mr_hopp

Told ya so. ;) Nice work.

You can think of pros and cons to whatever you end up doing. It seems like you're getting super caught up in the details. ;) We won't have an absolute answer for you of which one is better for your specific situation. Whatever feels best for you is right for you. What matters is what feeling space YOU are coming from in the disclosure. Focus less on the in-person/phone thing and focus more on where you will be coming from in your heart when you do disclose. Either phone or in-person is a moot point when you're choosing to vulnerably disclose from your tender heart, coming from the knowing that you are whole and beautiful as you are.

Got it. Is it that it would sting more since a rejection by someone who has already had deep feelings for you might feel like a deeper part of you is being rejected? Lets play worst case scenario out: What if he does reject you? What will you have that mean about you?

Good middle ground: Skype.

Yes, HPV can clear, depending on the strain and the person. The strange thing is that there's no test to tell if a guy has HPV unless he has actual physical symptoms (aka warts). So because of that, no guy can really know if he's a carrier. It's a big question mark. So yes, since HPV can clear and 80% of Americans will at some point in their life get it, there seems to be less stigma associated with it. Of course, I also have heard of plenty of people who have had HPV for many, many years. I think this whole "which STD is better/worse" phenomenon shows people's natural tendency to compare and contrast so that they can feel better about themselves. If something else can be worse, then that means what they have is somehow better. But hey, an STD is an STD as far as I'm concerned. Equal opportunity. Our culture will eventually catch up to that fact.

Aw, thanks for the kind words, Shawn! Warms me right up. Hey, I'm doing my best, just like everyone else on this site. Glad to hear that it's helping. And hey, check this synchronicity out ... A friend of mine just posted this on her Facebook wall just 9 minutes ago. Sums this whole conversation right up. Wow. http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/556299_557364734288958_1364264965_n.png

Yep, I'm right with you then. I just notice this tendency across the board (and in myself, too!), so just want to be aware of this tendency to shame the shamer. ;) There are still people out there who know all about herpes and still would choose to not take a chance of getting it from a perfectly awesome person (aka you and me). ;) AND there are still people who will react horribly with slimy shame-filled judgments. Regardless, I want to practice not having my reactions (even toward ignorance) be to shame anyone else. Inform them of my perspective that I see herpes as a stigmatized skin condition that's really not a big deal, but ultimately not hold anything against them for their personal choices. Yes, sometimes easier said than done, but also wanting to hold a high standard for all of us (including myself, of course). That's the only way that the stigma will change. When we all have so much self-acceptance and wholeness that no one else's judgment, choice and/or ignorance will ultimately change who we know ourselves to be.

I'm loving all this discussion, and I'm noticing a theme of judging those people who wouldn't dare reject us. That they don't deserve to be in our lives if they can't handle herpes. I personally feel that everyone has free will to decide to be with anyone they want to be with for any reason. The opportunity here in whoever happens to reject us with herpes is allowing that to be okay and not throw judgment back to that person, to make them somehow wrong for being stigmatized or not open-minded enough to get that herpes is just a skin condition.

Yep, as your body builds up more and more immunity through developing antibodies, the outbreaks lessen in intensity and how often you have them. But they will probably end up leveling off at a minor outbreak once or twice a year is the average.

Well, the good news is that now you know what your prodrome sensations feel like. The next time you start feeling these sensations, you can choose to take episodic therapy in order to bypass outbreaks (or at least lessen the severity of the outbreak). Prodrome sensations are your body's way of telling you that the virus is making its way to the surface of your skin. By taking a larger dose (consult your doc for the amount; I take 1000mg of acyclovir when I feel prodrome symptoms) of the medication at that point, it is like hiring mercenaries to help you in battle. (I wish I had a less warlike analogy for that.) ;) In short, the good news is that you are learning about how herpes and your body interact so you can more successfully manage your outbreaks in the future.

