mr_hopp

Yeah, I totally understand the double-edged sword here: on one hand, the chances of transferring genital HSV2 to the other person's mouth are minimal as far as the studies out there and general stories; on the other hand, if you have herpes, someone who you will be intimate with should know beforehand, and I always say disclosing is key. And the disclosure can include all of this information that it's such a small % chance of it being transferred (like nmo said). It still allows your partner to have the facts so that you can be on the same page. If there's even a 0.01% chance of them getting herpes, they should have that information available to them.

See, this is where it gets dicey. When I got herpes from my partner, it took about 4 years before I had my first outbreak. Yep, 4 years. So, it is possible that you've had this virus in your body lying dormant for years and it's only coming up now. And it's just as possible that your girlfriend has herpes and gave it to you. Is your girlfriend planning on getting the IgG test, too?

Everyone's body is different. For some, lysine sounds like it works like a charm. For others, just the opposite. Here's a link from an NPR show where they talk about Lysine. (I just got emailed to me from my mom ... say it with me: "Awwwww"): http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2012/07/26/desperate-for-help-with-recurrent-cold-sores/

Oh, so you're saying you know your current girlfriend has herpes? If that's the case, then it sounds like what you have is herpes and wouldn't be treatable via a dermatologist. Just keep the area dry and clean and allow it to heal. I would go back to the clinic now that it sounds like you're having an active outbreak instead of the dermatologist so they can swab the rash and test it directly. Then they'll be able to give you a prescription for an antiviral.

Hey Badlarry, Simply based on your explanation, it sounds like herpes to me. I've heard of many cases of false negatives, unfortunately. And it's normally due to getting the test too soon after exposure. The test needs time in order for the antibodies to build up in your system to be at detectable levels. Do you know when you might have been exposed to herpes or no? Here's a quote from the ASHA message boards: “The challenge here is that the time it takes for IgG antibodies to reach detectable levels after initial infection can vary from person to person. For one person, it could take just a few weeks, while it could take a few months for another. So even with the accurate tests, a person could receive a false negative if the test is taken too soon after contracting the virus. For the most accurate test result, it is recommended to wait 12 – 16 weeks from the last possible date of exposure before getting an accurate, type-specific blood test in order to allow enough time for antibodies to reach detectable levels. False positives are rare with type-specific blood tests when used in this manner.”

Hey kev, sorry I haven't been able to jump in yet, but I do have some quick info about viral shedding. According to studies, it happens about 5-10% of the time, but due to the invisible nature of it, you never know when that 5-10% is, so the risk is always there. And CG is right based on what I've heard, too, that if you take suppressive therapy, both outbreaks and viral shedding will be cut by 50%, so that's always a good way to go to protect the non-herpes partner. Condoms are also always a good option, plus solid communication. What I mean by communication is that the person with herpes will get to know their early warning signs for both outbreaks and potentially viral shedding. And if communication is solid, then the person with herpes will let their partner know if they're having prodrome sensations and they'll avoid having sex. More on viral shedding here: http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/ ... and prodrome conversation here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/146/herpes-prodrome-what-is-it-like-for-you/p1

Thank you, CG! This is exactly the kind of information sourcing I love! Much appreciated bro! :)

Hey CG, where have you heard this stat? I'm wary of giving any advice like that without a proper source. I just haven't heard that stat before. I always suggest safety over saying someone is perfectly safe. Any percentage above 0% means there's a chance. Not to make anyone paranoid, but just to be realistic. (Plus, I think when mc41 says "my girl" he means his girlfriend, not his child.) ;)

