RegularGuy

I definitely understand needing to write things out. Trust that your wife will appreciate it if you inform her of the situation as it develops, rather than wait for a good time to bring it up. It's not going to be easy either way, but waiting will make it harder for her. Sorry to hear you have some really tough times ahead of you, but if you demonstrate honesty and integrity, it will go a long way in helping to keep things leaning towards a positive result.

Not knowing the circumstances. You could expect legal action to be expensive, time consuming, and yield no (or negligible) profit for you. It would cause anger to linger on more than it probably would otherwise. If these sacrifices are truely made to protect others, then they may be worth enduring. If it is for vengeance, I think you would find that you would not be satisfied with the results anyway.

Sorry to hear you are going through hard times. I don't know about home remedies (personally, I am skeptical about any home remedy in general...) However, if your insurance is decent, you should be able to get a prescription from a walk in clinic. They generally make the process quick and painless, too. I know the self-esteem game in regards to herpes from my own perspective, and it can be a real problem sometimes. Keep in mind that you will start to feel normal more often, and for longer periods, but it won't be a constant trend of improvement. Some days will be easier than others. As far as how your s/o is handling things, it seems like all you can do is keep making effort to be strong and supportive when they need you, and to give them rook to breathe when they need it. Good luck, dude. Remember you haven't spontaneously changed, and things will feel like they once did again.

I also have genital hsv-1. You seem to not have gotten a lot of information from your doctor. so, if you have a primary care physician, I would recommend that you ask them to provide you with some solid answers ro your questions, and also ask for any additional advice they can give you. Sorry to hear you have joined the club, but don't let it get you down too much! There are many MANY people who are dealing or have delt with similar issues, and we here are happy to provide support and advice! More information that you might need: 1. It is possible to spread the virus without symptoms. While it is unlikely, it has happened to people. Precautions you can take include using condoms, taking a suppression medicine (valacyclovir or equivalent), and paying attention to your body to gain understanding of what herpes symptoms feel like for you personally, versus something non-herpes related. 2. It is possible to spread the virus to other parts of your own body. This seems to be most likely to happen early on, before your immune system has a chance to develop into an effective fighter against herpes. Precautions you can take include washing you hands well after touching your genitals, especially if you touch sores directly, and also taking valacyclovir or equivalent. This is not something to have a panic attack over, but it is possible to spread the virus to eyes, mouth, hands, etc. Simply washing your hands with soap and water eliminates the risk. 3. Inform those you intend to have intercourse with of your condition, and help them to get answers to their questions. Consent is vital, and there is never a good reason to rob someone of their right to have consentual sex. There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex, just make sure your partner gets to enjoy it too. 4. Remember that herpes doesn't define you. You are the same great person you have always been, and you will continue to be just as great, always! Finally, I am definitely not a doctor, and everything I state should be taken as a personal opinion. If you want real answers, seek advice from a real doctor. And expect that any doctor should be happy to take the time to explain things in a way that you understand, so that you are equipped with the tools you need to continue to live healthy, happy, and securely! If your doctor doesn't do this, seek a second opinion.

Well, I am not actively seeking someone to converse with in private messages any more. Thanks to those who were there for me when I asked for help! Still, if there are people in the Charleston, SC area who would like to meet as a small group, that would be cool. It doesn't have to be focused around herpes, just being around people who have had similar experiences would be cool. Preferably people who are trying to lead their life, and not let herpes define them.

