fitgirl

@blindsided the early days are always hard. We all have felt the way you do at some point. The best thing you can do for yourself is start by removing the label in YOUR mind. You are still the same guy you were before you had herpes, herpes doesn't change you and it doesn't define you it just reminds you that there is more to you and to life than looks and sex. There are plenty of women out there that won't judge or reject you over a mere skin condition. The quality wife and family you seek is just as attainable as it was before. I know it feels like your life is over but is really is just beginning. Accept and love yourself for all that you are.... that is step one. This really does get easier just be patient with yourself it takes time to get past the stage you are in but you will get there.

@Mrose90 there is so much I want to say to you..... I will post in the morning but in the meantime, I need you to know that herpes isn't going to ruin your life, it just feels that way right now. After 15+ years with the virus I can tell you that it is JUST a virus. It doesn't define you, it doesn't make you less and it certainly doesn't ruin your life unless you let it. I know exactly how you feel..... I also know what it feels like to own your status and love yourself. You will get there, it just takes time and some help along the way. I will post more tomorrow..... its going to be ok...Trust me.

@hopefaith I can tell you that I live an extremely healthy lifestyle. Well beyond most. As a personal trainer and holistic nutritionist I know the deal. That said....... I had OB'd every 3 to 4 months for 15yrs regardless of what I did or didn't do.... the virus has a mind of its own. I know of people with unhealthy/toxic lifestyles who nevr have OB's and those of us who do everything "right" and get them regularly. There is no rhyme or reason to the virus. You just need to figure out how and why your body deals with it the way it does.

@val that was epic. You did exactly what your soul felt you should do. That's a victory. Feel good about that and be proud. I have always believed that over sharing is far better than under sharing. At least you leave it all on the table. Not every one will pick up what you are putting down but that is the reality of life.... its not even about herpes. This has been a huge learning experience for you, that is worth its weight in gold. Keep going, be proud.... you have done a stellar job being YOU.

It's all a personal choice. The point is privacy. If you are ok to disclose that's cool. If you aren't....that's also cool. We are in an age where everyone wants to know everything about you whether it's relevant or not. We need to protect our personal information so it cannot be used against us or exploited. This is an issue of privacy just as much as it is an issue of "disclosure". Every individual should decide for themselves what they are comfortable with. There is no right or wrong way.

@Marie14 that's fucking awesome. You go girl, I love that you have taken herpes by the balls and owned it. I admire that greatly. You rock.

@Dazedkonfused I always support people doing what they feel is right for THEM. We can never know the realities of other people's lives and relationships so it's not our place to judge. What I do want to say though..... sometimes we tell ourselves what we want to hear. We avoid hard and awkward conversations and tell ourselves it doesn't matter and we brush it under the carpet truly believing it won't matter and it will go away. There is a level of denial in that and it can fester over days, weeks, months and years. I am not disagreeing with your decision because it is completely your decision to make but playing devil's advocate for a minute. What is the downside to having an open discussion with your husband? If it's positive and constructive I don't see why you wouldn't have it. It sounds like you have been through a lot together already and if it really doesn't matter whether he has it or doesn't or whether he knew or not, wouldn't a general discussion be a GOOD thing for your relationship?? Ask yourself why you want to avoid the topic all together and why you don't care about what the cream was for? I think you actually do care but are afraid of the conversation. If you love each other the way you say you do, the talk would do nothing other than bring you closer and would clear your mind (regardless of the outcome). This isn't a deal breaker for you or for him so you have ABSOLUTLEY nothing to lose by having the dialogue. I am just giving you food for thought, at the end of the day it is your life and your choice :)

@2Legit2Quit I am in Canada.... healthfood stores and major grocery chains carry them in the natural foods section. I have a place in California also so when I am in the US, Whole Foods and Henry's carry them. The brand I like is NatraCare it's a cdn brand but you can also get them online. There are likely other brands in the US available as well I just prefer that brand for a variety of reasons.

Ok, but don't assume all the outbreaks in your mouth are herpes. It's not uncommon to have other infections over and above the herpes. You need to be officially diagnosed one way or the other then you can try antivirals to see if they help you handle the symptoms. They are generally very effective!