Faith, I am touched how you have turned your wound into a way for you to love yourself more deeply. It's a process, yes. But it sounds like it's a process that you are moving through with compassion and giving yourself space to heal. And I beg you not to blame yourself. Yeah, you trusted anyone who'd give you the time of day and didn't pay attention to the signs ... that doesn't make you wrong; that had you learn something about this world, other people, and yourself. That lesson, as much as it sucks to consider, is invaluable. In any situation like that, if we had the choice, of course we would choose to not have to go through it. But once we do, then what have we learned? What is the gold we are taking from surviving from tragedy? Out of every tragedy MUST come good. You aren't dead. You are ALIVE. And healing toward a more pure and strong version of yourself. Trust me, what seem like setbacks are only tests to bring you to a more and more beautiful place. This reminds me … Have you heard the story of the butterfly in the cocoon? Well here it is anyway. ;) One day, a man was walking through the forest. He saw a cocoon hanging from a branch, wriggling and moving. He stopped to watch. As the cocoon moved more and more, a small crack formed where the head of a new butterfly just began to emerge. The butterfly seemed to be struggling so much that the man decided to help it by opening up the crack even further. The butterfly easily emerged from its cocoon and tried to spread its wings … it couldn't. It eventually died. You see, the man didn't know something very important about how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. The struggle that the transformed caterpillar must endure to emerge from its cocoon brings blood and nutrients to its newly formed wings. The struggle is what makes it able to spread its wings to become the butterfly. Beautiful metaphor, huh? So the things in our life that have us struggle, that push ourselves in ways we didn't think we could handle, make us stronger and more fulfilled people. Without struggle, we would be weak, still stuck in our cocoons. And this isn't just a hokey rose-colored glasses nonsense metaphor. It happens all over the place in life! All you need is to believe that really, truly, everything happens for a reason. (Easy enough, right?) ;) If you look at the stories in your own life in a new way, the impact those stories have on you change, too. You move out of spending a lot of energy identifying with a disempowering story and move into being empowered, filled up with life-affirming energy. It sounds like that's what you're doing, Faith. And it inspires me. Thank you for being a shining example of how struggle can transform us to be an even bigger version of who we already are. In fact, this inspires me to write a new blog post. Thanks for that! :) Big hug!

I hadn't heard that yet, CG. I appreciate you posting this if it is the case. And just for the record, I took Lysine for a short period years ago and couldn't tell a difference in the amount of outbreaks or severity. But that was just me. I have heard plenty of people who swear by it, though. I am curious about this study you're referring to. Can you post a link to it just so we can have some legitimacy to the claim? There's so much hearsay when it comes to herpes, I like to back claims like that up. Thanks for piping up, CG!

Heya again, Yep, this comes up time and time again in the support group I lead here in Raleigh, NC. People with herpes are saying what's the big deal whether it's on your lips or your hoo-haw (pardon my french)? ;) It's the same virus, only a different strain of it! So yes, your confusion on that is in good company. It's our culture's stigma against the inherent dirtiness of sex in general, I believe. And about suppressive therapy, I take it only because I'm keeping my partner safe from getting it (she is herpes-free). I don't suggest people taking suppressive therapy unless your outbreaks are pretty severe and happen a lot or you're trying to protect someone else from getting herpes. That's all. I take 400mg of Acyclovir twice a day (but check with your own doctor to make sure that's right for you). And about passing the herpes from one part of your body to another, here's a blog post I wrote about that: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ You got this. :)

Sorry, this has been a long time coming ... I'm sorry I haven't responded to this sooner! Who knows if this is even still relevant, but I'll respond as if it is ... ;) I LOVE you lelani ... even though we've never met and never even talked on the phone (yet! That's coming up soon, I hope!), I feel your huge heart whenever you show up here. How much you contribute on these forums, so heartfelt, with humor and support, is inspiring to say the least. You always know what to say to help people feel better. And to reach out like you have here shows me that it's okay for all of us to have low points. What you're modeling here in reaching out for help is that reaching out is not a weakness; it's a strength in being vulnerable enough to ask for help. It shows us that this whole support thing is a beautiful circle of support. We all have our high points and our low points. The low points help us appreciate the high points. And we can complement one another in helping when we can. You are such a beautiful person, Lelani. You have inspired me consistently through your sharing and supporting people in our community. And you continue to inspire me. You are using what was a painful experience and turning it around in such a beautiful way to help all of us. That is selfless. That is the epitome of a wounded healer. Let's set up a skype session soon, shall we? I'd love to connect and see how you're doing now. :) Big hug!

