mr_hopp

Yes, that does blow my mind. It is super rare for it to lie dormant for that long with no signs or symptoms (based on what I've heard), AND mine was dormant for a good 4 years before I had my first outbreak, so it's more common than you think that it doesn't jump up to say hi right away.

Hi all you beautiful people ... I've been going through a rough time lately ... Last week my girlfriend and I decided to go our separate ways. It's been the most loving relationship I've ever experienced. And I was so afraid to let it go (even though we both knew it was time to let it go). All of the fear that was holding on to about what breaking up would look like ended up not being like that at all when it happened. Ultimately, as it was in our relationship, it has been the most loving breakup I've ever experienced, too. We still love each other, still live together until she finds a new place, still committed to the best for each other, and knowing that we aren't meant to be together, at least not now. And this change has set me on a path of wanting to make sure I take care of myself, too. I have a tendency to feel alone if I don't stay connected to what matters, if I don't remind myself of what's important. So I have dedicated myself to get up by an alarm clock at 7:00a (which is early, folks, I'm a freelancer!), bolt out of bed, head out the door to start my first hour off with deep breathing, practicing gratitude, getting clear on what I want my future to look and feel like, and reminding myself to feel instead of shut down. I am lucky enough to have a beautiful forest and creek right across the street from me. And I go jogging along the creek during this routine. At a certain point along the path is a beautiful spot that overlooks a bend in the creek where I sit down and record whatever comes up. And I've decided to share the first three days of this video diary with you, with our community ... http://herpeslife.com/watch-my-herpes-video-diary/

Thanks for saying that, Janet. It's a great clarification. I do feel that we do have a responsibility to protect AND we can't make everyone else's decision for them. And yes, we need to actually use our intuition and common sense to feel out whether someone's acceptance is true acceptance or blind/ignorant acceptance. We can't just take the "yes" at face value. Especially when all those endorphins are putting a sexy veil over the eyeballs. ;) To actually make sure the other person knows what herpes is and the risks involved is vital and responsible. All of that is vital before actually having sex. And what's also vital is that along with giving those details we perpetuate the societal shame that comes with it. To let them know the facts devoid of the shame. I'm big on getting right with it in ourselves first before we go disclosing to others. Then others can make their own decisions based on their own beliefs and perspective.

I'm confused about what you really want. It sounds like you're longing for something you never would have wanted to begin with, but now that it's off the table, you want it more. ;) Because either way, when you get sexual with someone you are intimate with them. Physically intimate. But yet we shy away from being emotionally intimate enough to have a conversation that shows you care about your and his sexual health. And with so many STDs running around out there, thank goodness for us having a great excuse to ask THEM what they have, too. And you know, about the whole "everyone knowing" thing ... What I want to ask is 1) What is so important about what other people think about you having herpes? and 2) What does that say about someone that would have them not want to get to know someone because of a simple virus? If that's worst case scenario, then I'd say it's a pretty damn good filter to get the people out of your life that you wouldn't want in it anyway. And yes, I know you don't WANT everyone to know something vulnerable like that about you, but will you let that hold you back from your happiness? You're making what other people MIGHT think about you more important than your own happiness and openness. Do you see that? I heard a story once of someone who was once hooking up back stage at a high school reunion. Before they got to the point of having sex, he disclosed to her. Instead of her seeing what an good person he was for disclosing, her stigma and negative beliefs about herpes put a veil over her eyes. Instead of appreciating him for his vulnerability and honesty, she decided to go on stage at the reunion, take the live microphone and announce it to everyone. He was devastated. AND even though it sucks that she broke his trust like that (which shows what kind of a person she is), now it is what it is. What does it mean now? That his life is over? Actually, it means that now that the secret is out, only the people who allow stigmas and what other people think will be filtered out of his life. Again, I wouldn't wish this upon anybody. How horrible of a thing to happen when you do something so right and so honorable to have that stomped on with such cruelty. And after you get past your anger toward that person for being so disconnected and horrible, what you're left with is people who know he has herpes. That's it. And the people who see HIM instead of seeing herpes are the people who will still be in his life. And those are the people who deserve to be there.