I found my Ob's always coincided with my cycle. That's a hormonal thing. The tampon is unlikely the culprit. I do suggest to you and all women actually.....that you use organic tampons!! The vag is already vulnerable and if you have an open sore even moreso. Cotton is one of the most highly chemically sprayed crops (coffee beans are right up there too). So the regular tampons will be exposing you to direct access, potential absorption of those chemicals. Just like bpa leaches out of water bottles into your water as it sits there.....tampons hang out in a warm cozy place for hours at a time leaning against the oh so permeable walls of your vag so the less shit in them the better! Just food for thought to add to your list :)

@enlight67 @dancer will have more info for you on this but I wanted to start by saying it doesn't "sound" like herpes at all. I'm not saying you don't have hsv1 but it is highly probable that the symptoms you describe are something else entirely. You can have the sores swabbed when they are active to determine if they are herpes or not. I would recommend seeing and infectious disease doctor to get more tests and a diagnosis. Have you been tested for herpes at all yet or did you just assume that's what it is? You need to get tested if you haven't already. As for the amount of the virus you got.....there isn't really such a thing.....meaning, you only need to be exposed to "enough" of the virus to contract it, there is no superdose of herpes :). How your body reacts is about YOUR body, not a superdose of herpes from your giver. And regardless, she didn't ruin your life, you just have to figure out what it is then you can figure out how to manage it. Once you get things under control you will be just fine. You will be among the 80% of the population and life will resume to normal. Trust me.

I have used the female condom, it does technically cover more area but to be honest, it slips and slides and can get pushed up into the vag. I didn't find it the greatest experience. Taking antivirals and condoms of any kind are the best options we have, risk is going to be present regardless so try not to focus on that which you cannot control :)

@Danaaaaaasaur yep....totally normal! a lot of people get OB's on one or two same spots all the time and then there are people like you and me :) . the reality is, the virus lives in the nerves and the genital/anal nerve pathways are all connected so you can have an OB any place on that pathway. I have had OB's in all of those locations you mentioned and then some! the reality is, you are no more or less contagious because your OB's move....if you are shedding, you are shedding so positions won't make a difference for the most part so don't stress about that. just continue with the antivirals, condoms and avoid sex during prodome and Ob's otherwise sex is going seem like a weird game of twister :)

@jl13 that's crap! aside from the drug interaction concerns it is NONE of anyone's business whether you have genital herpes unless you are sleeping with them or they are coming in contact with your genitals..... so many of the questions on those forms are way out of bounds and in many cases illegal to ask. unless your status has the potential to put a healthcare professional at risk, you need not disclose.

@ivoryrain accept yourself just as he is accepting YOU. He is making an informed decision so relax and let him take responsibility for that decision :). With that in mind...... in my opinion, the suppressive meds would be very helpful to you and him! (if he is H-) there is really no medical evidence that suggests a MAJOR impact on the liver when taking valtrex. It's one of the longest prescribed meds on the market and also one of the safest. Taking 500mg daily would be similar to mild/moderate alcohol intake so the liver risk is quite low. The benefit of taking it is two fold....cuts down on shedding and OB's significantly and just as importantly, it will give you peace of mind. Taking it would help you feel better about the whole situation and allow you to relax and enjoy your sex life. I totally get your desire for his test results, I wanted the same info about my BF and in a twisted way had secretly hoped* he was positive so I didn't have to worry. I unfortunately live in a country (Canada) where they will not test for herpes unless you have an OB. I tried to get my BF tested but the wouldn't do it. I had a doc that said he would but by the time we got to that point my BF said it was pointless, he didn't care. He actually said he wanted to get it so that it wasn't an issue for ME. Of course the last thing I want to do is give him herpes so after 15yrs with the virus (and regular OB' for most of those years) I decided to take the meds. My infectious disease doc was amazing, he gave me all the facts in detail and gave me great confidence in my choice. The valtrex has been amazing for me, I have no OB's for the most part and I feel so much better about doing what I can to protect my man. Once you get all the info, you can make the decision that is right for you, and even if you take the meds now it doesn't mean you will forever just give it some thought. The physical and emotional benefits have far outweighed the negatives for me. Oh, and the OB you may have had after sex is likely from the sex itself, the friction will often trigger an OB. It doesn't mean you have infected him. The valtrex will reduce the friction based OB's also. I have to say, it has made my life so much better...... I don't even think about herpes anymore. (except when I'm on this forum :)

@DazedKonfused the upside here is that he doesn't care you have herpes.....the downside is, he doesn't care nor seems to be at all affected by the news. I generally agree with dancer but there are some niggling questions here that may eat you up over time if you don't get clarity. This isn't a deal breaker either way but for me, I would like to know the truth in the situation if at all possible. Some times you can't know for sure and in that case you have to let it go. In this case, more info would be helpful to your peace of mind. Ask him to get tested and ask him about the cream and "ingrowns" there would be no reason to have the cream unless he gets cold sores? Does he? If he doesn't get coldsores and you both test positive for ghsv2 then his possession of the cream would indicate he knew he had herpes. Don't be accusatory or angry, just be kind and open with your questions, if he did know, like so many people he may have been too afraid to tell you and may have been in denial or ignorance about the virus and transmission (like sooooo many people). Some men tend to minimize the virus more than women and don't always gather the information so this may be a combination of denial and fear (if he knew that is). If you find out that he has the cream for his ghsv2 and didn't tell you, that is a conversation you need to have. We all understand the fear that comes with disclosure but the bottom line is that your relationship needs to be based on openness and honesty regardless of how this plays out. Good luck, keep us posted!

