mr_hopp

First off, I want to welcome you with all my heart to this community. Welcome, welcome. I'm glad you're here. I'm hear that you're hurting, and I feel sad hearing that. And I understand ... I remember when I first got herpes how I felt, how paranoid I was, feeling like every tingle was a soon-to-be eruption of this scary monster ... I remember all of that, and reading your post brings it back to me. And I can tell you that it all changes. I promise. And it takes you being with your feelings, being with yourself, taking care of yourself, connecting on this forum and people who love and accept you. All of that is part of a very beautiful healing process. And it's not fair that he treated you the way he did. You put your trust in him and he betrayed that trust. Please don't let that close you off to other people in the future who do actually deserve your trust. Allow it to inform you, but don't let it close you. I can feel your heart, and it's a big one. It's worthy of being shared with those who deserve it. One thing that jumped out to me in your share was this: "I am disappointed that I wasted this small amount of time (but feels longer) on this man who by my definition was no man in my eyes." This was not a waste. It is teaching you something, isn't it? Isn't it changing the course of how you will live your life? How you will follow your intuition? Every single life experience — yes, every single one! — has tremendous learning value to us if we allow it to. In what you said, I hear you being disappointed in yourself. And again I feel sad hearing that. Here's your opportunity: To take this as a huge learning about the power of your own intuition AND what happens when you lose yourself in someone or something else. Isn't that super valuable? I think so. And when you can allow that self-disappointment to fade away, in comes self-acceptance. And that's the true healing. Again, welcome. So much love to you, Jess. Big, big hugs.

Ah, glad to hear it, kaybee. Thanks for clarifying for us. Yes, sometimes herpes gets blamed for a lot, doesn't it? Poor herpes. ;) Really it's just an occasional, annoying skin condition with a stigma associated with it. Most of the other things that are associated with it are totally in our head or something else entirely. Welcome back! :)

Welcome to the forums, CL. Glad you're here reaching out. I don't see denial and defensiveness as more of a feminine/masculine trait and more of a human being trait. Defensiveness is protectiveness. It sounds like a part of him knows that he passed herpes to you. Because of this rampant ignorance about cold sores being able to be passed to the genitals (where they magically transform into genital herpes!), this phenomenon of oral-sex-to-genitals is why over 50% of every new genital herpes case is HSV-1 due to oral sex! And it continues to happen since 80% of Americans 14-49 have cold sores (oral HSV-1). http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/ As far as the antibodies go, it takes weeks on average for your body to develop enough of them to be detectable on the IgM or IgG blood test. (I'd have to look deeper to give you exact timeframes, but I seem to remember it's about 6-10 weeks?)

What beautiful support, Pacific. I'm touched by your words for Atlantic. I love our community and how authentic sharing can help so many realize they're not alone and that it's okay to be human. All of us talking about what's up for us, what's true for us, (even in the shitty feelings) gives all of us that much more permission to be ourselves and feel the whole range of feelings. :) And welcome out of the shadows! It's nice in the light, isn't it? ;) I'm glad you chose to come out to support. And I reflect back to you your kind heart in what it took for you to come out from the "lurking" to encourage a fellow community member. Feels good to see these kinds of connection here. Much love!

It was good to talk with you the other day. And I get how it can feel like you've now got this thing that will have life and intimate relationships be less spontaneous and fun. I thought the same thing! And my relationships AFTER herpes have been spontaneous, fun and deeper and a whole lot more than BEFORE I got herpes. Is it because of the herpes? Well, I wouldn't put herpes on a pedestal like that. ;) I believe that herpes was the wakeup call I needed to actually reach deeper into myself and discover what was lovable deeper than my skin. So less spontaneous and fun? Maybe. And maybe not. Who's to say? Know that you are in fact making that up. It's a possibility AND so many other things are possibilities, too. Why are you choosing to focus on this one that has you feeling not so good about your future? :) It could just as easily be spontaneous and fun and a whole lot more that you have no idea about because you aren't there yet. You haven't found that guy yet. You haven't had that experience yet. You haven't gone through what acceptance truly feels like yet. There's a lot that is up in the air and in your imagination about this. Know that this is a process and a journey toward deeper and deeper love. And it's not always easy. But life isn't always easy either. Life is a beautiful mix of pain, beauty, sorrow, love, heartbreak and everything in between. The sooner we embrace that it's ALL of that, the sooner we can sink into what is instead of rejecting it as "not enough" and waiting for it to be "better." There is no such thing. Life is what it is right now. We don't have power over everything that happens in life, but we do have power over how we choose to allow it to impact us. I'm glad you're here. And I'm glad you're reaching out. You're already well on your way down the path of healing. Coming out and simply talking about it is a big step. Congratulations. :)

