mr_hopp

Take a look at what being angry is doing for you. It seems to me that being angry isn't doing anything to have you enjoy your life on a deeper level. Practice being grateful instead of being angry. What are you choosing to focus on in your life? The things that will have you react with anger or the things that are worthy of your positive attention? It's a choice you make and it's a muscle that you can work. I feel relieved just reading that you already see your anger as a choice that you're making. That's the first step: realizing you're not the victim of your life ... You're actually much more powerful than you might give yourself credit for. Notice all of those moments in your life where the anger shows up and instead of judging it, welcome it and see if you can shift the anger to something that feels better to you in the moment. The more you do this, the more it becomes the default to feel better moment by moment instead of angry.

I AM SO EXCITED, LELANI! So proud, so blissed out, so feeling good, so better get an invite to the wedding. ;) And regardless of what happens, I love that you got the love and acceptance you deserve. I love that idea that you made love fore 3 days without having sex. That is beautiful. And I know EXACTLY what you mean. Sounds like an amazing guy. And bravo for your courage and your heart. I love that he is the kind of guy who can see past a few Hs. ;) So much love for you! So much! Keep us up to date, promise?

Yes, if the cultures come back positive for herpes, then you have herpes. It takes a while for the body to build up enough antibodies for a positive blood test. From the New York Times: "Virtually everyone will have detectable antibodies by 16 weeks." And from the CDC: "If someone has an initial outbreak, this most often occurs within two weeks of acquiring HSV from a sexual partner." So yes, chances are you have herpes. Good news? It's not as big a deal as you might think. You get to actually find out what it means to you. Especially with all these amazing people here on this forum to support you in that. Ultimately, it's just a stigmatized skin condition, plain and simple.

I feel giddy reading this, Lelani! I'm so, SO excited for you. I hear the healthy fear in it. And my whole body is alive just considering the possibility of this for you. I'm literally buzzing right now. And like you said, regardless of what happens, you will have a unique relationship with this person. If it's meant to be romantic, it will end up romantic. If it's meant to be that you two are in each other's lives for another purpose, it will end up that way, too. And I love that you're wanting this and going for it. I hear the conviction and I feel the desire in your heart. Feeling like it's you standing up for your own heart wanting to be held and wanting to be loved. And that feels so good. I can't wait to connect with you soon.

Hey UnhappyCamper, First off, welcome. Good to have you here. There's a tradition that's been happening on these forums around how we name ourselves. The screen name says a lot. Do you see yourself as an unhappy camper? Or do you want to shift how you're choosing to name yourself? Just throwing that out there as a point of awareness. The words we use have a tremendous impact on how we experience our lives. May seem like a little nit-picky thing, but it has an impact. ;) How about HappyCamper? And I'm glad you're feeling the weight lift. Really glad. I'm curious about your experience around what about disclosing has the weight lifting? And what has you terrified of future disclosures? I get that there's the unknown. But what has the unknown be terrifying instead of hopeful or positive?

I LOVE this conversation. Just had to jump in here and show some love. Big hugs.

Good catch, Bobby. And thanks for being open to me supportively calling you out. ;) The mechanism within us that compares in hopes of us being happy by finding other positive experiences is the SAME mechanism that can find reasons for us to be depressed, too, by finding equally negative ones. Neither direction has us actually focusing on ourselves and actively accepting ourselves AS WE ARE, without comparison. Comparing takes us outside of ourselves. Acceptance takes us deeper within ourselves. There's a beautiful segment to the Herpes Opportunity weekend workshop that has the whole room viscerally connected to that feeling of okayness. And it's profound. The more we can create that full acceptance for ourselves day by day, moment by moment, the more shameless disclosure simply rolls off the tongue with no negative charge. Shameless disclosure comes from the kind of person who knows they are okay and lovable on a deep level.

I couldn't agree more, WD. Rachael, you have such a range of humility and sparkplug high energy. Beautiful combo. Can't wait to take some ice-skating lessons from you! Triple lutz, here I come! ;)

