mr_hopp

Hey, I don't fault you for partying. I agree. Don't stop living simply because of the possibility of a herpes outbreak. Not worth suppressing life to avoid herpes. Good lesson overall. ;) I can't give you any medical advice because I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like your body is telling you something. Following your own bodily intuition is the best way to go. It knows. If you get the feeling that you should pause the medication so you can clear your head, I'd consider doing that. Take care of yourself, whatever feels right to you.

For the first few outbreaks as your body gets a handle on having the virus, you may want to seek out getting a prescription for an anti-viral like acyclovir or Valtrex. You can do episodic therapy to give your body the boost it needs in these early stages to help it protect itself. Depending on your overall health, your body will naturally begin to shield your system from the virus as time passes. It will build up more and more antibodies as time goes on to keep the virus under wraps. Here's a blog post on medication: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/

ashleychristine, I'm so happy to hear that you had the talk with him and that he was supportive. Shows your character and his as well. Good work. And yes, we are always here for you if you need us.

Powerful post, Lelani. I feel sooooo much when I read your words. I can't wait to one day meet you in person and hug you. That hug will last minutes ... It's amazing how much I can feel for someone I've never met, but who you are shows up so powerfully just through words that I'm continually blown away. I am going through a similar pattern of grieving and wondering about the future. It's a good reminder that being single can be just as magical as being in relationship. Being nourishing to myself during my singlehood tills the soil of my garden so my own flowers can bloom. (Or I can beat myself up, remind myself how utterly worthless I am and make my own garden die and dry up. I like the sounds of the other option.) Maybe in the future, an amazing woman will bring her own beautiful array of flowers to my flower garden so we can have a brilliant bouquet together, but there's no guarantee. And there's no use in me worrying about whatever the future will bring. If anything, I might as well get excited about the future! It feels better that way and amazing things are just as likely to happen as anything else. I'm reminded of all those times I've spent way longer worrying than actually living … Whether it was worrying about a term paper in high school for months, then finally sitting my ass down to write it in a few hours and getting an A anyway. Or when I worried myself to death for weeks about asking that girl out that one time, excruciatingly planning out all the words I was going to say so that she would like me … and then she ended up shyly asking me out instead. Or that time for years when I had herpes and holed myself up in my house, crying, feeling so sorry for myself, beating myself up, believing that no one was going to love me. Ever. No way. And the second I decided to step out into the sunshine I was surprised to see how many people had been waiting for me the whole time with open arms. We can spend so much time worrying about a time that may never come or we can spend our time living. I'm determined to live. And help others live as fully as possible while we're here. The quality of our life is being determined right now. In this moment. What are we contributing to that? Thank you for your beautiful words and your tender heart, Lelani. Words cannot in the slightest express how much gratitude and love I feel for you being a part of our Herpes Opportunity community. You are the rocket fuel that keeps this forum running in such a beautiful way. You are a gift. And I love you.

Pro: Having herpes had me realize how judgmental I was, how much I automatically shamed myself and others without even thinking about it. It had me realize how many bullshit stories I was believing about myself that I was making true (I'm unlovable, alone, shame-worthy). It has caused me to change my superficiality in all relationships into a deeper and richer understanding of others as beautiful. It has taught me the power of perspective: I get to determine my relationship to every single thing in my life. It causes those people I want in my life to stay and see me for who I am and it causes those judgmental and shallow people I don't want in my life to leave. Who I am is more important than what I have. I have learned that life is so damn BEAUTIFUL, regardless of what comes my way (especially when it's a simple skin rash). Con: Herpes itches and stings a bit when I have an outbreak twice a year. Look, nobody cheerfully WANTS to get herpes. But if you do have it and there's no cure, what are you going to do about it? That's the essence of character. The quality of the answers you get is in line with the quality of the questions you ask yourself. If you ask yourself "What's horrible about having herpes?" your mind will come up with tons of answers to support that. If you ask yourself "What positive things am I learning about myself through having herpes?" then a very different lineup of answers comes shooting down the pike.

