mr_hopp

Hey VirgoGirl! Yep, I have had a project in the works (so many projects, so little time!) that would work with that concept exactly. It basically has everyone line up side by side virtually and all at the same moment, take a step across the line to show yourself. :) Shame can only exist in the shadows. When enough people come out of the closet, then all the power shame once had is deflated. It takes enough people to really trust that it's not as a big enough deal to hide about.

I'm so proud of you Marie! I love hearing all the excitement and enthusiasm! You did great! (Aside from assuring him that you'd totally understand if he ran for the hills, but that's another story and just plain nit-picky.) ;) The point is, you proved to yourself that the right kind of guy will not care about some simple STD. Herpes is only the ultimate barrier to love if you let it be. Way to follow through on your integrity and really show your true colors, Marie. Nicely done. Now soak it all up! Enjoy! :)

Hey Cesar and welcome. So which strain do you have? I'm imagining oral HSV-1? And do you see what you did there? You are already making up that we think you're not a good person. See how unfair that is to assume that we'd think that about you? Why do you think we already see you that way? It intrigues me to find out how you see your world. REQUEST: Can you post your story on the main discussion boards so we can all jump in here and support you with this? We might be able to help you see that more people might actually be waiting to love you than to judge you. I'd like to support you in that.

P.S. I just changed your name to TheFoundOne (formerly TheLostOne). Much more fitting. I like it. :)

Hey all! It feels so good to get everyone's support on here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Beautiful cycle of love and support we got goin' on here in our community. I'm sorry I haven't been on this forum as much as I have been. I've been putting my all into creating and enrolling this upcoming Herpes Opportunity seminar at the end of the month (who would have thought putting a seminar together would take so much energy?). ;) So excited to bring this to our near-capacity group of participants! FYI, I put up the rest of my video diaries on the original page if you're interested in seeing them: http://herpeslife.com/watch-my-herpes-video-diary/

Coincidence that you and SingBlueSilver posted the same topic at exactly the same time? http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/288/posted-on-fb-i-have-a-cold-sore/p1 :) Seems like there's an opportunity here for you to do SOMETHING. I've always felt for myself that moments like this of an intense charge hold something for me. Whether it's posting the actual message on Facebook where it makes it clear you have it OR taking it as an opportunity to educate people about herpes without explicitly calling yourself out OR if it means sending him a private message or a heart-to-heart phone call. There seems to be something rich to explore here. I trust you to make your own decision on what feels right to you. Whatever it is, follow your gut/heart with it.

Why do you think I started this Herpes Opportunity thing, sista? ;) We're all getting on the same page about this as a herpes population. There is an blatant disparity that cold sores carry no shame and genital herpes somehow fall into an entirely separate shame-filled category. Definitely blows my mind. And shifting the stigma/shame is not going to be accomplished by being angry about other people not getting it (trust me, not judging you for it, just recognizing all the anger I've had around it before) ... It will be accomplished by each of us simultaneously having compassion for the ignorance out there that herpes is some horrible monster AND that in reality it's just a minor skin condition. And whenever we do speak about it to others, it shows up as just what it is, without being wrapped in all that stigma and shame. And that's what we're all moving toward in this movement. You are speaking to the herpes opportunity manifesto. That there's no good reason to hide in the shadows because of a simple little annoying virus. That we are holding ourselves back from who we truly are if we think a virus changes any of that. Shame-free STDs in general is the next big movement in wiping shame off the map as far as I'm concerned. I'm glad you're taking a stand with me, SingBlueSilver. ;)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your horses now! I know the feeling of freaking out about this and let me tell you, this is not something to put so much power into. Whether you stay with this guy or tell another man, it's not the end of the world. Don't automatically assume that if you tell someone else you have herpes that you will be rejected. That sets up a pretty powerful self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you read the e-book yet? That will give you a good idea of the kind of positive perspective shift we're talking about here at the Herpes Opportunity. Here's the link to that: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP And yes, exactly. Herpes isn't horrible. So how do we change the stigma if not to learn to fully accept ourselves regardless of what we happen to have? This is your opportunity to get that you're perfectly lovable and acceptable as you are. Hear me? Perfectly. Totally. Whole. NOT undesirable. NOT alone. And listen closely: Even though you are going through this right now, and it seems like the end of the world, don't assume that since herpes is for life that these feelings are for life. When you shift your relationship to your own beliefs about yourself and herpes, you shift your experience of your life, too. That's what the opportunity is all about. Pain and sadness isn't forever. It's only what you're experiencing right now. Trust me. Allow yourself to be sad if that's what's true for you. But don't beat yourself up. Don't punish yourself. Or else you'll have to answer to me. ;) Much love!

