mr_hopp

There are many hundreds of members signed up, but at any given time as you can imagine the amount of active members vary. People flow in, flow out, flow in again ... The ebb and flow of the forum. :) I love what you have to say about the desire to control life when we can't. Reminds me of the quote "If this, then what?" The "if this" part is the part we don't have control over. The "then what" is the part we do. I'm glad our community is helping you. I'm also glad you're participating. There's something about speaking it all out in a supportive environment that is tremendously healing. Much love!

;) Preach it, sista! I'm focused on being happy in general. And certain foods contribute to that happiness. Bring 'em on. I want to believe that's healthier for me than stressing over which foods I can and can't eat.

I get it. I understand how you could feel paranoid. But I'm offering that paranoia doesn't help anyone. Cautiousness helps. Knowledge helps. Getting to know your body helps. Caring about your partner helps. In my experience, intimacy can't exist in paranoia. You're still in the beginning stages of understanding this virus, so I understand the wash of emotions and feelings. As you understand herpes more and more and how it interacts with your body, you will be able to protect your partners by having that understanding of yourself. That understanding that your other partner didn't have. Read those handouts and let me know what you think! I tried to make them as simple to follow as possible and condense as much need-to-know information as possible into them.

Fascinating! See, I knew herpes wasn't all bad. ;) It can actually save lives in a different context. Good to see you pop in again, Carlos! I hope you're doing great, bro.

Hey JC, I don't get rashes either, but I imagine this is part of your prodrome symptoms. Are your rashes accompanied by a herpes outbreak or not? If not, then this may be a prodrome symptom to a viral shedding occurrence.

I'm with Atlantic. When I first got herpes, I was gung-ho about avoiding ALL foods with any arginine in them and devouring ALL food high in lysine. Then I realized I was just going too overboard. I realized that by me following this diet so strictly, herpes was seemingly holding me hostage, not allowing me to have the foods that I genuinely felt my body wanted (Peanut butter? Chocolate? Really?) I decided I would just eat an overall much healthier diet in general. And it's probably a mixture of eating this healthy diet, but also higher levels of antibodies over time and all this positive thinking and livin' that's holding back outbreaks (I get 1-2 outbreaks per year). Whatever the reason is, it couldn't hurt to live a more healthy lifestyle overall. I'd much rather that than limit my diet based on lysine and arginine. I like to look at this in a more holistic way.

First off: Wow. This is how religion has the potential to create more shame than compassion in people. Please don't go overboard into overthinking this one. If there is a God, I promise you that s/he loves you regardless of what you do. It's you who get to judge yourself or forgive yourself. Getting herpes could possibly be a gift for you to get something deeper about yourself. If that were so, what would that gift be for you that you get to recognize about you? “The next time you face something that’s unexpected, unwanted, and uncertain, consider that it just may be a gift.” — Stacey Kramer

First off, of COURSE you're still able to have sex. Not only that, please do have sex! Don't let having herpes make you paranoid about having sex. You're clearly a man who cares about protecting your beautiful partner. Being cautious doesn't mean being paranoid. And about the questions you have, the handouts on this page will help answer all of those and more for you: http://herpeslife.com/resources/ Thank you for asking and educating yourself. A lot of the stigma comes from ignorance and fear. And please stop using terms like "infecting" ... it makes it sounds like this is some horrible disease. ;) It's a skin rash with a bad rap. Nothing more. And it's still something that is important we try not to spread. But again, nothing worth being paranoid about and assuming the worst like not having sex anymore. Relationships are risky no matter if you have an STD or not. It's a risk to love and it's a risk to have herpes. It's a beautiful risk all around. And it sounds like both of you are willing to take that risk with each other. How beautiful. :)

First word of the day, Ms. Butterfly: Patience. ;) Secondly, can you go to your doctor or local clinic to get the spots swabbed? That's going to be the only way to know definitively whether it's a herpes outbreak or not.

I honor that you're feeling that right now. And if that's your truth, then that's totally acceptable. You get to live your life your way, after all. And I just want to check in your martyrdom if you are considering the kind of person who wouldn't have herpes but would want to take a risk of getting it to be able to love you and be in relationship with you. In effect, when we close ourselves off to non-herpes population, we are pre-rejecting ourselves (taking the decision away) from those people. I'd be pretty perturbed if my soulmate pre-rejected herself like that and didn't even let me meet her and make the decision myself! ;) Everyone gets to make a decision on how they live their lives and what risks they're willing to take and not to take. Part of that is our decision and part of it is theirs. That's what relationship is all about. So just keep an eye on whose decision you're making and why. That's all I ask. And I'll support you either way. Just wanting to be sure you understand your options and motivations behind them. :)

I absolutely LOVE what you said, jumplejump. Nicely put. I always say that a great barometer to see if you're ready for the talk yet is if you feel that you trust this person with something vulnerable. Because disclosure is vulnerable. You're risking something in disclosing. It takes integrity and humility to disclose. And sex is vulnerable, too. Vulnerability = intimacy. Yet so many of us (myself included) seem to want to skip that emotional vulnerability and head straight for the physical vulnerability. Having herpes has us slow this process down and really consider it in a deeper way.