I'm sorry you are dealing with disappointment from rejection. But you did a really good thing by letting him make his own decision, without false pretenses. It is clear from the many examples on this site that you did the best thing for yourself and for him, despite having to deal with the bruises from being let down. You should take reassurance from the fact that herpes was not the deal breaker here, you weren't sure if he was right for you, and he probably sensed that sentiment himself. It doesn't make either of you wrong, or not good enough. It just means that you weren't and exceptional match for each other. It is rare that finding someone you truely line up with naturally happens fast. Unfortunately, dating typically means meeting every kind of person you wouldn't be happy with before you find someone you could be, and then that other person has to feel the same about you. It's taxing to say the least. You are totally right that loving yourself is a major priority (and I think prerequisite) to finding someone who can love you themself. How could you know what it feels like, if you haven't felt it internally. The sexual enthusiasm and excitement is just icing on the cake. While many people enjoy that icing plenty, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The pursuit of a relationship hosts many additional challenges and doubt, if you haven't expected to encounter some disapointments. If I could make a recommendation, try talking to a few different people you are interested in. There is nothing wrong with exploration, and it certainly helps lessen the impact of being overly invested in one person who may not feel the same way.

It is entirely possible that he didn't know it was a communicable virus. The medical community seems to intentionally keep people in the dark about herpes, from the fact that getting tested for "everything" usually does not include a herpes test, to the fact that what herpes is and how it can be transmitted without symptoms is not common knowledge. However, as my brother once put it: "There is a level of ignorance that crosses a line. One can be unaware that herpes transmits without symptom in the same way that someone can not know that failing to get your car's brakes repaired can lead to a traffic accident." He really doesn't have a right to get defensive and expect you to take the hard news of your diagnosis with grace and etiquette. He should understand that you are going through something really emotionally difficult. His response seems to have been very selfish. Don't worry, there are plenty of people out there who are just looking for someone who has integrity, and will treat them fairly.

Shame and fear are a very poor excuse for withholding a truth that could change someone else's life, or at very least, cause them a lot of emotional distress. She put you at risk knowingly without considering your right to give consent. You need to consider whether you could trust her not to make destructively selfish decisions in the future. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something so difficult. Herpes may well not be the most terrible thing, but it's definitely not fun. Many people with herpes fear being alone forever, then make decisions like this one to put others at risk against their will, thereby reinforcing their own fear with guilt of having betrayed someone they care about. Do what you think is right for you. You have every right to decide for yourself, and to set your own criteria for what makes a relationship good or bad.

@dumbfounded I think you might be right that it could be fissures. That is one of the effects of herpes out break, which is why I suspected. It seemed to get better, then subsequently worse. That got me concerned. We are experiencing a snow and ice problem in Charleston right now, so I have to wait on seeing the doc, but I will follow up after. If it is herpes related, I will explain the symptoms better so others can know what to look out for. But, it stands to reason not to assume too much. If anyone gets similar symptoms, see a doctor.

It might be a good thing to go ahead and take your meds. If the symptoms are bothering you and it is causing you trouble getting comfortable or enjoying things, it might be worth the cost. If you have insurance, you might find that it is suprisingly affordable compared to the effects. I have noticed that medicine helped clear my first out break in a matter of days. I went from feeling miserable to clinging to the meds like a security blanket.

I would recommend that you follow your instinct to be careful about that, but herpes doesn't live long outside a host. I think it's a matter of minutes, but don't quote me on that. I know towels are generally a bigger concern, as they may stay warm and wet enough for the virus to live longer, but I don't think there is any real research on that. If she did actually shave immediately after you, I think it would be reasonable to talk to her about it and make sure she knows she should get tested after her immune system develops antibodies (several weeks). If she possibly used the razor several hours, or a day later, I think it would be okay. Not fantastic, but the virus would have probably died by then.

I would definitely recommend getting yourself tested for herpes before you get too concerned about contracting from your girlfriend, as it is possible to have it and not know yourself. If you end up showing negative results, you can ask her to take suppression medicine (valacyclovir, or equivalent), just make sure you approach the subject delicately. You don't want to plant negative feelings about the condition into your relationship, a simple few words of reassurance go a long way on this topic. You deserve to feel confident and secure about intimacy. You shouldn't let your feelings of reservation about things fester into resentment. Congratulations on finding someone you genuinely care about. Seek comfortability and security in your relationship!