Hey kcgal, Welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear that you're sad. And I'm glad you're reaching out about this. It's common for people to freak out about herpes out of ignorance. It seems like a pretty scary monster if all they know about it are those beautiful pictures from google images. And the vast majority of people who have had herpes know that those horror stories and horrible pictures don't accurately represent their experience of herpes ... not in the slightest. Question: Were you using protection with him before you got your test results? If not, then he could have been the one to give you herpes. That's the thing in today's culture where we aren't getting test results before becoming intimate with someone. And that's the sneaky thing about herpes: There's not an easy way to find out who gave you herpes unless you've only been with one person. And if you know for sure he doesn't have herpes, then if he's really actually scared after knowing that there is only a small possibility of getting herpes, then that's his prerogative. Unfortunately, we can't force people to want to take the chance with us. All we can do is be the best person we can be, give them the best and most accurate information and they make the choice themselves. If you two decide to go your separate ways, know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. It's not the end of the world. And it's okay to be sad about that, too. Much love, kcgal. You'll get through this — either way it goes — just fine. I promise.

It sounds like he's trying to drag you into his neurosis/stigma/shame ... What a guy! And if he does post to Facebook, that shows a whole lot more about the kind of person he is than anything about you. And yes, for the people who read it and don't know you AND believe the hype of the stigma AND don't make their own minds up about others, their opinion of you might change. But for all of those people whose opinion isn't swayed by another person, those people who truly KNOW who you are (not some simple label of "some woman with herpes"), their opinion of you won't be swayed in the slightest. It's a rough thing to happen if you're not ready to be "outed," but it may be a blessing in disguise, to let all those people who you don't want in your life anyway fall away, so the people who are open-minded and know that herpes or another person's opinion can't change who you are will stick around and still love you. And FYI, I "came out of the herpes closet" on facebook a while ago by my friend posting something about me (not maliciously). It was actually tremendously freeing, as if a weight had lifted from my shoulders. Here's the post on that: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/215/ive-been-lying-to-you-do-you-forgive-me/p1 You know, this also reminds me of a recent post here where I tell the story of the guy who was outed live at his high school reunion: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/240/certain-things-trigger-herpes-depression-and-worthlessness/p1

Hey Jamaica, It was good to connect with you on the phone the other night. I feel sad hearing what you've gone through. And sometimes being honest has unintended consequences. And learning to embrace even those is part of my personal practice now. In my experience of life, everything really DOES happen for a reason. Whether or not that's actually true doesn't matter, because if I live by that being true for me, a whole lot of other stuff falls away. The stuff I can't control falls away. If someone doesn't want me, that's meant to be. It doesn't mean it won't hurt, but for whatever reason, it's meant to be. And here's the kicker: If we disclose to someone else SO THAT they will see our integrity and then accept us, then it feels a little manipulative to me. I know I've felt that before in me being vulnerable and expecting something out of it. Expecting that the other person will be vulnerable with me. Expecting they will see my vulnerability, appreciate it, validate it. And this doesn't just apply to disclosing about herpes, but in being vulnerable in general. So, we disclose because we have integrity. Period. Then what they do with that vulnerability is their decision. That's the part we can't control. But if we disclose in order to get something out of the interaction, then it's not true integrity, at least not how I see it. We practice integrity for integrity's sake. That's what I'm shooting for personally, at least. ;) What's your take on that, Jamaica?

Hey Kath, Yeah, it's interesting when that happens. That's a classic example of someone projecting all of their stuff onto you without even getting your experience at all. I haven't gotten that kind of projecting with herpes that much, but I have been getting it recently with my girlfriend and me breaking up. Without knowing any details of the situation (that we're actually better friends than ever, and are truly supporting each other and closer than ever), people project all sorts of horrible "breakup" scenarios onto me: "Oh, that's so rough. I'm so sorry to hear that. You must be so sad." It's amazing what can happen instead of projecting onto someone else our own stuff, we simply ask, "How is that for you?" A great reminder for me, too.

