mr_hopp

Why do you berate yourself like this, D? I've met you. I've talked with you. I know you. You are more than a virus. You have a huge heart. You are the princess who helps children. Do you remember that person inside yourself? Do you still see her? Stop putting yourself lower than herpes. You are taking your own power and beauty away. Remember that. No one else can do that but you. Here's the tough love for you: You're enough. You're beautiful. I promise. I know it. And YOU know it, too. You found it within yourself. You've just seemed to forget it again. You're lovable. So lovable. Remember that. Why would he want to be with someone with an STD? Because that someone is you. He wants to be with YOU. Why are you even considering that you would need to cut off someone who's smitten with you? Why are you considering a sexless relationship? Because you're afraid of rejection. Because you don't believe in yourself. Why have you convinced yourself of all this? Why do you dwell on all the imaginary negatives instead of seeing all the truth of your beauty?

Hi all! FYI, I'm leaving this morning for 10 days, so I won't be back on these forums until after 6/9. A 10-day silent meditation course. A little nervous, but mostly excited. This feels like the next step for me in my self-awareness and growth to go more deeply into myself in silence, in community. I'll see you all on the other side! Hold down these forums while I'm gone! :) Much love ...

Yes, exactly! Dating yourself is a good way to think about it. Get reacquainted with yourself: what you like, what you don't like, what inspires you, what hobbies you want to learn or pick back up, etc. How to realize how minuscule herpes really is? Love your life. Live your life fully. That's when all those foul thoughts about herpes naturally fade into the background because herpes can't compete with all the good things that life has to offer. It's also a decision of where to put your attention. If you are always focusing on herpes, your mind will focus on all the reasons why it sucks. If you start focusing on other things, your mind will focus on that. You're in Canada? 2 people are coming from Canada to the seminar! Brenda and Beckie are both Canadians. Brenda is staffing and Beckie is participating. I also do private one-on-one skype coaching sessions if you're interested in that. If so, private message me and I'll send you details.

I just got off Skype with someone about this just a few minutes ago. Fascinating. :) Noticing how I treat myself moment to moment has had a tremendous effect on my own relationship to myself. Noticing that little (sometimes big) judgmental voice that says those things throughout my day and then shifting how I treat myself to something better. A few weeks ago was a huge shift around this for me ... I was having a rough couple of weeks and crying here and there (which has been a new shift all on its own — a guy crying is not acceptable in our culture!) And as I was shuffling around my house, allowing myself to cry and let my emotions move where they wanted to, I poured myself a cup of coffee, then creamer (I like my coffee SWEET). And I heard a soft voice in my head, almost like the voice of my mom when I had a fever as a kid "Yeah, I know you like it sweet. We're going to make it just how you like it." It was comforting, nurturing. Quite the opposite of how I used to treat myself day in, day out. It was a profound shift for me in that moment. PROFOUND. A simple moment can change a lot. And just like any relationship, my relationship with myself will have its ups and downs, but I'm dedicated to staying in connection with myself and nurturing myself. The more I'm able to nurture myself and treat myself kindly, the more I'm able to reflect that out to others, too.

Wow, Heart of Gold ... what an apt name you chose for yourself on these forums. I can tell that you cherish love. You love love. And that inspires me. A heart like yours isn't meant to be held back in the world. Just because one man didn't appreciate your heart, didn't respect your heart, doesn't mean that you can't still unleash it on the world. Interestingly enough, when I got herpes, I was on a SUPER HIGH of my life, too! I was reading Power of Now, getting totally inspired, overcoming my shyness in approaching women, loving myself and accepting myself more than I ever had before. Life was awesome. And it was at that peak that I got the news. I believe now, looking back on that timing, that it was perfect. From that time on, it started a process of introspection for me, of knowing myself on an even deeper level. And that beautiful process continues to this day. And my heart is bigger, deeper and more expansive than ever. I have learned to be with myself in ways that I don't think would have shown up if it weren't for getting herpes (I know, I know, sounds crazy, huh?) Also, consider this: You cannot have super highs without super lows. You can't have yin without yang. This isn't some cliché thing; this is a fact of the world. In this valley, if you fully explore it and live in it without numbing out to it, you can have access to that kind of peak, too. It's all one. And what about you? Where are you in all of this? You said "I feel like everything I've ever done in my life has been in preparation of finding that special someone to share love with. And now that everything has been for nothing." That floored me. Is your heart so big for others that you will only do for yourself in preparation for someone else's benefit? You ask about people who have REALLY gotten through and found peace from herpes? You're lookin' at him. ;) And everyone who has gone through the weekend seminar has — Check out what they say about it here: http://bit.ly/10yleq7 ... Because connecting to yourself on a deep level (which it sounds like you already have access to) has a magical way of bypassing any sort of anxiety around herpes. Let yourself have your feelings right now. Don't overanalyze it and try to figure out how to get past this. I get that you're super smart. And when it comes to feelings, you can't apply intellect to them to wash them away. It is what it is right now. And for whatever reason, it sounds like it feels heavy, ominous, sad. Let yourself feel those things fully. They are okay. You are okay. Your feelings and you deserve to be here. As @obladi_oblada said, those are your teachers now. When you are ready to be with someone else in relationship, you will know it. For now, be with yourself. I have no doubt that all of that beauty that you had found before will be found again. It is not gone. Just waiting to be uncovered again. And when you do, it will be beautiful. I promise.