Update on the second out break: What I thought was herpes round 2: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Edition May actually be something else entirely. The only reason any of this might be relevant is whether it is indeed a follow-up out break, or if I simply assumed and my assumption prevented me from seeing a doctor sooner. Bottom line up front: If stuff starts happening, see a doctor, don't just assume herpes is being different. Had a surprising amount of blood in my stool today. I don't think herpes tends to bleed, and I am concerned that it may be some sort of cancer like issue, as my family has a consistent history of cancer, polyps, tumors, precancerous cells, etc. For those who aren't familiar with the connection here: A tumor, polyp, or cancerous mass may develop in your colon. It can cause itching, discomfort, pain, and eventually develop blood vessels in it which are prone to breaking and causing bleeding during a visit to the ol' throne room. Going to the doctor either today or tomorrow to get it checked out. I seem to have a knack for developing life-threatening conditions around the beginning of the year. Last time was 2014: infected tonsils that progressed from perfectly fine to emergency surgery overnight. Apparently the little bastards were going to kill me via sepsis in a matter of hours, if not for the hero of a doctor having driven an hour out of his way, on his way home after a shift in the pediatric hospital, through a rainstorm, to come perform surgery while I sat upright in a chair with local anesthetic and I coughed blood back at him uncontrollably every few seconds, and no assistance from the emergency room staff. If you ever wondered where a appreciation for life, and a need to make the most of each day comes from, that would be one way to get it, haha! I marked my calendar, 1/1/2014, RegularGuy died today, if not for a highly skilled surgeon. Seems like I'm not going through anything so immediately deadly, but I'm not exactly "in fighting shape". It's enough that I would not be surprised if the doctor informed me that I was being scheduled for surgery right away, but I also wouldn't be surprised if they tell me it is in fact just a symptom of herpes and send me on my way. I'm not too terribly stressed about it because even if it is something cancerous, it's not as sudden a death as sepsis from infection, but it ranks as faster than heart failure from age, so I am not taking it lightly. Anyway, Hope everyone had a decent new year celebration. The girlfriend and I went to dinner at a nice place, and I passed out at home on the sofa before the ball dropped at midnight, successfully disappointing her, haha! Oops! Well, you won't do everything you meant to, and a lot of the things you do won't be perfect. It's still worth trying. Happy 2018!

@dumfounded Thank you so much for the kind words! I do a lot of writing in my free-time, so I am in my element on a forum. I fear the physical me leaves much to be desired, haha! @Secretlife79 Many people are forced to balance pros and cons of side-effects from the meds. Diet and exercise are certainly extremely helpful! Have you talked to your doctor about possibly trying another brand of meds? Some of the posts on the topic here make it seem like some brands work better for some people than others. Either way, keep up your habit of working toward good health! You deserve to reap the benefits of it, even if it doesn't quell all of your side-effects from meds.

There are so many good things you can do for people. You failed to disclose, but that doesn't mean you are lost. You can continue to stand by to support him if he reaches out to you, but don't do so with the expectation that you will be forgiven. Do so with the expectation that you may be able to lessen his struggle, if he ever feels the need to reach out to you. There are many difficult things you have faced, and yet more you will face. You have accepted responsibility, which is a VERY profound level of self awareness that many never reach. But don't get hung up on accepting responsibility, there is much good ahead if you can turn that acceptance into a part of who you are! You are now aware of the profound impact one individual can have and the implications are yet even more so. But let the pendulum of your introspection swing the other way, and contemplate how much of a positive impact you can have as an individual! I'm not telling you to atone, I'm only suggesting that you seek opportunities to demonstrate benevolence, mercy, integrity, and kindness. It will generate both gratitude in others for you, and will reaffirm that you have profound worth. You may need to convince yourself to carry on, I don't know. But you can certainly give yourself permission to feel pride, as well as excitement about the future. Make it a self that earns your respect and admiration, make it a future where you are content and experience joy. I'm so sorry to read that you have so much regret and hurt. Keep reaching out for support! I know I'm probably not the most helpful person to respond to your situation. But you should know that at very least, I think you deserve to have a future that includes plenty of happiness and hopeful excitement about good things that will happen.

