forward to meeting someone new : ) I hope you get to process some of the stuff you're dealing with between now and then and are able to have a great time on the date regardless of the outcome. Keep us posted! I am trying to pull back after the whirlwind of dates and unexpected men in my life the last two weeks. I realized two things; one I need to heal from the narcissist ex-fiancé or I risk involving myself with another person like that easily since I'm still feeling vulnerable, and two; the flurry of recent men (all age appropriate and mostly nice/good guys) has made me feel that yes, I can still meet a great person...I just need to get myself back to a good place again before i do that. With that said...I have coffee date that popped up before I could get my online dating profile hidden lol and an unexpected reconnection with a man in the herpes community that I went out with on a friendly but promising get-togethers about 5 years ago. I have actually never met anyone who didn't just want a fling on h dating sites so I've never dated in our "club". We'll see how this goes. I had a crush on this guy back then but he chose someone else at the time to pursue and I moved on. I feel nothing anymore but I am looking forward to catching up as friends!

[LoveTheMountains]

Just adding an update in my life...I feel I have a disclosure coming up soon. Went on a second date last night with the "coffee date" I mentioned in my last comment. It went wonderful and there were genuine sparks (I was just trying to get it over with because he is someone who reached out before I hid my online profile but I went into it thinking its a one and done date haha). We even had unexpected kiss. He wants to get together next week. Hopefully I will be in good condition by that date, as I just posted elsewhere a few minutes ago, I woke up with severe pink eye due to taking prednisone for bronchitis (pred suppresses your immune systems and so it probably allowed HSV to rear up and cause this viral conjunctivitis in my eyes...please see other post for my warning about prednisone!) and look like an alien right now! Anyway, I'm starting to feel jitters about disclosing which must mean I kinda like him. So we'll see how it goes...

[PresentMoment]

LoveTheMountains- good luck, hope all goes well!!

I postponed the introduction to "quality guy" until April. I felt like I had to work on my H issues before we meet. Doing so much better, I will be ready in April!!

[LoveTheMountains]

PresentMoment; probably a good call if your struggling still! Easier to disclose and handle all outcomes when your own head is in a good place. I feel similar but more regarding getting over the damage the ex did in my head. Who knows I may back out of this one myself as I know I still have more to work on myself! Keep us posted!

[hwomanntexas7]

I’m 41 and have had type 2 for 2-3 yrs and know for 2 yrs. ive had some very negative reactions and some that were initially ok with it but I think then kinda changed their minds and ghosted. I just started talking to someone new last week and we went on a date on Friday and Sunday. We have so much in common including our age. He has never been married and doesn’t have any kids. Sometimes I think maybe a guy that has been single and dating for 20+ yrs may have some experience with this or may have it versus perhaps a recently divorced guy. I know it could be anyone but my logic is maybe more partners so maybe more likely to have it or meet someone that has it. I havnt told him yet and he’s pretty respectful so I think I can push off sex for a while and let him get to know me. He has told me that Im everything he has been looking for but I say well we are still getting to know each other.

Im just hoping since he seems so nice and into me that when I do tell him it will go positively.

Ugh

[LoveTheMountains]

@hwomanntexas7

Glad to hear you are out there enjoying the dating scene, albeit nervously! lol I've gotten to where I hold off sex longer than I used to and spend plenty of quality of time trying to get to know someone and what they are really about for reasons having nothing to do with herpes! Peoples' motives, personalities, skeletons in the closets, etc are all over the map these days and it pays to just take the time and get to know someone, plus I really enjoy quality dating and have found some guys do too. Wish I had dated like this when I was much younger. There's something a little more serene and at ease in my dating life these days.

 

I recently went on 3 dates with a guy I was certain I would be having the talk with, glad I got to date 3... certain aspects of his personality started to show through the cracks and he is not someone I'd really like to spend more time with. Well it was fun while it lasted and I didn't have to deal with any disclosure drama on someone who wasn't right for me.

 

Keep us posted on how it goes- good or bad, we're here to support you!

 

[Sunset]

53 here and back out there. Met a guy and although turns out he too is H2 positive, I'm finding that although I'm glad we had sex sooner - had to see if I could!!! and I can!!! again - but there are some quirks coming up 5 weeks in and only 4 dates in.