Done and done ... wow, you're getting a total makeover, from screen name to picture! I like it! :) And yes, funlovngrl fits you sooooo much better. I like it when a name matches a personality.

Cool, yes, I can change your username easily. Your wish is my command. What shall we dub thee, madame? :) Glad to hear he was simply in a mulling mood instead of a poofing mood. You deserve better than poofing. ;) Much love, _________! (fill in the blank)

Well, we've officially reached a milestone of 200+ discussions being posted here on this forum (exactly one year after the forum was introduced). http://screencast.com/t/JK8J7SW4 THANK YOU to all of you who pour your hearts out here, who are vulnerable, who take back your power, who give others help and hope, who share with us your sadness, elation and everything in between. This is a beautiful community we're building here together. Thank you for building it with me, one heartfelt post at a time. I'm appreciative of each and every one of you. We have something great to share with the world (and it ain't the herp). ;) Much love from NC! Looking forward to meeting many of you in-person at the October seminar! http://thehopp.com

I'm so proud of you, bro. Thank you for sharing this with the H Opp fam. Wow, so leaving the herpes talk wide open for whatever to show up actually allowed laughter, fun and lightness? What? Who woulda thunk it? I hate love to say it, but I told ya so. ;) Enjoy this whole falling in love process. Fun, ain't it?

You're welcome for the response. ;) And who's having the conversation with him, you or me? :) Let's start with what YOU genuinely want to say to him ... What would be most true, most authentic for you to say?

Hey LoveTheBeach! (Welcome!) Okay, so if you could replay that over again from this perspective, seems like you wouldn't have let him go down on you. Check. And humans make mistakes. Check. (It's called "being human.") What's most important since that you can't change the past is to own up to your mistake. You know, integrity isn't so much about NEVER making a mistake, but more about what you do with your mistakes after you make them. And this is going to take some courage from you. It's going to take some integrity to tell him that you put him at risk. And it's still a good thing you're doing telling him even after the fact. It shows you care. (And sidenote: the chances of passing HSV-2 — especially when there's no active outbreak — is minimal. But regardless, best practice is to have the herpes talk before any sort of sexy business at all.) So before you sneak out the back door never to be heard from again, I say if you like the guy, you own up to it from a place of caring about him. Don't beat yourself up too much. Own up to it with integrity and owning your mistake. He could get pissed at you. He could totally appreciate you for telling him at all. And it sounds like you really like this guy and you want to do right by him. And yes, just the fact that you feel so guilty about it means you have integrity that will keep you in check. Someone without integrity would just slough it off and move on. The fact that it bothers you is a good thing. Now, question is ... What are you going to do about it? ;)

Here, here, Marina! I LOVE everything you're saying. (And welcome to our H Opp family!) Everything you say is very empowering, very solid, very life-affirming, very self-loving. And I'm glad reading the much-linked e-book has helped improve your attitude tremendously. (Speaking of, here's the much-linked link again for you curious people: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP ...) I'm curious: what has you cool off from having the disclosure conversation? I imagine it's either you thinking you'll be reminded that you're somehow worthless and dirty (which isn't true) or that the fear of rejection overwhelms you, or both? How might you switch that fear to something more healthy for yourself? And I love the idea of screaming from a mountaintop! You actually have a mountaintop to scream off of? How cool! I'm jealous! ;) Seriously though, it sounds freeing and healthy to just let it all out like that. Sometimes we don't need words. Just letting the bottled up energy out can be tremendously freeing. And yes, you are worthy of love. So worthy. More worthy than you think even now. Here's to bridging the gap to the "real world," Marina! ;) Much love! Big hug! And again, welcome!

