mr_hopp

Hi KV63! Welcome to our community of healing. :) You know, the phrase that jumps out at me is "any advice on how I can close this chapter and heal and come to terms with what happened." You'll see a lot on this forum and the herpeslife.com blog the idea of the only way to heal is to go through whatever is right here in front of you. "Closing a chapter" has a sense of pushing away what is. Rejecting it. And that only has whatever needs to be experienced to be pushed down further. There is no closing of the chapter. It will close on its own when it's ready to close. That's the healing process. Let go of how it should be and allow it for what it is. Check out these blog articles: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages/ As far as your specific questions regarding herpes medication and herpes treatment, check out these blog articles for more on that: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-treatment http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication You're going to be okay. I promise. You will grow and heal and accept. Time, support and love from a community is what will help you through this. Have you considered coming to the weekend seminar? http://thehopp.com

Thanks for closing the loop, SunnyDays. Yes, HSV-1 is just as likely to show up genitally as orally, but it has to be passed there. It's hard to autoinoculate (spread herpes from your mouth to your genitals), so yes, either you got herpes passed to you in both places at the same time or someone you've been with got cold sores on his lips and went down on you. You know, 50% of new genital herpes cases are caused by oral sex, right? Classic example of the same exact virus having no shame when it's on the lips, but the second it goes down below the belt, the stigma seems to latch on. That's why we're all about spreading knowledge, acceptance and love here instead of ignorance, shame and stigma.

If it really was only in for a small time, you probably didn't pass herpes to him ... When no herpes outbreak is happening, there's only a 4% chance of passing it from female to male. But on the same token, you don't know what he had, either. Being safe goes both ways. We aren't the only contagious ones out there. ;)

I'm glad you're starting to accept your tears. But did you just judge yourself as silly for judging yourself about crying? :/ See how judgment can be a sneaky thing when it's become a pattern in how we treat ourselves? I see this all the time in my coaching clients. If we're not careful, we start judging ourselves for judging ourselves and a vicious unconscious cycle begins ... Notice the judgment, smile, then say something kind to yourself ("Wow, I just noticed myself judging me! Good job noticing, me!"). ;)

Hi Andrea! It was great to talk with you the other day. And wow, you've gone through a lot in your life, huh? Quite the warrior's journey as I see it. Proving to yourself that you're a survivor, someone who can overcome obstacle after obstacle. I'm proud of you and impressed that you have made it this far ... And beyond all the survival, I'm proud of you for getting back out there, for getting back on the horse. For knowing that you're lovable and being open to proving it to yourself as a FACT. ;) Sounds like having been careless in the past is leading you into more caring. Sounds like you're paying attention now ... And that's a gift. As we talked about over the phone, the worry about having this for life is a tricky fear to have ... Because it assumes that you will feel the same exact way about having herpes for the rest of your life as you do now. And that's simply not the case. Things change. Relationships change. Beliefs change. You have every ability to shift how you feel about having herpes as anything in your life. Nothing in life is unchangeable. Nothing. And herpes disclosure will come naturally to you once you allow space to accept yourself. From there, the herpes talk is a breeze. I hope you do end up coming to the Herpes Opportunity weekend. That's what it's all about: A visceral, community experience of deep, deep self-acceptance. We only have a couple of spots available, so let me know soon!

Z - As you've gathered by now, there is no skipping ahead. And that in itself is actually a great thing! That's the good news! It allows us to grow into who we truly are. I know that must sound crazy poetic and overly dramatic, especially considering that the topic here is a simple skin condition on our hoo-hahs. ;) But it's so true. The only way to get there is through. Embrace it.

Again, I'm less interested in the actual words you use and more interested in the FEELINGS you have as you're disclosing. Most of our communication is nonverbal. How we feel about ourselves and how we feel about having herpes is transmitted in the disclosure conversation more than the actual words are. And oh Zoriah, no no no, you don't make them feel bad about not wanting to deal. :) Their thoughts, feelings and reactions are theirs to have. Don't manage their experience at all. Don't you see that this is less about THEM and more about YOU? ;) Example: How would you react to a guy who was interested in you and A) was super negative about himself, wasn't confident at all, couldn't even make eye contact with you because he was so self-judgmental vs B) a guy who is clearly solid in who he is, is positive and clear and looks you right in the eyes with an unwavering gaze without an ounce of self-judgment. Which one would you be more drawn to? And if you were to reject both of them, how would guy B take it? I imagine he'd take it in stride; yes, he's disappointed, but you rejecting him isn't the end of his world. He knows he's enough. Your opinion of him doesn't change his own opinion of himself. Point is: Self-acceptance is sexy. And it's a better muscle to practice building than any words you'll ever use. And this isn't to say that it's all up to how you feel about yourself to determine 100% how the other person will react, but it does have a large part to play. And yes, maybe the other person, regardless of you, still believes all the herpes hype and is stigmatized. How to deal with that? The French said it best: C'est la vie. Move on. Live your life. There are plenty of guys who will see you and recognize you as someone they want to be with regardless of a little skin condition. Hence why I offered to help you out by doing a disclosure role play. My treat. It'll take about 20 minutes via Skype, and I'll give you straightup feedback throughout that will point to your growth edge.