Hey Bobby, I'm getting a sneaking feeling that you're putting a lot on how my experiences might have occurred as hope for how your experiences might happen in the future. The short answer there is that it's going to totally depend on the person. If you disclose to someone who has a really negative association with herpes, they'll react in a very different way than someone who knows there's nothing really to worry about, that it's just a skin condition. Along those same lines, if you disclose to someone who doesn't know you at all as a person yet, they are much less likely to see you. They're just going to see whatever stigma they have in the way around herpes. There are many different layers to this than whether a disclosure goes "good" or "bad." That said, I've disclosed that I have herpes to every single one of my friends and family members. Romantically, I've disclosed probably about 10-15 times or so. I honestly don't remember the number of disclosures. What I do remember is that the more disclosures I've done (whether friends, family or potential romantic partners), I've gotten more and more accepting of MYSELF having herpes. Especially the more and more quality people I surround myself with who know me and aren't swayed in the slightest by a simple little virus, that goes deep into my psyche as proof that I don't have anything wrong with me, that everything is okay. Every single disclosure that I've made since that first one has brought our relationship closer, has given us both access to more trust for each other and has strengthened our connection. Period. The more and more okay I can be with it myself (authentically, not as an act), the more and more disclosing herpes becomes a connecting experience, revealing my humanity instead of revealing my shame. And more times than not, my opening the door to such a vulnerable conversation has given the other person permission to do the same and open up to me. And isn't that what relationship in general is all about?

Yep, all of the above is possible. Welcome to the community, francis. Here's a full blog article on the differences between HSV-1 and HSV-2: http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes/

We've been working behind the scenes on that kind of "disclosure cheat sheet" that you could hand to your partner after disclosing that would have all the facts. It's been in the works for a little bit and hopefully it'll be done soon. We're trying to condense all the need-to-know information, including stats and common questions into a one-sheeter. When it comes down to it about protecting your partner, communication is the most important part of it. I know my body now. I am pretty certain when I am having a viral shedding session. I was with my girlfriend for 3.5 years without using protection and didn't pass herpes to her. I believe that with us knowing we have herpes and becoming more and more aware of our bodies and how herpes interacts. 80% of people who have herpes don't know they have it. By us knowing we have herpes first and then developing more and more body awareness, that makes us supremely safer.

Reminds me of the question of where we put our power? Do we give it away to everyone and everything around us or do we allow it to stay with us? Do we look to others for validation or do we already know ourselves to be enough? It's these kinds of situations that you describe where if we looked at them with a more curious and aware lens, we could learn a whole lot more about ourselves. It's fascinating to consider as we grow more and more and get to know ourselves more and more.

I'm sorry that you got herpes from lies and deceit. That's how I got herpes, too. My girlfriend at the time cheated on me. The way many people relate to having herpes (or how they relate to having relationships) in general contributes to the idea that herpes is a deceitful disease. It's not. It's a skin rash that has a huge stigma around it. It doesn't mean that you're all those deceitful things. Just because he passed herpes to you doesn't mean he passed all of his deceit and less-than-stellar personality flaws, too. And I get that you know that. But it doesn't hurt to reiterate that fact. :) And it sounds like you have a great friend. Anyone who can look at my private parts as a favor is a good friend in my book. ;) Much love, Jem!

Hi MrsNaPoe and welcome to the forums ... Do you really believe that your present experience of having herpes will remain the same for the rest of your life? I know your relationship to having herpes (and your relationship to yourself) will change. How is the level of stress in your life? Do you take care of yourself physically and mentally? All of that plays a huge role in how healthy you are in a holistic way and that plays into how many outbreaks you have. It's a damn good excuse to work out, take care of your body, eat healthy and think healthy. And I'm glad you have a patient husband. :) And I imagine he didn't marry you in spite of having herpes. If we asked him, I'm sure he'd spill out a laundry list of all the lovely things about you that overshadow a silly little skin condition. Much love! I'm glad you're here with us.

And Leslie, what can I say? I love you. It was so great to finally see you and meet in the flesh after all this time where skype was all we got together. It feels really good hearing that your experience was so resonant and powerful. Really, really good. You deserve every ounce of happiness that you can take in. A million your welcomes right back at you. It was so, so good to have you there.

I wish I could help with the more logistical cases concerning women, but I 1) don't have the lady parts to make that feasible and 2) don't shave my legs. ;) But what I do know is that there is a possibility of any sort of aggravation of that area can stimulate a herpes outbreak, but it doesn't mean that herpes will "spread" there. For the most part, people will have outbreaks in the same general area. Other times, rough sex or any other way that the area gets aggravated leads to the nerves to carry the virus to the surface of the skin. Keep an eye on it, but I wouldn't be paranoid about it. Ultimately, it is what it is. Get to know your body and see what happens. You can always deal with it in the moment and worrying about it doesn't help anybody. :) Much love! I hope I helped even though I don't share the lady parts!

