RegularGuy

Don't let fear control your actions! I can personally attest that telling a partner right away might cause a lot of anxiety on your part, but it builds a great deal of trust for the other person. They have a right to know that your symptoms could effect them, and they will not take it lightly if they are put off or worse, deceived. There are a lot of stories regarding disclosure and the common denominator is fear. Fear is a powerful motivator for everyone, but it is a terrible resource for making decisions. Reading through the archive of threads on the subject, I see a theme: Failure to disclose right away leads to heartache, emotional distress, and guilt. From my personal experience, and others', disclosing right away leads to thoughful discussion, emotional empathy, and a much MUCH higher degree of acceptance. So there is choice. I was in a relatively new relationship when I first had symptoms of a UTI. I told her right away, literally. She became immediately supportive. When my symptoms progressed, and I had blisters, I called her and told her before I did anything else. She reassured me that things weren't over, and we would talk about it after I saw a doctor. When I was diagnosed, I called her and told her as soon as I left the doctor's office. She again assured me that we would stick together, and that she would be there for me any time for support. When I got depressed, I called her and she came to my rescue. When I was angry, she calmed me and made sure I felt comforted. When I struggled to get out of bed and carry on, she called me and promised that the day would be okay. Disclose immediately, and be rightly afforded the opportunity to experience all of these things. Fail to disclose, and receive none of them. I am so glad that I choked back my fear, and that I chose to do the right thing. Having talked to my girlfriend about it plenty over the past few months, I know she would have left me if I had tried to hide it. Even if I had abstained and waited for symptoms to clear, she would have become hurt that I ignored her and kept something secret (either about my view of her, or a fact about myself). She would have left without a second thought if I hadn't been completely honest and did so right away. Fear of things ending would have ended things. Disclose.

Sorry to hear that, man. I think you are right that some fear about disclosing right away. It may have shaken her trust, but it is definitely not hopeless. You can demonstrate that you are still capable of being trustworthy, honest, supportive and strong for her! She will come to you looking for compassion and she will also read your behavior to sense whether you are capable of being positive and happy. You got this, dude! Keep being the great person you have always been! Picture a future where herpes doesn't define you, or your relationship! Stay tough and don't get defensive when she comes at you with hard questions, or some negativity. She will be feeling a lot of the same things you are, and you can use that common ground to build trust and cohesiveness. But try to maintain the kind of positive conversation you have always had with her as much as possible. Try not to let herpes be the last word of the conversation, keep the dialogue going until you can naturally turn things to a more 'normal' subject. She will see that you haven't spontaneously transformed into a different person.

Gather up your courage and your pride! You have much to be proud of, I am sure. Everyone does! Tell him with confidence, "I care about you, and I want you know that I have tested positive for herpes before we get physical." The virus does not define you, and you have lots of good things to offer the right kind of person! This is an opportunity to demonstrate honesty, integrity, and compassion for the person you care about!

Good luck! It's a really tough deal, but if you demonstrate patience and understanding, she will wrap her head around the situation and realize you are the same great guy you always have been! She will probably have a lot of questions to ask you, and some of them may trigger a defensive response in you. Be prepared to calm the emotions you feel and be open, honest, and caring. That's literally all it takes!

I have noticed oral HSV1 can cause out breaks when one person has one shares a drink, or gets physical with another person who didn't already have an out break. Not personal experience, just have seen it happen a few times in the past. Personally, I choose to abstain while having an out break just to avoid triggering symptoms for my girlfriend (as we both have ghsv1). It may well be 'extra cautious', but much like sharing the flu, I'd rather not possibly spend a month exchanging symptoms. An occasional out break is more than plenty in my mind. That said, I will point out that this is not based on any real science, and your question is probably best answered by a doctor.

