mr_hopp

I remember this internal battle in myself. I actually started of suicidal when I got herpes. Wow. (Can you believe that?) Looking back on this time for me has me realizing how entrenched I was in stigma and bullshit thinking. I have so much compassion for that sad person I once was. And my heart goes out to you in your internal struggle. It sounds exhausting. And I feel like I can relate. My heart aches in a beautiful way when I read "The only thing I've ever wanted, the only thing I've ever really sought after, was love." And then my immediate curiosity is to know what you love about yourself? Could you take this time to fall in love with yourself? To be that same friend it sounds like you have been for everyone else in your life? What would it be like for you to shine that kind of compassion and joy onto yourself? It sounds like you already know all of this, but I wonder if hearing it from me will help to really grind it in deeper? ;) Love yourself. Accept yourself. Right now. As you are. Forgive yourself for your choices. Our choices and how we handle what come out of our choices is what makes us into the person we are. It's not about conquering your own thoughts. It's about making an active decision that whenever those thoughts come up and you find yourself entrenched in that bullshit "I'm not enough/I'm dirty/I deserve to be sad/I'll never find anyone to love me" paradigm, you decide in that moment to forgive yourself again, to accept yourself. Enough shaming. Enough beating yourself up. It'll take something for you to love yourself. You've worked the not loving yourself muscle for long enough, sista. ;) It's time to start working the muscle that will have you feeling grateful and alive again. Because you are alive. And that's the awesome part. Welcome to the community, Paradise_Lost. Much love and big hugs. Keep reaching out if you need to. We're here for you.

Hey Lifechange! Here are a few blog posts that speak to exactly what you're asking about. The barometer for when to have the herpes talk is the level of trust you feel for this person plus the level of attraction. That's the sweet spot. You're entrusting them with a vulnerable piece of information. And giving them a chance to actually get to know you before getting to know herpes is always a good way to go about it. ;) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk/ http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

Being a martyr doesn't help anyone. And sacrificing yourself is actually killing yourself little by little. Sacrifice sounds so noble in our culture, but truly sacrificing ourselves means we're not actually allowing ourselves to live. When we come from loving ourselves first then love others, that's a whole new level of deep love.

Also, check out this thread I just posted. These handouts will be super helpful to you: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/686/post-diagnosis-handout-post-disclosure-handout/p1

Hey you awesome community! There's been a lot of talk on here about herpes stats and questions about herpes transmission and what to share during the herpes talk. So, I've been hard at work compiling and synthesizing information into 2 separate handouts for you to make everything clear for both you and your potential partners. 1. Post-diagnosis handout: Especially for those who are newly diagnosed (and for everyone else for that matter) with all those question marks floating around in your head. There are a lot of conflicting stats out there. This is all the high-level information you should know right off the bat. http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout 2. Post-disclosure handout: This is a "cheat sheet" that you can use after a disclosure to answer all of those questions your potential partner will have about the risks associated with herpes transmission. http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout What do you think? Any feedback is much appreciated!

We love you, butterfly. And now it sounds like it's a good time for you to fall in love with yourself. Ever heard that cliché? Well, there's a damn good reason it's a cliché: Before you truly love yourself, no one else will. It sounds like you're putting a lot of importance in what someone else thinks about you. Whether someone loves you or not doesn't make you lovable or unlovable. Whether you love yourself or not does. And trust me, I've been there. Still catch myself feeling that way. And then I have to remind myself to love myself in those moments. To accept myself. Much love to you. Talk soon.

