mr_hopp

I'm sorry that you got herpes from lies and deceit. That's how I got herpes, too. My girlfriend at the time cheated on me. The way many people relate to having herpes (or how they relate to having relationships) in general contributes to the idea that herpes is a deceitful disease. It's not. It's a skin rash that has a huge stigma around it. It doesn't mean that you're all those deceitful things. Just because he passed herpes to you doesn't mean he passed all of his deceit and less-than-stellar personality flaws, too. And I get that you know that. But it doesn't hurt to reiterate that fact. :) And it sounds like you have a great friend. Anyone who can look at my private parts as a favor is a good friend in my book. ;) Much love, Jem!

Hi MrsNaPoe and welcome to the forums ... Do you really believe that your present experience of having herpes will remain the same for the rest of your life? I know your relationship to having herpes (and your relationship to yourself) will change. How is the level of stress in your life? Do you take care of yourself physically and mentally? All of that plays a huge role in how healthy you are in a holistic way and that plays into how many outbreaks you have. It's a damn good excuse to work out, take care of your body, eat healthy and think healthy. And I'm glad you have a patient husband. :) And I imagine he didn't marry you in spite of having herpes. If we asked him, I'm sure he'd spill out a laundry list of all the lovely things about you that overshadow a silly little skin condition. Much love! I'm glad you're here with us.

And Leslie, what can I say? I love you. It was so great to finally see you and meet in the flesh after all this time where skype was all we got together. It feels really good hearing that your experience was so resonant and powerful. Really, really good. You deserve every ounce of happiness that you can take in. A million your welcomes right back at you. It was so, so good to have you there.

I wish I could help with the more logistical cases concerning women, but I 1) don't have the lady parts to make that feasible and 2) don't shave my legs. ;) But what I do know is that there is a possibility of any sort of aggravation of that area can stimulate a herpes outbreak, but it doesn't mean that herpes will "spread" there. For the most part, people will have outbreaks in the same general area. Other times, rough sex or any other way that the area gets aggravated leads to the nerves to carry the virus to the surface of the skin. Keep an eye on it, but I wouldn't be paranoid about it. Ultimately, it is what it is. Get to know your body and see what happens. You can always deal with it in the moment and worrying about it doesn't help anybody. :) Much love! I hope I helped even though I don't share the lady parts!

Ah, thanks for the curiosity, Bobby. I'm not sure what exactly you'd like to hear other than a general story. My story leading up to my realization is in this guest blog I wrote: http://www.thecoaches.com/blog/2011/07/herpes-as-transformational-opportunity/ Beyond that, life has been so inspiring and beautiful, I can hardly stand it at the moment. And reveling in the beauty of it all. And that's not even close to hyperbole. I truly feel this on a deep level even as I type this reply. My whole body is trembling with excitement about where life is now and where it's headed. The love and support and acceptance I feel in my life keeps growing and deepening to such a beautiful degree. And all of that has become available because I have opened myself up to that possibility. The community coming together around this "Opportunity" concept (not just in herpes, but now expanding into other shame-filled arenas, such as homosexuality, obesity, trichotillomania, and even rape) has been nothing less than awe-inspiring. Having lead the second Herpes Opportunity workshop this past weekend has me feeling so on purpose and lit up with inspiration that my heart could explode. And you know, herpes is so far from an obstacle for me now, it's amazing. If anything, it has been that 4x4 that smacked me upside the head and woke me up to what's important, a doorway into greater and greater transparency and vulnerability for myself across the board. Transparency not just in disclosing herpes in romantic situations, but being more and more vulnerable in my life in general. (And recognizing that even when sex isn't involved in romantic situations is teaching me that intimacy isn't just about sexual penetration; it goes so much deeper and wider than that. So much richer than what I had ever thought possible.) Big takeaway for me (so far): You don't need to have herpes in order to have an excuse to go to greater depths of vulnerability, intimacy and connection. But it was my struggle with herpes that taught me this amazing lesson that I will never forget. What I have learned from positively and lovingly disclosing herpes and the connections that has led to has me recognizing all the other opportunities in my life to be vulnerable to have access to more connection. To go deeper in love and connection in every single aspect of my life has been my experience, and it only keeps growing and going deeper. There's no stopping it now. And it feels so, so good. If you have any other specific questions, please go for it! This feels good to share and reflect on for myself. I appreciate your asking. :)

