How did YOU get herpes?

[ellemmell (previously effe]

So hold on here. There's all this talk about "disclosing". But. I'm assuming that you were not told that your partner had herpes, right? If you did not have herpes and someone "disclosed" to you, would you have rejected them? And be honest. Honestly, I would have rejected them and felt is was disgusting. And now that I have it, I have to try to look at myself in a loving way. People who don't have herpes are not very understanding of the condition. It just conjures up images of horrible nasty sores all over the gentials, pictures on the internet are enough to make anyone run away to another country. When I saw pictures of it before I got herpes I thought "Wow, if I EVER get that I will kill myself."

 

So. did you get herpes because the person disclosed to you, you tried all the precautions you could and you still got it, or did you get it because they didn't tell you and you had unprotected sex? For me, this person knew he had herpes and did not tell me. I ended up in hospital it was incredibly severe the most painful experience of my life. And I know, I have done the exact same thing, I have had unprotected sex and not disclosed because I was too scared. I know, it's horrible, because I feel upset that I wasn't disclosed to but then I am doing the same thing because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Wow. This is just insanity. Anyway, I wish I had the strength to be a real and good person instead of this total insanity. I swear, I'm actually a really good person inside, it's just incredibly hard to deal with, I am also in denial. When I think of tell anyone I want to kill myself.

 

I also think, well most people who get herpes probably weren't disclosed to. And I feel cheated by the world and if this herpes is such a "gift" and "opportunity" then why give a damn who you give it to? They can suffer in pain like the rest of us. I know this sounds horrible and I wanted a nicer way to say it but I'm just being honest about how I feel right now and getting it out before this gets even more unhealthy and awful.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading this post, I just need a lot of emotional help right now and am totally breaking down into a dark place where I feel my life is over. Let me know what you think about this post and what I have said.

 

Thank you so much to this lovely support group, I hope we can all help eachother get through this, the desperation is reaching a new level for me nowadays.

 

Love,

Effemmell

[WhoopsiDaysi]

I got my herpes from a partner who had herpes and disclosed to me. I didn't get any real symptoms for about 10 years though. I have had partners who did not have herpes and were okay with it. My ex husband and I were together 5 years and he never got herpes (I made him get tested when we broke up). Millions of people have herpes in some form, whether it is genital herpes, cold sores, shingles, chicken pox, mono. It's a virus and it has been around since the dawn of time. It is a skin condition and nothing more. I hear you that you are struggling but hanging on to the anger and upset is only hurting you. There is a saying that anger and grudges are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is only hurting you. The sooner you can find a way to forgive and accept "what is" and that is the fact that you have herpes, the sooner you can start to heal and come out the other side of this.

 

Brenda

[ellemmell (previously effe]

Yes, you are right, the anger and grudges are just hurting myself. Eventually I'll be able to move past this and be a real honest and good person.

 

Thank you Brenda <3 I hope to meet you one day

[WhoopsiDaysi]

You are already on the road to healing effemmell. The fact that you reached out here is huge. You are ready to move forward in wonderful ways. Baby steps my dear and patience with your beautiful self.

 

I hope we can meet as well. Maybe at one of the H Opportunity weekends. :)

 

Brenda xo

[ellemmell (previously effe]

I want to go! But I will need to ask my parents for financial support. I live in Canada so it will cost a lot of me to do this. I don't have a job right now and am having a hard time getting things together due to depression from my condition. I hope I will be able to go though and start healing and meet amazing people like you!

 

How many of the H Opportunity weekends have you gone to?

 

Effemmell xo

[AllInADaysWork]

I got herpes about ten years ago from someone that did not know he had it. We got engaged and later separated. I found someone that did not have it and at the time he did not care that I had it. We got married and had a child. After about 6 years I think the fact that I had it and he did not have it changed things in our marriage. So he no longer wanted to be married. We divorced last year. I have gotten back into the dating scene in recent months and have told two potential partners. One completely cut me off as a friend and I told the other yesterday and he says we will still be friends but I have not heard from him today after weeks of constant communication. I told my potential partners long before we reached the bedroom but well after there was time for them to get to know me as an individual. I have an ex from high school and a best friend that say they would want to be with me even though I have it and they do not. However, I do not want to be forced into something just because my choices may be limited. I tell people so they have a choice to decide if they want to continue things with me or not. I did not have a choice when I got it and wish I did. We people with herpes owe it to ourselves and to others to be honest. People with herpes that do it and give it to others without telling them are the reason there are so many people out there that look at us like we are disgusting individuals. Find that strength in yourself. I know you have it. Be strong and be honest.