 

That said, I'm with @LoveTheMountains - it's kinda interesting to wait on having sex. There was a man in my life for years and I just broke it off with him yesterday. Don't know if he gave me H or not but things have been so off and on that I finally was like, who cares - I'm Out and moving on as he isn't ready for more. All good and well, one more H talk avoided.

 

Don't know - just gotta keep putting it out there and see what bites... and hopefully in a sweet fine way ifn' ya know what I mean. :)

[Lvsandy]

I was diagnosed in jan of 2017 when my then boyfriend asked for testing (he didn't test for hsv) I was 41 at the time. we only lasted a few months. I went over a year without even wanting to date and then I did reach out and try with someone I met last year. I thought he was perfect and we made plans for my bday to meet up. well thanks to my period I let him know that we would not be having sex. he then blew me off and ghosted which sent me into a what the hell is wrong with me week and subsiquent OB, which I have not had since January of this year. 

it has to get better right?? this sight has been so supportive and I have read some great success stories. I just hope for all of us that its not the end of the world because I certainly feel like it is 😞

[Acceptance]

 Hello girls,

I am two weeks into my diagnosis and everyday gets a little better. Meditating and praying my fanny off!  I too feel the age issue as I am 39 and still would like to have a kid. Right now I am trying to read as much as possible and of course my biggest fear is rejection. I wore a really sexy outfit to try help me feel attractive again.  The second day after my diagnoses thankfully had signed up for a yoga retreat and wept a good bit. I realized then when I was praying that acceptance was the key. From myself and others. However, the sharp agonizing fear of rejection and judgment keeps bubbling up. Any tips on how to work through this? Also, there were a few references to 3 months. What is that timeframe referring to? Thank you all for sharing and grateful to have have found this forum. 

[Sunshine75]

On 2/3/2018 at 12:46 AM, optimist said:

But you are now in a decade of life in which 93% of all people your age (40s) have HSV.

@optimist where does this statistic come from? I’m new to all of this— as a single woman in her 40’s, but I’ve not heard a stat this high before. I’d be curious to read more if there is a study or other info for this rate.

thanks!

[LoveTheMountains]

Hi ladies, 

Its been awhile since I posted to this thread. Just got on here to tell share a successful disclosure that happened yesterday (and some really good sex - I feel like I'm blushing as I right this lol!).  I, had kinda laid low on the dating scene back in March due to realizing I still have quite a few unresolved issues from a break up with someone I was engaged to last year as well a lot going on in my life that was a priority over dating. I'm still dealing with all of this but definitely seeing light at the end of the tunnel and more recently realized I needed to have some fun in my life again. (BTW I had been making time for fun but kept strictly to stuff that did not involve the opposite sex so I could just remove that option from the table).

Anyway, a co-worker 10 years younger has been flirting with me for months.   Since I was in my "me-time" zone I was really oblivious to his advances until he point blank asked me to hang out.  Actually still somewhat oblivious while hanging out until he actually kissed me lol!  For the record this is not someone I want to have a serious relationship with due to clear maturity differences and goals/stages we are at in life  (I'm not opposed to dating younger men but I'm an old soul to begin with so the differences can be very glaring for me with some guys even my own age). Anyway, he's super hot, fun, funny, intellectual, and we had a great time making out and talking the first night.  He wanted to have sex then but I'm not big into first date hookups.  We have been talking since and yesterday we got together again and things were clearly going to get steamy.

Even though I have finally realized that most if not all of my disclosures are successful on some level, I still get the nervous jitters just before disclosing.  I've found that doing it well before things get too heated is so helpful. So as we were talking about whether we should proceed further physically at some point in the future and I said "I want to tell you about something, I've had HSV for over 20 years" . Anyway he listened to me explain my situation.  He said he heard it was only passable during an outbreak to which I said that is absolultely not true, told him a little about how it passes (shedding, etc), talked about use of condoms and meds to lower the risk but I insisted he be aware it is still a risk and he could still get it for me.  And then kissed me, said he felt so trusting of me now,  and said he felt more than ever he wanted to be physical with me and we couldn't stop after that lol. So much for waiting to get intimate in the future!  He wants to continue to see each other but in the long run I will be moving and he has his plans too.  But this has been really nice I have to say!

 

 

[Ubikwity]

Love The Mountains Thx for sharing your the inspiring story!

