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I thought I would be alone forever after herpes...yeah I was wrong :-)

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Well, this is an update on my new man...the one I thought I would never meet, herpes or no herpes. It's a long distance thing...something I said I would never do again and I put him off to start with for that reason. But I decided that meeting halfway between for a couple of days of dancing in my favourite city was a great idea...no pressure on either of us, just the chance to enjoy dancing with someone who loves it and is good at it. Well we clicked...I had to give the talk and our first kiss happened right after I told him, the day we were going home...I didn't want to go any further if he couldn't deal with herpes because I REALLY liked him! The rest of the day was so lovely...we talked about everything, it was like herpes opened the door to so much trust and intimacy.


That was over a month ago and since then we have been in constant contact... had a five day camping holiday together and are talking about a future. He is so special and both of us feel lucky to have met each other.


He did all his own research about herpes, even seeing his doctor - so he could be well informed and as responsible as me! We talk about herpes freely and openly and it has meant we have taken it slowly (and can you believe it, still haven't gone all the way - but it hasn't mattered because we have been gorgeously creative lol!). It has been like an old fashioned courtship, really sweet and based around friendship and respect. herpes has meant I have totally seen the good man he is...and that he adores me, all of me.


A few months ago I couldn't imagine I would meet someone so special and so perfect for me, and I believed that herpes was severely limiting my chances. Now I know that was just my thoughts and not reality.


I have come a long way since my diagnosis 18 months ago...from despair and sadness to getting stronger, slipping backwards a few times and then at this new year deciding that I was going to take control of my thoughts and beliefs. I had been on my own long enough! I did affirmations all the time "I now enjoy a loving and sexy relationship with the man who is perfect for me"..."I am now enjoying a deep connection with a man I respect and adore"...and "I am open and receptive to all the good and abundance in the universe". I imagined this happening (not easy sometimes when those old beliefs get in the way!).


I went online for one month, if nothing happened then I would just get on with being alone and accept it. Lots of men contacted me but he was the only one who made an impression - but he lived 100's of miles away, so I put him off! We kept in contact because we had so much in common and were good like friends...then when we met I knew he was the one..and he did too.


I am writing this so you know that all the limiting beliefs and thoughts about herpes are what hold us back...not herpes. Yeah it's hard to change those, but we can. It takes practice and dedication...bit like lifting weights, you only get stronger and see results by doing it regularly - for ages nothing seems to change and then voila it does and you feel strong and look fabulous. I worked on my developing my character, my body and my attitude so herpes would seem like a small price to pay to be with me. I am so glad I put the work in now!


There are great people out there who want to love and be loved...whenever you feel despairing about this virus think about how you can rise above it so you are bigger than herpes...then bigger things happen. We are worthy of someone special...herpes has a way of showing you who is - and if they are not, keep working on being more fabulous because you never know when your fabulous person will come into your life.


Sorry about the looooooong post but I have gone through all the tough stages of herpes and I want others to know that it isn't the end of your life...in lots of ways it is the beginning. It's how you choose to use herpes in your life and whether you want it to control you or not. To everyone who is feeling sad about herpes...it gets better and there is SO much good stuff to come!!! xx

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I needed this today!! Thank you! I'm happy to hear you're doing well.


This Irish blessing also helped me today.



May God give you...

For every storm, a rainbow.

For every tear, a smile.

For every care, a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share. For every sigh, a sweet song. And an answer for each prayer. God bless :)

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Hi Lelani and whiteshadow,

Nice to see you both here. This is such fabulous, awesome, uplifting news!! Thrilled that you are happy, Lelani and have met a worthwhile fellow, and overjoyed to hear how you have taken charge of this little H situation and turned a positive leaf. Your dedication to staying in a self-caring mode is totally inspirational. Wooohooooo!

I really needed to hear this success story today. :-)

All the best and do keep us posted!


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I'm so glad you all feel uplifted...I love that this is what this site is about. I have been through the dark times and worked on myself so much, to be bigger than H. And now the universe is leading me right to this man...on the weekend we talked more about a future together and how we would let it unfold - the next day I lost my job, applied for one in his town that came up the very same day. The following day they emailed me for an interview ...and if I get the job (huge chance I will) and I could be moving to be with him in 6 weeks! We are so excited, and scared and amazed at how things are happening to bring us together.

We never know what is around the corner..so many people said that to me in my dark times when I thought I would be alone forever. But it's true...and until that moment the best thing to do is love yourself and practice being the best you can be.

Yes stay open and positive and create the life you want for yourself...get into those affirmations and act on them!

I wish you all light and love too and massive hugs to you all :-) xxx

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I am so happy for you Lelani! Your entire post is beautiful but this line really moved me: "I worked on my developing my character, my body and my attitude so H would seem like a small price to pay to be with me." That's the key, doing the work on ourselves so we know we are awesome and amazing as we are... to really love ourselves. All the best for an amazing and happy future with your new man.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok..update :-). I am moving to be with my honey! Had the job interview and it went well but you don't know until you get that call...


But job or no job I am moving. We just had another 5 days together climbing mountains, cycling the countryside and meeting his family. We decided we want to be together permanently and I want to move to his beautiful town. We are both so excited to start a life together.


Six months ago I thought I would be alone forever...how wrong I was. And Herpes has brought me the most amazing man...I wouldn't have met him if I didn't have H as it shaped the decisions I have made over the last year or so to get where I am now. So it has been a gift, not without it's challenges, but an amazing gift for what I have received from working through the challenges.