Hey overcome_anything! Welcome to the forums! A few things struck me ... First off, thanks for sharing your story. I feel pissed off, protective and sad when I hear of men forcing themselves on women in any context. I apologize on behalf of that man. I apologize to what I imagine is a broken heart that is less trusting than before. Less open. And I wish you healing in that so you can trust and open again. Something else that jumped out at me is how you called herpes "my disease." That makes me feel dirty just thinking about it that way! ;) Even though you can use any word you want for herpes, pay attention to how using that word feels (using disease for you may not have any charge to it, and if so, feel free to disregard this comment). ;) I like using "skin condition" or something that doesn't play it up to be some horrible thing. It may sound minor, but trust me, how we talk about herpes to ourselves and to others is HUGE in how we experience it and how it affects our lives. By the way, here's a post I wrote on the power of what words you choose to put to your experience: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words/ You also remind me how interesting the stigma with herpes is. The double standard of cold sores (oral herpes) having no stigma, but as soon as the location of herpes (whether it's HSV1 or HSV2) crosses the "belt border" all bets are off and the stigma is in full effect. It's simply not fair. So yes, HSV-1 is super common (80% of people have it), but that is when it shows up on the lips. When it shows up on the genitals, it's less common. But that just throws in more confusion since anyone who has a cold sore can go down on someone else and pass it to their genitals and *ding* the herpes magically has a societal stigma against it. (Like what CanadianGuy spoke to in his comment here.) And to clear something up, you're right that you can pass herpes through kissing, but you CANNOT pass it through sharing silverware. For all the details on that, check out the blog post on How can you get herpes? If this guy is the right guy for you, then he will change his mind about herpes. And if he doesn't change his mind, know that you will still be okay. You have plenty of people to support you. And there are plenty of men out there who would love to have you in their life.

I totally agree, CG! You know, I use the stat of african american women with genital herpes (48%!) as a similar thought experiment ... so, as an example, once the amount of african american women 14-49 reaches 51%, then what happens to the stigma? How will african americans perceive herpes? If eventually 51% of ALL Americans have genital herpes (whether it be HSV-1 or HSV-2), then what happens to the stigma? Then if you're one of those who DOESN'T have it, you're one of those poor, uncool people in the minority. ;) Stigma can only exist in minority and denial. Look at oral herpes/cold sores/fever blisters for a perfect example: 80% of Americans have it, hence there's no stigma. I look forward to the end of stigma in general, and it seems like it will either take people waking up out of their own unconscious and unfair judgments OR 51+% of people getting herpes. ;)

LionEagle, what an inspiring story! Holy crap! My mouth is agape right now. It's great to hear an actual example of something I tell a lot of my clients: Disclosing that you have herpes opens the door to a frank discussion about THEIR sexual history, too. Too many people think that if they accept me, I'm home free! (And they don't pause to consider what they're in turn accepting.) In other words, disclosing also keeps you from getting anything more than what you already have! Having herpes can be seen as a first line of defense for all the other STDs. Thank you for sharing your story here, LionEagle! And yes, I'm also so glad you're still with us. Your integrity literally saved your life. What a gift to consider ... Love it.

