mr_hopp

15-20% of people who get herpes never have an outbreak. And yes, there is always a chance of passing it to the baby. Did you read what I wrote above? The way that most children get oral herpes (cold sores) from their relatives is when their relatives have an actual active outbreak on their lips and then kiss the baby. Herpes is many, many times more contagious when an oozing lesion is present. Viral shedding sheds so little of the virus that there is such a small chance of herpes being spread to the child. But as a precautionary measure since a newborn baby has such delicate skin, be more cautious of that since herpes spreads through mucous membranes and easy access past the skin. And yes, there is still a chance. And it's up for both of you to decide, but don't treat it like your husband is a walking contagion that's definitely going to infect your baby with a kiss, because the chances are smaller than you might think. (And I can imagine your motherly instincts wanting to protect your child, which I totally honor; just wanting to make sure you see this as true to life as it is without blowing anything out of proportion.)

Hey Done, Deeeeep breath. I totally get the frustration and anger at the situation. And I totally get how he could be taking all that personally due to his feelings of guilt. Both of you get to have your individual experiences and come together when you can to support each other or talk about it. For a foundational understanding of all the facts and figures, download these 2 handouts and read them over: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout ... and here's an article on how you get herpes: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ As to your specific questions ... 1. 80% of people have oral HSV-1 (cold sores). It's super common. The only way to avoid getting it is to never kiss anybody. That said, kiss your husband. You will never know when he's actively shedding, but you already have HSV-1 genitally now, so your body is already building up antibodies and immunity to being able to get the virus elsewhere on the body. The likelihood of you getting cold sores from kissing your husband goes less and less as time goes on. 2. The chances of infecting your newborn by gentle kisses, even if you do have latent oral HSV-1, is very small. The way that most children get cold sores is from mis-informed adults kissing them WITH active outbreaks. In order to spread herpes, there has to be some nice friction goin' on (if you know what I mean). And that goes for your husband, too. As long as he is cognizant of when he might be developing a cold sore or not (feeling a tingling on the area on his lips where he normally develops an outbreak), he can kiss the baby with a very slim chance of passing herpes. Be safe, but don't be paranoid. The kisses and love from you to your child are much more powerful than herpes is dangerous. Don't let that hold you back from loving your child. Does this help?

So you're attributing diarrhea to an STD? I'm confused. ;) Hey, maybe you and the family ate some bad meat. Seriously, it doesn't help anything to allow the paranoia to take over. It only exacerbates the perceived problem. Move past thinking about this all the time and move on with what excites you and inspires you about your life!

I'm loving this conversation ... Loving it. The shifts in awareness and acceptance are beautiful. It's not immediately understandable (and quite possibly perceived as quite crazy off the bat) that herpes can actually be an opportunity, but there you go. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I'm glad you're here. :)

The only costs associated with herpes are suppressive medication, so I doubt herpes would up your rates. I pay $30 for a 3 month supply of Acyclovir when I'm in a relationship with a partner without herpes to protect her, but other than that there are no "medical expenses" per se when it comes to having herpes.

Not me! Has it affected you? Do you ask because you're currently shopping for health insurance or what?

Looks like Paige just found her (h) buddy. ;) And to what you said on the (h) buddy thread that you "may not have much advice to offer" you'd be surprised how much more healing a conversation WITHOUT any advice can be. When we focus on simply understanding each other and offering an ear and kind words, when we allow ourselves to be seen and see someone else for who they are, then the advice isn't necessary. We don't have to have the answers for each other, but we can have compassion, understanding and love.

Yes, I agree, Max_G ... holding out hope is okay. But betting on it will just postpone life. ;) I'll be pleasantly surprised if it happens, but I'm living my life fully in the meantime. Have you read this blog article? http://herpeslife.com/the-key-to-being-happy-with-herpes-give-up-hope

Hi Atlantic, I am proud of you for disclosing, whether or not you're "accepted" just the fact that you disclosed from your heart is huge. Courageous. Integrity. And I understand the sadness, too. And breakups are always sad. Bittersweet. I went through a breakup about a month ago. I feel you. And yes, good reminder that relationships are much more than herpes. ;) That's just one piece to a much larger puzzle called the heart. My advice? Take time for yourself. Being single isn't hell! Remember! ;) Being alone doesn't mean you have to feel lonely. Take this time to reconnect to yourself and when you are ready to open to the possibility of a new relationship it will happen without you having to push it. Living your life, doing things you love will bring the right people into your life, friends, lovers, everyone. So live on! And feel all those feelings that you're feeling right now: The sadness, the missing, the humble pride around your successful disclosure ... It's all there and it all deserves to be there. Let yourself feel it all without being consumed by it. The best medicine to heal is to live your life and do the things you love. Everything else falls into place from there.