Time will turn out to be an ally in a lot of ways. If keeping busy and being around people makes things easier, embrace it. I mean, don't forget to get some time alone, but if you are feeling down reach out! Remember that it is okay to feel down about things sometimes, and that you will have to get some practice with seeing yourself in a positive light. It's a work-in-progress thing that you'll notice an ebb and flow to. Some days will be harder than others. Keep seeking opportunities to help people close to you, even if it's just listening to them vent about something, or helping with dishes when you visit. Little things like that pump up self image. I know that even if you follow everyone's good advice to the letter, it's still going to be really difficult to find those positive feelings some times. It's okay. Not every day has to be better than the last. It won't be difficult forever, and you'll find yourself feeling more positive for longer soon. Eventually, you will stress about upcoming deadlines on projects more than anything again. And you'll feel normal with fewer and fewer episodes of all those negative feelings. Something that made me feel better: I went to the pharmacy to get my meds, and the pharmacist mentioned that valacyclovir flys off the shelves really fast. I'm not in a really big city, so that surprised me. She said I was lucky they just got a shipment, because they normally wouldn't be able to fill my whole prescription. That means that there are tons of people near me who take suppression medicine every day, and they are working, owning homes, raising families, and being normal people. It was really reassuring to know that it wasn't stopping any of them from living a normal life, and there is no reason I couldn't do the same.

Congratulations, and thank you for sharing!

Sorry to hear you struggle with negative feelings. Many of us know what that is like. How long has it been since you were diagnosed? Do you tend to feel much better when you are around other people? I personally think that accepting yourself as you are is not always easy. Being the type that constantly worked toward self improvement most of my life, herpes felt like a crushing defeat for a while. Although I still struggle to like myself sometimes, and sometimes it is just because I have herpes, I am practicing accepting myself. I am not embarrassed to admit that I took my brother's advice, and sometimes look myself in the mirror and literally say, "I am awesome" out loud. It sounds really cheesy, and it will make you feel awkward at first, but it has helped me, haha! It's part of steering my thoughts in a positive direction. That when I picture myself in my head, I associate my image as a perfectly good thing. Doing that might help, it might not. Just thought I'd share something that works for me.

The secret signal is to talk to people you are interested in with the same confidence and genuine interest in their personality as you always have, and to remind yourself that you have MUCH to take pride in. And when things go well, because they will go well, you initiate the exact same (always clinical, never romantic) STD talk. "Have you ever had an STD, been diagnosed with something that could still be contagious, been diagnosed with a personality disorder, or genetic disorder?" And then when they ask in turn, you answer honestly, without shame or fear. Knowing that they have so far given no evidence of misleading you, and should be capable of reserving judgement in the exact same way you reserve judgement regarding a potentially obsessive interest in the Kardashians on their part. Welcome to the club, don't worry, it gets easier.

Thank you for the kind words! It's certainly not all rainbows and roses, but when two people both put forth their best effort to be good for each other, well... Teamwork makes the dream work. There are many people searching for just that. When they finally find it, being informed of potential risk of transmission, just like being informed of watching football two nights a week, or collecting cat figurines, will not simply not be a big deal. It will be a part of the total package that they care for and admire. It won't define you, it will just be a fact that exists.

