mr_hopp

Bro! If you've read the e-book over and over, then you should know by now that it's less about practicing the way to do the talk right, but being authentic and true to yourself. ;) Feel what's true. Don't focus on the words. Focus on the feeling of connection you have with this woman. Less on getting it right. More on a vulnerable conversation. Why are you having the herpes talk in the first place? Because you care. Focus on that. Not the herpes. Regardless of the outcome, you're being true to yourself and showing your courage and character. And that's awesome. And I'm rootin' for you! ;) Big bro hug! Let us know how it goes!

This is the nature of relationship in general, bonafiderarity. When we are vulnerable and put our hearts out there, there is always a chance that our hearts can be held or hurt. This goes for whether you have herpes or not. We live in a vulnerable world. Stop putting yourself through the ringer on this one and you'll have much more calm in your life. It's not about doing the talk right or wrong, it's about being authentic and true to yourself and your integrity. The person who will reject herpes isn't for you. The person who sees through the herpes and into your heart is. And what you said at the end is the kicker: You had a lot of judgments about herpes before you got it, so you project onto every other eligible bachelor the same judgments. There are plenty of men who want to be with a quality woman. A skin condition won't stop that kind of relationship from happening. Trust me. Have you read the e-book yet? http://herpeslife.com/resources/ http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

Hey! No criticism here. Just curiosity. And wanting to support you in feeling better about your choices. Have you read the handouts and the e-book yet? Get on it! http://herpeslife.com/resources/ http://eepurl.com/b4IPP 1. Why aren't you disclosing to all sexual partners, not just the ones you want to be in a relationship with? Everyone deserves to know so they can make their own decision. And casual sex without the safer sex talk means putting yourself at risk for getting more STDs because you don't know what he has. Remember that. 2. 98% of oral herpes is caused by HSV-1. That means 2% is caused by HSV-2. So there's a possibility, but it's very low. Are you sure you don't have genital HSV-1? http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/ http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex/ And yes, blood tests (called the IgG test) will tell you which type you have, HSV-1 or HSV-2. That doctor is giving you the wrong information, unfortunately. http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-test/ 3. Herpes doesn't kill following passion and being independent. Your own beliefs about it do. I have been more passionate and independent since herpes than before. It hasn't stopped me from experiencing my sexuality fully and with integrity. And I know plenty of people who would say the same. Shift your perspective on this virus, get knowledgeable about it, and you may just shift the outcomes you're experiencing. Just because you don't want to be in a relationship doesn't mean you can't disclose and have understanding between two adults. 4. Blows me away how many people clearly no nothing about how herpes spreads if he said he "abreva-ed the shit out of it, so it won't spread." It doesn't work like that. Want to nip that in the bud just in case someone else reads that and gets a hair-brained idea that abreva-ing a cold sore makes it un-spreadable. Does this help?

Hey Harlow, the truth is that even with a condom there's a chance that he can get herpes (2% chance if you're not taking daily suppressive therapy). Read this handout for all the details: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout And this ultimately is a conversation around integrity and who you know yourself to be. How would you want someone to handle this with you if the roles were reversed? Wouldn't you want them to let you know even if there were a slight chance? Wouldn't that have you feeling taken care of and respected? (Even if it's not leading to a long-term relationship?) You're putting yourself at risk for getting whatever he may have, too, by not having the talk. Having the talk protects you just as much as him and it's working your muscle of integrity, honesty, respect. And I'm not judging you for this. When I first got herpes, I was petrified to have the talk and the first few times I had sex, I didn't tell her. But the guilt racked me, and I realized the alternative was better for myself and everyone else: For me to own up to my sexual responsibility. We all go through our own ways of coping, but take this as an opportunity to realize that having the courage to have the herpes talk has you making decisions in life that may be uncomfortable and difficult, but worth it. Here's a good discussion on these boards about herpes and casual sex: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex/p1

Sounds like this guy is uneducated about herpes, too. First off, here's a handout you should read about the risks of contracting it (short answer for females: 10% chance with no protection/meds, 5% with protection OR meds, 2.5% with protection AND meds) http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout Most people see signs or symptoms of herpes within the first weeks of exposure, but not all do. Some people get herpes and never have an outbreak (known as silent carriers). In order to get a conclusive blood test, enough antibodies have to build up in your blood, which could take up to 10 weeks. And yes, you should tell your next partner exactly what you know. Don't hold it back. Intimacy is about letting people in. Tell him that your last sexual partner had herpes and there's a chance you could have contracted it and that you won't know for sure until the 10 weeks are up and you get an IgG test. No need to further stigmatize the possibility of you having herpes and I think you should to be transparent around possibly being exposed to herpes.

That's so awesome to hear, Ashley! Let's connect over the phone/skype! I'll private message you.