Hi GreenEyes! I remember talking on the phone with you a little while back. Good to see you on the forums. Welcome! The truth is, there is no absolute way of knowing. The chances are slim, though. Everything in the medical literature says DIRECT skin-to-skin contact. That would mean the area of your lip that the cold sore shows up would have to touch your niece's lip directly where a break in her skin would allow the virus entry (whether you were having an active outbreak or virally shedding). Good for you for taking precautions. You did your best. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your niece could have already had cold sores. She could have got it from her grandma kissing her on the lips. She could have gotten it from anyone who doesn't know you can pass cold sores from kissing. And you stressing out about it possibly being you who passed herpes won't do anyone any good. Being careful? Good. Being paranoid? Not so good. So the short answer is: There's no way to know. The longer answer is: Based on all the stuff I've read and the experiences I've heard, it's highly unlikely that you passed it to her. The final answer is: Don't stress out about it. You did the best you can and will continue to do the best you can to protect other people from getting it. And guess what? 80% of people have oral HSV-1. Chances are quite high that most people will get it eventually. If you don't have it, you're in the extreme minority.

Yes, this is awesome that there is this possibility on the horizon, and I remember reading similar news of cures/treatments/etc. when I first got herpes about 8 years ago ... And even if this is conclusive science, then it'll take years before clinical trials allow it to be mainstream. Not to be a downer about it, but realistic. As long as I've been keeping up with herpes news, there have been hopes on the horizon, then ultimately nothing. The point is, as exciting as this possibility is, don't let this news put your life on hold until this happens. It may happen and it may not. In the meantime, let's live our lives anyway. If it does come to be, it'll be a welcome surprise. ;)

I like that you're so positive. It feels good to hear that from you after only 4 months. And I want you to know that your herpes is not what is going to give you the strength. YOU are the one who has the strength. Herpes is just a simple virus that some of us can magically make up into a huge, powerful monster. Your integrity is giving you the strength to hold back (and maybe a bit of your fear of rejection). ;) I'm so glad that you see that the herpes talk can do good instead of harm. Because that's exactly what it's all about! Having the talk shows the kind of person you are, with integrity, honor, authenticity. You have common decency with another human being. There's a lot of beauty in that. And yes, some people won't see that, some people won't see past the stigma. And that's okay, too. We can't hate on them for that and make things better. The right person will see YOU. And you know what? When I hear you say you're praying for a cure soon, I wonder if when you realize that you have taken back your life, if that's not a cure right there. The cure for herpes isn't some physical pill that we'll take to get this virus out of our body. The cure for herpes is a mental one — it's a shift in how we see ourselves and how we relate to struggles in our lives. It sounds like that's the cure that you've found for yourself. And that's what we're doing here with the Herpes Opportunity. Glad you're part of our H Opp family. We need people like you to spread the positivity instead of the shame.

Hey inspired32! I know how you feel. Having herpes can feel like all the casual hookups are gone. And that's just plain bullshit. ;) Just like what I just recently posted on everyday_normalguy's post, you are giving herpes way too much power to determine how your love life (and hookup life, for that matter) is gonna go. That's ultimately up to you. This is another example of a self-fulfilling prophecy coming into play. If you believe that you won't be able to have casual hookups, you won't put yourself out there for casual hookups. Then of course you won't be having casual hookups! I heard a great quote that reminds me of this: "Success is directly proportional to the amount of difficult conversations you're willing to have." This applies here. Totally. And the same goes for when you see your giver and the partner in crime. You're letting them affect you. Do you see even how you say when you see them, it "makes me feel worthless"? That's giving them all the power to make you feel a certain way. You determine that. Nobody can make you feel a certain way. No one can make you feel worthless. What's happening is they are reminding yourself of the beliefs you already have about being worthless. And you're not worthless. This is an opportunity to shift that belief in yourself so they don't trigger you anymore. If you no longer own that belief, what they say or how they look at you won't trigger that belief. It's like if someone cut you down saying your green hair sucks. You don't have green hair, so it clearly doesn't apply to you. I am confused, however, when you talk about making out at the bar and then your integrity catches up to you. We still get to act from our integrity, even if it’s a one-night stand. The disclosure conversation doesn’t have to sound like “I love you, I see us going so deep and committed and I want you to know something before we move toward marriage ...” It can sound like “Hey, I’m so hot for you right now, and before we get intimate, I want you to know something important …” The disclosure conversation is all about honesty before becoming physically intimate with someone else. That's it. Common human decency at its core. That doesn't take random flings off the menu. It just means having a conversation that EVERYONE should be having before having sex. Then you're opening the door for them to tell you what they have or don't have. Important stuff. Then let the games begin! ;) By the way, we'll be working on how to disclose from integrity and self-acceptance in any situations at the herpes weekend seminar. You should come! You'll get a lot of "aha" moments around all of this and more. ;)