See, this is the perfect example of this support coming full circle. The excitement of being able to help someone else go through the (successful) path you just walked through ... that's beautiful. Congratulations, Revenant, and looking forward to your helping others see the positive path. :)

Hey Lisa! I'd love to hear your take on it, too. Always good to get a full understanding of the world of dating. And I get that if enough people reject us because of having herpes that it might feel like it means that we're not enough and turn to just dating in the herpes community. And in the same breath, rejection is a part of life. We're going to get rejected for all kinds of things in life: jobs, relationships, friends, winning the lottery ... So yes, there's the reality of if we put ourselves out there in the dating world at large, we will be facing more possibilities for rejection while we also open ourselves up to more possibility of finding the right match for us. It's a personal decision to make, for sure. My main point in saying all of this about dating is to bring it out in the light that we might be holding ourselves back because of fear of rejection. And rejection won't ever explicitly feel GOOD. But it's also a part of life. And it doesn't inherently mean anything about who we know ourselves to be.

Sounds like you're already putting a negative spin on having to "deal" with being in that kind of relationship with a herpes negative partner. When your partner accepts you for all you are and have, and you accept her for all she is and has, both partners take equal responsibility for staying safe AND having fun! And using condoms may be something that both of you decide not to do. My last girlfriend and I decided not to use them while I took suppressive therapy and paid attention to those prodrome sensations that would signal a herpes outbreak coming on. In our 3.5 years together, she never got herpes. And not using condoms was a decision both of us made together, in relationship. And when you find someone and get into a relationship, both of you can decide on what you want to do about that, too. Do yourself a favor and don't expect what both you and your future partner will work out between each other. That can only happen once that woman actually exists in the flesh! ;) Keep in mind that when both people decide to commit to a relationship of any sort, each partner is taking a risk in putting themselves out there. And it's not just a risk about herpes. You're opening yourself up to your partner's beliefs and attitudes and a whole lot more. Being in relationship means being vulnerable. And in being vulnerable, there can be pain AND just as much beauty, if not more. So if you're going to focus on something about when you do get into a relationship, focus on how much you will love this person. In loving them, you will naturally keep them as safe as you possibly can. It's not about being paranoid about keeping them safe; it's about lovingly keeping them safe and enjoying them. If you love someone, everything else that you're worrying about right now naturally happens. Worrying about the future won't make it better, bro. And I'm saying that just as much to me as I am to you. ;) Celebrating what is and looking forward to what will be is at least what I'm practicing in my life. Want to practice with me? :)

Hey Tankgirl, First, I want to normalize feeling suicidal. AND I don't want to take that lightly. Please call me ASAP if you EVER are thinking of doing anything to yourself. I'll private message you my direct cell phone number. It's just not worth it. It never is. Life is filled with things we could choose to be suicidal about. And living life is filled with just as much beauty as pain. Without the pain, we can't truly feel the beauty. It's so true. Please don't kill yourself. It'll be taking away a beautiful, unique human being off this earth for no good reason at all. Now that that's said, know that feeling all these feelings is a part of your healing process. Yes, your life changed when you got herpes. But it hasn't changed for the worst. It's just going to be different. Even if you and your boyfriend end up splitting up, you will be perfectly okay. Just like most things in life, it's all in how you relate to it. If you believe it's horrible, then it will be horrible. If you believe it's just a simple skin condition that you deal with every now and again, that's all it will be, too. Your beliefs can create self-fulfilling prophecies. What kind of beliefs do you have about yourself now that aren't helping you at all? You will feel happy again once you accept life for what it is instead of what it SHOULD be. A lot of suffering is expecting life to be something that it isn't right now. The more we can sink into what is, the more beautiful life becomes. I promise you that.