So awesome, Kath! Enjoy it and soak it all in. You deserve it. And you're more than welcome. So glad to hear that this site helped you get there. Feeling happy hearing that. :)

Hey billings! Here's a blog post I wrote and video on this topic. Short answer: Don't put your life on hold until there is a cure for herpes. It might never come. Then what did you do all that time waiting? If it does come (probably earliest will be about 5 years after any clinical trials and such), then it'll be a pleasant surprise. Live your life now. Learn how to get to the point where you discover yourself as the kind of person who shines brighter than a simple skin condition. http://herpeslife.com/herpes-cure/

I agree with Lelani & Katie/Cedar. I like your attitude. You're hella cool. Duh. ;) Glad you're a part of our heartfelt and funny community. I also want to speak to something else that came up for me when reading your story. It's something that I can resonate with because I do it, too: Comedy as avoidance/coverup. So I say this not to be preachy, but to share with you my experience to see if it relates to you. I tend to use comedy to brush past what I'm actually feeling. When I actually allow myself to settle into whatever it is I might be avoiding through making jokes, I generally come to find that emotion I've actually been avoiding feeling: Sadness, anger, disappointment. I also say this hesitantly because I do believe laughter and enjoyment of life is the best medicine. AND there is a healthy balance between letting myself feel what is really there and making light of it through joking around. It's healthy to allow myself to feel it all, and it's made all the difference in the world. I feel a fuller sense of life when I accept myself in all of my feelings. Does that link up to your experience at all?

Well, I'd love to read what you have to write (and that goes for anyone else, too, who is inspired to contribute)! Feel free to write whatever you feel would help people and we'll see about adding your articles to the herpeslife blog. Email whatever articles you write to my email hello [at] thehopp [dot] com. Just make sure you scan through the blog articles that have already been written so you can get a feel for our voice as a community on the blog.

Everyone is creative, genussbutterfly. You just have to be open to realizing you are. ;) Ultimately, when you have a connection with someone, you're going to naturally want to explore with them, find new ways to play, find new ways to find what turns them on that doesn't always include the genitals (how boring would that be if the only intimacy you had was JUST the genitals?). You can talk about each other's sexual fantasies, nibble on each others ear lobes, bite different parts of their body, massage each other, play naked twister, silently gaze into each others eyes without breaking eye contact for 10 minutes, being vulnerable about how you feel with them in the moment, light candles and blind fold each other while lightly touching each other's bodies ... The list goes on and on. And when you're open to being vulnerable with that person, you'll find all sorts of new and fun ways to explore. And you can't quite build a list ahead of time, because a lot of what comes out of it will be a co-exploration with your partner. Since that partner isn't here (yet), you'll just have to see what they want, too, and you can explore that together in the moment. It's very fun and herpes NEVER gets in the way of true, deep intimacy. Remember that. And as far as how to talk about a herpes outbreak while you're in a relationship, here's a video I made about how to approach the subject in a playful, not-a-big-deal way:

I'm so happy to hear that you're inspired to do that! Let's talk about you contributing your thoughts, feelings and ideas on http://www.herpeslife.com ... What sorts of blog topics are you interested in writing about?

During the first 6 months, you will get the most outbreaks as your body is getting used to having this new virus. After your body develops antibodies for it, the outbreaks will naturally slow down, both in intensity and frequency. I'm always a fan of not leaning on the medication, but to just use this as a great reason to simply take better care of yourself across the board: eat healthy, think positive thoughts, treat yourself well. All of those help your body develop greater resistance to any outside bug, including herpes. And when I was with my partner who didn't have herpes, I wanted to protect her, so I went on daily suppressive therapy. I took 400mg of Acyclovir 2x/day. Now that I'm single, I don't take daily suppressive therapy. I only get 1-2 outbreaks per year, so it's really not needed unless I get back into a relationship to protect a partner who doesn't have herpes. If the outbreaks don't bother you, I wouldn't take the medication. Consider that any medication you take needs to be processed through your liver, so there is a cost to the health of your liver for each pill you take. I only take medication if it's absolutely necessary. For everything else, I just take better care of myself. And I use the outbreak times as my body really telling me to slow down and chill out. When you take the stigma out of herpes, it is just a skin irritation that shows up to remind me to take care of myself. Here's a blog post I wrote about herpes and medication: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/

Hey MissD! Welcome! And FYI, there's nothing on this forum that is TMI. :) Doesn't it suck how the stigma can have us believing strange things like this? The short answers to all of your questions above are no. You'd have to really try to spread herpes in the ways you're asking about. Pretty much the only way to spread it like that is if the liquid within an actual herpes sore gets touched and spread around. And when you're having an outbreak, just wash your hands whenever you touch the sores. Here's a blog article I wrote How can you get herpes?