@misslistless It's good to know you are so aware of your mental process! Your strong resolve and positivity will absolutely have a big impact on your relationship! I have mentioned before, but it bares repeating that you should also be aware that the first person that accepts you as you are, knowing your diagnosis generally is the subject of a skewed level of gratitude. If things are good in all the important aspects of relationship for you, give yourself permission to enjoy it! However, if you find yourself balancing controlling or malicious behavior on their part with the fact that they accept your condition, take a step back and evaluate if the relationship is a good one. I went through a couple of weeks of uncertainty with this, but the woman I am with consistently demonstrates so many positive qualities, my doubt was quickly dissolved. Your decision to seek suppressive therapy is a good one in my opinion, fear is a very powerful thing, and has a big impact on daily life. Fearing the next out break is a real problem at this stage for you, and the security blanket style peace of mind offered by medication (in addition to all of the other benefits) has been a consistent help for me personally. I think most people who first get diagnosed would benefit from gaining a little comfort from "at least doing something about it" by taking a daily pill. Regarding your boyfriend's test results, it may help to decide that either way, you won't hold on to anger or fear. I was admittedly upset with my girlfriend's results, and it caused more anger and doubt than I can describe. But she remained honest, supportive and thoughtful, regardless of the tough line of questions I had to throw at her. Since then, we have made it a point that it is okay to talk about herpes, but that it should not be a defining facet of our day to day. We seem to naturally balance herpes conversations with intentionally turning the subject to something positive and fun before we part ways. This is a really good system, it can be as simple as pointing out something about the other person that you really like once you have concluded your venting about the disease. Overall, I have to tell you that I am impressed, and I know that you have all of the tools and abilities you need to steer your thoughts in a positive direction to get yourself feeling "normal" again. When things get tough, and you begin to despair, remember to imagine the future and to make it a future where you have herpes, but it doesn't stop you from being the awesome person you always have been!

@misslistless Thank you for the feedback! I never thought my own rambling would make any difference. Terrible to have so much inner turmoil going on during the holidays. Not that it's much easier any other time of year. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this anyway. I am definitely familiar with the sudden bouts with depression. I found myself feeling like I never knew what thought or what circumstance would bring me down. Rest assured that you will regain your pride, and you have tons of achievements and success ahead of you. Constantly seeking self improvement inherently comes with a lot of disapointments, but if you live that lifestyle already, you are familiar with facing the bitter reality of your own abilities (or lack thereof). I took a lot of comfort in realizing that there are many things I will never achieve perfection with in my own mind, and this is just another thing I won't attack and destroy. Think of it more like managing cardio: there are things you can do to help, but you're never going to be perfect all the time (age, illness, lack of getting outside and running every day). Just don't take it as defeat. I am fortunate in having a very kind and supportive relationship, if I can find that, anyone can. For me now, only a few months after finding out, I still get down about it sometimes however I have so much success and good things to look back on already! You'll see, it won't make an ounce of difference in the long run! Update on the second out break: I'm still uncomfortable most of the time, but it isn't painful. It might be more psychological than physical at this point, though. TMI: If you have symptoms in the anus area, I'd recommend staying away from spicy foods, haha! Anyway, I had a really awesome Christmas with my girlfriend, and I spent the holiday sharing good memories and reflecting on all the many things I have to be grateful for. Herpes is no longer a major subject of thought for me, but it has changed some things. I chose not to let it define me, and it doesn't!

The only thing you can do is start respecting his right to decide for himself, be supportive, and patiently understand that it will take as long as it takes to establish trust. If he wants to talk to you, even if it is harsh, try to remind yourself that it means he wants to straighten out his thoughts so that he can feel comfortable with you, and confident that you aren't hiding more potentially painful surprises for him to discover after the fact. You're in a really difficult position, and I'm sorry that you are going through it! I think the best thing you can do is to tell him that you understand that he is thinking about breaking up, and that you know you screwed up. But that you want to prove to him that you care about him, and want things to be really good between you. However long it takes to build trust, you will be patient and understanding. It is true that he may already have contacted the virus and has been asymptomatic. However I wouldn't recommend pointing this out, as it may insult him and make it seem you are trying to minimize and deflect. If you get the opportunity to take responsibility, and to come through as genuine and understanding, he may feel better about a future with you. That's really tough, and I'm sorry things went this way! Good luck!