[ellemmell (previously effe]

Thanks AllInADaysWork, I know. I'm just scared of being alone forever. But maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be :(

[Atlantic]

I received it from my ex, who disclosed to me shortly after meeting me. I accepted him and stayed in the relationship, and it took a few years before I showed up with symptoms. Our relationship continued with both of us having it, until it was apparent that the relationship was not working for me and I ended it last year.

 

So for me, accepting and dealing with H was delayed until the relationship ended. I definitely went through some of the difficult and painful thoughts and emotions that you are going through. I reached out here, and worked on healing myself emotionally. Started dating again but did not really meet anyone I liked enough to want to disclose to.

 

About a month ago, I finally met a man who I really liked, and I was pretty intimidated by disclosure, but with the help and support of my fellow H-ers here on the forum, I worked up my strength and courage. I told him, he accepted me and was awesome (I wrote a "happy disclosure" post about it that you can read).

 

The bottom line is that self-acceptance and forgiveness will not be an easy process, but you're on your way. Keep coming here, reading the posts and reach out to an "H buddy" or two. Take care.

[mr_hopp]

I got it while in a dysfunctional relationship (if you could even call it a relationship). We were growing apart and not really happy with each other. Our relationship was going downhill, but we didn't speak to it ... So over Christmas holiday she went back home to be with her family and got reacquainted with her ex. He had just gotten herpes from someone he recently slept with and didn't know to tell her. Then she came home a few days later and had sex with me in the midst of what turned out being her first outbreak. Of course, she didn't tell me she slept with her ex. Ouch. ;) So herpes to me not only meant all the stigmatized stuff I had learned about it over the years, but it also meant infidelity and lying. Which is why I'm so big on transparency, honesty and authenticity here. I don't want herpes to be associated with lying and deceit. If each one of us moves through the shame of it and into accepting ourselves, then disclosing becomes not only a way to tell our partners, but also a way to spread the antidote to the stigma: Self-acceptance.

[AllInADaysWork]

effemmell - I know it is tough. I find myself low at times, thinking that I may be "alone forever." I just try to push through those feelings. It is never easy and I would be lying if I said it was. Sometimes I feel like shutting down when I tell people and get rejected but I try not to build up those walls because they will only be harder to knock down in the future. Is there anyone such as family or friends that know about your status or are you keeping this information to yourself? Sometimes it helps to tell someone you are close to so you can have that support.

[mr_hopp]

@effemmell - there's no way that you are "SUPPOSED to be"! :) All you are is right here in this moment. Stop spinning your wheels projecting "what ifs" into the future. It's pretty pointless to worry about all that, isn't it? Will you be alone forever? Maybe. Will you fall madly in love with the Mr. Right of your dreams tomorrow? Maybe. Who's to say? And how does worrying about all that now help your future at all? ;) Right now is what's most important for you to heal and love yourself. And worrying ain't it.

[abbyroad78]

effemmell, I was diagnosed almost 8 years ago. I was engaged at the time of the diagnosis. I remember specifically asking him if he had any STD's or thought maybe he did... I was very open about discussing sexual history because of STD's and did not want one. However, I was not asking because I would have left him. I was asking because I wanted to be in an honest relationship with this man. He said "No, I think I would know"... I said, "Ok, well I have been recently tested and am clean, so I would like you to be tested also..." I never made him take a test.... I had unprotected sex with him and contracted herpes. I remember the night I told him I tested positive for herpes, his exact words were, "I am so sorry, did I do this to you?" My heart dropped.... With this being said, no one deserves herpes, no one wants to get herpes, but the diagnosis is so minimal to what it could have been. It is not cancer or HIV. It is not losing a limb or losing your sight... yes, it is life altering, but can be a good thing. Yes, it hurts to tell someone, and yes, it will hurt IF you are rejected. However, if you don't accept this fact of life for yourself, you will never be happy. If you don't take a risk in being honest with people and still be PROUD of who you are as person, then your life will be lonely. Give someone the chance to make a decision about whether or not they want to be with YOU, not your herpes. Please take the time to do more research. Read the success stories. Be open to other people, and they will be open to you. Love you, abbyroad78