You can stop worrying, Jassabell! I give you full permision! :) No, herpes is only passable with skin-to-skin contact. Read up on all that here: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

Welcome Paige. I'm glad you're here. I get that whole "running away as a means to tamp down the shameful voices in my head" thing. But that only exacerbates the problem. The voices come back stronger the next time herpes comes into our awareness (the next herpes outbreak, that random not-funny herpes joke on TV, etc.). Denial doesn't go to the root of what's going on; it only puts it off for some future time ... So good on you for actually facing it. It's never easy, but it's worth it. It's worth it for your emotional health, for your relationship to yourself, which then branches out into all other relationships, romantic or otherwise. It takes courage to face it. And that's exactly what this post of yours is doing. Basically saying "Okay, I have herpes. Let the healing begin." It's only when we face it that we allow it to come out, when we allow ourselves to wash out the wound that's been festering for a bit. And to your other question about the blood test, it's never a straight answer on that. The blood test picks up on antibodies, which take a few weeks to build themselves to a detectable level, so who knows how it went down when he has a negative blood test, he may have still had herpes but the antibody levels weren't there yet. At this point, it doesn't really help the healing process to figure that out or make sense of it. I know, that's the tendency that we have, but if there ends up being no definitive answers, then we just spin our wheels and expend valuable energy on worrying instead of living. By all means, do what you need to do to have closure with this person and say what needs to be said, but as far as figuring out how you got it and needing that answer, it's going to be hard to pinpoint, so acceptance and moving forward with your own healing is key. Thank you for sharing yourself here, Paige. I'm glad you're here. I feel your heart, broken as it may be. And I like how I feel when I read what you write. I don't like that you're suffering, but I do like that you're reaching out and opening your heart to us. That's the part that feels good. The courageous vulnerability. Big hugs ... We're here for you. By the way, you may be interested in posting your interest for a (h) buddy and hunting one down to connect with one-on-one. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching. There are so many options for healing available to you. And all it took was you reaching out for you. (h) buddies: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/223/need-someone-to-talk-to-herpes-buddies#Item_144

Have you downloaded the handouts yet? All those kinds of questions are answered thoroughly there. Here are links to those: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout ... and here are related blog articles: http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex/ http://herpeslife.com/rates-of-herpes-transmission/ http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ "If I gave oral would I spread HSV2 to them?" No, you would not spread genital HSV-2 to them if you gave them oral since you don't have HSV-2 on your mouth (only 1% of people who have HSV-2 have it orally, so it's super rare). "I know genital to genital contact has very high chances of spreading" Actually the chances are quite low when you look at the percentages on the handouts: even without condoms and suppressive therapy (when you're not having an outbreak, of course), 10% chance of passing it from men to women, 4% chance of passing it from women to men even without condoms and suppressive therapy. Then you might ask why so many people have herpes? Ignorance. People who have herpes and are in denial and end up having sex unprotected is where I assume the vast majority of new cases come from. That's why knowledge is the best safety measure.

Open communication is all that you can do. That's what relationship is all about anyway. "Hey, just wanted to inform you that I've had something going on down there that I haven't figured out what it is yet and the doctor says it's nothing to worry about. But I wanted to let you know since it doesn't feel quite right. I'm in the process of getting another test." Being open about all you know is the good, mature thing to do. Saying nothing doesn't feel right to you, but saying you have something isn't scientifically/medically proven (at least not yet). Feels like limbo to me. And to communicate that limbo is where it's at as far as I see it.