@littlestar That is a correct conclusion. She turns out to be another of the many asymptomatic carriers, totally unaware, and very much let down by the medical community's failure to mention that they don't teat for everything when they tell you they are testing for everything. She only learned about her condition a few weeks after I tested positive. I didn't believe it at first, as I didn't believe it was possible not to have symptoms. Even when I learned that fact, I was very suspicious of her, knowing that she could have easily lied. But deceit is always only defeated by time. And when it became clear that she was not being deceitful, my anger began to fade. After having spent a lot of hours on end rethinking her account of things and her coinciding actions, I realized she was absolutely unaware. We had the STD talk before we got intimate, and she had been honest. We also talked about genetic and personality disorders in ourselves and our families, and she was honest. Then I read some of the personal accounts of people on this website who had experienced similar circumstances as my girlfriend, and I was sure. Things they said were some of the same things she said. It's still a point of discussion for us occasionally, but I don't approach it with suspicion or anger like I did at first. However, she did not choose to cut and run right away, before her diagnosis. When I saw myself as poisonous and miserable, she decided thar we would research transmission and treatment before she would make a decision to leave. We agreed to abstain until we both felt comfortable, however long it would take. Or if our relationship waivered, or we had fundamental misalignment in our relationship, we would part ways. Just not for fear alone. Maybe fear as well as informed decisions, but not out of pure fear. She told me that I was not disgusting, and that she had shared the amazement and awe I had felt for her, before I was diagnosed. That she couldn't link my condition with my value as a human being naturally. It seemed like it would be a failure on both our parts if I were to break up out of shame and fear, or her to break up out of ignorance of the implications. Only after we had decided all of these things did we receive her test results. And then saw that valacyclovir flys off pharmacy shelves so fast that orders must be picked up on the first week of delivery, or hear from separate doctors that the medical community does not test for herpes at all, unless specifically instructed to, or that asymptomatic carriers can be contagious without out break, or that support will come from already being good for one another and not superficially promised in an offhanded comment. It was an absolute rollercoaster. I was sad, angry, ashamed, and embarrassed. And then she was too. But we didn't cling to each other as codependent in misery. We were right for each other first, and then strong for each other in need. That sort of circumstances are only possible with an honest expression of needs and desires, as well as fair warning into pitfalls of personality or condition that will inevitably effect the other. This is universally true, herpes or not.

I'm really sorry to know that you are struggling so much. Many of us have felt many of the things you are experiencing, and we know that it is hard to picture how to gather yourself up and try to live on! But you can, and you will, and herpes will not define who you are! I would recommend that you do your best to try to keep doing the things that make you feel accomplished and give you some joy. I wrestled myself to work and school when I first found out, and at first it seemed pointless, and that I should take sick leave from work and quit school. But after a few days, I realized I was still pretty damn productive, and having projects to work on made me feel like myself. After a couple of minor personal victories, I realized that herpes was not going to stop me from doing the things I want to do! Now, I can look back and see beyond any doubt that regularguy is still just a regular guy. He is just as smart, just as socially adept (inept, haha!), and just as good at everything he was a few months ago. He just washes his hands better, takes one pill a day, and communicates about his condition with his girlfriend when necessary. Nothing monumental there. You can imagine all of the goals you set for yourself, and realistically, they are equally as close as they were yesterday. They will also be equally challenging as they would have been yesterday. I would recommend that you make a plan to do something a little extra fun soon, to give yourself something to look forward to, and motivate you to get out of bed. I would also recommend that you seek opportunities to help the people closest to you with anything you can, as their genuine gratitude will remind you that you are still a wonderful person, who is appreciated. Herpes doesn't change who you are, or what you can do! I ended up accomplishing several really big moves in my education and career while simultaneously coming to grips with my diagnosis, and looking back on it I am positive that herpes has no bearing at all on your goals and dreams. I know much of what you are feeling, I struggled with depression in waves that would hit suddenly. But being there for people close to me gave me evidence that I was still a worth while person. Doing what I enjoyed reminded me that I was still just as good at things I like to do as always, and persuing goals gave proof that I am no more or less capable than I ever was. That said, take time if you need it. Reach out when you feel down. If you find yourself struggling to turn your train of thought away from negative, self-loathing ideas, ask someone here, or someone close to you for a sympathetic ear. It is not too much to ask.