This is hands-down one of my favorite videos of all time. In fact, when I first watched this video, I had just started getting to the point in my journey with herpes where I was starting to accept and love myself. This video hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way!) and pushed me over the edge into acceptance. It makes so much sense on a deep level. In fact, this is the video that's shown Saturday morning of the Herpes Opportunity weekend. Super powerful and quite a great way to shift perspective and launch the whole crew into a day of beautiful vulnerability! ;) Here's a blog article I wrote about this video a while back if you're interested: http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes By the way, I can't be more EXCITED that the Herpes Opportunity weekend is coming up in 2 weeks! It's overflowing with participants, loving staff and tons o' love! Woohoo! I can't WAIT!

The only way to know for sure is to get that "rash" cultured and tested. It could be a rash, or it could be herpes (either HSV-1 or HSV-2). No doctor should diagnose you definitively on sight alone if you want a definitive answer.

Absolutely misinformed. :) It's so sad, but what you went through seems to be the NORM, not the exception, based on the stories I've heard from many people on this forum worldwide. The medical profession seems to see this as not a big deal (which, ironically, it isn't a big deal medically), so there isn't as much attention paid to the facts as there should be so our medical community could properly inform us. Here are some links talking about the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2. And yes, EITHER strains of herpes can be on your genitals, each with differing levels of transmission rates. It is important you find out which strain of HSV you have. http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/ http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex Handouts: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Yes, of course. I wasn't suggesting that contracting AIDS when you have cancer means you will cure your cancer. ;)

GREAT discussion, K! What if everyone knew? Welcome to my life. ;) Everyone knows I have herpes. And I've never felt more free around something I used to be completely tied up in knots around with shame. And yes, it will happen on your own time, following your own gut and heart. And I can tell you the shadow of the scary monster projected onto the wall of the imagination ends up being a tiny mouse once you turn the light on. ;) "Worst" case scenario: Everyone in the world knows you have herpes. What then? All the people who would judge you and have horrible things to say and who would believe a simple virus should mean all these horrible things about you wouldn't be in your life. The people who see it for what it is, a simple, overly stigmatized virus, will stay by your side. It's a pretty damn good filter if you ask me. And for the record, I haven't had the kind of rejection where someone I knew as a kind hearted person who I want in my life reject me. Maybe I've been super lucky, and maybe that's just how it is. Sometimes we spend so much energy trying to control our life out of fear instead of letting it happen how it will by following what we feel is right and enjoying the ride from a place of curiosity and excitement.

Wow, that is the longest "condensed version" of a story I've heard yet! :) And it's perfectly fine. ;) I'm glad you're sharing yourself here and no longer lurking in the shadows. Welcome to the light of getting it all out there! It's good to see your face here. So many questions! I love that you're wanting to get all knowledgeable about this. It shows respect for yourself and your partner. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And instead of me going through and answering every single question one by one, can I give you a homework assignment that will answer most of them? ;) Watch this video first when Dr. Leone came into our Raleigh support group: http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-genital-herpes-hsv-and-hpv/ Then take a deeeep breath ... You're right: Only time will tell how this will affect your life. Your sex life has changed. Yes. And NOT FOR THE WORSE. It's just different. Remember that. Let that sink in ... And you and your man get to talk about the risk that he's now taking on for getting his HSV-1 on his genitals now since he went down on you and gave it to you. From his lips to your genitals to his genitals is how it can happen. It's also important to note that since he's had HSV-1 since he was a kid, his immune system has probably built up quite the immunity to being able to block the spread of HSV-1 to other parts of his body, but it could still happen, especially if you have sex with him during a genital herpes outbreak. But with his increased immune system AND the fact that passing genital HSV-1 is more difficult to pass to other genitals than HSV-2, his risk is lower. But yes, there is always some sort of a risk, and he needs to know that; you two get to work that out on what level of protection — or not you're both wanting and are comfortable with. And even though there's a risk, don't let that dampen your sexual drive! Get on the same page with your man and then GO FOR IT! And yes, lube helps reduce friction. Lube is your friend. Not just in the "ooh-that-feels-good" department, but also lessening the possible irritation that might bring on another outbreak. As far as your last outbreak ending only 3 days ago, I'd hold off on it. When I'm intimate with someone, I personally like to leave about a 7-day window after the last bit of scab has fallen off. And hey, REMEMBER ... SEX AIN'T ALL ABOUT PENETRATION! Get creative! During your outbreaks or times when you feel something might be about to happen down there (tingling, swollen lymph nodes, any other prodrome symptoms, which you will get to know better as your body tells you) Here's a blog about herpes prodrome symptoms: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-prodrome-symptoms Here's a video about a sex with herpes reframe: (Did you take my advice and take that deeeep breath? Do it again. You're going to be fine, you sexy beast, you.)