Yeah, I don't blame you for being a bit perturbed! A lot of tests! ;) And I hear the bit of sarcasm in your list of what you're grateful for. In those, you're still assuming that how you feel about herpes now is how you will always feel about herpes. It's only a dealbreaker if you convince yourself it is. Over the long term many people will tell you that it has no negative impact on their intimate lives. And I say this with all sincerity from my personal experience: I have had more intimate, beautiful, passionate relationships since having herpes than before having herpes. Maybe it's that I have grown in life in general, but I believe a lot of this beautiful intimacy is because there is more depth, trust and authenticity in my relationships than ever before due to the vulnerability of having the herpes talk and really, deeply caring about my partners. I promise you it will get better. Just keep loving yourself and keep the possibility wide open that others will love you, too. Because they will if you make yourself available to it.

Yep, I get it. You have a pretty impressive list of reasons why you should be in the dumps right now. And what if you convince us that you should be sad based on everything that is going on in your life? What if we all agree with you that your life is the way that you see it? I'm also curious, amidst this list of stuff you're suffering about. What about the things you're grateful for? Also, it doesn't always have to feel great to be alive, too. This isn't about forcing a smile onto your face when what you really feel is sadness. It's about allowing yourself to authentically feel what is true. And what is true for you can shift based on what you put your focus into. See both sides of that? That is what being alive truly is. Only by truly experiencing our lives as they are can we fully live life. And it's hard to hear this when what you are feeling is disconnected and shut down and spiteful (I imagine you feeling all these things) when all of those things are what you don't want. And again, my heart goes out to you still. Here's to you finding the beauty even in the darkness. Have you heard the metaphor how when photographs were developed on film that the only way that the richness of color came into the photographs was by sitting in the darkness. That's where all the color comes from. Love yourself. Even in the darkness. This may be your biggest test yet. And remember. It's only a test. ;)

I remember this internal battle in myself. I actually started of suicidal when I got herpes. Wow. (Can you believe that?) Looking back on this time for me has me realizing how entrenched I was in stigma and bullshit thinking. I have so much compassion for that sad person I once was. And my heart goes out to you in your internal struggle. It sounds exhausting. And I feel like I can relate. My heart aches in a beautiful way when I read "The only thing I've ever wanted, the only thing I've ever really sought after, was love." And then my immediate curiosity is to know what you love about yourself? Could you take this time to fall in love with yourself? To be that same friend it sounds like you have been for everyone else in your life? What would it be like for you to shine that kind of compassion and joy onto yourself? It sounds like you already know all of this, but I wonder if hearing it from me will help to really grind it in deeper? ;) Love yourself. Accept yourself. Right now. As you are. Forgive yourself for your choices. Our choices and how we handle what come out of our choices is what makes us into the person we are. It's not about conquering your own thoughts. It's about making an active decision that whenever those thoughts come up and you find yourself entrenched in that bullshit "I'm not enough/I'm dirty/I deserve to be sad/I'll never find anyone to love me" paradigm, you decide in that moment to forgive yourself again, to accept yourself. Enough shaming. Enough beating yourself up. It'll take something for you to love yourself. You've worked the not loving yourself muscle for long enough, sista. ;) It's time to start working the muscle that will have you feeling grateful and alive again. Because you are alive. And that's the awesome part. Welcome to the community, Paradise_Lost. Much love and big hugs. Keep reaching out if you need to. We're here for you.

Hey Lifechange! Here are a few blog posts that speak to exactly what you're asking about. The barometer for when to have the herpes talk is the level of trust you feel for this person plus the level of attraction. That's the sweet spot. You're entrusting them with a vulnerable piece of information. And giving them a chance to actually get to know you before getting to know herpes is always a good way to go about it. ;) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk/ http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

Being a martyr doesn't help anyone. And sacrificing yourself is actually killing yourself little by little. Sacrifice sounds so noble in our culture, but truly sacrificing ourselves means we're not actually allowing ourselves to live. When we come from loving ourselves first then love others, that's a whole new level of deep love.