Why do you berate yourself like this, D? I've met you. I've talked with you. I know you. You are more than a virus. You have a huge heart. You are the princess who helps children. Do you remember that person inside yourself? Do you still see her? Stop putting yourself lower than herpes. You are taking your own power and beauty away. Remember that. No one else can do that but you. Here's the tough love for you: You're enough. You're beautiful. I promise. I know it. And YOU know it, too. You found it within yourself. You've just seemed to forget it again. You're lovable. So lovable. Remember that. Why would he want to be with someone with an STD? Because that someone is you. He wants to be with YOU. Why are you even considering that you would need to cut off someone who's smitten with you? Why are you considering a sexless relationship? Because you're afraid of rejection. Because you don't believe in yourself. Why have you convinced yourself of all this? Why do you dwell on all the imaginary negatives instead of seeing all the truth of your beauty?

Hi all! FYI, I'm leaving this morning for 10 days, so I won't be back on these forums until after 6/9. A 10-day silent meditation course. A little nervous, but mostly excited. This feels like the next step for me in my self-awareness and growth to go more deeply into myself in silence, in community. I'll see you all on the other side! Hold down these forums while I'm gone! :) Much love ...

Yes, exactly! Dating yourself is a good way to think about it. Get reacquainted with yourself: what you like, what you don't like, what inspires you, what hobbies you want to learn or pick back up, etc. How to realize how minuscule herpes really is? Love your life. Live your life fully. That's when all those foul thoughts about herpes naturally fade into the background because herpes can't compete with all the good things that life has to offer. It's also a decision of where to put your attention. If you are always focusing on herpes, your mind will focus on all the reasons why it sucks. If you start focusing on other things, your mind will focus on that. You're in Canada? 2 people are coming from Canada to the seminar! Brenda and Beckie are both Canadians. Brenda is staffing and Beckie is participating. I also do private one-on-one skype coaching sessions if you're interested in that. If so, private message me and I'll send you details.

I just got off Skype with someone about this just a few minutes ago. Fascinating. :) Noticing how I treat myself moment to moment has had a tremendous effect on my own relationship to myself. Noticing that little (sometimes big) judgmental voice that says those things throughout my day and then shifting how I treat myself to something better. A few weeks ago was a huge shift around this for me ... I was having a rough couple of weeks and crying here and there (which has been a new shift all on its own — a guy crying is not acceptable in our culture!) And as I was shuffling around my house, allowing myself to cry and let my emotions move where they wanted to, I poured myself a cup of coffee, then creamer (I like my coffee SWEET). And I heard a soft voice in my head, almost like the voice of my mom when I had a fever as a kid "Yeah, I know you like it sweet. We're going to make it just how you like it." It was comforting, nurturing. Quite the opposite of how I used to treat myself day in, day out. It was a profound shift for me in that moment. PROFOUND. A simple moment can change a lot. And just like any relationship, my relationship with myself will have its ups and downs, but I'm dedicated to staying in connection with myself and nurturing myself. The more I'm able to nurture myself and treat myself kindly, the more I'm able to reflect that out to others, too.

Wow, Heart of Gold ... what an apt name you chose for yourself on these forums. I can tell that you cherish love. You love love. And that inspires me. A heart like yours isn't meant to be held back in the world. Just because one man didn't appreciate your heart, didn't respect your heart, doesn't mean that you can't still unleash it on the world. Interestingly enough, when I got herpes, I was on a SUPER HIGH of my life, too! I was reading Power of Now, getting totally inspired, overcoming my shyness in approaching women, loving myself and accepting myself more than I ever had before. Life was awesome. And it was at that peak that I got the news. I believe now, looking back on that timing, that it was perfect. From that time on, it started a process of introspection for me, of knowing myself on an even deeper level. And that beautiful process continues to this day. And my heart is bigger, deeper and more expansive than ever. I have learned to be with myself in ways that I don't think would have shown up if it weren't for getting herpes (I know, I know, sounds crazy, huh?) Also, consider this: You cannot have super highs without super lows. You can't have yin without yang. This isn't some cliché thing; this is a fact of the world. In this valley, if you fully explore it and live in it without numbing out to it, you can have access to that kind of peak, too. It's all one. And what about you? Where are you in all of this? You said "I feel like everything I've ever done in my life has been in preparation of finding that special someone to share love with. And now that everything has been for nothing." That floored me. Is your heart so big for others that you will only do for yourself in preparation for someone else's benefit? You ask about people who have REALLY gotten through and found peace from herpes? You're lookin' at him. ;) And everyone who has gone through the weekend seminar has — Check out what they say about it here: http://bit.ly/10yleq7 ... Because connecting to yourself on a deep level (which it sounds like you already have access to) has a magical way of bypassing any sort of anxiety around herpes. Let yourself have your feelings right now. Don't overanalyze it and try to figure out how to get past this. I get that you're super smart. And when it comes to feelings, you can't apply intellect to them to wash them away. It is what it is right now. And for whatever reason, it sounds like it feels heavy, ominous, sad. Let yourself feel those things fully. They are okay. You are okay. Your feelings and you deserve to be here. As @obladi_oblada said, those are your teachers now. When you are ready to be with someone else in relationship, you will know it. For now, be with yourself. I have no doubt that all of that beauty that you had found before will be found again. It is not gone. Just waiting to be uncovered again. And when you do, it will be beautiful. I promise.