Honestly don't know much about immune systems and bone marrow, but I can tell you TONS of people have HSV and take medication for it. My pharmacist told me that they order nearly as much valacyclovir as they do blood pressure meds, and it flys off the shelf almost as fast. That means there are a lot of people taking meds for it. Dating is difficult, though. I have spent a lot of time single before I was diagnosed. It took me a very long time to find someone I was comfortable with, then found out I had herpes a couple of months after we started dating. Remember that dating is not a big deal, and if you fear rejection, try talking to a few people you are interested in at the same time. When I was dating, I found that having a couple of interests helped lessen the ego bruising of being turned down. I'm not saying sleep with whoever, I am very much a "one thing at a time" person in fact. But just having conversation and making plans to meet for a date with more than one person at a time is totally fair, and helps make one bad date matter much less.

You certainly could take the medicine daily, as long as your doctor doesn't think it will harm you or conflict with other meds. I find that the medicine doubles as an effective helping hand to my immune system, as well as a kind of security blanket for me emotionally. As far as your canker sores, they might actually be the herpes virus, as it is not impossible. Sorry to read that you're having to struggle with symptoms and uncertainty. Many of us here know what that is like. I'm sure you have probably read some of the threads here, you may find there are other people going through / have gone through similar circumstances. If you want to be able to talk to someone individually, and haven't already, feel free to post in the "herpes buddies" thread. I got a lot of really great support from people there, even being able to talk about some non-herpes stuff really helped me in a difficult time.

I know that kind of sorrow is really difficult to deal with. I'm sorry to know you have struggled so much. Remember that you have so much to look forward to, and so much more good you can offer! Thank you for searching for reassurance, rather than hurting yourself. We are all here because we have felt some degree of anger, shame and sorrow. We can at least support each other without judgement, and without pretense. This community has been really good at that for me. I hope that you have someone close to you that you can talk to about things. If not, feel free to reach out to us here. If things get really difficult, or you have trouble enjoying things you used to, reach out (or feel free to stalk our threads, haha)! Welcome to the community

From what I understand, canker sores are unrelated. It's only been a couple of days since you started medication, and probably a week or less since your symptoms first showed up. Everyone has it different, but I have ghsv-1 and it took a few weeks for my symptoms to clear and the sores to heal fully. Keep focusing on the future, and know that you will heal from this. I would also recommend staying on medication for a few months, as I recently developed a second out break after a couple of months of recovering from my first.

3 month update: Unfortunately, I'm having another out break. This time around my anus, and it is very painful. I am somewhat certain that this is not a result of shaving, as I had not shaved for about 2 weeks before the out break began showing symptoms of general itching in the whole butt-crack area. It's been about a month since I stopped taking my daily suppression medicine (1000mg valacyclovir), and the timing seems to suggest that the virus found nerve pathways to move along. I am back on valacyclovir 1000mg once a day, and will continue for at least a year at my doctor's recommendation. Likely, I will stay on the meds for the rest of my life, as this out break has caused a small, but noticeable amount of depression. My girlfriend remains supportive, and understands that the out break as completely ruined my libido. Even if it hadn't, I would still insist on abstaining anyway. Thankfully, my girlfriend is very much onboard with doing things together that will help take my mind off herpes, and with the holiday coming up, I couldn't be more grateful. I'm not drowning in a pit of misery, and I'm not falling apart from symptoms of the virus. But it is shaming, and I am uncomfortable most of the time. I don't think this outbreak will last as long as my first, and the general cold-like symptoms are much less this time. But I would recommend to anyone that has contracted herpes recently to consider staying on medication for a year to help prevent possible recurring out breaks. I would also recommend waiting longer than I did before shaving pubic hair, as there is a possibility that I accidentally spread the virus. Giving more time to let your immune system compensate is probably a good idea.

Hard to say. From what I remember, Australia has more relaxed rules about medication that the U.S. (where I am from), but I'm not sure that you can get more than 30 or so pills at a time there. I would think that explaining your travel plans may help you get the medicine you need, but I couldn't say for certain.

I have to agree that if it weren't for this site, I would feel really ashamed and alone. Being able to talk to members here has really been a big factor in how I feel about myself and my future. Try to focus on the goals you already have, and remember that herpes can't stop you from achieving them. As far as relationships, many of us here have enjoyed both causal and serious relationships after being diagnosed. Herpes really can't stop you from being who you are, and doing the things that make you feel successful, accomplished, and valuable! I would recommend that you focus on doing the things that give you a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. For me personally, I kept striving in college and work, and enjoyed success in both, despite feeling really depressed at the same time. Once I got to look back on those small increments of success, I began to feel like I hadn't really changed at all. I also made a plan to go to a concert I had convinced myself to skip just prior to my diagnosis. Having a fun event planned gave me something exciting to look forward to, and helped to lessen my feelings of shame and defeat. Don't worry, because things will get easier. And you will continue to be just as good at chasing down goals as you always have been!