Yes, you're right. HSV-1 is super common orally. 80% of Americans 14-49 have it (don't ask why those ages are so random). Question for you: Have you ever had an outbreak? If so, where? On the lips or on the genitals? Reason I ask is that yes, HSV-1 for the most part shows up on the lips (commonly known as "cold sores"), but it can also be spread to the genitals, so people can have genital herpes of the HSV-1 strain. (In fact, a recent stat I read is that 50% of new genital herpes cases are from HSV-1 from partners going down on each other — oral sex — with cold sores.) And if you have genital HSV-1, yes, your sex life will change, but don't assume it will change for the worst! You will have to be more careful (which ultimately is a great thing for your health) and disclose to potential partners. (You can download the free e-book — http://eepurl.com/b4IPP — to read more about that.) And that's what this site and all these people are here for: To realize that having herpes isn't a harbinger of doom; it's an opportunity to find out who we really are in the face of something that at first seems so daunting. It's an opportunity to be real and authentic with people we are intimate with. We're here for you however you need us, imgonnabeokay. And yes, you're going to be okay. In fact, you'll be awesome. Just be kind to yourself. Self-compassion is the #1 skill to master here!

1) Alternatives to Acyclovir: Many people take Lysine to lessen and prevent outbreaks. At least it's more natural than something that ends in "cyclovir" ... ;) But are you allergic to other medications, such as Valtrex or famciclovir? 2) Lower back pain: That would make sense since the virus "camps out" in the base of the spine (the sacral ganglia). I've heard of people having lower back pain and pain in the thighs before and during outbreaks; whatever nerve pathway the virus takes from the base of the spine to the surface of the skin can have pain/tingling associated with it. 3) I haven't heard of a nonstop 9-month outbreak before, no. But the good news is I have heard of plenty of people suffering with a lot of outbreaks initially and once their body's immune system strengthens up and gets used to the virus, the outbreaks calm down and lessen in quantity and severity. Just take care of yourself physically, psychologically and emotionally. Do you stress yourself out consistently? Do you smoke like a smokestack? Do you eat McDonalds for every meal? Good excuse to take care of yourself across the board. Think of your outbreaks as a physical signal to take better care of yourself. It's your health barometer. ;) 4) Hell no you can't die from this! What ever made you think that? Whoa, back away from the ledge. ;) Ultimately, herpes is a glorified skin condition. Period. That's it. Who knows why our society has made such a big deal out of it. In the grand scheme of things, it's so minor when it comes to your physical health. (That's why doctors will rarely give a prescription for it or forward you for counseling, because as far as they are concerned, it's simply not a serious health risk. At all.) It's become more of a psychological risk (our mental wellness) due to our beloved societal stigma against it. But as long as we know that herpes doesn't define us and we don't make that stigma about us as human beings, we're fine. A good opportunity to recognize the labels we allow ourselves to be defined by and let them go. ;)

Wow, Bittersweet. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I love you and your courage. I know the depths of darkness that you speak of so eloquently. You're clearly an amazingly intelligent person. And it's ironic: Sometimes the most intelligent people have the most vivid imaginations that can lead them down the scariest, deepest paths. And when you're in negativity and foul, oozing thoughts, that imagination spirals down deep. The more you allow yourself to sink deeper into your own darkness, the more fears manifest themselves into a reality that doesn't serve you or your beautiful child, or anyone else for that matter. And I know what that's like, too. I was in that pit of despair for years. YEARS. And sometimes it takes suffering in that for a while before you realize you want out. Have you heard that cliché of hitting a wall? Sounds like that's where you're coming to. Congratulations. We're here to give you a hand up and out ... I'm proud of you for coming here. You felt immense fear. And you spoke out anyway. For your own good. For the good of your child. You know the best way to vanquish shame? It's to share what you are ashamed of. When you're vulnerable with sharing what you're ashamed of and still accepted for who you are instead of what you have, the shame washes away into self-acceptance. And you are beautiful. I can see it through your writing. I can see who you are. You deserve to accept yourself. You've been beating yourself up for too long. It's time for a change. And coming on this site, pushing past the fear, shows that there's something that you're fighting for. Something that's worth it. I'm excited for you to find what that is and keep fighting for it. What Lelani said is beautiful. Yes, I promise you, love is bigger than herpes. Love your child. Don't hold that back. The only way to transfer herpes is in skin-to-skin contact during an outbreak or shedding. That's it. You have a lot of love to give. And a child that needs it. And if you haven't heard about it yet, check out the weekend seminar I'll be putting on in late October in North Carolina. I'd be happy to talk with you about it if you're interested. And if it sounds scary to fly to NC to attend a weekend seminar on your relationship to herpes and ultimately yourself, then that might just be telling you something important. ;) Here are the details: http://herpesopportunity.com

