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I'm Out of the Herpes Closet!

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Latest Dating Site update:


Now in conversation with THREE guys on OK Cupid - 2 are H- one actually is H+ and said "We have SOOO much in common!" when he contacted me ...LOL


Sadly the H+ guy smokes (which I LOATHE :-& ). But I'm talking to him because he seems to have a whole lot going for him. UGH. Whoever invented cigarettes, I WILL get you in the next life! X(


Both of the other two H- contacted me in part BECAUSE OF my honesty and "bravery" (I'm still not feeling that I am brave - I just don't care any more about who knows!) Not sure where they will go at all ... feeling neutral about them but they are both really nice guys so I'm practicing just trying to see them for THEM (as I hope they will do for me).


Oh - and had a 29 yr old on Positive Singles try to hit me up - gave him the "thanks but not interested in your age group" reply and he comes back with "Don't be afraid" .. I nearly CHOKED when I read that... =)) I have to say my reply was not terribly kind (I told him I already tried that route) but he got the message and relied with a "goodbye then"


HONESTLY, online dating sure has it's entertaining moments! :))

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  • 2 weeks later...

Your story...the courage to face that last hurdle, whatever the motivation was, is so incredibly inspiring. Thank you. For sharing your story and for the words of empowerment. "Sometimes what looks like a lion in the shadows is really just a housecat with a light behind it"...shedding light on those shadows takes the scary away! Tears...are so cleansing and healing. I had one of those cries a few months ago, after I found this site...and realized I was treating myself (especially in realtion to this H thing) more horrid than I would ever treat a friend in a million years. It has been the beginning of my own healing journey, as I learn to first be authentic with myself; changing those awful lies I've told myself over the last many years, into empowering loving thoughts.

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So here is the crazy thing. If everyone came out at once...WE would be in the majority! And the stigma would be gone over night. We must overcome the crazy power that other people' "morals" have over us...many of who would be carriers if they were tested.


So why do we let the MINORITY have such power over us? Because we place more of a stigma on it than is out there in reality. As you said - you treat yourself worse than you would treat a friend if they disclosed to you that they had it. Nuts, isn't it???


I'm here to support anyone who is ready to step out of the dark. In my experience it's been very freeing and I'm happy to help anyone who is tired of the cramped, dark, nasty place :)



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Dancer - You inspired me to come out! I've been on the site since I found in September but after reading your posts I posted my pic & changed my username to my real name. I've already told my close friends & family - and nothing but support! I agree it would be amazing if everyone came out at once! xx Candice

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You've got me grinning from ear to ear :D


*Most* of the time, we get nothing but support. I know a few people on here have had negative responses from family (usually parents - sorta like kids don't want to think of their parents having sex, the idea goes both ways so for some hearing your kid has Herpes just makes it clear they are no longer your "baby" ...plus many are poorly informed about the whole Herpes issue and think you are "loose" if you get it :p )


Anyhow, glad you had a "positive" response to being positive! If we could all educate just ONE person, imagine how fast we could reverse the stigma of the big H :)


Peace AND (((HUGS)))

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  • 2 weeks later...

WOW - a friend told me she had meant to send this to me in November when I came out ...but forgot until now.. It was the Horoscope in the Chronogram...a local magazine that actually has a good rep where the Horsocope (and for all it's news) is concerned.


It hit what happened that month on the nose and I had never read it ...


"Has the whole sex thing been a little weird, whether mired in karma, needlessly complex or seemingly nonexistent? You may find the topic annoying and wish it would go away, or feeling some deep need, wishing something would actually happen. Count yourself lucky if you’re experiencing this on the level of “you can’t always get what you want, but you can get what you need”—though where sex is concerned, that’s pretty boring. By sex, I mean both the experience and the relationships in which it occurs, the agreements involved and what is exchanged. Saturn has been in Scorpio, your solar fifth house, for a year, and it’s leading you to be more careful, or putting the brakes on your adventures. At the same time, Saturn points us in the direction of authentic necessity and always gives more than it takes away. You have reached a kind of crux point on whatever it is that you’re going through; events of the next few weeks are likely to come with a bold transformation, and to reveal the deeper contents of your feelings. The essence of Saturn in this area of your chart is about taking total responsibility for your sexuality and for what you exchange with others. Mercury retrograde is about finding the intersection of your fantasies and your reality. The eclipse is the catalyst that starts the reaction—and an X factor."


Gotta wonder sometimes about things we can't explain, eh? authentic necessity, ... Yeah - I guess you could have called it that ;)

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Oh my goodness. You are my hero!! Lol I am sending you the biggest hug through this thread right now!!! Everything you said and have done is so admirable and just amazing. I'm having trouble putting the right words together after reading that, but thank you. It feels like a giant step for all of us. Hopefully this will cause a ripple effect which will lead to educating people that what we have, This little annoying friend of ours, is just a nuisance and nothing more!!


Thank you so much for being such a strong woman. It's so admirable and so encouraging!!


Lots of love and lots of hugs going you way!!

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There IS a move afoot to do something like that... to have us all come out at once... it's a project that I believe Adrial will get back to once he finishes the Home Study course.


Stay tuned for more details.


That said, we can each start sticking toes out and peeking out. I mean, for many, just putting a photo on HERE.... a place where we all understand .... was a big step. Or revealing to a parent or sibling. Or just putting someone straight when you hear an untruth about STD's (I did that yesterday on FB). ANY little stet is empowering.


