mr_hopp

Niki! There are tons of success stories out there! Have you read all these? http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/categories/herpes-talk-success-stories There's absolutely no reason to believe that a simple little virus called herpes is going to stop you from your dream of marriage, children, love. Stop believing all the stigma hype and really get on a deep level that you are totally worthy of love. It's a process of self-acceptance. And what a beautiful process. I would count myself as another positive success story. I am in one of the most loving, supportive, deep and powerful relationships of my life. We are close friends, amazing lovers and beautifully transparent and vulnerable with each other. We inspire each other daily in living our purposes in this world. (She even helped staff the last H Opp workshop in January, in fact.) And she doesn't have herpes. Now if I believed all those things you're believing about herpes meaning we won't have the type of relationship we deserve, I would have never believed this kind of relationship were possible. I wouldn't have been available for it. I wouldn't have allowed it to show up in my life. Believing that we're not worthy closes us up to the organic opportunities that are constantly surrounding us every day of our lives. A shift in perspective can make it seem like the whole world changes, but what actually changes is us stopping from getting in our own ways. Good luck on your journey of self-love. Hopping on these forums and sharing yourself like you're doing is a beautiful first step. Honored to be one of the ones supporting you in such a worthy goal.

Yes, it's so true. When we can sidestep those learned behaviors and beliefs that have us convincing ourselves that we're less than, then we can return to being ourselves. It is like we come into this world perfectly whole and beautiful, we learn all these beliefs that have us believing we aren't, then we spend the rest of our lives breaking down those beliefs to return to that pure place of knowing we're whole. Wow, what a ride. ;)

Thanks for sharing your story here, bro. I feel sad hearing how you're relating to having herpes and what you think that means for your future. Reading "Being 37 and always dreamed of being a father and having a family, it doesn't seem as if it would be possible anymore" hit my heart hard. What convinces you that this is going to be the case? There are plenty of cases that point to the fact that what you're believing simply isn't the case. And I remember feeling that was true. It's up to you how that belief will play out. Whether you decide to believe it as true or take a chance on it being bullshit that you choose to believe about yourself to keep yourself safe from possibly being hurt. But let's be honest here: Dating in general is vulnerable. We face possible rejection on every date, herpes or not. So don't let the fact that you have herpes sentence you to being a childless, lonely man. I want you to prove to yourself that you're worth it. Because you know you are, don't you?

Nice. He basically took the words right out of your mouth. ;) Congrats on the mutual disclosure and all the fun to be had!

I hear ya, stubborn. And I'm glad you had such a positive aha moment! :) And yeah, it could be worse ... But I imagine people who have HIV or cancer reading this would be a little peeved to hear you have a glum perspective on having those things, too. ;) What if you do get cancer or HIV now that you've run that comparison? Will it actually be the end of your happiness then? Or would you actually be able to find your opportunity within those things, too? I'm currently helping other wounded healers start their own Opportunities. One of them is the Cancer Opportunity. And Nicole is finding plenty of beauty in her life thanks to cancer. So yes, there are so many people worse off than where we're sitting right now. In fact, if you’re reading this on your computer right now, you’re already in much better shape than the vast majority of humanity on this earth. There are many things you can find out there in the world to prove that you’re in much better shape than many, many others … And it could be better, too. Uh oh. ;) Yep, you can find many more people around you who seemingly have it much better than you have it right now. So where do you focus your attention? That leads us to the next topic ... Comparison’s a bitch! ;) The same exact mechanism that has you comparing in one direction also has you comparing in the other direction, too. It's like building the muscle up that immediately has us comparing up or comparing down. It's equal opportunity. I say we throw out the comparison altogether and practice gratitude for what we have.

Thanks for sharing! This is good to know. AND I want to underline that what I want to really focus on in our community is that we are disclosing not out of fear of possible legal ramifications, but out of genuine care for another human being, out of honoring integrity and vulnerability.

Great! Thanks for this, Learningasigo! Here's an older post with a lot of great quotes, too! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/303/who-made-the-mess-and-other-inspirational-quotes-#Item_32

And in the meantime (because trust me, over the years, there have been MANY of these kinds of hopes out there for a cure/treatment), the way for us to actually overcome the stigma is to accept it for ourselves. Be contagious. Spread knowledge. Spread acceptance. Spread love. Spread okayness. That's what the herpes opportunity is all about. We don't have to wait for a cure for that to happen now.

Here's a new finding (just 3 days ago!): http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/03/130325160231.htm

What's possible when you switch your perspective? That's where the power comes back. That's where your beauty is able to be seen. You're here for a reason. For many reasons. Let those reasons be seen in all their beauty. Stop covering them up. The world deserves you. How do these videos parallel your experience with herpes?