Here's what I know about HPV: 80% of people will have gotten HPV at sometime in their lives by the time they're 50 years old. And it's a virus that clears on its own (90% of HPV is cleared by the body's immune system). What strain do you have? Certain strains cause actual genital warts while other strains can cause cancer, so you might have to go in to get more pap smears if you have the cancerous type. So hon, you're in the minority if you DON'T have HPV. ;) But do find out what strain(s) you have so you can take precautions if need be. Here are some good articles I found: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/07/hpv-facts-myths_n_2417371.html http://www.doctoroz.com/slideshow/hpv-facts-stats-and-your-risk# http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/hpv-genital-warts/hpv-virus-information-about-human-papillomavirus

I was able to recover these replies to your original posting: @Atlantic Amazing and inspirational, Obladi. You are a brilliant writer and this made my night. Thanks! @AbbeygaleMc Herpes didn’t start the feelings of not good enough… it just introduced myself to a world of baggage that used to be tucked neatly away. Wowza, hello baggage of realizations.

:( (Sorry about inadvertently deleting that post.) See you in July at the H Opp weekend!

I feel the need to explain since you're assuming that I'm identifying myself with herpes. ;) Initially, I tacked that to my name to let people know I was the guy who put this thing together. And I'd say the focus is less on the H and more on the Opp. ;) This community isn't ultimately about herpes (don't tell anyone that, though). It's about the opportunity of switching focus from herpes to who you truly are on a deeper level. Then herpes is relegated to the insignificant little itchy skin rash it actually is, stripped of its power. I'm sorry you allowed herpes to ruin your life. I feel really sad hearing that from you. And it's stories like yours that further inspire me to get the message out there: Breaking the myth that herpes has any sort of power to ruin anyone's life. Only we have that kind of power. Thanks for sharing yourself and for contributing your heart after everything you've been through. That's quite a life to live, and you inspire me that you want to help. It's especially those who have gone through hardships themselves who can truly understand the hardships of others. And through that, be able to really get the good stuff, too. :)

Welcome to the community, Bengee! And thanks for sharing your perspective. I love how you're on the other side of it, reaping the benefits of honesty and integrity. I imagine it wasn't always like that for you, though. What was it like when you first got herpes all those years ago?

I'm inspired to share this with you, my heartfelt community, because a huge part of my own personal healing has been to follow my passions, to connect with people in deeper ways, to express myself vulnerably and shamelessly. This dance represents those things and sharing it with our community is fitting. We filmed it yesterday afternoon at a friend's pond. Enjoy! ... and here's our previous dance together performed at Memorial Hall here in Chapel Hill:

Wow, a herpes diagnosis in French! That had to push your whole immersion experience a bit further than expected. ;) Thank you for reaching out here. There's a lot of support for you here regardless of the language (although I tend to understand English best). All kidding aside, I'm truly sorry you went through that. I imagine that felt pretty lonely ... Remember that even though you will have herpes for life, it doesn't mean you'll feel the same as you do right now for your whole life. ;) Change is the only constant. Your feelings about what having herpes means will change if you allow them to. Be open to healing and things will shift for the better. But that's the kicker to healing: In order to move on, we must fully feel what is right here in front of us, at our core. It is a practice to hold your own view of what herpes means to you, even amongst the societal stigma that seems to be surrounding us. We are the ones who get to dictate for ourselves what it means to us. No one else gets to tell me what my experience will feel like. I appreciate your waves of happiness and self-strength, and the other waves of sadness and loneliness, to ... All of these are meant to be and natural. There's nothing wrong with how you are feeling right now. Remember that. Love yourself through the feelings that you are feeling in this moment. That will allow yourself to heal.