I still believe that you are still an optimistic person, Shawn. It just might be covered up now by some poopy-colored shame. And shame can be cleaned up. Then you can be that breath of fresh air for others. It's not as far off as you may think, bro. ;)

Carlyyy, I so appreciate you being so vulnerable here. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. That is where you show your strength. I'm in awe of you right now. For not only your strength, but your desire to heal. That is the first step. Wanting to heal for yourself. The willingness to reach out is one of the strongest things you can do. You don't have to blame yourself. And you are NOT dirty. I don't even know you, but I know you to be beautiful. I'm not talking physical outer beauty. I'm talking the inner beauty that shines out from you onto this forum page. You have shared that with all of us. You are only dirty if you actually trick yourself into believing that you are. Whenever you hear yourself trying to judge yourself for being dirty, stupid, or any other mean thing, take that as an opportunity to practice self-love and self-forgiveness. Change your relationship with yourself in those moments. Be your own best friend. Don't allow yourself to treat yourself like that. That won't change anything. You didn't do anything wrong. You get to practice self-compassion so you can forgive yourself and move into the life you are meant to live. You don't know how this experience will ultimately affect you, but don't let it affect you for the worst. Make it light up the passion in your heart to not ever let this happen to another human being. If there is any ounce of wanting revenge in your heart, the best revenge is to love more deeply and more strongly than you ever thought possible. To move on. To forgive. To insist on having a deeply fulfilling life where you help others. That is the beauty of life. And you are not a victim of someone else's mistakes. You get to determine the course of your life. You are still here. And you are here for a reason. We all love you. Deeply. Again, thank you for sharing yourself so vulnerably here. Please keep us informed of how you're doing. And for anything specific to the rape that you would still want to process with someone, I found this hotline that I urge you to call if you feel it would have value for you: http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline

So yes, you specifically requested females, but I'm going to jump in here and do my best to offer something anyway. ;) Yes, second outbreaks tend to be less severe than the first. And each subsequent outbreak tends to get easier to handle due to your body developing antibodies and defenses to the virus. And I have a similar burning/itching feeling every now and again when I'm not having an actual outbreak. I imagine that's what asymptomatic viral shedding feels like, although there's no way to know for sure. I can't help with the rest of it, but hopefully my toss-in helps a bit. :) Much love, parky!

By the way, JAO, we should rename this thread "The Herpes Men's Group" or something. ;) I love that you called this tendency out (for guys to tend to isolate to lick their wounds instead of reaching out for support). I love that you put yourself out there like this and are helping guys come out into the light.

Hey Shawn! Welcome to the site, bro! First herpes outbreak does tend to be the worst. And guys tend to have less intense outbreaks, too (women have more mucous membranes down there, you see ... lil anatomy lesson for you). ;) I feel sad hearing you don't see girls in the same way. Having herpes doesn't have to mean that your life is horribly changed forever. (Unless you want it to.) Just know that 90% of that is in your head and in your own self-judgments. And by the way, I know that feeling well. I struggled with that for many years after my initial herpes diagnosis. And it doesn't have to take that long for you! That's why I started this whole Herpes Opportunity thing: to get people like you to really get that most of the stigma and rejection starts in our own heads. When we get our heads right, our lives follow. Tips and tricks are what you're wanting? Sure. Learn to love and accept yourself fully. ;) The more places you see shame showing up in your experience of yourself, those are all opportunities to accept yourself more fully. More self-acceptance = more wholeness. And the more whole we are, the less we're broken down by a simple little skin condition named herpes (or anything else in life that might normally get us down). Will you be coming to the weekend seminar/workshop in January? Listen to the interviews on this page to get all hyped up about it: http://thehopp.com

Hey dimples! Good to have you on the forums. Welcome. I wonder what you think the differences between having the herpes talk with your ex versus having the herpes talk with someone new? It seems to be the same thing to me, if not easier since you already have intimacy and closeness with this guy. What are your thoughts?

I'm thankful for all of you, our beautiful community of conscious, aware, heartfelt people who help one another through tough times and celebrate our humanity together. I'm thankful for my amazing group of friends (both locally and long-distance) who I feel so intimately connected with — it's absolutely unreal the friendships I have in this world. I'm thankful for my mom and dad living close and having such a tight and loving relationship with them. I'm thankful for having a home that I love so much in a city that has access to such lush nature (I'm about to go on a walk by the creek after I finish this post). I'm thankful that I am living passionately in the world, with my heart wide open. I'm thankful for the sad times where my heart doesn't feel so open where I allow myself to be alone and heal. I'm thankful for my romantic relationship that is now over and all the lessons it taught me about myself and about loving another human being. I'm thankful that we are still such close friends and can support each other so maturely in our breakup. I'm thankful that she has found someone new who she feels so loved by and whom she loves so much. I'm thankful for my awareness of my own jealousy around that. ;) I'm thankful for my brother loving his college experience so much and being soooo blissed out in love (wow! He deserves so much of that). I'm thankful for the tearful conversation my brother and I had just last night that reconnected us together in such a beautiful way. I'm thankful that I have such easy access to my range of emotions that allows me to feel my life deeply. I'm thankful that I feel so alive. I'm thankful that I am free to pursue whatever it is I want to pursue in my life. I'm thankful that I have the courage to live life fully. I'm thankful for this life that I get to enjoy fully until my very last breath ...