[AbbeygaleMc]

I got diagnosed only last March. I think I know with whom I got it from but he never told me or most likely he never knew. I am trying to be in touch with him but no chance...that was two years ago..but I didn't knew all along..especially when the first doctor told me that it was just a scratched skin and it went away quickly. But this year was a shock. I know it is mild compared to another's outbreak..I don't even feel any pain aside from the mild burning feeling that you get if u have a scratch or small wound. But then again it was devastating for me. My doctor said it would go away when I finish my meds cycle which did for a few days then came back again when I had my menstruation so I need to take antiviral:'s again for a few days. It has been a month since but then I always feel that I have the prodrome because I always feel that I have fever inside... so I haven't felt like the same old me...been miserable. There were days that I would just tinker on my v to look for something. A few days back I was with my doctor and she assured me I am not having an outbreak and probably my fever is something else and that I don't have to worry. But wo knows, right?! H is getting the best of me...feels that I am sinking at the bottom of my own sea. :'(

[starry_eyed]

tbh I'm not sure exactly WHO gave me herpes. I was with a guy (unprotected) last day in Jan and the next day I had what felt like a severe UTI. this abated a bit and a week later I was with someone else and I started visiting the doctor on Feb 12 who gave me meds for a UTI and then the next week I had awful internal itching and I kept getting misdiagnosed and then when I went to the capital city (I'm living abroad right now) I went to an esteemed clinic there and the doctor took one look at me and told me I had herpes and gonorrhea and/or chlamydia. She said my cervix was completely inflamed and I had a lot of yellow discharge and I was covered in sores. It was just a visual exam, there aren't any tests for Herpes in this country and she said the sores couldn't be anything els, nothing else causes them. Soooo I went back to partner #1 and told him and he went to go get tested and he came back negative for everything except for syphilis, which I tested negative. He swears hes never had any herpes like symptoms, and partner #2 (who I ended up sleeping with during what turned out to be the beginning of my outbreak before it got way too painful to do anything down there and ended up dating for a couple months) hasn't gotten any symptoms. So based on that I feel like its pretty probably that partner #2 gave it to me because if I was with him in the burning itching stages thats when I'm most contagious yeah? So if he didn't have it already he would have gotten it my now (so goes my thinking) but since there haven't been any symptoms he's either a fluke case or already had it and didnt know it. This is still hard for me to believe though because partner #1 has been very promiscuous and partner #3 has been with 3 women (including me).

 

 

[AllInADaysWork]

AbbeygaleMc I am glad that you are being so honest about your feelings. I have felt that same way and even though I have had it for almost ten years I still have those feelings from time to time. I read so many post on different discussions where people say just be strong and those feelings will go away and you will find someone to love you and all that jazz. And yes they may be completely right but sometimes that is not what you want to hear at that exact moment. Sometimes we just need people to listen and hear what we are saying and how we are feeling. So with that said imagine I am sitting with you as your friend. Listening and hearing what you have to say and noding and most of all being there as a friend to support you.

[kitcattat]

I got H from a guy I just hooked up with repeatedly and he says he didn't know. There was never any disclosure or choice for me, so I would hate to do that to someone else. I disclose because I don't want anyone to go through what I had to, feeling like someone took your life away....at first. Herpes was very unfortunate, but I'm glad it happened. It really forced myself to take a deep look in the mirror and see who I was becoming and really helped me get back to feeling like me. Ive had sex without disclosing once and it really just ate away at my conscious, so much so that I disclosed afterwards, which is a lot harder of a talk than beforehand! Not disclosing doesn't make you a terrible person, just a human being. That was the exact reason I didn't disclose, the one time, is because I was scared. At the time, I felt that I didn't want to disclose because I didn't want to be rejected so easily and whatever he probably won't talk to me after he gets what he wants anyways. It's really scary and I have felt the same, like i'm going to be alone forever. But its that kind of destructive thinking that ruins things before they even begin. I think this is everyone's fear, herpes or not, you just can't give up already!