Yes, if you believe that to be the case, then it's a classic self-fulfilling prophecy. I haven't had any problems with women rejecting me because of herpes. And I know plenty of people out there who see past herpes as a limitation in their life. My last relationship was 3.5 years and she didn't contract the virus. We didn't use protection, but I was on daily suppressive therapy. But the real point here is, what is worth someone taking a chance of possibly contracting herpes? You are. And if you don't think you are, then get to know yourself as someone who actually is. Then herpes isn't the big, cold stone wall that you're making it out to be right now. It's ultimately your choice. And yes, it will require you to be vulnerable, to take a chance. I'm not here to convince you one way or the other, but I am here to show you there are many more options than you are giving yourself credit for right now.

Hi Aim, Even though this guy has seen you naked, the way you disclose will be the same. You're still going to have integrity and honesty. Nothing about that changes. And the whole "how soon to disclose" conversation is a big one on these forums. It sounds like you're ready to disclose. So don't let the fact that you haven't disclosed (yet) be a reason for you to shame yourself. You can disclose now with just as much honor. Have you read the e-book yet? That goes into everything you need to know about how to disclose in a positive way: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP ... Good luck, Aim! And welcome to the site!

Hey Scott, Congrats on a relationship getting to the point of disclosure! This is the time to get excited, not all worried. Moving towards intimacy means there's something important about this relationship. I'm happy for you, brother. There is no 100% protection. Although taking daily suppressive therapy brings down the chances of transmission by 50-90% (depending on what study you read) and then if you wear a condom, that brings it down by another 50%. Also, knowing your prodrome symptoms and how your body gives you signals that the virus is waking up is important. Here's an article I just wrote yesterday on that, by the way: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-prodrome-symptoms/ Sidenote about condoms: It also depends on where your outbreaks occur. If the condom doesn't cover up the area where you usually get outbreaks and you're rubbing that part against your partner, the condom doesn't do much good. And no, why would you segregate yourself to just dating someone with HSV? There are plenty of people out there who wouldn't throw you out simply because of a stigmatized skin condition. ;) Have you read the disclosure e-book yet? http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

Hey amazon! How this thread works is you can go through the people who have already posted, and if someone sounds like a good fit for you, send them a private message! And then if someone sees your posting and thinks you're a good fit, they'll message you. Easy breezy. :)

Coffeepal, 15-20% of people who have genital herpes never have any signs or symptoms. Ever. You may be one of those people who never gets an outbreak and you may not be. Regardless, what you were feeling sounds like what I'm assuming asymptomatic viral shedding feels like. I occasionally get burning/itching sensations where my outbreaks normally occur, but no outbreak ends up happening. I imagine that's the virus silently shedding, so I abstain from anything sexual during those times. Viral shedding happens 5-10% of the time on average (more if you have genital HSV2 and less if you have genital HSV1).

I'm so glad you're asking these questions from the other side of things. And it says so much that you're already seeing through the cultural stigma and seeing the great guy that he clearly is to you. And yes, there is always a risk. (Isn't love risky regardless of whether there's a virus in the way or not?) AND with a partner who knows his status and the prodrome symptoms, you can still stay supremely safe. For example, my now-ex-girlfriend and I were together for 3.5 years, had unprotected sex the whole time — I took daily suppressive therapy with Acyclovir — and she never got herpes. (Don't take this as meaning that it won't happen to you, but it is my story.) I attribute it to a whole host of things: My awesome immune system, my awareness about when my outbreaks were coming and when asymptomatic viral shedding was occurring (itching, slight burning sensations around the area where my outbreaks normally occurred), the daily suppressive therapy I took, her solid belief that she wasn't going to get it, our overall health and communication in our relationship. There is so much to consider in relationship. And when it comes down to it, the main question to consider for yourself is ... Do you feel good when you're with him? If so, all else is just logistical considerations. ;) Congrats on finding a great man, froggygurl.