Welcome to the site! Glad you're here and reaching out. Wow, sounds confusing getting all those different opinions! Back and forth, back and forth ... The medical community tends to be pretty confusing about this stuff. Ultimately it's not a big deal to most doctors because it's not life-threatening. They don't realize the impact the stigma is having on a positive herpes diagnosis. Also, it sounds like you're getting HSV and HPV confused. HPV is also known as genital warts. It's the one with over 100 strands, some cancer-causing, some wart-causing. HSV has 2 different kinds (HSV-1 and HSV-2): http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes/ Also, if the doctor looked at it and said it looks like herpes, it probably is. And blood tests (the IgG test is the best to detect herpes) can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to actually develop enough antibodies to give a positive test result. http://herpeslife.com/the-herpes-test/

I'd actually say that not only was it not horrible, but it was quite successful. ;) Give yourself credit where credit is due. I commend you on your courage. Nice job. :)

First off, here's my take on the whole "joining a herpes dating site" conversation (let's not treat ourselves like lepers, shall we?) ;) http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/ And ultimately it is hard for people to get inside other people's shoes (much less get inside their entire lives!) and support someone else. Especially with such a pervasive stigma, people who don't get that herpes is simply a blown-out-of-proportion skin condition will probably see supporting you as pitying you. I've gotten my fair share of people giving me sad puppy dog eyes when I say I have herpes. I normally turn around and playfully console them. "Hey, thanks for the pity, but I'm not dying over here. Chill." ;) Really, this entire Herpes Opportunity thing centers around you getting right with yourself. This includes when ignorant people (not ignorant meaning a judgment against them being stupid, but simply uninformed) jump on the stigma boat, that tends to trigger us if we're still in agreement that herpes is something to be stigmatized. But if we get beyond that, then we get to not have other people's reaction to us having herpes impact how we ultimately feel about ourselves. Capiche? ;)

Have you read the disclosure e-book? It will open your eyes to what this site is all about and put you on the road to getting why guys seem to all be running away ... and how to shift all that for yourself. Here's the link to download it: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP And if you would like private, one-on-one coaching from me, private message me and we'll talk.

I'm glad you're feeling all this so deeply. It means you actually give a shit. If you didn't care, then you wouldn't be feeling all of these feelings. Your depth of caring runs in tandem to how much of a reaction you have toward the things you've done. Don't let your mistakes be the reason you shame yourself and beat yourself up more; let your mistakes be wakeup calls to how you want to change your behaviors to more closely match you and your own values. I know I've messed up in the past. Whew, have I ever! ;) And it's what I've done with my mess-ups that have determined my character and how I've grown. When I ignore what my mistakes are there to teach me, I invariably repeat the mistakes until I learn. It sounds to me like there's a big opportunity for you to grow from this and make future decisions that will impact you and those around you in a more positive way. Don't let your mistakes continue because they happened. Let them shape you into who you already know yourself to be. Also, if you need a coaching session, private message me. You need a good ol' fashioned perspective shift to get you through this. Because this is certainly something I know you can get through. And as far as passing herpes to your children when you kiss them goodnight? Do your research on how to pass herpes. It doesn't spread like that unless you have active lesions. Be careful, but not paranoid. Knowledge is power. Lack of knowledge leads to paranoia. http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/resources/

What do you mean what kind of example have you set? What are you assuming that you are setting example-wise? It sounds like you're going along with the stigma? Maybe you're assuming you're setting an example of you being dirty or something? What part of the stigma are you owning as true when really it's just an unfair cultural story? It's up to you what you choose to take on as true for yourself, and therefore what example you set to your children. Remember, too, that it's how you respond to the situations in your life that sets the example, not that the situations themselves, right?

Wow, I'm honored that my words could have that impact on you. I'm curious: which episode are you referring to? http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/herpes-opportunity/id411233212

Well, the truth is that stat is totally correct: 80% of Americans aged 14-49 have oral HSV-1 living in their bodies. That means you're in the overwhelming majority. There was a great discussion around this on these forums a while back ... since the majority of people have oral cold sores, then where does the responsibility lie? With the 80% who have it or the 20% who don't want to get it? It's the hiding that makes it seem that nobody else has oral herpes. And outbreaks only happen every once in a while. And hey, read up on the basics of the virus, bro. Most of your fears are solved by reading up on how the virus actually is passed. You can't pass it except by skin-to-skin contact with the infected area on your lip. 9-18% of the time in between outbreaks is when the virus will be shedding on the lips. Here's a blog article on that: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

