Herpes is not the reason...

[Carlos]

why HE or SHE left you.

 

Most of you know my history, but for those who are reading my funk for the first time... I am a veteran HSV2 man... on top of that, homosexual to a fault (I truly love Men). On top of that, Actor (I truly love my craft... I'll even do crappy theater just to keep creativity flowing). And on top of all THAT, I'm from Colombia... the land that invented Machismo, Tropicalismo, Magic Realism, and redefined the meaning of Anger. Luckily, I come from a deep pool of good genes and I'm kinda pleasant to look at. If you're asking, at this juncture, who is this clown and who invited him? ...well, all things will be revealed in a need to know basis. For now, what I want you to wrap your pretty little head around is this: HERPES IS NOT THE REASON WHY--

 

I was diagnosed in the Spring of 2002. In the past 11 years I have met a number of men and have gotten in bed with them. I wish I could say I disclosed to all partners in a timely fashion, with integrity and poise... I wish I could, but I'd be bullshitting you. I messed up at least 3 times, (disclosing after the deed). One drifted out of my life before I could gather up the courage. Two of them I disclosed to over the phone (I was too ashamed to do it personally). Two others I disclosed to via email. In other words... I beat around the bush a lot. Dancing around the fact that I needed to do the right thing not just for me, for HSV2 can be a conduit for HIV infection amongst men who have sex with men, but for the poor guy making his way down my pants. Good news is, as time went by I became comfortable with having Gential Herpes. I did a lot of forgiving... did not just forgive the guy who infected me (an Ex-BF) but my parents and any one else I was holding hostage in my mind. "Take thee to a nunnery," said Hamlet to Ophelia. So I hired a psychotherapist.

 

9 years on the couch helped but was not sufficient. My subconscious was too powerful for Dr. Saunders to tame. It took some tough love on behalf of the Universe to teach me how to act, how to BE. The richest source of luck we have is other people: relationships... all of them, especially the crazy ones that leave you like you just got hit by a bus. The beautiful, short-lived ones too. And the great ones that seem to go on forever, until it's time to say goodbye. I dated men who panicked, or accepted my (h) with coolness, or stayed to try to work it out. I also met guys who upon my disclosure said with an enthusiastic yelp: "Me Too!" But after all was tallied-up, I'd be left thinking that it was my infected body what caused love to sour. I mean... what else could it be? I did my soul-searching, my positive affirmations... put in some serious couch time at Dr. Saunders'... read books, practiced Yoga, got a BFA... I'm a catch! If it weren't for the damn Herpes.

 

I couldn't have been more wrong. And if you've been thinking pretty much the same thing since your diagnosis... well... brace yourself because, IT IS NOT THE (h). Somehow chemistry wouldn't gel between those who expressed nonchalance and me. Why the heck not? They were decent guys... Why wouldn't I just hold on, give love time... I mean, how many gay men are going to be cool about my condition? The same occurred with those who were infected. Why am I not in a long-term relationship with one of them? If we have this great commonality, why couldn't we work things out? And of those who expressed a sincere desire to stick around... where did the sincerity go? Lastly, of those who panicked... why didn't I try harder to sell the other 99% of me (which I think is pretty great, right?)

 

Romantic relationships are complex, centered around my capacity to love and be loved... The complexity has to do with where I stand in the self-loathing department. Most importantly, this rule also applies to the other person. 11 years of trial & error and amend-making, have taught me that one of the basic reasons why I cannot keep a man is because I am not clear about the qualities & characteristics I desire in a partner. Not just the external aspect but his temperament, grace, ability to respond, communication style, maturity, level of honesty, etc. Is he a man who wears his wounds with honor? Or is he a trickster, a gyp, moving from banana to banana like a freakin fly?

 

The reason HE or SHE left has more to do with them... than with you... or your herpes. Moreover, the reason why that particular person came into your life was to push you further... a little bit further... to your center. A place where you must arrive alone and stripped... a place where your heart booms with love for the self first. Once I get there, if I get there in this lifetime, then and only then will I be able to share all the qualities and characteristics I've sharpened and polished... (a diamond in the rough you are). Then and only then can I step into a relationship and give of my self-generated love... instead of taking for the self alone. Relationship is the place where one goes to give, not take. In the meantime, (h) can be a beacon of light guiding me through dark pathways. Somehow, herpes is stripping layers of dust off of my soul. Peace will come to me. And to you.