@Leanne27 @2Legit2Quit is right, the early stages of herpes comes with a heavy dose of paranoia and worry about every scratch or tingle. Sometimes they turn out to be OB's and sometimes they don't but regardless, the emotional toll is high and it becomes hard to feel "normal". I have had herpes for 15yrs and would have OB's every 3 to 4 months for most of those years (not typical, most people find they become less frequent over time). I learned to manage the symptoms but did not take meds since at the time my partner was H+. He only got OB's every few years! I always felt sooooo much better when I didn't have an OB both physically and emotionally but I didn't consider the drugs for similar reasons to others, I worried they weren't good for my health. Fast forward to present day......(well, let's say 2yrs ago). I found myself out of the long term H+ relationship and entering into a new one with a man I dated 20yrs prior. The disclosure part of the story is relevant to another thread but let's just say it went well :). This man is H- so I, like everyone here, wanted to research and figure out my best path. It was ADRIAL that swung the vote for me on taking the meds, he gave me all the facts and reasons why I should. The number one reason was to protect my partner. I contacted my dr and he assured me that herpes medication is extremely safe and has been used for many many years with very few side effects for most users. He was extremely helpful and informative so with that confidence I filled the prescription. LET ME TELL YOU....... it has been amazing!!! For 2yrs I have been on 500mg of valtrex daily (generics worked really well for me too but we can no longer get them in Canada). I have gone from having 5-8 OB's a year to ONE OB in 2yrs and that one went away in 2 days. The valtrex has taken herpes from being a constant reminder in my life to something I only think about when I take the pill. It is life changing to not have constant OB's and I also feel good about doing what I can to protect my man. I am not sure I will take the meds ongoing forever, but I am not quitting them any time soon. I would suggest you try them for a while to get yourself in a better headspace then, over time, try going without them. It's too soon to know how your body will deal with the virus long term but in most cases the OB's get fewer and fewer as the body adapts. The medication is worth the mental health benefits just as much as the physical ones.

@tc50 as dancer and positively beautiful have said, the anti virals, condoms and body awareness will vastly reduce your risk. Shedding happens without symptoms but if you are using condoms and he is on anti-virals, you risk is very minimal. And..... YOU have herpes :). Once you have herpes in one location of your body it is EXTREMELY rare to get the same herpes elsewhere (if you have had the virus for a while). There are apparent cases on this forum where someone has type 1 in two locations but every doctor (and I have some really exceptional ones) I have asked has indicated that one you have herpes, you won't catch it again in another place on your body. Speaking of the same type in two places. Obviously in this world there is always someone who will beat all odds and all stats but it is simply not the norm. In the event he has type 2 then yes it is possible for you to give him type 1 and for him to give you type 2. HSV2 orally is another one of those anomalies.... very very rare. But you already have herpes orally (and we are assuming it's orally because you don't have OB's) so..... once again, you already have herpes girlfriend! The question now becomes whether you are willing to take the risk to get MORE herpes :) This is the part of reasoning I don't understand..... I don't get why people are more afraid and more stigmatized by genital herpes than oral herpes. Its herpes for fuck sakes! You kiss more people than you sleep with and your mouth is visible for the world to see if you get a coldsore YET a person with genital herpes can have a full blown OB and no one would ever know, they put less people at risk of transfer merely by location and "how" you get it. You kiss friends, children, parents..... yet you didn't know you had herpes and wouldn't know when you are shedding. See my point here? If your guy doesn't have hsv1, then HE will now also be in a position to decide if he wants to take the risk of MORE herpes. If he has GHSV1 then you are both golden as far as I see it. Bottom line, think this through with your new information and come to a decision YOU are comfortable with. Just remember 80% of the population has herpes, is it worth giving up a relationship because of it? Chances are, the next guy you meet will have it too :)

@bootox I very much understand that men worry a lot about their "junk". They worry if they are big enough, hard enough, using it right, of the women are satisfied, if the women will satisfy them..... with all the pressures surrounding men and their penises, adding herpes to the list can be pretty traumatic. BUT.... the reality is, women don't think so much about your penis! Most women (the good ones anyway) are more interested in who you are as a man. Are you considerate, loving, honest, supportive.... ? Sex is an important part of a relationship but it's hardly number one on the list so if you focus on being the best man you can be, the herpes thing won't be much of an issue. Stop focusing on your penis and start focusing on everything you have to offer as a person. GOOD men meet GOOD women and herpes is not a deal breaker when that happens :)