Okay, so this is absolutely amazing. Sheds more light on how if something that is incredibly stigmatized is used as a tool for healing (sound familiar?), it can have tremendous benefits for life. Check this out and be BLOWN AWAY. :)

Generally, as far as I have heard, the site of your lymph nodes swelling will give you a hint as to where your body is fighting the virus, so if your lymph nodes swell in the lower part of your body, it's probably due to genital herpes, and if your lymph nodes swell in the upper part of your body, it might mean oral herpes (or any other virus, too, but in terms of herpes, that's probably why they swell in different parts of the body). But hey, I'm no doctor, just a trend I'm noticing through our community sharing.

That's great, Abbyroad! We all learn from the things that are hard for us to do. It's a great reminder that NOT doing something is just as much a decision than DOING something. And putting something off is a decision, too. And our decisions all have impacts on our future. And ultimately, you followed through on your integrity; you were honest. That took courage to actually speak to it instead of continuing to sweep it under the rug, hoping it would go away on its own (I have felt that feeling before!). So good job to follow your gut and speak to it. Sets a great foundation for a trusting, solid relationship. And trust/honesty is an ongoing thing, speaking to things that are hard to speak to in the relationship to come keeps us connected with our partners. Here's to you, abbyroad! Much love and big hugs! Come back and give us updates on how the relationship is progressing! Remember, that even though you're in a relationship, you still get to continue healing your own relationship to yourself and herpes. It's an ongoing, beautiful process that you now have a partner to help you in that ongoing healing process. :) Hug!

Hey Saliha! Just to be sure, next time you get that kind of a rash, I would get it swabbed at your local doctor/clinic just to be sure. Just by the sound of it, your rash doesn't actually sound like herpes. Herpes outbreaks tend to be more or less the same per individual, so if you've had an outbreak with blisters, then the rest of your outbreaks should be similar in look and location (but tend to get less severe/frequent as your body builds up immunity to the virus), as far as I've heard and in my own experience. And no, shedding is asymptomatic, so you won't be able to see anything when the virus sheds. Here's an article on asymptomatic viral shedding: http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/

Have you read the free ebook I wrote on disclosure yet? http://eepurl.com/b4IPP When the disclosure comes from a place of self-acceptance, then there really is no deep rejection when someone doesn't want to be with you. Why? Because you aren't rejecting yourself. That's where the deep pain comes from. Before you get to the point of more self-acceptance outweighing the self-judgment, someone else's rejection/judgment will trigger the same response in you toward yourself! But after the balance shifts to more acceptance, you start to realize that rejections are really just moving you toward the right experiences and people for you. And it's hard to do it alone, which is why this forum, talking to people who love and accept you, coming to the Herpes Opportunity weekend workshop -- all these things help us to move to that point of self-acceptance.

You ready for the irony of all this Paige? Looking to some future time where you won't break down in tears at any moment will simply push down those feelings that are wanting to be felt. Loving yourself right now, constantly on the verge of crying, allowing yourself to cry when you need to cry while treating yourself with kindness is the healing you are meant to do RIGHT NOW. You won't at some point in the future miraculously figure out how to accept yourself without starting right NOW. It's a practice. Build that muscle. That's what this is all about. If this forum is anything, it's a gym to build your self-acceptance muscle. Because self-acceptance leads to self-love. And self-love leads to loving everything else. It tends to overflow all over the place. ;) (Its why I started this website and weekend workshop, in fact.) I don't want you to look back on this time in your life and be reminded of all that time you spent just waiting for acceptance to happen to you. I want you to be reminded of the time that you began loving yourself now.