In my experience, when I focus on the things I'm thankful for, the things I had been complaining about lose their power and fall away. Focusing on the things in my life that are already amazing (and maybe taken for granted) allow them to come back to my mind and heart in full force. So in honor of today being Thanksgiving, what are YOU thankful for?

I have heard that HSV-1 can cause what might feel and look like canker sores, but there has been plenty of talk that HSV-2 is very unlikely to set up camp orally. So as far as everything I've heard, those bumps in your mouth are regular canker sores, not herpes-related.

Yes, it might be hard to discuss and consider the two paths: Keeping it under wraps by not discussing it or mustering up the courage to discuss it. Which direction would have you feeling better about yourself in the long run? Our secrets end up eating us away inside. In my experience, this has been so true for me. When I have been honest, especially after messing up, I feel a freedom in that, regardless of the outcome.

I feel for you, Pepper. I'm sorry that your boyfriend was so distrustful. I'm super pissed off whenever someone does something so unconscious and pitiful. And in the same breath, I feel like I understand where that comes from. I've felt that before myself. For me, it comes from denial and fear. I imagine his dishonesty stems from his deep insecurities and fear of rejection. Denial keeps the potential for rejection away. So ultimately all of that eventually comes out by his actions hurting others. Either you take the high road or the low road. Either direction has potential pain associated with it. And potential bliss. And that goes for everything in life, herpes or not. I choose to be on the high road so I stay in my integrity. This is one of the main reasons I believe there is such a negative stigma out there about herpes. People are so scared to "admit" they have it that it gets spread around through deceit, lies, fear and shame. Herpes comes to represent all those negative aspects of humanity. But if we relate to having herpes in a more positive, non-victimy way, we will ultimately change the stigma. I'm glad you ultimately got out of that relationship, Pepper. It sounds like being single is better than being in such a relationship that doesn't serve your heart. You don't deserve to be lied to and mistreated like that. And your story goes right along with herpes being a damn good filter for the kinds of people you want and don't want in your life. Someone who lies like that about having herpes will most likely lie about other things that are difficult to talk about. Good news is, something tells me that even though he treated you like this, your integrity won't allow you to lie about having herpes to someone else. You know how that feels to be on the receiving end of such deceit. It ultimately feels better to who you are deep down to take the high road. Your integrity in telling others will have the right man recognize your courage and strength in disclosing about herpes. That will be the right kind of man for you. All other men who would reject you because of a skin rash won't be the kind of men for you. And I hear that this is painful for you now. And pain is a transient feeling. Take care of yourself through this time, offer yourself kind words and self-acceptance. This too shall pass. Much love, Pepper. Please keep us in the loop with how you're doing. And reach out for some (h) buddies, too! So many people ready to support you if you want it! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/223/need-someone-to-talk-to-herpes-buddies/p1

Thank you, Alyssa! I'm going to give this a try for my next herpes outbreak!

Easy, just click on the person's profile name and you'll be taken to their page. Click "send private message" and there you go! Here's a screenshot: http://screencast.com/t/q2RbKOGfZR

I feel sad hearing that your mom is perpetuating the stigma by saying that most men would have left. I don't believe that to be true. Of course, it depends on the kind of men you're sampling. ;) If you choose to believe that, what if it doesn't work out with your boyfriend? You'll still be believing that most men would reject you. That's simply not true. The right men for you will accept you. The ones who aren't right for you won't want to risk getting herpes. Plain and simple. AND ... I'm happy for you to be in a loving relationship with an open-minded man. ;) Congrats!

"Live as though I don't have it" gets me curious about your relationship to having herpes ... The truth is that you DO have it. But that doesn't mean you have to be sad/angry/negative about having it. There's a thin line between perceived acceptance and actual denial. You can still live a truly fulfilling and happy life AND know that you have herpes. Just wanted to throw that out there. The point of the herpes opportunity is not to live as though something ISN'T so. It's living from what IS so fully and completely.