I'd been oozing out of the closet for awhile. I got tired of having to make up a story about my Cesarean (which I had because the Dr scared me into doing because of the Herpes and which I didn't need ... and lived with that frustration all this time) so I had told a few people about the real reason for it. My girls knew. And a few good friends. I got to a point that I just didn't care if someone chose to not like me...or even if they chose to be ugly (because that just would tell me more about THEM). And I got REALLY tired of seeing people being suicidal about their diagnosis. I mean, no disrespect to anyone but really, there really ARE so many worse things that could happen to us. I watched my mother take 8 years to die after a Stroke and she wanted to die most of that time. THAT I understand. She was in pain and barely able to get around and eventually was bedridden. THAT is a pretty good reason IMO to be clinically depressed . I guess it "helps" that I've lived most my life with this but I HAVE been through my crisis with it (post divorce when I got all the latest info including shedding and what have you and I learned how much stigma has suddenly been attached to something that didn't seem like such a big deal when I was first diagnosed). So I've cried my share of tears.... but because I wasn't dealing with the first OB's too I just had to process the new info.....


I think it's time to make the change. There are programs on TV about Taboos (everything from various "kinks" to religious groups to tattoos or other body alterations, etc) which were NEVER discussed in public. We talk openly about famous figures who have HIV...and they talk openly about their experience. We have RuPaul leading the way for the Drag Queens and there are shows about Transgender CHILDREN which would never have been aired 10 years ago. So it feels like we are FINALLY growing up and escaping our Puritan forefathers shame and inability to discuss Sex like adults.


We are paving the way my dear ... once the Home Study course is done, we will be looking at where the next focus will be. Stay tuned. 2014 is going to be an exciting year for us!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, the latest is my "Out Adventures" ... sitting in a diner tonite after our dance practice with 3 friends, openly discussing herpes. As in, loud, proud, and who cares if someone overhears us kinda talk. I got to educate them about the virus and even more important, the unfair stigma and how strongly it affects people. And it was AWESOME.


You guys really ought to try it. It's very freeing and wonderful to be able to discuss this without feeling you have to drop your voice or run to a private room to say the H word... ;)

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Yay!!! For the H+ guy don't let smoking be a deal breaker...maybe he'll quit soon or switch to e-cigs. And that "don't be afraid" comment rofl hahahaha positive singles is just plain weird. Keep the success stories coming! The more I hear how little the world cares the more I kinda wanna just come out too...

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He made it clear he has no intention to quit ... and he was the one to stop contacting me. So many start a conversation then as soon as you get something going they disappear :p


Yeah - I laughed pretty good at that "boy".... at least he wasn't letting his H+ status scare him off from trying to find his game - he just needs to use it on someone in a more appropriate age group ...LOL


And I am coming to the conclusion that the world really DOESN'T care half as much as we think... especially the over 40's. It seems the 20-somethings *may* be more cruel - and I think that is because of ignorance and fear....us "older" folks have usually experienced more people around us with it and come to realize it's not as scary as we think.

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Here's what you were referring to earlier in this thread, Dancer:




And yes, a goal for us as a unified community is to gain the momentum to eventually step across the line together. An automatic built-in support system and an automatic nip-in-the-bud to shame and stigma. Shame can no longer exist when people realize there's nothing to be ashamed of in the first place and when we all take a stand together to that end.


I'm excited to continue this movement ... It's definitely an idea whose time has come.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So update:


Many of you will have read my run-in with my daughter, who feels my being out has a negative impact on her life - she's 25 and has always blamed me for a lot of stuff (she's definitely a Daddy's Girl). She's still mad at me... I"m not happy about it but she's being self righteous and won't listen/talk to me to sort it all out. This is the ONLY negative impact I've had so far. I wish it didn't happen but I'm not going back in that damned closet.


Now, for the good news. Well, I've been on a couple dates with a couple guys who contacted me after I put in my status on my public profiles on OKC and POF. I have one who I am seeing again tomorrow and he seems like a nice guy. It will be interesting to have "the talk" with him (to make sure he READ the profile) but I somehow don't think it will phase him at all.


Being "out" on my profile hasn't seemed to slow down the interest - I'm getting about the same amount of messages from interested guys ... many with praise for my transparency, which makes me more and more convinced that the Stigma is more in our head than it is in real life.... yes, there are those ugly people on certain Yahoo groups who say nasty things, but I consider them to be the ignorant masses that I want nothing to do with (and I'd LOVE to know how many actually are carrying it - odds are they will get diagnosed one day and be on sites like this looking for support ;P )


So, anyway, that's where I am right now. Life is GOOD, even with the family drama. ;)


Peace Out

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Well, turns out my date hadn't read the profile ... LOL .. (typical guy, eh?? Although I do admit my profile is actually a short biography.... *grin* .. anyone who knows me here knows I don't edit well .. )


It actually came up because he called and asked what I was doing, and I replied I was helping people out on a Forum I am on. He asked what the forum was for, and I replied "You know where I disclosed about having Herpes? Well, I work with some people on a forum that people come to for answers and support". Short silence. He asked some questions about transmission, and admitted he hadn't read the whole profile. While I was giving him some info he interjected "Just want you to know I'm not running".


I went over this afternoon and we hung out - still getting to know each other, but he's made it very clear that he's not scared off by my disclosure. Still getting to know him...we certainly have a lot of common interests and it will be interesting to see where this goes. But I just want folks here to see that straight up honesty AND confidence in knowing the facts about your condition makes all the difference in the world.


Oh - and after we talked my friend went and actually read my disclosure... and it only made him appreciate me more for my candor and honesty. I'm getting more and more convinced that this is the way forward for us... yes there are communities and groups who may be ugly in their actions but they are often the same groups who are ugly and negative and drama filled around anything that *they* don't consider to be *normal*. I for one don't associate with people like that. So maybe that is why I am getting this kind of reaction...but then again, I have no control over who reads my profile and I'm still getting only positive reactions to that as well.


It certainly is an interesting ride at the moment! Peace out my friends!



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