Did you know you had herpes when you passed it to her? Or was it an honest, ignorant mistake? Regardless, it seems clear to me (based only on what you've said here) that you don't want to be in the relationship. That what is having you stay in the relationship is more fear than love. And I get how having herpes (and the guilt of passing it to her, too) could feel like a jail cell. And that's a self-imposed jail cell, by the way, bro. If you really get that herpes is not going to hold you back in life, if you REALLY GET that, then you won't allow it to hold you back. Because herpes doesn't have the power to keep you in a relationship you don't want to be in. Herpes doesn't have the power to not let you experience the world like you want. You are GIVING herpes that power. And once you realize that, then you can take that power back and stop being a victim to it. Trust me, I know what feeling like a victim means. I put myself through it for years. And now I'm on a mission to not let people like you go through the same suffering that I put myself through. So I'm speaking from experience. Much love, bro. I hope you do what's best for you while still honoring your girlfriend. Is she happy in this relationship? What is it you really want once you realize that herpes isn't the issue here?

No, no pictures or videos. If you want the experience, you gotta come to NC! Why can't you make it?

What? He just stopped returning your calls? What's up with this string of guys not even being forthright with you? I'm sorry, Jacqueline. And don't let him vanishing mean anything about you. You're NOT insignificant (as far as I can see, at least ... are you seeing something I'm not?). Regardless, I feel your pain. And I'm sending you love from NC, girl. I hope to see you in October.

I've had a few people tell me it's happening to them, but I don't know if it's happening for everyone. Everyone? Is it happening to you?

Yeah, unfortunately I've talked with the tech guy (me) and he says there's not a way now to get rid of it. I'm sorry!

Yeah, my girlfriend and I don't use condoms, I take daily suppressive therapy (Acyclovir, 400mg 2x daily), and for the 3 years we've been together, she hasn't gotten it. The chances are actually pretty low of passing herpes if you know your prodromal symptoms, are aware of them and take suppressive therapy. And FYI, whether to use condoms or not are purely a personal decision that each couple makes together. If the partner without herpes is willing to take on more risk to trade off less protection, that's their decision to make. And hey, sex with a condom is still pretty damn sexy, too. ;)

Hey again, CAS! It's been a while! One word: Boundaries. If you truly don't want to have contact with anyone in your life, whether they gave you herpes or they just give you a headache ... it's your right to not have to get contacted by them if you don't want it. And you can do it in a nice way, but it's an option for you. Don't put up with anything that doesn't serve you. And in the same breath, I feel the need to say there's an opportunity for you to forgive him. I read a great facebook quote today: "The first step to forgiveness is ... realizing they're batshit crazy." If you need that kind of a realization to truly forgive, then do it. Holding resentment and hatred is only hurting yourself. Resenting somebody else is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. ;)