I think about before I had herpes, that if someone told me would I reject him? I think it really depends. In high school I met this guy (the only interaction I've ever had with STDs prior to my own) who I really connected with and he was very brave and told me he had HPV. I was really shocked, but I still talked to him because I really connected with him. I always keep that in mind, because if I totally hated the guy anyways I wouldve said no, but if I really got to know him and liked him, i wouldnt care.

 

So Effemmell keep your head up! You won't be alone forever, Im sure you are an amazing person and there are plenty of people that would love to be with you, EVEN WITH herpes. I've definitely had these same thoughts you have SEVERAL times and you'll get through them. :)

[AbbeygaleMc]

Thank you so much AllInADaysWork. I really appreciate the time u r giving for me. It's like a big warmth hug. And I badly needed that right now. I guess I am still in denial. Haven't figured out anything. But I've had some piece and period of calmness these past few days compared to last week. The past days even if I was reading a lot of good stuff from here my ears and my mind are just so bloated that it can't hear and can't understand. I was asking myself how were u guys able to do that...be positive amidst all these. Well a lot of people tells me that I am a strong person. But right now I am at my lowest and weakest point. The fact that I might be able to hurt someone these much. Funny as it my seem, I am actually asking for a miracle...for God's miracle so that my friend wouldn't be able to suffer from all these.

And guess what I know that if I rise above from here H will give me a new perspective cuz it makes me realize what I've been through, where I was heading. It might be another chance, another life from God.

Another miracle.

Please pray for me that I get past thru this. And be a happy person again.

Thanks 4 d LOVE!

[lelani]

Oh Sweetie I know how you feel...those awful thoughts about rejection and being alone. The fear of that can make you things that go against your ethics and then make you feel like a bad person..then you beat yourself up over it. And I am a strong person too but having herpes has brought me to my lowest points emotionally...it has taken a lot of emotional work to start healing. And it is constant...I was diagnosed 18 months ago..had a constant OB for about 6 months...I think I cried at least half of that time! Then it stopped and without symptoms I started to feel normal again it gave me space to sort out all the stuff that came up in my head with having it. I was dating someone and had to disclose, I ended it (we are still friends and he didn't think H was such a bad deal) then I met someone else out of the blue who pursued me...disclosed again and found he had had if for 20+ yrs. That relationship ended shortly after - her hadn't go over his ex! Then I went into my dating cave for over a year and all the fears came up again about being alone forever (I covered them up with the "I'm fine and fantastically independent and don't need a man"). I threw myself into dance, art, work, friends.... and then a dance friend told me he loved me (and I had to tell him I didn't feel the same way) - he committed suicide three weeks later. I was devastated and it made me look at myself and my fears and realise that my feelings about this skin condition were stopping me from finding someone to share my life with and life was too short to waste - my friend took his life because of negative feelings. I decided I needed to get over myself and start living again, opening my heart. I did and then met an amazing man, who doesn't have Herpes, and who adores me...we are moving in together this week.

 

I am having an OB now which sucks..but loosing my job, my daughter getting married, packing up my house to move to another part of the country had been a a lot to cope with. Now I just see the OB as an indicator I need to slow down, eat better (which you don't when so much is happening!) and find time to relax. Do I worry I will pass H to m y partner - yes a bit. But we talk about it and because I got if from someone who I knew had it I know the other side of it too and it doesn't worry me so much. Not everyone has the same symptoms as us if they contract,..some don't ever know they have it! I get OB's once in a while now and they aren't more than an annoyance. DO I regret getting Herpes? Actually now I don't...doesn't mean it's easy to deal with sometimes but it had forced me to deal with all the negative thoughts I have had about myself and reach a better place. It's made me make better choices, take things slower, really look at what I want in life and to appreciate the times I feel great.

 

So let go of the worrying...you don't know what or who is around the corner and the best thing to do is work on you, love you and be the best person you can be - then H can't keep a grip on you, you just won't let it :-) . Sending you all a hug :-) x

 

 

[Deee]

I was 18 years old. My first serious boyfriend and I had been dating for a little over a year, I tried my hardest to wait til marriage to have sex but he was much older than me and I gave in. I contracted genital herpes type one from my very first partner via oral sex. How unlucky is that? Out of all my friends that sleep around I was the one to contract this. I'm passed the point of being sad. I'm angry. I completely understand your pain and frustration.