Great advice all around, Lelani and inspired! (As always) ;) Yeah, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to get medication. Definitely find a doctor who is more knowledgeable on herpes and they should give you a prescription. And as far as the "don't take the meds longer than a year" business, I've never heard that. So unless it's a law only in the UK, I'd chalk that up to misinformation. ;) (Note: I'm not a doctor, so this is layman's advice.) I agree with inspired: just keep the meds on hand for emergencies, such as when you're feeling an outbreak coming on (whatever your prodrome signals are: tingles, burning, itching, etc.). You shouldn't have to take suppressive therapy unless your outbreaks are very frequent and severe (which tends to drastically lessen as time goes on, your body builds up immunity and you stay healthy) OR if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't have herpes and you're trying to lessen the chance of passing herpes on to him. I actually suggest that people don't start immediately on suppressive therapy so you can get to know your outbreaks naturally. You could be like many people who after their first outbreak have very few outbreaks for the rest of their life. And even if you have only a few outbreaks a year, that might not necessitate taking medication every day in order to avoid. My girlfriend doesn't have herpes, so I take suppressive therapy (400mg twice a day) to keep her herpes-free, but if I were single, I wouldn't take suppressive therapy at all and just let the outbreaks run their course. Hope this helps, UK girl! Take care of yourself and best of luck to you at the specialist! :)

Hey man in progress, I hear you bro! I got herpes when my girlfriend cheated on me and handed it off. Nice little gift. And now by the sounds of it you have strong integrity, which I totally admire. I went through a phase where my integrity wasn't that strong. I didn't have the courage to tell women I was sleeping with ... I was as safe as possible with them, but I couldn't tell them. The fact that you're telling them is awesome. The fact that they're running away signals one of two possible things (or both): 1. The women you're choosing don't know you well enough yet to take a chance or don't know enough about herpes to make an informed decision or have a lot of stigma around herpes. Maybe you're just having a bad luck spell in telling the kind of women that simply aren't right for you! (Herpes can be a damn good filter sometimes, believe it or not. The woman who is right for you is going to accept you having herpes. Period.) AND/OR 2. The way you are disclosing that you have herpes is scaring them off. It's interesting how we can transmit our own stigma and false beliefs about this virus when we're disclosing. It's not so much what you're saying during the herpes talk that matters, it's how you say it; it's the feeling behind the words. That says everything about how you feel about yourself. A lot is said on that level of communication.Getting right with ourselves first is necessary to have a positive herpes disclosure. If you haven't already, download the free e-book on positive herpes disclosure. It gives a great overview of this idea: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP Keep your head up, man in progress. I love your screen name. You certainly are a man in progress. We're all progressing. And it's our decision in which direction we progress in. Sounds like you're on a good path, bro. Thanks for reaching out!

My prodrome is a tingly/itchy/slightly burning sensation only in the spot that my outbreaks normally show up. I've heard of other people's prodrome sensations being intense pain in the nerves of their thighs (very common), but I haven't experienced that myself. Even though I have no way of knowing whether this is true or not, I suspect that whenever I feel that prodrome-type feeling, that is actually when the virus is shedding (viral shedding happens about 5-10% of the time and is just as contagious as an actual outbreak, even though there are no visible signs or symptoms). That happens more times than not: I get the prodrome feeling, but no outbreak follows. When I do feel that prodrome feeling, I do my damndest to take a handful (~800mg) of Acyclovir in anticipation of an outbreak. Sometimes I have an outbreak, sometimes I don't. Hard to say whether it's the Acyclovir, fate or my witchdoctor that dodges the actual outbreak ... And impossible to say without a double-blind study and two identical copies of me ... ;) Also, to this day, I haven't been able to pin down any one or two definite things that make me have an outbreak, whether it's sunlight, stress, chocolate, coffee, rough sex (I'll be damned if I'll be cutting out all of that except for stress!) And it's also hard to come up with a definitive culprit that causes a herpes outbreak when I only get 1-2 outbreaks per year these days ...