I hear you. And I still have a feeling that there's something in the disclosure that holds the thread that will unravel this. Trust me on this one. It's in the disclosure where how we feel about ourselves is underlined. Because if you already feel good about yourself regardless of how someone else reacts, you will still feel good about yourself afterwards, too. That's why disclosure is such a lynchpin in all of this, it points where our growth points still are. It's a tool for self-understanding.

I'm sorry you're feeling all that. Fragile. Feeling unseen. I feel sad hearing that from you. The truth is, you're still just as beautiful as you've ever been, whether or not someone else sees it. I'm most curious about how the talk has felt from your perspective. Can you describe how the talk went, blow-by-blow? How did you feel about yourself as you were disclosing, how did they react, how did their reaction impact you, etc.? If you'd like, we can hop on Skype and do some practice disclosures. I'm like a heat-seeking missile when it comes to the disclosure talk. :) You'd be surprised where our own beliefs about ourselves come seeping out unconsciously in the disclosure conversation. It's an opportunity to accept yourself on a deeper level. I'd be happy to help.

:) I'm so happy hearing this, NotAlone. Thanks for checking back in with our community. I've been wondering how you've been doing. Here's to happiness!

Hi! And you're welcome! Always feels good to hear people sharing how this website and Opportunity movement is positively impacting people. And it's so BEAUTIFUL to hear you say that your partner is also your best friend. I love that. Congratulations on what sounds like quite a wonderful fit of two human beings. ;) To answer your questions, 15-20% of people who have HSV-2 never have any signs or symptoms. Ever. But that doesn't mean that their herpes isn't still contagious, thanks to viral shedding. Read these blog posts for more on those topics: http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/ http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ Starting on suppressive therapy will help a lot. It will lessen the viral shedding by 50-80% and lessen the chances of passing herpes to your partner by 50% (according to studies). How you have sex will determine the chances of spreading it or not. If you get friction involved vagina-to-vagina, there is a 10% chance of spreading herpes from your vagina to hers (5% if you're on suppressive therapy). Oral sex is absolutely fine and there is only a 1% chance of spreading it from vagina to mouth since HSV-2 overwhelmingly prefers the down-low environment. ;) Here's a blog article on that: http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex Read these handouts for a summary of all these statistics: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout Thanks for reaching out here and please let us know if you have any other questions! Knowledge is power AND an opportunity for true intimacy. Love shamelessly. :)

Bust out o' that glass case of emotion! (Plus, who uses phone booths anymore anyway? So old school.) ;)

Hi abbyroad. All is not lost. The reason you are freaking out about this RIGHT NOW is because you do indeed have integrity. This is a HUGE learning experience for you to realize that if your integrity is compromised, it lets you know about it. Big time. The only people who don't stress about stuff like this are the kind of people who don't have any integrity. "Fuck it" is the phrase that's used a lot. They have no more need to go down their path of morality. You do. And you messed up. How will you handle the situation from here on out? That's the important part. How will you make it right? How will you handle yourself in the future if something similar happens? I imagine this is a very big lesson that you will use for good. I can't offer you specific advice on whether to tell him or not. But your integrity will. Ask yourself that question. What do you feel that you want to do?

Hi starry_eyed! Sorry this message got buried before I was able to respond to it! From what I've heard, 4 months should be enough time for your body to develop the antibodies (if you do have herpes) so that there are enough that a blood test for herpes can detect them. I've heard the IgG test is the best, followed by the Western Blot. If you want a definitive test result, I'd go for one of those in my opinion. And it's really hit and miss when it comes to whether a doctor will give you a prescription simply by explaining your symptoms. I just read on someone else's post on these forums ... here's the link: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1065/suppressive-therapy-and-herpes-outbreaks/p1 ... that a doctor wouldn't give a prescription for herpes medication unless they were able to come in during an outbreak (even though the blood test showed they had herpes). I would call around to doctors to see. Apparently it's a case-by-case basis. I imagine that you would at least need proof that you indeed have herpes, either by swabbing an outbreak or a definitive blood test. But requiring both is outrageous. ;)

That's why I'm trying to get these handouts into as many people as possible, Renee! ;) http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout And I'm currently in talks with Planned Parenthood about going to clinics and training their staff in a workshop setting. If anyone has any connections and they'd like to get me connected to more folks, please send me a private message!