[LotusBud]

@Next step

"I really need to hear how life will be sweeter, please send some kind words" 

Here ya go! This is a very nice thread; you can read the ups and downs. What I got from it, is that after the initial shock and grieving, however long that takes; it's all about attitude and perspective. 

I'm 55 and 4 years in with H2. I've got the rest of my life to live and I'm not going to let it be dictated by a microscopic virus. There are rugs to be cut, art to be made, people to love and hug, and even a worthy few to have sex with.  In all, there is too much fun to be had, despite a little rain on the parade!!! 

[Next step]

@LotusBudthank you for reaching out . How long did it take you to get over the initial shock and grief stage? I fear that I may be there for a long time - and being 44 i also feel like time is running out to find that partnership . 

[LotusBud]

Hi @Next step

I would say that it took a few months for me to get thru the grief stages. I was lucky in that I was in a long-term relationship with the guy who gave it to me so didn't have to deal too much with thoughts of rejection, etc. while trying to come to grips with the physical reality of H. I imagine it might take longer if you have to deal with both at the same time. I've come to realize that I am still the same person... worthy of love and a great life. 

My partner  passed away unexpectedly 18 months ago and now I'm starting to look around.  So far I've disclosed once (via text) to what could have been a casual hook up. He didn't really want to play after that, no hard feelings. I wasn't attached so it was pretty easy. And I discovered what a good filter H can be. If the person isn't willing to make the effort, to put the energy into making things work, then that person isn't for me. 

I haven't tried them yet, but was thinking about checking out the H dating sites. I just hope they are better than the regular ones. 🤤

Maybe put thoughts of relationships on the back burner for a few months while you get the hang of having H as part of your life.  You don't need that stress atm. Once you've regained your equilibrium, then go for it!

When some of my other single female friends and I get together (all in our 40s and 50s), we frequently end up talking about guys and wondering where are the good ones. IMO, H has very little to do with finding a decent guy. It might add a challenge, but self - confidence seems to overcome a lot of drawbacks. 

Good Luck!!!

[Next step]

@LotusBud I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

im struggling because rejection was hard for me before this now I can't imagine how it's going to be . A man had to be willing to get a life long virus in order to be intimate with with me . I can't imagine anyone wanting to play that game honestly . I feel defeated . And so very sad . 

[Ishmael]

11 minutes ago, Next step said:

@LotusBud I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

im struggling because rejection was hard for me before this now I can't imagine how it's going to be . A man had to be willing to get a life long virus in order to be intimate with with me . I can't imagine anyone wanting to play that game honestly . I feel defeated . And so very sad . 

Naw, he has to be willing to take a 1% chance of getting a life long virus over the course of a year of regular sex, which is a chance a lot of guys will take, particularly when they find out how hard it is to transmit when you avoid sex during outbreaks, take antivirals, and use condoms. Just look at this thread!

Also, if you want to ease back into the dating scene before easing into disclosing, check out postivesingles.com. It's a dating site for people with an STI. I don't think anyone with herpes needs to limit themselves to it, but it's a good place to start.

[LoveTheMountains]

So this is a an older post I started and I like to dredge it up occasionally because I know there are other ladies out there like me that are often wondering the same thing and might benefit  from hearing a some positive stories.  Plus I've been offline for  awhile and thought I"d pop in and see how life is going for us out there : )

I was out of state the last 6 months for a job and did a little bit of casual dating.  I did end up having sex with one man.  The talk was nothing out of the ordinary.  

I am finally thinking about more seriously getting into the dating scene again with the goal of meeting someone to spend some real time with and see where it goes. I've stayed away from anything potentially serious for about 2 years getting over a break up (which had nothing to do with H btw).  Anyway, unfortunately at this time now I'm dealing with some serious lung issues that have built up in recent years and dr's have not been able to resolve or manage and its become really disruptive of my daily life.  This has really put into perspective again the fact that herpes is small potatoes compared to other health or life issues.  I am WAY more concerned about this health issues and its impact on my life, and about  my prospects of being able to find a relationship due to this new health issue (finding someone who is okay with dealing with someone with a chronic, noticeable illness that could impact "our" daily life).  So while this is more than a bit of a bummer in my life right now, I hope others will take away the message that there are bigger issues than having herpes!

Hope everyone is doing well out there and would love to hear any updates from anyone!