I feel your pain, Silas. And it hurts my heart to hear you say you hate yourself for the way you act. I see it as a natural reaction to the overwhelming stigma our society has placed on our shared skin condition. I felt the same way when I first got herpes: I'm contagious! Everyone within a 5-foot radius of me will get herpes if I so much as sneeze! And after coming to understand all of the basics of how people get herpes, I stopped being so paranoid. Because what I knew about it and believed about it became more powerful and true for me than the general societal perspective on it. Sometimes that kind of perspective shift takes time to adopt for yourself. And sometimes it takes a moment to make the decision for yourself. And the question you ask at the end may be the answer that you're seeking. Educate yourself to the point where you realize there's nothing to worry about. Then you get to calm down. Relax. Enjoy your life again. Sometimes it's the intention that you set for yourself that is the most powerful part. And again, I hear your pain. I feel it. And I feel for you. I want you to be happy. And I also want you to be true to yourself and honor whatever process it is that you're going through.

Good to hear from you on this thread, lively. You strike me as a solid contributor to this conversation across the board. Whenever I read your posts, I feel it. This whole conversation is reminding me what our world is turning into: An empathy-driven one. Not just what it's like to be me in someone else's shoes, but what it's like to be someone else. To feel what they are feeling. To be connected to the feelings of humanity. At least that's the vision I'm holding. And to have more and more of you on board with that vision is feeling really good.

Can you see how this can be an opportunity for you to consider all of these things for yourself, how you relate to your life in general that is highlighted by this difficult situation? We don't have your answers for you. You do. But we are here to love you and support you through the process.

It was sooooo good to have you there, Brenda. Awesomeness all around. Such a surreal moment to finally meet you in person after developing such a respect and love for you through your contributions on this forum. You truly have one of the biggest mothering hearts I've felt. Shameless plug coming up! Here's the website with all the information on the seminar: http://thehopp.com

If the situation were reversed, how would you hope they would handle it with you?

This is all right on, superwoman. Thank you for sharing all of this. There are lessons in everything, and I love how fair you are being to yourself. Beautifully done. :) There will be many, many others who would love to be in relationship with you and your integrity.

Dude, not cool to leave us all hangin' like this ... ;)

What had you not insist on a condom or make him stop? I imagine it was that you didn't want to "ruin the moment" or that you were worried that he wouldn't like you if you insisted? Or was it something else? Consider, too, that you don't know what he has. He could have given you an STD, too. Not a lot of us consider that when it comes to unsafe sex. Just because we focus most on us having herpes. It goes both ways. Other people have STDs, too. We are putting each other at risk if we don't insist on communicating all of this. Also, this sounds like the inability to flex your own boundaries. What is your relationship to holding boundaries for yourself across the board in life, not just in relationships/sex?

Hi jem, I hear you're worrying about this. Sounds frustrating and difficult. Sounds like your integrity is getting the best of you after the fact, beating yourself up over something you can't take back. I've been there before, so no judgment here. Before we get into giving you any advice, what are you learning about yourself and how would you have done it differently if you could go back and do it again?

Me too! So many awesome people converging on North Carlina. Raleigh won't even know what hit it! 10 participants, 16 staff, one amazing weekend. So excited! Really looking forward to meeting everyone in person and sharing such a profound space with all of you!