@tc50 much credit to your guy for being open and honest with you (so many aren't-or don't know) and much credit to you for gathering all the information to make an INFORMED decision. I will say this for you to think about..... the risk you would be taking with a man who KNOWS he has herpes, KNOWS his symptoms and had fully disclosed to you is technically a FAR LOWER risk than sleeping with a man who is unaware of his status (or doesn't disclose). As you will learn, most new cases of herpes are contracted from people who DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD IT! Taking precautions to protect you during shedding is actually going to make your risk very low and if he can take the anti-virals, it will further reduce your risk in a BIG WAY. He doesn't have to be on them forever but in new relationships it's important for the herpes positive partner to do everything they can to minimize the risk. Eventually you can decide together whether or not to continue. As you move forward and get to know this guy, try to remember what dancer said.... all decisions in life involve risk, if you decide not to pursue a sexual relationship with him, do it because you don't see a future with HIM not because he has a skin condition called herpes.

@Legit2Quit yep..... Herpes has never scared any partner off in my experience. I have been lucky that way. A big part of that "luck" is my own confidence and attitude towards myself and the virus. I have had my share of worries when disclosing but I never once believed that a rejection of the virus would have been a rejection of ME. Depending on where a relationship is at, some people may choose not to take the risk and that's OK. In my case, I knew the men well and they knew me well and as a result they were ALL in! They wanted me and we're prepared for whatever that meant. After a while (of protected sex and suppressive meds) these men stopped caring whether they got herpes or not and actually didn't see it as a big deal. They wanted to contract it so I could stop worrying!! I was more concerned about giving it to them than they were concerned about getting it. The man I am with now is declining the use of condoms and doesn't care if I'm having prodrome symptoms. He has decided he is going to get it and is just not worrying about it! I am still on valtrex but he doesn't want me to be, I am on it because it has made a huge difference in my OB frequency. I have had herpes for over 15yrs and the quality of life for ME on the medication is worth staying on it for a while. Life goes on with herpes, you adjust and you get on with living. It doesn't define you and won't make you unwanted or unlovable. We all have out issues and imperfections, herpes is hardly something you should allow to get in the way of true happiness. @KTK is a prime example..... she is adapting to the physical symptoms of herpes after contracting it from her husband but once the OB's are under control, life will be the SAME or even better. Herpes can actually act as a unifying element in our lives and bring us closer..... look at what happens every day on this forum. People come together and support each other in ways they would have never received support if they didn't have herpes and find themselves here.

@2legit2quit I have had a few partners who have wanted to just catch it from me and be done with it! Not everyone runs for the hills :) @KTK over time the OB's will get better...Hard to say how long that will be but it won't be this bad forever. As dancer said, try other things in the bedroom. I have had OB's in all different places on my genitals and anus and at times they were pretty painful but I did find that as long as I wasn't causing friction right on the OB's, the stimulation made the pain subside during sexual play. Lots of sex toys in my collection... I use them based on what's going on down south but I have never stopped sexual play for longer than a few weeks. Give it a try!

@Hopeful89 good to hear you ditched him! That is some seriously dangerous type of behavior, he is obviously BAD news. Empowering yourself will lift you up and help you grow and move forward to a better life without this guy. Staying would be far more scary than leaving. Life with herpes is just that LIFE with herpes :). You will be just fine! Focus on what fulfills you and makes you happy, the rest will fall in to place.

@whitedaisies @WCSDander2010 ummmm.... not sure where in Canada you are but I'm not certain you need a referral to an OB. I didn't need one, I just called. Canada may not like to test for herpes but our Healthcare is inclusive and extremely good (contrary to popular belief) Also, you can go to an STI clinic for free, without even needing to use your real name. I have had exceptional care and the utmost of respect and knowledge at my local sti clinic. We need to be out own advocates and seek out the help that is offered.

@bookworm88 if you haven't had intercourse with anyone other than your husband and no one has performed oral sex on YOU then it's likely that your husband is the carrier. That said..... he could easily have not known he had herpes (like most people who have it) and it only takes one exposure so he cannot at all be to blame. Herpes is a virus that doesn't discriminate. It doesn't make you bad or dirty. It's just a virus, it doesn't have to define you. As for the white discharge, that's probably yeast. It is pretty typical for females to get yeast infections especially if taking meds. Btw, men have just as many yeast infections as women, they just call it jock itch :). Get on a regular regimen of probiotics and the yeast will clear! There is no blame in this situation, just the realities of a sexual life. You have a husband who loves you and he didn't know he had herpes. That's soooooo very normal.