I get the fear. And that's why disclosing takes trust. Disclosing is a vulnerable act. If you trust the person you're disclosing to with something as vulnerable as saying that you have herpes, then you also trust them not to be a dipshit and spread rumors about you. ;) In dating, people are getting to know each other and trust each other. You don't disclose until you feel that trust. Period. That's one of the big barometers for disclosure. You can still get to know this guy to see if he's even worth disclosing to! Don't cut it off before you even give the relationship a chance to prove itself. You can choose whether to continue or not down the line. You're pretty much pre-rejecting any possibility of anything by assuming a whole bunch of things that will probably never happen. Make sense? It's a trick the brain pulls on us to keep us supremely safe, but it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy to keep us alone. That's why this takes courage. But on the other side of it is happiness and freedom and growth in integrity.

Nice. I love these "told-you-so" moments. ;) I'm happy for you! Enjoy your blossoming relationship! Soak it all up!

Bro! If you've read the e-book over and over, then you should know by now that it's less about practicing the way to do the talk right, but being authentic and true to yourself. ;) Feel what's true. Don't focus on the words. Focus on the feeling of connection you have with this woman. Less on getting it right. More on a vulnerable conversation. Why are you having the herpes talk in the first place? Because you care. Focus on that. Not the herpes. Regardless of the outcome, you're being true to yourself and showing your courage and character. And that's awesome. And I'm rootin' for you! ;) Big bro hug! Let us know how it goes!

This is the nature of relationship in general, bonafiderarity. When we are vulnerable and put our hearts out there, there is always a chance that our hearts can be held or hurt. This goes for whether you have herpes or not. We live in a vulnerable world. Stop putting yourself through the ringer on this one and you'll have much more calm in your life. It's not about doing the talk right or wrong, it's about being authentic and true to yourself and your integrity. The person who will reject herpes isn't for you. The person who sees through the herpes and into your heart is. And what you said at the end is the kicker: You had a lot of judgments about herpes before you got it, so you project onto every other eligible bachelor the same judgments. There are plenty of men who want to be with a quality woman. A skin condition won't stop that kind of relationship from happening. Trust me. Have you read the e-book yet? http://herpeslife.com/resources/ http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

Hey! No criticism here. Just curiosity. And wanting to support you in feeling better about your choices. Have you read the handouts and the e-book yet? Get on it! http://herpeslife.com/resources/ http://eepurl.com/b4IPP 1. Why aren't you disclosing to all sexual partners, not just the ones you want to be in a relationship with? Everyone deserves to know so they can make their own decision. And casual sex without the safer sex talk means putting yourself at risk for getting more STDs because you don't know what he has. Remember that. 2. 98% of oral herpes is caused by HSV-1. That means 2% is caused by HSV-2. So there's a possibility, but it's very low. Are you sure you don't have genital HSV-1? http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/ http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex/ And yes, blood tests (called the IgG test) will tell you which type you have, HSV-1 or HSV-2. That doctor is giving you the wrong information, unfortunately. http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-test/ 3. Herpes doesn't kill following passion and being independent. Your own beliefs about it do. I have been more passionate and independent since herpes than before. It hasn't stopped me from experiencing my sexuality fully and with integrity. And I know plenty of people who would say the same. Shift your perspective on this virus, get knowledgeable about it, and you may just shift the outcomes you're experiencing. Just because you don't want to be in a relationship doesn't mean you can't disclose and have understanding between two adults. 4. Blows me away how many people clearly no nothing about how herpes spreads if he said he "abreva-ed the shit out of it, so it won't spread." It doesn't work like that. Want to nip that in the bud just in case someone else reads that and gets a hair-brained idea that abreva-ing a cold sore makes it un-spreadable. Does this help?

Hey Harlow, the truth is that even with a condom there's a chance that he can get herpes (2% chance if you're not taking daily suppressive therapy). Read this handout for all the details: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout And this ultimately is a conversation around integrity and who you know yourself to be. How would you want someone to handle this with you if the roles were reversed? Wouldn't you want them to let you know even if there were a slight chance? Wouldn't that have you feeling taken care of and respected? (Even if it's not leading to a long-term relationship?) You're putting yourself at risk for getting whatever he may have, too, by not having the talk. Having the talk protects you just as much as him and it's working your muscle of integrity, honesty, respect. And I'm not judging you for this. When I first got herpes, I was petrified to have the talk and the first few times I had sex, I didn't tell her. But the guilt racked me, and I realized the alternative was better for myself and everyone else: For me to own up to my sexual responsibility. We all go through our own ways of coping, but take this as an opportunity to realize that having the courage to have the herpes talk has you making decisions in life that may be uncomfortable and difficult, but worth it. Here's a good discussion on these boards about herpes and casual sex: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex/p1