I can tell you from my experience that whether he tests positive or negative, you will have a million questions anyway. It's not easy to keep a relationship on a "rainbows and roses" status when you are dealing with finding out about this stuff. The conversations I had with my girlfriend were not easy, but they turned out to be really positive and have really strengthened our relationship. There are a lot of opportunities in your situation to witness the other person's (and equally important, your own) capacity for empathy, compassion, and resolve. It's really good to know that your breaking the news went well. You certainly are reasonable in wanting him to get tested right away, as the knowledge will dictate a lot about how you handle getting physical. Remember that you are still your awesome self, and try to communicate about what you are struggling with in a way that doesn't burn bridges. I had a really hard time communicating when I was feeling ashamed about sex, I've gotten better about it, but it did lead to some turn downs and some bruised ego on a few occasions. It's hard to say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to. I'm feeling bad about my situation, and it's not your fault." But it is necessary. Also, remember that it is possible to feel like you owe something to the first person who accepts you with knowledge of your diagnosis. If things turn out to not work with this person, try not to feel trapped by that. It takes a lot of introspection to maintain a relationship at a time like this, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings.

Right on, man! I wonder if it has something to do with not wasting tine with people who aren't genuinely interested, but there are probably a lot of factors. Glad to hear you always disclose and have not let the fear of rejection become an excuse to take advantage of people! There are many people who could benefit from that example!

I was watching a Hulu show with some of my friends who don't know called future man. One of the main characters has oral herpes and makes a comment along the lines of, "They call it herpes simplex virus, but there is nothing simple about it." I laughed, they didn't. Awkward. But it's easy to be self conscious and weird about stuff when you're stuck in your head with tons of stigma and shame. Doesn't make you less human. And the reality is, chances are someone that was there was thinking the same thing you were.

@anonymousprince True, that us H+ peeps develop resistance to future spread of the virus, but everyone's immune system is different. Also, regarding congenital herpes (I think that's the right term for passing from mother to baby) requires direct contact with the virus. That would be a risk primarily if the mother were having an out break (and most likely an initial out break) during labor. A C-section would substantially reduce that risk, but it seems like the medical community is mostly concerned with active sores more than just having the virus passively present in the mother. As always, I recommend talking to your doctor about concerns regarding yourself and your specific situation.

First, talk to the guy and ask the questions you need answered from him. Given the timing, it is possible he may have passed it, but it is also possible you carried the virus without symptoms for a while. 1. Valacyclovir increased my blood pressure a lot if I took it without eating a meal first. Try taking with food, and see if that helps. 2. Can't help ya. Sorry. 3. I waited about 2 months before I started to feel confident that my first outbreak was over, and my immune system had a chance to get up to speed. Personal thing, not based on much science. 4. Not sure, I assume very similar to genital. 5. Healing is different for each person. Some people never hear from herpes again, some people have many follow up out breaks. When I found out, I had been with my current girlfriend for a couple of months. I told her right away as symptoms developed, and test results came back. I told her I understood if she was thinking about leaving me, and we talked about it plenty. Then her blood test results came back positive, and I had a billion tough questions to throw at her She legitimately never knew she had herpes, and thought she had been tested. Unfortunately, there is a large percentage of people who have it and don't know it. Keep looking forward to the future. Remember this doesn't change who you are!

Ozone (O3) isn't the same thing as Oxygen (O2), and your body treats each totally differently. I don't know much about microbiology, but there may be some legitimate benefit. However, like many unconventional medical procedures, the longevity of effects, and even effectivity as a whole, may be based on pure speculation, or coincidence. I wouldn't invest a lot of hope (or money) in it. If you are looking to suppress symptoms, valacyclovir seems to be the most effective option, along with reducing stress, diet, etc... Holistic medicine as an idea isn't completely wrong, but often times, benefits are negligible compared to cost. If symptoms are ruining your day, it might be worth it to seek some small measure of relief, however temporary.