Thanks for your perspective on the topic! It's common knowledge that there are a lot of people who start a relationship with promises of the future "you're the one", "I can change", "You are perfect", "Nothing can come between us". Unfortunately, when a relationship begins with statements like that, you probably aren't the first person to hear that from them, and they probably don't mean it. Hell, I have had friends that I lived with for 2 years, and learned only after all that time that they were malicious liars and scheming crooks. Imagine what someone I have feelings for could get away with before I would catch on! And many of them did get away with much before I faced reality and found myself a berated, insulted, unappreciated, heartbroken jerk. If I could have had all of those poor relationships end after stating, "I need hours at a time, most days of the week, outside of work to pursue my hobbies" lead them to an honest reply, "I need more attention than that, we aren't right for each other". Or better, "I am overly ambitious, and I will move across the country for a better job", and be told in honesty, "I want to live here my entire life, and will make it a daily mission to initiate arguments with you if we move anywhere else". I would have accepted that. Are these things not as big an impact on lifestyle as herpes? More so, I think. Because I choose these traits, and will intentionally celebrate these qualities in myself. When these are absolute deal breakers, why do people react with patience, or worse, waste my time pretend to like these traits? Years of potentially wonderful experiences in a relationship are wasted by those who cannot "cut and run" when they know the other can't be who they need. But herpes is treated differently. It cuts through that cloud of dishonesty instantly. Lies of "you are perfect", "you are the one", "nothing will come between us" are shattered by herpes disclosure like no other type of disclosure. Suddenly, your ambition, or hobbies, or music interests are put into a perspective they otherwise would not have been. Is not just a opportunity to be cared for and accepted, it is a great shield in the aversion of those who spout ultimatums and empty promises of the future. Years I wasted being fed lies about claims of being good enough when I was not. Before I had herpes. Only after, and only when I disclosed with immediate honesty did I find someone who means what they say. And she never made promises for the future. She never claimed I was the one. She simply found someone who fit her image of a good match, then demonstrated her acceptance. It is no coincidence. There are many people who are tired of the lies and the empty promises. They will see a rare, genuine partner in a person who fits their idea of a good match, and what will matter more than a physical condition will be honesty and compassion. Even if all you're trying to do is get laid once. Because nothing kills libido like disgust for yourself or guilt or shame. And those emotions are all too familiar in our community.

@MakingIT2017 I'm sorry it turned out that way! There are a lot of ways a relationship can end, and none of them are easy, but that must have been extremely painful on top of the diagnosis. Thank you for sharing your personal account, though. It stands as yet another harsh reality among many we face. Avoiding guilt, and knowing that you supported his right to choose is not insignificant, though. It's unfortunate the right thing is rarely the easy thing, but the right thing always gives some consolation. Let it be the fact that you haven't changed as a person, and that you did not condemn another human being to the temporary loss of identity, and shame that you felt. That malicious deceit never became an option. That is a rare thing to find, and there are many people who are searching for someone who simply won't choose to do them wrong on purpose. Disclosure may have sent him packing as fear would convince any of us would happen. But he went of his own choice, knowing that he was not done searching for someone different from you, and knowing that he would not have stayed with you for long. As is the case, the risk for the partner rests in only their perceived options other than you. Someone who accepts you will do so because they see a future with you, and won't intend to seek out anyone else. Realistically, is that not what we all hope for? Honesty. Not just in ourselves, but in our partners. That they won't waste our time while secretly hoping to meet someone 'better'. I have been left for a myriad of reasons, my ambition to seek ever better employment, my refusal to be a footnote in someone else's day to day, my frequent gym habit, my need for time-consuming hobbies. Herpes is unlike any of these. These were traits I had chosen to demonstrate and advertised directly in dating. Where herpes is something to be disclosed to someone you care about on some level, as a demonstration of integrity and out of respect for their right to consent. Effectively, it is a filter though. And there are personal account archived here of the realization that those who run were not really seeking someone with your personality traits anyway. It stops them from wasting your time with temporary games. Much more effectively than telling them you intend to keep going to the gym 3 times a week, whether they like it or not. There is no pretending there.

You should get tested for the full battery of tests, including herpes if you suspect infection. If you have sores, they can be tested directly. If not, you may have to wait a few weeks for your immune system to develop the antibodies that identify an infection. I understand that you are experiencing a lot of anxiety and fear. Try your best to push that aside, as it won't help you in any way. Instead, decide that you will get this figured out, and that you will keep being you, no matter how things turn out!