This thread is what the Herpes Opportunity is heading toward. Coming out of the herpes closet and stopping shaming/segregating/hiding ourselves — effectively realizing collectively that there's no reason to hide as if we're lepers. This is the way to end the stigma. The stigma definitely won't end with us being angry about "those ignorant people" who are stigmatized and suckered in by the shame (I was one of those ignorant people before I got herpes); the way to end stigma is for us to drop the shame within ourselves and spread what is true. (And by the way, I have some strategic partnerships in the works to take this message to a larger audience. Glad to hear that there are other fellow peers who would like to help out in that movement.) ;) This whole movement isn't just about herpes. The larger context is about dropping shame as a whole from our world. Shame is the #1 disconnector of humanity. It's what has us believe that we have something that if others knew that we'd be undeserving of connection and love. Once we drop shame and reveal our own vulnerability of who we are, the shame can't exist. That's the movement. This is not about being proud of having herpes, it's about being proud of who we are, regardless of what we have. That's my herpes opportunity stump speech. :)

Kath_R and GreenEyes, I hear you about dating within the herpes community. And I'm perfectly fine with that ... but it's when we SEGREGATE ourselves to only that community for the rest of our lives as if we're some sort of leper ... that's when I start getting protective of my fellow H-ers. Ultimately, going out and dating within the herpes community can be part of the healing process, to stay in the comfort zone of dating within your group. But ultimately, that's cutting you off from 84% of Americans who DON'T have herpes. And plenty of people who don't have herpes would happily date someone with herpes if it means being with an awesome person. In a way, dating only within the herpes community is pre-rejecting yourself from all of those people who don't have herpes.

Hey cacciato! I saw you signed up for the seminar. Awesome. Looking forward to meeting you in person, bro. And I hear you about the really fucking annoying skin condition (consider your french pardoned). And perhaps it's more fucking annoying in our heads than the physical manifestation of the virus. And if that's the case, then that means that if we change our mental perspective on it, we'll change our relationship to it. Understand that healing from this means changing your own stigma about herpes. Some people will reject herpes. Others will accept it wholeheartedly. Know that it will be a process of learning to love yourself first (I know, I know, sounds hokey). And it's true that every time someone who we're interested in turns us down that we can take it personally and have it affect our own opinion of ourselves OR just take that as part of the dating world. People go through this with herpes or not. Have you read the e-book yet? Good perspective-shifting stuff in there. Looking forward to seeing you at the end of this month! You'll be a part of something awesome. :)

And about your question about increasing the daily dose, I wouldn't do anything your doctor doesn't explicitly suggest. 400mg 2x daily is the dose I've always heard for acyclovir. I wouldn't mess with that unless your doc says so. I know you're on a tear to make sure you can be as far from this as possible, and also understand that this is what you have and it's only as bad as you make it. Trust me on that one. Most of the people who have had herpes for years say it's not a big deal at all on the physical side of things. Your immune system takes care of most of it.

Hey Notsoluckyjim ... I hear you, brotha. Much love comin' at you. Just remember that you are only alone as you want to be. And reaching out here is a great step in proving that you're not alone. And I love what Lelani said. It may be the end of your world as you KNEW it. That's a great way to put it. I know that what my world used to be isn't what I wanted ultimately. It was just something I wasn't ready to change on my own. It took me getting herpes to shift my world around to find that I have integrity and love to give. It was my opportunity to shift all those self-defeating bullshit thoughts that I was choosing to believe about myself and whether I was worthy of love (or life, for that matter). So thank you for reaching out here, bro. You are worthy. And maybe it will take quitting your job and going off alone for a bit. But if you do decide to do that, make sure it is in your best interest to do so. In other words, if you do quit your job, you are doing it to take care of yourself instead of just trying to run away from reality. I trust you to make the right decision on that. And yes, come to the Herpes Opportunity Weekend Seminar at the end of this month. It will help you shift all that stuff in one weekend. With a lot of awesome people to support you in that. Let me know if you'd like to talk with me about any of it ...