[lelani]

I just love your posts Carlos...I wish I lived near you so we could hang out at talk about all this stuff. I get you and understand totally what you are saying. Herpes is a stripper ;-)! It has stripped me of negative thoughts about myself, of those cloudy layers that make it seem like its all about me and my condition if someone rejects me if I disclose.

 

I had to get really clear about what I wanted in a partner before one appeared (took me 7 years and only in the last two did I have herpes!). I am now with a real man who knows how to love, how to live and lives with integrity. It took me that long to find him and getting Herpes has actually been a gift helping me to know what I really wanted..and what I didn't. Before that I wasn't clear.

 

I love your line that "relationship is the place where one goes to give, not take". That is so true - I treat disclosure that same way...in being honest and having integrity you not only give the other person these gifts - you give them to yourself.

 

I am sending you the biggest hug...you are a beautiful man. :-) xxx

[tRinity914]

carlos, your post made me teary-eyed. thank you for writing it. :)

 

i agree with what you said that the reason a particular person comes into our life is to push us further, a bit closer to the center. i would like to believe that every person we meet is a chance for us to get to know ourselves better.

 

sometimes, we fail to understand and see clearly because we are so wrapped up with resentment having h. you are absolutely right, h is not the reason... it is a signal to see the light...

 

wishing peace to come your way soon... you deserve it... :)

[abc123]

Your posts are powerful to me. I am just getting the hang of this. I'm still in my anger and misery phase. But your words spoke to me directly.... About why people leave us or stay with us or just teach us something we need to know. Perhaps in time, I will be as strong- willed as you are. You inspire many of us here, so thank you. Peace, abc123

[HereComesTheSun]

<3

[WCSDancer2010]

Love it. Beautiful :)

[simplyme24]

This is something I truly needed to hear...as I was riding the train to work....alone with my thoughts and having one of those days...thinking "will my ex be the only one who will ever have accepted me?" "Was I lucky to have him?" "Should I have stayed?" And reading this made me remember that ppl come into our lives for a reason...no matter how long or short their time. "Especially the crazy ones that leave you like you got hit by a bus"...could not explain my feelings any better right now! love It!

[Equanimous]

Wonderful post Carlos!

"The reason HE or SHE left has more to do with them... than with you... or your herpes. Moreover, the reason why that particular person came into your life was to push you further... a little bit further... to your center. A place where you must arrive alone and stripped... a place where your heart booms with love for the self first."

 

Love it!

[mr_hopp]

I love that this post from Carlos has resurfaced. Always sage (and funny) wisdom coming from your posts. (Can y'all tell he's a writer/playwright/actor/artist? Pretty obvious to me with all the brilliance overflowin' from him.) ;) Miss you, Carlos! Much love, bro!

[ashaelizbeth]

This is absolutely beautiful!!!

[hope75]

 

"Relationship is the place where one goes to give, not take. In the meantime, (h) can be a beacon of light guiding me through dark pathways. Somehow, herpes is stripping layers of dust off of my soul"

 

This is wonderful ! thank you for posting this :-)

[childofstars]

Im dealing with this with my boyfriend right now. Hes hepatitis c positive and im hvs 2 positive. So him getting infected by me would be a double whammy.... He says the herpes is the only thing that discourages him being with me because he wants to make sure hes okay. He says im perfect but he has to make sure hes okay so my situation it is the herpes... but i dont think hes going anywhere soon. :)

[hope75]

@childofstars . Not to throw a spanner in the works, but are you not equally at risk of contracting Hep c from him ??x

[OnTheBrightSide]

What a fantastic post Carlos! It so completely captures the fantastic opportunity that H offers: namely the chance to face the truth about all the bull we feed ourselves about rejection! If it wasn't the H, the mean friend we have in our head would pick another story but bash us just as forcefully.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Caregiver Carlos just handed us 2 doses of real with a pitcher of love. Keep em comin carlos :)

[Carlos]

I am tickled with joy; humbled by your responses; honored to be of service. Don't--under any circumstances--ever betray number one (YOU).

 

Happy Holidays, everyone!!!

Carlos

[NexisLexis]

thank you for the holiday cheer of encouragement. loved it! I think we need to be reminded of this periodically. that we need to take care of ourselves first, then once we do that we can take care of others because we will be running on full and not on empty.

merry Christmas to all

marcia

[SouthernBelle96]

This is wonderful! Thank you for this @Carlos!!!