What is your feeling about it? It sounds by how you talk about him that you have a solid relationship even though it's only been 3 months. I generally suggest to people to have the herpes talk face-to-face so you have the intimacy that such vulnerability deserves, but this may call for something different. If you disclose to him that you have herpes at the beginning of this weekend together and he decides he can't take the chance of getting herpes, then how do you see the rest of the weekend going? And this is not to be negative about it (assuming that he's going to reject herpes), but it's important to plan for the worst, expect the best. If you have the worst case scenario planned for, then you can go into the disclosure with a clear mind and without shame.

Here's a new video I just put together ... What do you think?

Ah, well this should ease your troubled mind: Of all the stories I've heard, I haven't heard of someone whose outbreaks get worse as time goes on. Your awesome body is busy building up antibodies to suppress the virus, so they will successively become less and less ... As far as suppressive therapy is concerned (I'm no doctor, so take this at face value), I say hold off on that until 1) you realize you NEED it (if for whatever slim chance the outbreaks get worse), 2) you become intimate with someone who doesn't have the same strain (HSV1, HSV2) that you do and want to protect them, or 3) you feel the tingly sensation that signals an outbreak is coming on (you'll get to know this feeling) or catch the outbreak early on so that taking a large dose of Valtrex or Acyclovir will minimize the outbreak (consult your doctor for this dose). Who knows, you may only get 1-2 outbreaks per year (like me), which wouldn't necessitate medicating yourself (in my book). Just keep yourself healthy (mind and body) and see how it shakes out is my suggestion. Love yourself and your body will follow suit. I totally believe that. Big hug!

So your question is how you got it and how you can be sure you got it from? The short answer is there's no way to tell. You'll never know for sure. But that's just seems like taking the easy way out answering your post, doesn't it? ;) You could have gotten herpes from either man, but what you describe about having a heaviness in your thighs and swollen lymph nodes from the year-ago guy sounds consistent with a lot of other first-herpes-outbreak stories I hear at the local support group and on this site. But again, there's no way to know for sure. Your 5 year guy could have given it to you during a viral shedding episode (which happens about 10% of the time, which could have been passed to you even with condom use depending on where his outbreaks happen). Herpes outbreaks aren't always nicely timed right after a herpes infection. They don't coincide in a clear way. For example, the way I got herpes was my girlfriend at the time cheating on me with her ex over Christmas, contracting herpes, then during her first outbreak having sex with me and we just thought she was just raw (classy, huh?) ;) So I'm 99% sure that's where I originally got it. She called me the day after that wondrous day (lol) saying the doctor said for sure she was in the midst of an outbreak. I freaked. I began patiently waiting for some huge herpes outbreak to sprout up. A few weeks later, I came down with a bad case of the flu, swollen lymph nodes, and it hurt when I peed, but no actual herpes outbreak anywhere on my body. There was no IgG test at that time, so I couldn't know for sure if I had the antibodies for herpes. The longer I waited without an outbreak, the more I convinced myself that I had dodged a bullet. Wow, right? What are the chances? Yeah, then it happened. I had an actual full-on outbreak years later. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been SUPER safe since I thought some sort of a higher power had saved me and I promised myself and it that I wouldn't take those sorts of chances … ever … again. But there it was. I couldn't deny it. It had laid dormant in my body for years and then randomly came up. Yeah, herpes can be lazy sometimes. Does that help at all? For what it's worth, I know of quite a few stories that parallel my own, so it's not so random. That's why so many people have trouble finding out patient 0 when it comes to their original herpes infector.