I hear you, justbreathe. And I feel your sadness, your loneliness. I hear your "what ifs" echoing in your head way over here. ;) And I hear how healing it is for you to actually reach out here. And how rare it seems to be to allow yourself to reach out, to ask for help. I appreciate a person like you who can support others when they need a good laugh and encouragement and then be able to ask for the same in turn. And for the record, I don't think your story is depressing. It sounds like what I call life. Life happens. And challenges happen. Your story sounds like many people's story on here. (I say this not to minimize the feelings that your story evokes in you, but to normalize it to be reality instead of some horrible fiction.) Name one person who hasn't had challenges in their life and I'll be blown away. And I'll give you a $50 prize pack to boot. ;) These just happen to be your challenges. How are you relating to yourself when you consider your story? That's what's important. If you keep saying your story is depressing, then you'll be depressed. If you pity yourself, then that feels like shit; it perpetuates the cycle, the downward spiral. And yes, we all get sad. But there's a big difference between being depressed and being sad. Being sad is natural, healing. It's the yin to happiness' yang. You can't have happy without sad. But being depressed is when sadness mixes in with self-defeating voices in your head, convincing you of all kinds of bullshit that simply isn't true. Keep your eye on that for yourself and be your own best friend, especially when you need it most. Will you be coming to the herpes opportunity weekend seminar at the end of the month? Sounds like it'd be a great opportunity for you to shift all these self-defeating thoughts around. I'd love to talk with you about coming if you're up for it.

I hear the frustration and the pain. Sounds like working hard is both a great outlet for you and a great way to numb out, too. And I hear that you're lonely. I understand wanting a simple cuddle every now and again. That beloved flood of oxytocin. It's only human. And wanting that is beautiful and natural. And I can get how not getting that is painful. And the fear that this is it? Sometimes we get to keep soldiering on toward what we know we want and deserve. It's not always easy, but getting what we really want rarely is. It takes persistence. It takes holding the focus. It takes falling and getting back up. I feel for you, BetterInTime. And I'm right there with you. I am just recently single. I get that old familiar voice in my head asking if I'll get the kind of love I want, the kind of love I deserve. And I want to continue to remind myself (and maybe remind you) that this is all part of the process ... What is here that I can appreciate? What is here that I can revel in? There's beauty everywhere. Even in loneliness. You know, the distinction between loneliness and aloneness is a profound one: Loneliness is where I am not connected to anyone, including myself; aloneness is where I am still deeply connected with myself. (If you want an amazing book to shake up your perspective on all this, read "Love, Freedom, Aloneness" by Osho. Beautiful.) In those times of loneliness, I tend to vacate myself and escape into doing whatever activities take me away from feeling, so I can avoid feeling like nobody cares about me. I tend to judge myself in this space, perpetuating the pain of being alone. Then I realize, "Hey, I care about me! Buck up, soldier!" ;) May sound corny, but it helps to hear that. Sometimes it just helps to shake things up and get playful. Then I might take myself out on a solo date to reconnect with myself and enjoy myself. And hey, you may already do all of this, so this may be a moot point, but just was inspired to share with you that I feel with you right now. Much love, BetterInTime. And here's to beautiful Aloneness. :) And eventually, beautiful togetherness.

Yeah, sorry about the popup annoyance. I just can't figure out how to fix it. Thanks for soldiering on, despite the annoyance! (Sound familiar?) ;)

Dude, mikey! I'm simultaneously flabbergasted and inspired by your commitment to disclosure and getting to know this little virus. And yes, you've stumbled upon the strange conundrum of our beloved herpes virus: Depending on where it's located on your body, one place has zero stigma (unless you decide you want to serve it up for yourself) and the other place "down under" has quite a bit. And yes, 80% of Americans have oral herpes. There was a great discussion on these boards a while back about whether people with oral herpes should disclose or not. Ultimately, I would love to open that discussion back up again: If 80% of a population has something, then doesn't it fall on the 20% who DOESN'T have it to reverse disclose (which might sound something like, "Hey, do you get cold sores? Because I'm the extreme minority who doesn't have it [yet] and I'd rather not get it.") Mikey, my suggestion? Don't sweat it, bro. I know it might seem like a big deal sitting there on your lip for the world to see, but as far as society is concerned, it's nothing. If you catch someone looking, play along, laugh, point to it and say, "I know, it's a doozy of a cold sore, ain't it?" If you want to live like a hermit, realize it's you creating that for yourself, not the herpes. ;) (Now if only we can get oral herpes' clear lack of stigma to spread — pun intended — to the one that pops up down there, we'll be golden.)