[Carlychanel]

I think, as I've seen on here before, that the greatest problem with herpes (or many STI's for that matter) is that talking about them is taboo. If you even talk to someone about getting tested or anything surrounding the discussion of such things, they either reflect their discomfort back on you by making a joke or accusing you of having something. When in reality, EVERYone that is sexually active should be on top of their checkups.

 

I found out a year into dating my first serious boyfriend in college. The sad part is, we had both been having small symptoms here and there for many months before my initial outbreak but due to the lack of information we had on STI's, we never put 2 and 2 together (which I find the most embarrassing part of my own personal struggle with all this). I was the only one that had actually had sex with other partners in our relationship so, naturally, I tried contacting my past relationships first. I ended up at a dead end. So, even though my ex had never actually had sex, I told him he needed to contact his most recent "hook ups" prior to getting into a relationship with me a year earlier. He found out from the first girl he contacted that she didn't find out she had it until after he was already with me and I guess she just never cared to tell him...? So both my ex and I ended up getting it. And then he cheated on me 2 months after my diagnosis but that's another story I suppose hah.

 

The main source of all my turmoil with my HSV diagnosis was this that if all three of us had been more educated on STI's, this whole awful chain of miscommunication could have easily been prevented. And honestly, I think a lot of us have hit a pretty dark/low point within ourselves after our diagnoses but at some point you have to choose to start putting your chin back up and realizing your worth! The most simple thing I've ever read that stuck with me for years is "you are not herpes: you have herpes". So if anything, please remember that. Stay strong!

[EricaBlue]

I had sex once with someone I casually knew for about a year. I pushed for a condom but eventually relented. He preferred without. We've spoken since and he insists he's never had sores and neither have any of the women he's previously been with and he's never been troubled by genital herpes.

 

I have never experienced anything like this in the past and although I can't prove it (what does it matter anyway) I'm sure he passed it to me. I'm not sure what to believe at this point. Sometimes I feel like he knew and took a risk with me. Sometimes I feel like he passed it unknowingly but is not acknowledging now that he's infected. It's hard to tell. Sometimes despite all this I feel like going back to him because I feel hopelessly unwanted.

 

My first episode was diminished to say the least since I have been taking antivirals for cold sores and already having hsv1 can diminish your first hsv2 episode, or so I've read. I had no pain and one simple suspect spot which I thought might be an ingrown hair or something. My visit to my dr led to a visual diagnosis but no swab was taken of the spot. I'm still not sure why.

 

Suffice to say that I'm I'm unfamiliar territory here. I'm sure I have this virus but slightly unsure at this point too. Maybe you'd call it hopeful. I range through emotions of acceptance to depression to anger within a moment.

 

Anyway, I've turned to all of you at this point for guidance, support, reassurance, and whatever else there is. In turn I'll help any of you out if I can.

[kpeace13]

Hi- I knew the man i was sleeping with had herpes when we started dating. he and my close friend dated previous to us, and she had herpes too! when she and I talked about herpes, she was very open about, with a sort of laid back attitude and said i had a good chance of not getting it. In my mind, i was like, its no big deal. So, when he and i started sleeping together, told me he had herpes, and I said OK, Im not afraid of it. However, he told me when we were in bed, and naked and already half way to the end zone, so of course I was more apt to say, sure! just get it right in there! but thats besides the point....:) God I was young, and eager for love and attention. when i learned i had herpes, i never held it against him. I held it against ME, for being so dumb and quick to act without really thinking, because in all honesty, its a scary thing to go through at first.

 

I didnt judge the man who had herpes. I had empathy for him, i understood that it wasnt his fault he had it. i loved him. i can only hope that someone, will feel the same way about me someday:)

[james81]

Back in 2009 my GF at that time had a violent OB in her mouth. We thought it was HSV1 and waited long enough for the skin to be healed.

 

 

A few months after, I got my first genital OB and since then every two months my skin condition pays me a visit, accurate like a Swiss clock :))

She never had an OB again though and I wonder if it was HSV1 or HSV2. She could be one of those lucky pals who does not have recurrent HSV2 outbreaks.