I'm so happy for you SFD! Thanks for sharing your inspiration with our community. See how sharing one story can help so many? Who knew? ;) And it feels so good to hear you doing so well and excited about life. That's more contagious than herpes ever has been. ;) Much love!

Yes, I hear your sad heart loud and clear. I think what we tend to forget about with our focus so on herpes is that love in general is risky. Love is vulnerable. Putting our heart out there with herpes or not is vulnerable. And indeed life as a whole is vulnerable. We could die at any second. And with that knowledge, living feels that much sweeter. So in each moment are we choosing little deaths or aliveness? Finding love will require us to put our heart on the line. And there is always the possibility of our heart being bruised and hurt. And there is always the possibility of it being seen, accepted, held, and appreciated. Deeply appreciated. It's all a beautiful risk.

Hey Coffeepal! The latest and greatest info will always be available here: http://herpesopportunity.com ... As it stands now, the next weekend will probably happen in the next 3-4 months. And if you're on the email list, you'll be the first to know once I announce the next date so there's plenty of time to plan for it! If you're not on the email list yet, here's how to sign up for that: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

I remember feeling a lot like you describe. I haven't been raped, so I can't begin to imagine what that's like. But i do know my own version of intense suffering, of wishing things would go back to the way they were. But you know what? None of us will ever be the way we were. Moment by moment, we change. Our life experience teaches us and opens us up to who we truly are. That said, I urge you to go to your local rape crisis center and ask for help if you haven't already. You'll be amazed at how much that will help you heal. There is so much love and heartfelt support there. I volunteered as a rape crisis counselor for about 6 months. It was a beautiful experience, even amidst all the pain and suffering and anger and heartbreak. Sometimes immense pain and suffering can open us up to more beauty and acceptance in our lives (if we allow it to). One thing I want you to know about the rape specifically is to not call yourself a victim. That gives all your power away, even in this moment. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are courageous. Your life begins again in each and every moment. You get to decide how to continue. And as for herpes? That will work itself out in the same process you are continuing through learning to love and accept yourself as you are. It's the same process. Once you truly realize on a deep level who you are, that will begin to shift how you relate to others and will allow them to see you on a deeper level, too. I have so much trust in your own process and that time will take care of itself. No matter how long it takes, you are on the path. Don't look to clock time for an answer of how long it will take. Look to your own heart and ask what it needs. That will tell you your next step. Here are a whole slew of quotes I'd like to share with you, said by people whose hearts I trust. "When we come close to those things that break us down, we touch those things that also break us open. And in that breaking open, we uncover our true nature." ~Wayne Muller "You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." - Sri Ram "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. — Anais Nin I am strong because I've been weak. I am fearless because I've been afraid. I am wise because I've been foolish. At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end. We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. (Kenji Miyazawa) Suffering is given to you that you might open your eyes to the truth. Anthony Demello The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? (Kahlil Gibran) “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Again, I see what you're focusing on even in your response. You're right. There are plenty of reasons for you to be angry. (And plenty of reasons to be grateful, too.) Find the subconscious motivation behind what being angry is getting for you. There's a reason that its there. Then you'll understand yourself better and why it's so important to be angry over being grateful. There's nothing inherently wrong with your anger. Remember that. accept yourself in your anger. Get curious about it. Get closer to it. Strive to understand it and yourself. Stop arguing for your limitations and start living in such a way that inspires you.