Hi KV63! Welcome to our community of healing. :) You know, the phrase that jumps out at me is "any advice on how I can close this chapter and heal and come to terms with what happened." You'll see a lot on this forum and the herpeslife.com blog the idea of the only way to heal is to go through whatever is right here in front of you. "Closing a chapter" has a sense of pushing away what is. Rejecting it. And that only has whatever needs to be experienced to be pushed down further. There is no closing of the chapter. It will close on its own when it's ready to close. That's the healing process. Let go of how it should be and allow it for what it is. Check out these blog articles: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages/ As far as your specific questions regarding herpes medication and herpes treatment, check out these blog articles for more on that: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-treatment http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication You're going to be okay. I promise. You will grow and heal and accept. Time, support and love from a community is what will help you through this. Have you considered coming to the weekend seminar? http://thehopp.com

Thanks for closing the loop, SunnyDays. Yes, HSV-1 is just as likely to show up genitally as orally, but it has to be passed there. It's hard to autoinoculate (spread herpes from your mouth to your genitals), so yes, either you got herpes passed to you in both places at the same time or someone you've been with got cold sores on his lips and went down on you. You know, 50% of new genital herpes cases are caused by oral sex, right? Classic example of the same exact virus having no shame when it's on the lips, but the second it goes down below the belt, the stigma seems to latch on. That's why we're all about spreading knowledge, acceptance and love here instead of ignorance, shame and stigma.

If it really was only in for a small time, you probably didn't pass herpes to him ... When no herpes outbreak is happening, there's only a 4% chance of passing it from female to male. But on the same token, you don't know what he had, either. Being safe goes both ways. We aren't the only contagious ones out there. ;)

I'm glad you're starting to accept your tears. But did you just judge yourself as silly for judging yourself about crying? :/ See how judgment can be a sneaky thing when it's become a pattern in how we treat ourselves? I see this all the time in my coaching clients. If we're not careful, we start judging ourselves for judging ourselves and a vicious unconscious cycle begins ... Notice the judgment, smile, then say something kind to yourself ("Wow, I just noticed myself judging me! Good job noticing, me!"). ;)

Hi Andrea! It was great to talk with you the other day. And wow, you've gone through a lot in your life, huh? Quite the warrior's journey as I see it. Proving to yourself that you're a survivor, someone who can overcome obstacle after obstacle. I'm proud of you and impressed that you have made it this far ... And beyond all the survival, I'm proud of you for getting back out there, for getting back on the horse. For knowing that you're lovable and being open to proving it to yourself as a FACT. ;) Sounds like having been careless in the past is leading you into more caring. Sounds like you're paying attention now ... And that's a gift. As we talked about over the phone, the worry about having this for life is a tricky fear to have ... Because it assumes that you will feel the same exact way about having herpes for the rest of your life as you do now. And that's simply not the case. Things change. Relationships change. Beliefs change. You have every ability to shift how you feel about having herpes as anything in your life. Nothing in life is unchangeable. Nothing. And herpes disclosure will come naturally to you once you allow space to accept yourself. From there, the herpes talk is a breeze. I hope you do end up coming to the Herpes Opportunity weekend. That's what it's all about: A visceral, community experience of deep, deep self-acceptance. We only have a couple of spots available, so let me know soon!

Z - As you've gathered by now, there is no skipping ahead. And that in itself is actually a great thing! That's the good news! It allows us to grow into who we truly are. I know that must sound crazy poetic and overly dramatic, especially considering that the topic here is a simple skin condition on our hoo-hahs. ;) But it's so true. The only way to get there is through. Embrace it.