Hey CAS, I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. Are you planning on coming to the H Opportunity interactive workshop in January? We'll be going through all of this to come out the other side so it's no longer a struggle. Come in a struggle, leave in an inspiration. I'd love to see you there. http://thehopp.com

What you focus on becomes bigger. Herpes is a simple skin condition with a stigma when it comes down to it. See how much power you are giving it? Yes, there is a chance people will run with the stigma and not want to take a chance of getting it. And? The right person for you will see you and recognize you as just the person they want to be with, herpes or not. This is the nature of finding people to be with regardless. Everyone has something that is a dealbreaker for someone else. That's just how it's going to be. It can't be any other way. So stop thinking of what life would be as a comparison with the version of you who doesn't have herpes. That doesn't exist. What will you do right the eff NOW? ;) Everything else is just spinning your wheels and imagining a possible negative future that hasn't even happened yet (and probably won't)! Do you see what you're doing to yourself? Why do you insist on beating yourself up like this? Yes, herpes is something we deal with. But the physical symptoms are nothing compared to the suffering you inflict on yourself based on "what-ifs" ... Less self-judgment, more self-acceptance. Are you coming to the weekend seminar in January? It's going to be another epic, beautiful weekend where we cover all of this. http://herpesopportunity.com

What has caused you to believe that you'll have less chances of finding someone who will love you? What proof do you have? Give it to me. (Yes, I am lovingly challenging you.) ;)

A few logistical pieces first: Condoms lessen the risk of transmission by about 50% (but depending on where your outbreaks normally are, sometimes condoms don't do anything if skin-to-skin contact is made where the site of outbreaks usually occur. Valtrex (or any anti-viral medication) only lessens the risk of transmission by another 50% (You used the word "prevent." Nothing absolutely prevents the risk of spreading herpes.) Even when you're not having an outbreak, there is still about a 10% chance of passing herpes. It's called viral shedding. And about not disclosing, it sounds like you're racked with guilt, which may actually be a good thing: It shows you have integrity. People who don't have integrity wouldn't care if they didn't tell someone they have herpes. And by the way, integrity doesn't come from not ever fucking up; it comes from continually returning to truth and honesty. By learning from your mistakes. And yes, by not telling him initially, it does heighten the chances of him getting seriously pissed off and feeling betrayed (and maybe not since he didn't bother to introduce the STD conversation himself), but you always have a chance to make things right again by telling the truth. Even if that means him leaving angry and never seeing you again (worst case scenario); at least you followed your integrity and didn't allow the guilt to eat away at you behind the scenes. How to have the conversation? Just be real about why you didn't tell him. I imagine you were scared of rejection. Tell him how horrible you feel by not being honest with him. Feel it when you tell him. Tell him whatever is true to you in the moment, too. Tell him vulnerably from a place of caring about him. And then be wide open to whatever response and emotion he has in response. Allow yourself to hear him and be impacted by what he has to say. That's all you can do. And this seems to me like a big learning lesson for the next time you are in this kind of a position again. Something tells me that telling will be more important than not telling when that time comes based on what you're going through now. But putting yourself through tons of guilt helps no one. Learning from this and moving into the future with more integrity does. Good luck, Domo. Thanks for posting and keep us in the loop about how it goes! We're here for you!

The way you talk about this, it seems like you were some sort of a victim of his wants and desires. It sounds like you didn't give yourself any power to say no or insist that he use a condom (which is also exposing you to whatever other STDs he might have that he might not be telling you about, too, keep in mind). Where were you in all of this? It sounds like you lost yourself somewhere in here.

I totally get that feeling, JC. I understand the fear of being rejected. I felt it for a long time. Then I realized it was a story I chose to believe about myself. Rejection is inherent in life. If you put yourself out there (not just with the herpes talk, but in general), there is always a chance of being rejected. Avoiding dating people without herpes because of the fear of possibly being rejected is giving herpes way more power than it deserves. See what I mean? There are plenty of people who would be happy to risk a little skin condition for being with an awesome person (aka you). ;) I don't mean to be preachy here; just want to make sure we aren't short-changing ourselves by believing that we need to segregate ourselves. http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk-what-are-you-so-ashamed-of/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-and-self-sabotage/

NC, I'm so, so sorry that you were disrespected like that. I'm blown away that someone would knowingly pass on herpes like that. I'm sick to my stomach. Not about the herpes, but about the kind of person who would do that. There must be so many horrible things going on in her head to feel like she needed to do that. I imagine she has a lot of withheld shame and anger. And not only did she try to pass the physical virus to you, but she also is passing all of her own stigma and self-hatred. But notice if you're taking all of that on from her. That's what you don't have to take on. Yes, she did you wrong. And now there is a choice you get to make about how you will feel about having herpes now. Will it remind you of being done wrong or will it remind you that you will have integrity that your girlfriend didn't? It's hard not to slip into victim mentality here, but super important that you don't let her own problems infect you. Herpes is manageable. A bad attitude and self-pity doesn't help anyone. And that's the part you have control over being infected by.