Hi evergreeen and welcome to the forums! Good to have you here. I feel your pain and your confusion with all this. Big hugs all around. The part that really impacted me is you wondering if you can be the same person now that you have herpes? What makes you think that you have changed as a person? And your question around when to have the herpes disclosure talk is discussed here and in a video I recorded. It's a happy medium, and best to be felt out in the moment as you're getting to know someone. There is no hard and fast answer to when to have the herpes talk. Trust your gut and your heart. They know best. ;) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk/ Have you downloaded the e-book and the 2 handouts yet? Those are chock-full of good stuff: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP (free e-book) http://herpeslife.com/resources/ (free handouts)

First off, thank you for sharing yourself so transparently here. That's a strength, a good quality for the disclosure conversation or any conversation. Secondly, how about just talking with him straightup like you just wrote to us? You found out when you found out and now you want to disclose to him. No shame in that. Think of this as less of a presentation and more of a conversation between two adults. If you set it up that way, then it takes the pressure off of it. Let him know what you want out of your relationship, too. And hey, no shame in loving sex. And there's more to it than just sex.

I use acyclovir. Where did you read that, RichardAnton? Can you post the link?

Oh, I LOVE that you posted here, froggygurl. Thank you so much for sharing this. Yes, this is the experience I've had out there in the wide, wide world. And to hear it from the other side is perfect and so validating. You're right. That's what this whole Herpes Opportunity is all about: Recognizing that regardless of whatever baggage you might bring to a relationship (for some, it's herpes, for others its any number of things), the important part is who you are on the inside. Everyone has imperfections. It's what makes us beautifully flawed human beings. ;) Big hug!

Hi stubborn, Be cautious, but not paranoid. I agree. Here's the rundown on how to actually spread herpes: http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/ If you're just cuddling, the chances are so slim that you'd pass herpes that way. Unless you're doing some rough cuddling. ;) Herpes is passed from active herpes virus on the surface of your skin (either viral shedding or a visible outbreak) that makes its way through an abrasion or mucous membrane on the other person. So unless your partner has a cut on their thigh and you actively rub the spot where you have outbreaks on it, herpes won't spread wings and fly over to your partner. It just won't happen like that. Also, download these handouts so you can be up on the facts and figures: http://herpeslife.com/resources/

Hey RichardAnton! Welcome to the site. Well, congratulations for the most random question asked on this site. ;) I don't know about weed's interaction specifically with herpes (plus it's illegal, bro, tsk, tsk). What I do know is that if you do anything that negatively impacts your health, that lowers your immune system and allows herpes to have more of a chance of coming to the surface. So hey, take care of your body. Don't pollute it with smoke and tar. That can't be helping, that's for sure.

Hi Max, You won't know for sure if the bumps on your bikini line are herpes unless you get them swabbed and cultured at the clinic. And no, it's not spreading unless you somehow spread the liquid within one of your mouth blisters and then rubbed it down at your bikini line (and why would you want to do that, right?). If you do have genital herpes, then you probably got it from someone else who has outbreaks around that same area on their body. The fact that you might be having simultaneous outbreaks on your lip and your genitals doesn't mean it's spreading. It just means the outbreaks are happening at the same time. By the way, you don't have to use latex gloves when you wash. You aren't a crime scene. ;) Be careful but not paranoid! But I remember those days assuming that I was so contagious that even if I breathed I'd spread herpes to every part of my body and everyone else's, too! Just so you know, soap kills the virus on contact. So if you do happen to touch a herpes blister, just wash your hand afterwards with soap before you touch anywhere else. It's actually very hard to auto-inoculate (pass herpes from one part of your body to another). You have to try pretty hard to be successful at it. :) You are not a walking disease factory. Know that, okay? And your body is now in a process of building up antibodies for herpes. Take care of your body other than just taking meds, too. That will help. Exercise. Eat well. Think positive thoughts. Be holistically healthy. Love yourself. ;) Big hugs!

Herpes is simply not a big enough health concern for our government to invest money into finding a cure. And the pharmaceutical companies out there are already making so much money that a cure would wipe out a lot of their profits. Who knows if there's a conspiracy going on or if it's just not a big enough deal, but either way, I don't see this happening any time soon. Why I say this is not to dash anyone's dreams, but to be realistic about what the herpes cure actually is: To rid ourselves of whatever sexual shame we carry in ourselves. And live our lives fully. And love fully.

Have you downloaded the free e-book on this site? Look in the right sidebar for that. It goes into all the details you need and it's a quick read. I'm proud of you for being considerate of this new guy, even amidst the fear of disclosing. And check out these handouts, too. They answer a lot of the kinds of questions that are probably swimming around in your head. Please let us know if you have anything else that comes up around this. http://herpeslife.com/resources/

By the way, here's a great handout for you to read over to keep your partner safe! http://herpeslife.com/resources/

I'm so glad you recognize that, Vanessa! (Now that means you can do something about it.) Let's start brainstorming on what that might look like. ;) What would showing yourself that love and support look like to you? Give us 15 things you could do today for some good old-fashioned self-love. (I'm excited to hear!)