I might be able to help: I have gone through something similar. I had my first out break of GHSV-1 a few months after dating my current girlfriend. I told her about it right away as symptoms developed, and my test results came back. I told her it was okay if she was considering leaving me, and we had some discussions about the whole issue off and on. We decided to stick together, because so many facets of our relationship have been going really well. But you have to decide for yourself what is important to you. On the one hand, transmission of herpes in a relationship is likely (not 100%, as other members here can attest). On the other, a really great relationship is a rare thing. I would recommend that you not let fear of being alone trap you in a poor relationship. That doesn't work out in the long term. However, if things are good, and being in a relationship with this person really is good for you, it may be worth looking past ghsv-1. Only you get to decide that.

The thing about the statistics is that they can be extremely misleading. 2% chance means 2% of all non-outbreak days, ignoring all other factors, you could transmit. It's just a mathematical way of saying contact with the virus will result in transmission, and there is a possibility of contact with the virus even outside out break days. The likelihood of today being that day is 2%, average across an entire year. 2% of 365 is 7.3. So across a year there will be about 7.3 days you are shedding the virus without evidence (more or less, it's not the same for any 2 people). The math seriously is not natural law, it's just an interpretation of a bunch of facts compared to each other. TONS of H+ people use this seemingly low number to excuse not getting consent before getting physical. Everyone deserves to be informed and the opportunity to give consent. As far as actually having casual sex, yup! Get consent and go for it! In a relationship, herpes is pretty much a thing that you manage. Double check yourself with a simple "Am I feeling certain this won't be a risk?", Just like you already do with taking steps to decide when pregnancy occurs. All it takes is a little forethought. As in, "I might get lucky, I will have condoms on hand, and consider this person's well-being." No matter if you think the other person is special or not, consent is absolutely vital. Not critiquing your situation, just trying to dispel some of the myths surrounding the math. Because, as we have all seen in politics, math can be used to push an agenda.

@wendy7 Fortunately, time is our ally in a lot of ways. Time to look at ourselves objectively, and see our flaws, beyond herpes. But also time to see our redeeming qualities, too! Time to find someone who means what they say, and does not simply offer lip service. Time to put anger and depression into perspective, and find that there is ample reason to feel both satisfaction and gratefulness. I understand your struggle in regard to not eating so much. Stress suppresses my appetite as well. While in the short term, it did help improve my cardio, it has become unhealthy. Compounded by the fact that I lack the interest and the will to exercise, I have to admit that I am letting myself slip. However, I don't take it as a defeat. In becoming a balanced person overall, I have been focusing more on creative hobbies like writing. So it's a wash in my mind for now. Similarly, you may find your interests changing somewhat. Considering the timeframe of your diagnosis, certainly steer yourself into as ideal a state as possible. But, don't fall prey to the mindset that every change you experience is inherently negative. Look forward to the future, because it is definitely in your hands for the vast majority. I think I have said it before, to take initiative 100%. I should modify that by addin the caveat: If something is working for you, don't be too quick to discount it.

Figured I'd follow up again, just for my own sake. First, if anyone is curious: I held off on shaving my pubic hair for probably 2 months after I had fully healed from my first out break. I wanted to be confident that I wouldn't cause the virus to spread while my immune system got a relative handle on it. I don't shave every day, only when I am sure I'm not feeling any symptoms at all, and never within a week of the last time. So far, no evidence of spreading. No evidence of a follow-up out break. I consider myself extremely lucky in that. I still get angry sometimes. I still get down on myself about having herpes. It's nothing too terrible, but it happens. It's all too easy to hold on to anger, but no good comes from it. It's all to easy to feel depressed, but it only holds me back from being who I want to be. I still think about herpes pretty often. In the shower, when I see someone I am attracted to, or when I get intimate with my girlfriend. She sure as hell does not understand, and that is frustrating. But, I do my best to keep things even-keel with her, despite some internal conflict about my self-image. I never had to consider that angle before. I used to be very proud of my sexuality. That's not completely gone, just a little more complicated. Hope it passes with time. In some ways, I benefit from a small degree of humility. I don't really like it though, I like my narcissism (at a loss for a more accurate word at the moment). Maybe I'll get it back, maybe I will live with a bit of humbleness.