So stay hopeful and work on expanding who you are :-) xx

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Ah, Lelani. I love you. You have been such a powerful, loving and beautiful pillar of our community. You deserve all the love and joy that you have coming to you! I'm so proud of your courage to be yourself, your integrity, your care, your dedication to the growth of yourself and others, your positivity. Thanks for the update and the inspiration! I'm glad I have a damn good excuse to visit New Zealand. ;) Big hugs!

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Lelani, I love you too. To get to the place of having gratitude for herpes and all it has brought into your life....POWERFUL! It's so true....when I think about it, herpes has been my biggest teacher...and it continues to challenge me every day to grow more, love more, BE more of who I truly am. I had a tough day today, so I'm extra grateful for your post. Thanks for reminding me that awesomeness is worth waiting for.


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Lelani, I am SOOOOO happy for you!! I wish I could hug you, so consider yourself hugged from Canada. :) I have been away for a bit so I am thrilled to come back and hear you have found someone who recognizes the gift that you are. I wish you all of life's many blessings for an amazing life together. :)


Hugs to both you!!!


Brenda xoxo

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  • 2 months later...

Lelani -


You can't know how much your post has just helped me just now - given me hope, motivation, promise, and a will to turn around the negativity that has washed over me since I was told I had herpes nearly 3 weeks ago.


For the last three weeks I've given up I guess. Stopped caring for my body and mind, rejected my friends, taken sick days just because, and overall accepted that I'd be alone forever. After all, who'd want me this way? Really. Today was really hard. It was a beautiful hot day and my friends were encouraging me to go for drinks after work. Weeks ago I'd have loved this. Today it depressed me. I feel so different from my friends now. So alone. So unworthy of any male attention I might draw and hopeless that it could ever lead anywhere. I declined and went home. I overate supper and laid around and hung out with my kids, who are my bright spot. :)


I'm in my mid 40s and in the last couple of years my husband and I have grown apart to the point where we don't have sex at all. We are living together peacefully and raising our kids. Thing is I've been lonely for romantic company and as a result took on a few partners one if which gave me herpes. I was just beginning to come out of my shell so to speak. I was having a lot of luck attracting men and was building a confidence in that like I had never had in my younger days. It felt so good! And now this. To be handed herpes at this moment at the beginning of summer when I had so much to look forward to took me out at the knees.


When I was reading your words I felt a spark of my old self. Just a little one but one nonetheless. That person who derives energy, happiness, and mental health from looking and feeling great and that person who knows how and is willing to do what it takes to get there. I'd lost that recently. What's the point is what I'd think.


I've been in an isolating fog since I heard. I've told two of my dearest friends and the man who I'm certain passed this to me. All three have been helpful in their own ways. Everyone else in my life can tell I'm not right but I can't bring myself to share it yet.


In any case I feel like maybe I'm passing through the dark time. I'm not naive enough to think things will be eternally rosey from this point but just having a little hope that I may connect with someone great makes a difference. One step at a time I suppose.


Reconnecting with life, health, work, family, friends, etc. will help me regain strength and hope for a full, happy future, and reading your words has given me incentive to begin that process.


Anyway I just wanted to let you know how you reached me today with your story and to thank you for sharing it. I'm gonna be ok.

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Thanks for your post EricaBlue...I am glad my words reached you and kindled a spark. Such a sad situation to be living with someone and not have a connection any more, that is one of the loneliest places to be. And when you have kids I can understand staying in it if there is no outward drama. Is there no hope to rekindle the relationship? Does he know you have other partners and have herpes?


Sorry about the questions but I do feel concerned for your husband if you do become intimate again and he doesn't know. And I feel concerned for you...you cannot feel good energy and happiness and have good mental or emotional health if you are not being honest with yourself or the person you live with. It's easy to blame the herpes but the isolating fog actually comes from not being authentic..and the dark time will stay dim and confusing until you do what you need to do to be honest with yourself.


It is a matter of one step at a time and it is such early days for you and there will be so many conflicting emotions with what you are dealing with. But I think herpes has come into your life to help you grow, painful as it is. You really are going to be ok - be kind to yourself and live with truth...connect with all the good things in your world and know that this is your opportunity to be a light. Herpes is a gift, one we initially think was a mistake but if we unwrap it with care and look for the good in the gift we become more of who we are :-)


I'm sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts hon...let go of that negativity - actually give it a good ass kick and get on with shining :-) xxx

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Hi lelani


Thanks for your thoughtful response.


My spot is lonely in the romantic sense but I'll always respect and love my husband as a wonderful friend. He's the best kind of man. It's just many years ago I lost the physical attraction to him. I don't understand why but its just been in the last couple of years that I've accepted that as is and have stopped blaming it on extraneous things. It just is and has been for so long.


We have discussed all this and have stopped sex and sleeping together a while ago. My anxiety level has dropped off significantly since I don't feel obligated to have sex with him anymore. I don't have hope of rekindling but sometimes I think he does. For now we are able to live peacefully and cooperatively and raise our family. I am grateful for this because a separation right now would be financially devastating.


That all said we have not discussed seeing other people. I'm not sure if he has or if he knows that I have. We live separate social lives for the most part. For this reason I have not told him that I have herpes. I suspect that telling him that I have both had sex with someone else and have herpes might be a little overwhelming. Plus based on history I worry that he'll share with his family and friends and I can't face that right now.


Anyway that's where it is for now. Not sure what else to do short term but take it day by day. Except maybe lose some of the negativity like you say. Others have said the same to me. It's a real struggle but I'm trying since I know it's not productive.


Anyway, thank you so much for listening. It's so helpful for me right now as I'm sure you know.


Hope you are all settled in your new town, that things are going great and that you got that job!


Take good care Lelani.


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