Thank you for sharing your story, Jessi! It was great to connect with you live via Skype the other day. I look forward to supporting you however I can to get your support group started. It inspires me to see others moving into support and love. Because the more we continue to move forward into allowing others to heal and come out from the shadows, the more our hearts grow bigger and our process of healing continues, too. It's a beautiful cycle. I can't wait to meet you in person at the H Opp weekend in July! http://thehopp.com

Oh zebrafish, I'm simultaneously glad you have such a supportive boyfriend AND I wish you wouldn't judge yourself like that, even in joking terms. Tears are cleansing and nourishing. Crying is natural. You're not a baby. You're a human being. We all cry. It's perfectly normal and healthy.

That's sad that pockets of our medical profession (I say pockets because it was easy for me to get suppressive therapy) make us jump through hoops like that. Adds insult to injury in my opinion ... But if their logic is that the only reason you'd be taking suppressive therapy is to avoid actual outbreaks, they're wrong. Taking suppressive therapy lessens the likelihood of spreading it to partners by 50%! It lessens asymptomatic viral shedding by anywhere between 50-80%! Tell them that and maybe they'll listen. And if not, call around to other doctors until they do. I'm sorry you're going through such a rigamarole around this. I wish there could be more understanding and acceptance of this across the board. And it's happening. Slowly but surely. Unfortunately it seems that we are the ones who are meant to educate our medical professionals.

Hey lovemyself (gosh, I love the namechange) & chase. Remember, herpes doesn't have to put you down. Ultimately, it's what you make it. It can be an opportunity (ring a bell?) ;) I wanted to jump in to make sure that wasn't said as absolute Truth. Because for many people, herpes hasn't put them down; it's actually been what had them look deeper into themselves that actually has them raise themselves up. Just a friendly reminder.

Make sure you read this article first before you go on daily suppressive therapy, Chase: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/

Wanting to die is basically saying that a virus is more powerful than you. And I'm just going to call that out for the bullshit it is (in the most loving, supportive, nurturing way possible). :) YOU are the captain of your ship! A simple virus (even through all the itching and annoyance) isn't going to take you out of commission! I promise you! It may FEEL like that right now, but the ironic part about feelings is that the more we are willing to actually feel, the more they are able to move and shift. And then the feelings of wanting to die transform into re-connecting to yourself: A beautiful, worth it human being. Get it? So love yourself. Don't kill yourself. It's just a virus with an unfair reputation.

The first thing I always say to people who are brand new is that you get to now start developing a healthier relationship to yourself. Maybe wanting to curl up and hide is what you need in order to heal. But make sure that the person you're left with (yourself) is treating you like the friend you deserve. This is a natural healing process. Allow it to happen and nourish yourself with what you need. And when you are ready to reach out, allow the people you love to support you. Reaching out here on our Herpes Opportunity forums is a HUGE part of the healing process. It takes you out of your own pain and gives it some breathing room, some opportunity to be seen and acknowledged. So congrats for caring enough about yourself to do this right now. There's so much love waiting for you. When you're ready to accept it. :) Much love and big hugs, Chase! Welcome to our positive little community! ;) And I look forward to meeting you at our weekend workshop in July. http://herpesopportunity.com

Yep, my past relationship of 3 years I didn't spread herpes to my partner. And we agreed to not use condoms, but I was on daily suppressive therapy.

Hey! You know, I can see how it might feel like that one sexual experience might be representative of how EVERY sexual experience might end up being for you from here on out. But do you also see how that's unfair to yourself to start thinking that way? And the more you believe that all experiences will be like that, the more likely they will be (self-fulfilling prophecy). Just like how most people who are hit with herpes believe that they will ALWAYS have the same relationship to having herpes as they do when they are first hit with the news: WRONG. ;) Things change. Beliefs and thought patterns change. It's up to you to help them shift in the positive direction, in the direction that most serves you in your happiness. Here's a question to pose just as a thought experiment: What if it's true that you were going to be alone for the rest of your life. (This is not to freak you out as if it's going to happen, just to really go there in your mind.) What's so bad about being alone? What are you most afraid of? What does that mean about you? When you can come to terms with the answers to these questions, you'll begin to heal those old woundings within yourself to have a whole relationship with someone else. I'm in that position right now after ending a relationship about a week ago. Going through all those thoughts of "Damn, I'm alone again." And then asking myself "What's so bad about that?" I'm taking this singlehood as a time to explore myself, to get to know myself, to "date myself" before jumping right into the next relationship. That's what feels good to me right now even as I also notice the desire in me to find that next person who is going to MAKE me happy. :) I get to find happiness in the fact that I'm simply alive and it's a beautiful day. The little things end up being the big things.

Nope, you don't get the dumb question award! (Sorry to let you down.) ;) Herpes outbreaks generally stay in the same general area. Spreading your outbreak area to another area (also called auto-inoculation) is generally hard to do since you have to actually get some of the liquid from inside the sore and then touch it to another break in your skin or a mucous membrane. Because once you have herpes, the body builds up enough antibodies to not allow it to spread all over you. Read these articles for more info: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/