Thank you for sharing yourself here, Kath_R! Welcome to our community! Your story is the perfect example of how a self-fulfilling prophecy could easily come true if you believe it enough. Do you see that? Do you see how if you truly believe in your heart of hearts that all those beliefs of yours are absolutely true that you will start to act as if they are true? Then *poof* they become true. And you look back on your college days and think that it was because of herpes that you didn't have fun, didn't sleep with anyone, didn't take any chances ... when in reality, it was YOU who held yourself back from all that. Herpes just became the excuse to make all those beliefs true for yourself. And I DON'T want that to happen for you. DON'T waste your college days on false beliefs. So it's imperative that you get that right now that it's YOUR DECISION whether you believe all those things about herpes. I agree with jubejube. The world is STILL your oyster. No herpes is going to change that! Yes, sex changes. (That's the only constant in this world as a whole: Change.) Yes, you will have the herpes talk. Some people will say yes. Some people will say no. And isn't that what dating is about anyway? Whether you have herpes or not, some people will say yes, some people will say no. Take this as an opportunity to know yourself, Kath. No herpes or other people's opinions will change that. Here's a quote that ties in nicely: "Never lose your happiness. Problems will come and go, problems are an external situation which have come from others, and they will come and go. Happiness is your own property and you always keep something that belongs to you." Enjoy your college days, Kath, and please keep checking in with us if you need reminding. :) Much love!

Carlos, thanks for sharing that story, bro. And it makes perfect sense why you wouldn't trust an initial positive response after a herpes disclosure. I'm sorry your father reacted like that. I'm sorry he didn't see the beauty of your vulnerability with him. I feel sad hearing that he didn't see you for you in that moment. It seems that all he saw were his own negative judgments and selfishness. He saw himself. He didn't see you. AND I get that this kind of an experience would have you disclose via email and phone. After being seemingly rejected by your own father (I'm sure deep down he loved you, but was just going about showing you in a really backwards way), you don't want that kind of rejection to happen again. When you put yourself out there like that and the person you love doesn't recognize it as a courageous and connecting thing, it's hard to see it that way yourself. But the fact is, regardless of anyone else's reaction, regardless of your father's reaction, you disclosing that you're gay, you disclosing that you have herpes — or air-peth (the gallegan pronunciation, you see) — is vulnerable and an offering to be closer. Sometimes the other person doesn't recognize it for what it is. Instead, they are clouded by their own judgments and stigma. But that doesn't change what it is. Some people don't recognize truth, whether it's because their ignorant of it, they simply don't want to know or they're not ready. And in a way, that has to be okay. I know I have the tendency to shoot my judgment right back at the person judging me ("Well at least I'm not an ignorant little shit like you!"), but that only tends to continue the cycle of disconnection. Instead, I like to practice compassion, especially for the people who reject my vulnerability. So Carlos, instead of backing away from face-to-face disclosure, what if you went for it anyway? Because disclosure is intimate. It's doing intimacy a disservice to do it over the phone or via email. Being vulnerable means showing yourself. How can you do that behind the curtain of email or phone? I know on some level you know this to be true, but are simply scared of being hurt again. I totally get that. And I honor the fear, bro. I really do. And that's where the growth lies. And that's exactly what you're scared of. That's the irony. Here's a perfect quote for this from Joseph Campbell (one of the pre-eminent scholars of the men's movement): "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." Dude, as cliché as it sounds, THIS is the warrior's path. You can choose to turn away or head toward it. Feel me? (And trust me, I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to you, brotha.) P.S. I have drank of the aguardiente. So good! Especially when done in the customary way of putting it in a pot, lighting it on fire and mixing in sugar. Mmmmm.

Wow. Thank you for sharing this, Emily ... I can hear the "blowed-away-ness" in your post. ;) Seems like it's hard for you to believe that a guy can actually see you as worth the risk of getting herpes. And yet here it is. Plain as day. Just goes to show, you can never assume how another person will perceive herpes — even if you think if the roles were reversed you would dump yourself. ;) Each person has a completely different perspective, a completely different association with the stigma (or lack thereof). Sounds like after all the stigma and hype around herpes settles, your man actually has a fair view of what this actually is: Just an occasionally uncomfortable skin rash. Nothing more (unless we make it up that it's something more). Thanks again, Emily! I'm so happy for you! Sounds like you've got a nice lil relationship a-brewin'! Keep us up to date, you lovebirds, you.