 

But the funny thing is months before this, I had unprotected sex with a friend of mine X_X . The interesting thing is that a year later I was visiting my friend's house and when I went to the bathroom I found an anti-viral cream in the bath cabinet. That made me suspicious but I never mustered the courage to ask her.

 

I guess the truth about my infection will be an unresolved mystery, actually, I am thinking that it's a good mental exercise for me!

 

Resolving the mystery will not bring closure. It won't help me in any way. Dwelling in the past is the worst thing you can do. Move on and stop thinking about it. It will cause you pain and will become a never-ending obsession.

 

Life is great, we have just a skin condition. If you think about it in perspective its so ridiculous that we should feel ashamed of even complaining about it.

There are far worse stuff just around the corner and we are here licking our wounds (not literally haha)

 

C'mon guys! cheer up! \m/

[caligirl12]

**I was in a terrible on off semi-abusive relationship with this guy from work while I was 22. He wrecked me emotionally, and I hadn't even fully recovered from first abusive relationship at age 17. Don't worry, I'm better at picking my men now! I went over to another co-workers house to party. That's how I knew I was in a hole because I'm not a partier. I got extremely wasted and all I remember is that we had sex. The worst part is it happened again a few weeks later. I got crazy drunk and don't remember anything from the second time. If I was sober or even less black-out drunk..nothing would have happened between us. (I called him after I found out, and he insisted he didn't have anything, and asked me to be supporting if he did. He promised the results of his next STD test, but he never got back to me. It could have been that he thought it was me who gave it to him...but he is the ONLY person who I could have gotten it from, and I felt his silence was my answer).

**6 months later, only 1 month into my current relationship we decided to get tested( which i got every 6 months). I knew the second the doctor called me 3 days after my test there was something wrong. (Positive for HSV 1 and 2). I spent the entire day crying..I called the guy I was dating to tell him I couldn't see him that night, but he insisted on coming over because he knew there was something wrong.

**I remember sitting on my bed looking up at him and telling him what I had. I immediately starting crying while he tried to comfort and me and tell me that I could live with this and it wasn't the end of my life. I didn't believe him. I thought he would stop seeing me, I would never find anyone..and my life as I knew it was over. I asked him if he was willing to deal with it and his answer was "I don't know". But he wanted to take care of me. The next few days were horrible, while he caught me crying in the bathroom a few times and once trying to leave his house in the middle of the night because I didn't want him to have to deal with this.

**At first he wanted to have a platonic romantic relationship while he decided whether he was willing to take it and me on. And 5 days after I found out I had HSV2 I found out I have high risk HPV from my first abusive relationship. The few days it took him to decide were excruciating, but he made the decision to make me his girlfriend because he liked me enough to not want to lose me--so our relationship then became normal. He continues to be my most solid support system in this..and I think he thinks it's less of a big deal than I do. I think it's nothing short of amazing that my first dating experience with it turned out to be so positive.

**But it has still been tough. I still get offended by jokes, hurtful comments, and ignorant people. I judge myself and take on society's stigma of this virus. Occasionally I get scared that if my boyfriend and I don't work out..I'll never find another person who will accept me with all of my baggage. But sometimes I have clear moments where I know that everything will work out. And I barely think about it anymore..I've come really far.It's definitely a roller coaster. I can't say I'm grateful I have it, but I can say I am grateful for the enlightened outlook on life it's given me!

 

[dilemmagirl]

I've had herpes for 2 years and I wasn't told that he had it. If he told me, I would still have had a relationship with him because I was so in love with him at that time. But after getting it and getting pregnant (at the same time -- the doctor said that there's a big chance I got it from my bf that time) he left. Anyway, I have had unprotected sex a couple of times after getting herpes. I was too scared to tell my partner. Maybe because I know that they weren't ready for a serious relationship and just wanted to get me in their beds. Turned out it's true. Both of them wanted to be just friends right after we had sex! I wanted to kill them but I was too afraid that I gave them herpes so I just kept my distance. I hope that one day I will meet the man who will accept me for what I am and what I have and not judge me. I am also hoping that when that time comes, I will be strong enough to tell him and be with him. I get scared everytime I feel I am having an outbreak because it reminds me of bad experiences -- getting pregnant, getting herpes, and having a miscarriage :( Everyday I try to love myself more and not blame myself for getting herpes. Well, I didn't buy it from the store, right? :)