Ah, thanks for the curiosity, Bobby. I'm not sure what exactly you'd like to hear other than a general story. My story leading up to my realization is in this guest blog I wrote: http://www.thecoaches.com/blog/2011/07/herpes-as-transformational-opportunity/ Beyond that, life has been so inspiring and beautiful, I can hardly stand it at the moment. And reveling in the beauty of it all. And that's not even close to hyperbole. I truly feel this on a deep level even as I type this reply. My whole body is trembling with excitement about where life is now and where it's headed. The love and support and acceptance I feel in my life keeps growing and deepening to such a beautiful degree. And all of that has become available because I have opened myself up to that possibility. The community coming together around this "Opportunity" concept (not just in herpes, but now expanding into other shame-filled arenas, such as homosexuality, obesity, trichotillomania, and even rape) has been nothing less than awe-inspiring. Having lead the second Herpes Opportunity workshop this past weekend has me feeling so on purpose and lit up with inspiration that my heart could explode. And you know, herpes is so far from an obstacle for me now, it's amazing. If anything, it has been that 4x4 that smacked me upside the head and woke me up to what's important, a doorway into greater and greater transparency and vulnerability for myself across the board. Transparency not just in disclosing herpes in romantic situations, but being more and more vulnerable in my life in general. (And recognizing that even when sex isn't involved in romantic situations is teaching me that intimacy isn't just about sexual penetration; it goes so much deeper and wider than that. So much richer than what I had ever thought possible.) Big takeaway for me (so far): You don't need to have herpes in order to have an excuse to go to greater depths of vulnerability, intimacy and connection. But it was my struggle with herpes that taught me this amazing lesson that I will never forget. What I have learned from positively and lovingly disclosing herpes and the connections that has led to has me recognizing all the other opportunities in my life to be vulnerable to have access to more connection. To go deeper in love and connection in every single aspect of my life has been my experience, and it only keeps growing and going deeper. There's no stopping it now. And it feels so, so good. If you have any other specific questions, please go for it! This feels good to share and reflect on for myself. I appreciate your asking. :)

I feel your pain, Silas. And it hurts my heart to hear you say you hate yourself for the way you act. I see it as a natural reaction to the overwhelming stigma our society has placed on our shared skin condition. I felt the same way when I first got herpes: I'm contagious! Everyone within a 5-foot radius of me will get herpes if I so much as sneeze! And after coming to understand all of the basics of how people get herpes, I stopped being so paranoid. Because what I knew about it and believed about it became more powerful and true for me than the general societal perspective on it. Sometimes that kind of perspective shift takes time to adopt for yourself. And sometimes it takes a moment to make the decision for yourself. And the question you ask at the end may be the answer that you're seeking. Educate yourself to the point where you realize there's nothing to worry about. Then you get to calm down. Relax. Enjoy your life again. Sometimes it's the intention that you set for yourself that is the most powerful part. And again, I hear your pain. I feel it. And I feel for you. I want you to be happy. And I also want you to be true to yourself and honor whatever process it is that you're going through.

Good to hear from you on this thread, lively. You strike me as a solid contributor to this conversation across the board. Whenever I read your posts, I feel it. This whole conversation is reminding me what our world is turning into: An empathy-driven one. Not just what it's like to be me in someone else's shoes, but what it's like to be someone else. To feel what they are feeling. To be connected to the feelings of humanity. At least that's the vision I'm holding. And to have more and more of you on board with that vision is feeling really good.

Can you see how this can be an opportunity for you to consider all of these things for yourself, how you relate to your life in general that is highlighted by this difficult situation? We don't have your answers for you. You do. But we are here to love you and support you through the process.

It was sooooo good to have you there, Brenda. Awesomeness all around. Such a surreal moment to finally meet you in person after developing such a respect and love for you through your contributions on this forum. You truly have one of the biggest mothering hearts I've felt. Shameless plug coming up! Here's the website with all the information on the seminar: http://thehopp.com

If the situation were reversed, how would you hope they would handle it with you?

This is all right on, superwoman. Thank you for sharing all of this. There are lessons in everything, and I love how fair you are being to yourself. Beautifully done. :) There will be many, many others who would love to be in relationship with you and your integrity.

Dude, not cool to leave us all hangin' like this ... ;)

What had you not insist on a condom or make him stop? I imagine it was that you didn't want to "ruin the moment" or that you were worried that he wouldn't like you if you insisted? Or was it something else? Consider, too, that you don't know what he has. He could have given you an STD, too. Not a lot of us consider that when it comes to unsafe sex. Just because we focus most on us having herpes. It goes both ways. Other people have STDs, too. We are putting each other at risk if we don't insist on communicating all of this. Also, this sounds like the inability to flex your own boundaries. What is your relationship to holding boundaries for yourself across the board in life, not just in relationships/sex?