Beautiful. If you love yourself first, then someone else's opinion won't sway you from what you already know: you're worth it.

Taking daily suppressive therapy is like taking any other kind of medication: It ain't good on your liver ultimately. But it's a tradeoff. It sounds like it's helping you, so it's a tradeoff you get to decide on. And yes, pretty much after the first year on average, people's outbreaks die down in both severity and frequency. When you tried stopping medicating yourself, how long ago was it? Was it during a very stressful time in your life? Were you eating well and generally healthy? How is your immune system generally? I'd try again if I were you since your body should have a good defense against herpes by now ...

I have heard about this plenty. Quite common as far as the stories I've heard from people. Swollen lymph nodes means your body is fighting off the new virus. For some people I've heard the swelling going down as the body develops antibodies to counteract herpes, while for others, the lymph nodes always swell up at least slightly as the virus wakes up for a new outbreak (which can be a good heads up as a prodrome symptom to assume that an outbreak may be coming on).

Ah, welcome into the light, Lara! :) This is the next stage in your healing: Coming out, showing yourself to our community, letting yourself be known. And that leaning toward secrecy is another layer of shame. Accepting herpes isn't a black-and-white kind of thing: You're not either deep in shame about herpes or completely over it. It comes in stages. Herpes acceptance is a moment-by-moment process. Even when you're in a relationship, the shame will still show up time to time. Being in a relationship doesn't save us from how we feel about ourselves. And those moments are for us to accept ourselves, too. Being open with our partners about herpes and when we feel outbreaks coming on help to keep them safe. Just like being open and honest and authentic when we have the herpes disclosure talk, that same open, honest authentic communication while in the relationship create the deeper connection that is so beautiful in relationship. We still might have that feeling in the back of our head that the axe is about to fall, that we shouldn't remind our partner that we have herpes since they've already accepted us. (Maybe if we remind them, they'll reject us — "Oh, I almost forgot ... You have HERPES???") ;) You find yourself more irritable before an outbreak? Well of course you do! It just means that there's another deeper part of you that still has judgments against herpes and yourself. Any of those places you're noticing, first off GREAT WORK! A lot of people don't notice these things. They just react. The fact that you're even noticing your irritation as its happening allows you to do something about it. It's enhancing your own self-awareness. That's awesome. That's just another layer of shame that you get to accept. As your outbreak is happening, you get to take care of yourself and notice any sort of self-judgments coming up. The point is NOT to never react negatively to herpes ever again. The point is to ACCEPT yourself in every moment, even in the negative, irritating reactions. :) You may have already seen the video, but when I was in relationship with my ex girlfriend (who didn't have herpes), I would tell her I was about to have my "man period" and say it in a playful way instead of a sad trumpet waaaa-waaaaa way. Here's the video on that: Did you read the "lurkers" post I put up a little while ago? I love that you're out with the rest of us! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1040/to-all-you-lurkers-a-love-letter-to-you-/p1

Ah, it feels SO GOOD to have you back, Lelani. You so deserve everything you're telling us that you have. What an amazing man for such an amazing woman. Good match. :) I love everything you said about how herpes can challenge us to be the best version of ourselves we can be. It's so true. If we allow it to be a teacher for us, it will have us grow into who we truly are instead of the false imaginings of our lack. That is what people fall in love with, not the herpes. I love how it has reflected in your own life to such a large degree. When are we doing the Herpes Opportunity New Zealand? ;) Much love to you!

I'm just trying to help you get the correct information. What you do with that information is totally up to you. :) Much love, Done!

Does anything EVER stay the same, HoG? Nope. Things change. And our relationships to other things change. Whether those things are people, situations in our lives, our physical body, our beliefs and feelings ... or herpes. And the more accepting we are, the more we give ourselves compassion and love, that change will most definitely be for the better. Know that. Allow yourself to notice all the times herpes comes into your mind and then allow it to float out of your mind, too. You don't have to dwell on it and worry. Another good quote: "Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum." (Baz Luhrmann, Wear Sunscreen)