Sounds like this guy is uneducated about herpes, too. First off, here's a handout you should read about the risks of contracting it (short answer for females: 10% chance with no protection/meds, 5% with protection OR meds, 2.5% with protection AND meds) http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout Most people see signs or symptoms of herpes within the first weeks of exposure, but not all do. Some people get herpes and never have an outbreak (known as silent carriers). In order to get a conclusive blood test, enough antibodies have to build up in your blood, which could take up to 10 weeks. And yes, you should tell your next partner exactly what you know. Don't hold it back. Intimacy is about letting people in. Tell him that your last sexual partner had herpes and there's a chance you could have contracted it and that you won't know for sure until the 10 weeks are up and you get an IgG test. No need to further stigmatize the possibility of you having herpes and I think you should to be transparent around possibly being exposed to herpes.

That's so awesome to hear, Ashley! Let's connect over the phone/skype! I'll private message you.

Welcome to the site! Glad you're here and reaching out. Wow, sounds confusing getting all those different opinions! Back and forth, back and forth ... The medical community tends to be pretty confusing about this stuff. Ultimately it's not a big deal to most doctors because it's not life-threatening. They don't realize the impact the stigma is having on a positive herpes diagnosis. Also, it sounds like you're getting HSV and HPV confused. HPV is also known as genital warts. It's the one with over 100 strands, some cancer-causing, some wart-causing. HSV has 2 different kinds (HSV-1 and HSV-2): http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes/ Also, if the doctor looked at it and said it looks like herpes, it probably is. And blood tests (the IgG test is the best to detect herpes) can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to actually develop enough antibodies to give a positive test result. http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-test/

I'd actually say that not only was it not horrible, but it was quite successful. ;) Give yourself credit where credit is due. I commend you on your courage. Nice job. :)

First off, here's my take on the whole "joining a herpes dating site" conversation (let's not treat ourselves like lepers, shall we?) ;) http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/ And ultimately it is hard for people to get inside other people's shoes (much less get inside their entire lives!) and support someone else. Especially with such a pervasive stigma, people who don't get that herpes is simply a blown-out-of-proportion skin condition will probably see supporting you as pitying you. I've gotten my fair share of people giving me sad puppy dog eyes when I say I have herpes. I normally turn around and playfully console them. "Hey, thanks for the pity, but I'm not dying over here. Chill." ;) Really, this entire Herpes Opportunity thing centers around you getting right with yourself. This includes when ignorant people (not ignorant meaning a judgment against them being stupid, but simply uninformed) jump on the stigma boat, that tends to trigger us if we're still in agreement that herpes is something to be stigmatized. But if we get beyond that, then we get to not have other people's reaction to us having herpes impact how we ultimately feel about ourselves. Capiche? ;)

Have you read the disclosure e-book? It will open your eyes to what this site is all about and put you on the road to getting why guys seem to all be running away ... and how to shift all that for yourself. Here's the link to download it: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP And if you would like private, one-on-one coaching from me, private message me and we'll talk.

I'm glad you're feeling all this so deeply. It means you actually give a shit. If you didn't care, then you wouldn't be feeling all of these feelings. Your depth of caring runs in tandem to how much of a reaction you have toward the things you've done. Don't let your mistakes be the reason you shame yourself and beat yourself up more; let your mistakes be wakeup calls to how you want to change your behaviors to more closely match you and your own values. I know I've messed up in the past. Whew, have I ever! ;) And it's what I've done with my mess-ups that have determined my character and how I've grown. When I ignore what my mistakes are there to teach me, I invariably repeat the mistakes until I learn. It sounds to me like there's a big opportunity for you to grow from this and make future decisions that will impact you and those around you in a more positive way. Don't let your mistakes continue because they happened. Let them shape you into who you already know yourself to be. Also, if you need a coaching session, private message me. You need a good ol' fashioned perspective shift to get you through this. Because this is certainly something I know you can get through. And as far as passing herpes to your children when you kiss them goodnight? Do your research on how to pass herpes. It doesn't spread like that unless you have active lesions. Be careful, but not paranoid. Knowledge is power. Lack of knowledge leads to paranoia. http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/resources/

What do you mean what kind of example have you set? What are you assuming that you are setting example-wise? It sounds like you're going along with the stigma? Maybe you're assuming you're setting an example of you being dirty or something? What part of the stigma are you owning as true when really it's just an unfair cultural story? It's up to you what you choose to take on as true for yourself, and therefore what example you set to your children. Remember, too, that it's how you respond to the situations in your life that sets the example, not that the situations themselves, right?

Wow, I'm honored that my words could have that impact on you. I'm curious: which episode are you referring to? http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/herpes-opportunity/id411233212