Again, I'm less interested in the actual words you use and more interested in the FEELINGS you have as you're disclosing. Most of our communication is nonverbal. How we feel about ourselves and how we feel about having herpes is transmitted in the disclosure conversation more than the actual words are. And oh Zoriah, no no no, you don't make them feel bad about not wanting to deal. :) Their thoughts, feelings and reactions are theirs to have. Don't manage their experience at all. Don't you see that this is less about THEM and more about YOU? ;) Example: How would you react to a guy who was interested in you and A) was super negative about himself, wasn't confident at all, couldn't even make eye contact with you because he was so self-judgmental vs B) a guy who is clearly solid in who he is, is positive and clear and looks you right in the eyes with an unwavering gaze without an ounce of self-judgment. Which one would you be more drawn to? And if you were to reject both of them, how would guy B take it? I imagine he'd take it in stride; yes, he's disappointed, but you rejecting him isn't the end of his world. He knows he's enough. Your opinion of him doesn't change his own opinion of himself. Point is: Self-acceptance is sexy. And it's a better muscle to practice building than any words you'll ever use. And this isn't to say that it's all up to how you feel about yourself to determine 100% how the other person will react, but it does have a large part to play. And yes, maybe the other person, regardless of you, still believes all the herpes hype and is stigmatized. How to deal with that? The French said it best: C'est la vie. Move on. Live your life. There are plenty of guys who will see you and recognize you as someone they want to be with regardless of a little skin condition. Hence why I offered to help you out by doing a disclosure role play. My treat. It'll take about 20 minutes via Skype, and I'll give you straightup feedback throughout that will point to your growth edge.

I hear you. And I still have a feeling that there's something in the disclosure that holds the thread that will unravel this. Trust me on this one. It's in the disclosure where how we feel about ourselves is underlined. Because if you already feel good about yourself regardless of how someone else reacts, you will still feel good about yourself afterwards, too. That's why disclosure is such a lynchpin in all of this, it points where our growth points still are. It's a tool for self-understanding.

I'm sorry you're feeling all that. Fragile. Feeling unseen. I feel sad hearing that from you. The truth is, you're still just as beautiful as you've ever been, whether or not someone else sees it. I'm most curious about how the talk has felt from your perspective. Can you describe how the talk went, blow-by-blow? How did you feel about yourself as you were disclosing, how did they react, how did their reaction impact you, etc.? If you'd like, we can hop on Skype and do some practice disclosures. I'm like a heat-seeking missile when it comes to the disclosure talk. :) You'd be surprised where our own beliefs about ourselves come seeping out unconsciously in the disclosure conversation. It's an opportunity to accept yourself on a deeper level. I'd be happy to help.

:) I'm so happy hearing this, NotAlone. Thanks for checking back in with our community. I've been wondering how you've been doing. Here's to happiness!

Hi! And you're welcome! Always feels good to hear people sharing how this website and Opportunity movement is positively impacting people. And it's so BEAUTIFUL to hear you say that your partner is also your best friend. I love that. Congratulations on what sounds like quite a wonderful fit of two human beings. ;) To answer your questions, 15-20% of people who have HSV-2 never have any signs or symptoms. Ever. But that doesn't mean that their herpes isn't still contagious, thanks to viral shedding. Read these blog posts for more on those topics: http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/ http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ Starting on suppressive therapy will help a lot. It will lessen the viral shedding by 50-80% and lessen the chances of passing herpes to your partner by 50% (according to studies). How you have sex will determine the chances of spreading it or not. If you get friction involved vagina-to-vagina, there is a 10% chance of spreading herpes from your vagina to hers (5% if you're on suppressive therapy). Oral sex is absolutely fine and there is only a 1% chance of spreading it from vagina to mouth since HSV-2 overwhelmingly prefers the down-low environment. ;) Here's a blog article on that: http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex Read these handouts for a summary of all these statistics: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout Thanks for reaching out here and please let us know if you have any other questions! Knowledge is power AND an opportunity for true intimacy. Love shamelessly. :)

Bust out o' that glass case of emotion! (Plus, who uses phone booths anymore anyway? So old school.) ;)

Hi abbyroad. All is not lost. The reason you are freaking out about this RIGHT NOW is because you do indeed have integrity. This is a HUGE learning experience for you to realize that if your integrity is compromised, it lets you know about it. Big time. The only people who don't stress about stuff like this are the kind of people who don't have any integrity. "Fuck it" is the phrase that's used a lot. They have no more need to go down their path of morality. You do. And you messed up. How will you handle the situation from here on out? That's the important part. How will you make it right? How will you handle yourself in the future if something similar happens? I imagine this is a very big lesson that you will use for good. I can't offer you specific advice on whether to tell him or not. But your integrity will. Ask yourself that question. What do you feel that you want to do?