Beautiful. You illustrate so eloquently exactly what so many people can't get past: Our own internal dialogue that tries to convince us to keep this all hush hush. When we actually allow ourselves to be vulnerable with people we feel we can trust, a magical thing happens: We are whole-heartedly accepted and still loved. Perhaps more than ever because we are sharing more of ourselves with someone who wants to know us on a deeper level anyway. You know how when a friend confides in you about something, how you feel? To me, it's an honor when someone I care about shares something difficult with me. I feel let into their heart. It's no different here. It's less about them judging us about having an STD and more about showing ourselves more to people who want to know us.

This is beautiful to read, domh ... Sounds like you're granting yourself the freedom you deserve. It's amazing how much we can make up around what herpes will mean in our lives. When we can let go of all those stories that only turn out being true if we believe them, then we allow ourselves to live our life as it actually is instead of how we fear it might possibly be.

First off, past boyfriends not calling you to tell you they have herpes isn't the same as getting regular STD screenings. ;) Secondly, when you start a new relationship, whether you have an STD or not, please get tested! You don't want to add to your nice little STD collection, do you? And no, there's no way for you to tell how you got it. After what I realized many years later was my first outbreak, I didn't have my actual first lesion show up for 4 years! (My girlfriend cheated on me and got herpes and immediately gave it to me after we had sex during her first outbreak. I thought I dodged a bullet when really it was just lying dormant all those years.) And at this point it doesn't help to spin your wheels wondering how you got it.You will never know absolutely for sure. Ask him directly and have an honest conversation about it. That's the best you can hope for.

I had severe fever, bed-ridden for about a week while I was also having my first herpes outbreak. But subsequent outbreaks haven't been accompanied by flu-like symptoms. The first outbreak is your body trying to fight off the new virus in your body. Hence the flu. After that, your body is upping the antibodies to fight off the virus in the background. This is why staying as healthy as possible helps withstand future outbreaks.

I'm so glad to hear that, Atlantic. There are other great free sites out there, too, like okcupid and lets date. It's the people who ONLY date on herpes sites that breaks my heart. What are we, lepers? ;) Short answer: Heck no!

Inspiring stuff Sassy. I'm glad you're here. I love your outlook and contributions to this community. You aren't herpes. You are how you live your life with herpes (and everything else we encounter in life). It's not our challenges that define us. It's who we are in the face of the challenges. Big hugs, Sassy! ;)

Welcome Amalia. Sorry to hear you're not feelin' too swell. What does your doctor have to say about it? Are you taking care of yourself? When you're first exposed to the herpes virus, the body works overtime to protect itself and build up antibodies. And taking care of yourself, just like any other bout of the flu (drink lots of water, vitamin C, lots of rest, etc) will do you well.

Hey Domo! I don't know when I'll be having the next group call, but for now have you downloaded the audio recording?

Yes! Totally! Here's a discussion posted in December around this exact topic! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/422/putting-herpes-into-perspective-/p1 Also, what's important is to realize that even though comparing ourselves to others might make us feel better about our specific situation, that same mechanism of comparison can also find examples that show us how much our lives suck. It's a sneaky thing. I say let's live our unique lives without comparison and practice gratitude for what we do have. (If you figure out how to do this 100%, let me know. I'm definitely working on this myself.) ;) Much love!

You know, I read a fascinating article once about the possible evolutionary reason for depression. It ultimately said that depression is our natural way to tune out the regular distractions in our life and focus on ourselves. To focus on our broken hearts, to tend to what we had previously been avoiding. To go back to the source of us. In that way, depression can be seen as a beautiful biological way for us to reconnect to ourselves. Depression is another one of those things that has a tremendous cultural stigma also. If you're depressed, it's harder to reach out due to fear of being judged. But reframing it to recognizing it as your body and heart's way of healing is beautiful. There's nothing wrong with that. Ultimately, the question becomes: When you are alone with yourself, depressed, how are you treating yourself? How are you treating your heart? Is being by yourself healing your tender wounds or ripping them deeper? And about your fear of rejection, definitely have a listen to our most recent group phone call about how to never feel rejected. It goes way more in depth into all this. :) http://eepurl.com/tNKir