Also, check out this thread I just posted. These handouts will be super helpful to you: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/686/post-diagnosis-handout-post-disclosure-handout/p1

Hey you awesome community! There's been a lot of talk on here about herpes stats and questions about herpes transmission and what to share during the herpes talk. So, I've been hard at work compiling and synthesizing information into 2 separate handouts for you to make everything clear for both you and your potential partners. 1. Post-diagnosis handout: Especially for those who are newly diagnosed (and for everyone else for that matter) with all those question marks floating around in your head. There are a lot of conflicting stats out there. This is all the high-level information you should know right off the bat. http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout 2. Post-disclosure handout: This is a "cheat sheet" that you can use after a disclosure to answer all of those questions your potential partner will have about the risks associated with herpes transmission. http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout What do you think? Any feedback is much appreciated!

We love you, butterfly. And now it sounds like it's a good time for you to fall in love with yourself. Ever heard that cliché? Well, there's a damn good reason it's a cliché: Before you truly love yourself, no one else will. It sounds like you're putting a lot of importance in what someone else thinks about you. Whether someone loves you or not doesn't make you lovable or unlovable. Whether you love yourself or not does. And trust me, I've been there. Still catch myself feeling that way. And then I have to remind myself to love myself in those moments. To accept myself. Much love to you. Talk soon.

So awesome, Kath! Enjoy it and soak it all in. You deserve it. And you're more than welcome. So glad to hear that this site helped you get there. Feeling happy hearing that. :)

Hey billings! Here's a blog post I wrote and video on this topic. Short answer: Don't put your life on hold until there is a cure for herpes. It might never come. Then what did you do all that time waiting? If it does come (probably earliest will be about 5 years after any clinical trials and such), then it'll be a pleasant surprise. Live your life now. Learn how to get to the point where you discover yourself as the kind of person who shines brighter than a simple skin condition. http://herpeslife.com/herpes-cure/

I agree with Lelani & Katie/Cedar. I like your attitude. You're hella cool. Duh. ;) Glad you're a part of our heartfelt and funny community. I also want to speak to something else that came up for me when reading your story. It's something that I can resonate with because I do it, too: Comedy as avoidance/coverup. So I say this not to be preachy, but to share with you my experience to see if it relates to you. I tend to use comedy to brush past what I'm actually feeling. When I actually allow myself to settle into whatever it is I might be avoiding through making jokes, I generally come to find that emotion I've actually been avoiding feeling: Sadness, anger, disappointment. I also say this hesitantly because I do believe laughter and enjoyment of life is the best medicine. AND there is a healthy balance between letting myself feel what is really there and making light of it through joking around. It's healthy to allow myself to feel it all, and it's made all the difference in the world. I feel a fuller sense of life when I accept myself in all of my feelings. Does that link up to your experience at all?

Well, I'd love to read what you have to write (and that goes for anyone else, too, who is inspired to contribute)! Feel free to write whatever you feel would help people and we'll see about adding your articles to the herpeslife blog. Email whatever articles you write to my email hello [at] thehopp [dot] com. Just make sure you scan through the blog articles that have already been written so you can get a feel for our voice as a community on the blog.

Everyone is creative, genussbutterfly. You just have to be open to realizing you are. ;) Ultimately, when you have a connection with someone, you're going to naturally want to explore with them, find new ways to play, find new ways to find what turns them on that doesn't always include the genitals (how boring would that be if the only intimacy you had was JUST the genitals?). You can talk about each other's sexual fantasies, nibble on each others ear lobes, bite different parts of their body, massage each other, play naked twister, silently gaze into each others eyes without breaking eye contact for 10 minutes, being vulnerable about how you feel with them in the moment, light candles and blind fold each other while lightly touching each other's bodies ... The list goes on and on. And when you're open to being vulnerable with that person, you'll find all sorts of new and fun ways to explore. And you can't quite build a list ahead of time, because a lot of what comes out of it will be a co-exploration with your partner. Since that partner isn't here (yet), you'll just have to see what they want, too, and you can explore that together in the moment. It's very fun and herpes NEVER gets in the way of true, deep intimacy. Remember that. And as far as how to talk about a herpes outbreak while you're in a relationship, here's a video I made about how to approach the subject in a playful, not-a-big-deal way:

I'm so happy to hear that you're inspired to do that! Let's talk about you contributing your thoughts, feelings and ideas on http://www.herpeslife.com ... What sorts of blog topics are you interested in writing about?