Hey JC, I'm curious why if you weren't with your boyfriend that you would be on herpes dating sites? Why would you segregate yourself like that? And why wouldn't you just be 100% honest when dating whoever, regardless whether you or they have herpes or not? I get simultaneously upset and sad when people with herpes think they need to stay dating only people with herpes. It's when people lie about having herpes that perpetuates herpes as a dirty thing that only people with no morals get and pass on. If we are honest about it, that changes the stigma. If we only date on herpes dating sites, we cut out 84% of our population! It's basically a mass pre-rejection. I'm a big stand against that way of thinking! :) Here's an article I wrote about it: http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

Here's my take on it: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication :)

Hey superwoman! Why don't you start a new thread so everyone can benefit from the answers? :) Much love!

[this was posted by Lelani on a duplicated thread] I love love love this virgo girl!...yeah disclosing isn't so hard when you decide to do it and let go and be open. I'm open with my friends and people I meet who I feel a connection with and who I feel I can trust....and they have been the same in their reactions. It comes up in conversation more than once after that and they want to know more and are so glad I talked to them about it. I go through times when it is harder to tell but mostly I am pretty ok about it...I do consider my kids, as we are well known so I am careful with who I talk about it. I used to think that that was about my shame but its more their privacy and I respect that. I'm so glad you had a magical night, that you had the courage to be authentic. And I think its just bloody fantastic how its worked for you!!!!!!! xxxxx

Hey LL! I emailed you a link to download the e-book. And as far as when to disclose, that's all covered in the e-book, too. :) It's a fine line between forcing yourself to disclose too soon and disclosing too late. It all comes down to the question of do you trust him and feel close enough to him to share something vulnerable with him?

There shouldn't be any restrictions since herpes is not a blood-borne virus.

What are you making the freak out mean about you? If a freak out reminds you or proves to you that you are dirty, disgusting, unlovable, then I could see why disclosing wouldn't be worth it to you. But what if a freak out simply means that someone else can't handle a simple skin condition with a stigma? What if someone else's reaction has more to do about them than it does about you? That is where self-love and self-acceptance become so powerful. Outer conditions don't affect your inner world unless you want them to.

And yes, NC in January will be quite the party and quite the experience overall. Already super excited for everyone to meet one another! Such awesome people!

Well for all the people who are in other countries, there are already a few people who are organizing Herpes Opportunities that will allow me to fly to those locations so we can have international seminars! Just throwing that out there if you're interested in doing that, too. :)

The Denver ladies are coming (Strengthfromwithin and Alyssa) and a few other people (one from New Jersey, another from Africa) and a whole bunch of others I'm going to be following up with! It's gonna be one inspiring party!

Did you know you had herpes when you gave it to him? Or did you not know any better? I'm just curious about that to see how to support you. And either way, jumping to wanting to kill yourself is just not the way, dear. I know it feels so huge right now, but in the scheme of things, it's not worth so much stress and heartache and suffering that you're putting yourself through. Trust me. We're here for you if you'd like to post more about where you're at right now. I'd like to hear more from you. How is your boyfriend handling it? Are you trying to work it out? What sort of support do you have with friends and family? Big hug.

I hear you LNL! I've had those moments, too. Thinking "Do these people not get that percentage-wise, there are quite a few people in this room who have herpes?" People are ignorant. I know I was totally ignorant about herpes before I got it. And it had me realize how many times I used to say off-color comments like that all the frickin' time! So yeah, it's not like I'm condoning that kind of ignorance, but if we're not going to speak up in the moment from a place of educating people, then we might as well flex that muscle of compassion for them being so ignorant to their offhand comments impacting people. I try to take those kinds of comments as a reminder for myself to be more aware of the kinds of things I say in mixed company. It's certainly made me more aware of everything I say and what the purpose is behind it.

kitcattat, there are a few amazing ladies I'm going to put you in touch with in Denver.