Here's what I know about HPV: 80% of people will have gotten HPV at sometime in their lives by the time they're 50 years old. And it's a virus that clears on its own (90% of HPV is cleared by the body's immune system). What strain do you have? Certain strains cause actual genital warts while other strains can cause cancer, so you might have to go in to get more pap smears if you have the cancerous type. So hon, you're in the minority if you DON'T have HPV. ;) But do find out what strain(s) you have so you can take precautions if need be. Here are some good articles I found: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/07/hpv-facts-myths_n_2417371.html http://www.doctoroz.com/slideshow/hpv-facts-stats-and-your-risk# http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/hpv-genital-warts/hpv-virus-information-about-human-papillomavirus

I was able to recover these replies to your original posting: @Atlantic Amazing and inspirational, Obladi. You are a brilliant writer and this made my night. Thanks! @AbbeygaleMc Herpes didn’t start the feelings of not good enough… it just introduced myself to a world of baggage that used to be tucked neatly away. Wowza, hello baggage of realizations.

:( (Sorry about inadvertently deleting that post.) See you in July at the H Opp weekend!

I feel the need to explain since you're assuming that I'm identifying myself with herpes. ;) Initially, I tacked that to my name to let people know I was the guy who put this thing together. And I'd say the focus is less on the H and more on the Opp. ;) This community isn't ultimately about herpes (don't tell anyone that, though). It's about the opportunity of switching focus from herpes to who you truly are on a deeper level. Then herpes is relegated to the insignificant little itchy skin rash it actually is, stripped of its power. I'm sorry you allowed herpes to ruin your life. I feel really sad hearing that from you. And it's stories like yours that further inspire me to get the message out there: Breaking the myth that herpes has any sort of power to ruin anyone's life. Only we have that kind of power. Thanks for sharing yourself and for contributing your heart after everything you've been through. That's quite a life to live, and you inspire me that you want to help. It's especially those who have gone through hardships themselves who can truly understand the hardships of others. And through that, be able to really get the good stuff, too. :)

Welcome to the community, Bengee! And thanks for sharing your perspective. I love how you're on the other side of it, reaping the benefits of honesty and integrity. I imagine it wasn't always like that for you, though. What was it like when you first got herpes all those years ago?

I'm inspired to share this with you, my heartfelt community, because a huge part of my own personal healing has been to follow my passions, to connect with people in deeper ways, to express myself vulnerably and shamelessly. This dance represents those things and sharing it with our community is fitting. We filmed it yesterday afternoon at a friend's pond. Enjoy! ... and here's our previous dance together performed at Memorial Hall here in Chapel Hill:

Wow, a herpes diagnosis in French! That had to push your whole immersion experience a bit further than expected. ;) Thank you for reaching out here. There's a lot of support for you here regardless of the language (although I tend to understand English best). All kidding aside, I'm truly sorry you went through that. I imagine that felt pretty lonely ... Remember that even though you will have herpes for life, it doesn't mean you'll feel the same as you do right now for your whole life. ;) Change is the only constant. Your feelings about what having herpes means will change if you allow them to. Be open to healing and things will shift for the better. But that's the kicker to healing: In order to move on, we must fully feel what is right here in front of us, at our core. It is a practice to hold your own view of what herpes means to you, even amongst the societal stigma that seems to be surrounding us. We are the ones who get to dictate for ourselves what it means to us. No one else gets to tell me what my experience will feel like. I appreciate your waves of happiness and self-strength, and the other waves of sadness and loneliness, to ... All of these are meant to be and natural. There's nothing wrong with how you are feeling right now. Remember that. Love yourself through the feelings that you are feeling in this moment. That will allow yourself to heal.