mr_hopp

Yes, you nailed it: Before someone else can deeply accept you, you need to first accept yourself. It's a corny cliché for a reason: Because it's sooooo true! You going through these feelings that you wish would just go away is your way of moving through the pain and into what is. The only way the feeling will go away is once it's felt fully, without judgment, without self-shaming. The pain is signalling a shift in your psyche, your heart and your way of being. Think of it as growing pains. Sometimes pain isn't all that bad. It can mean you're getting stronger, learning and growing. Just have compassion for yourself through this phase. It will be better. Allow it to happen instead of struggling against the current.

Lelani's right. The triggers are opportunities to heal that self-judgment in yourself! Think about it: If you were already okay and accepting of that part of yourself, you wouldn't be triggered. These kind of "ouch, that hurts" reactions are breadcrumbs pointing to more opportunities for wholeness within ourselves, opportunities to give ourselves the acceptance we deserve. The crying is e-motion ("energy in motion") that is allowing you to move into a deeper and deeper acceptance. (I wish I could cry more; over the years, I have developed a mechanism where my crying doesn't come naturally when I'm sad.) The sweet spot here is to simultaneously allow ourselves to feel sad (or whatever other genuine emotion we're feeling) without judgment or pity. That's when sadness is healing and beneficial. If we're crying and feeling like we shouldn't be or something is "wrong," then we're just re-opening the same wound and hurting ourselves. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel, even when you're triggered by anything out there in the world that reminds you of something you're ashamed of. And the fact that you woke up the next day feeling better fits perfectly. You allowed what needed to move in you emotionally to move. That clears the plate for you to live your life right now fully. I'm glad you're still here. So much love to you!

I haven't heard about this much either. Have you gone to your doctor to see what might be going on down there?

Gosh I love you, Whoopsidaysi. I can't wait to see you again at the next H Opp weekend in July. And yes, acceptance is a two-way street in relationship. Herpes is just one of those things that we navigate TOGETHER with all the other things we accept between each other. Let's not glorify herpes as the only thing that either gets to be accepted or rejected. It's ONE (small) thing in the scheme of all the great and not-so-great things that we have to offer in relationship. And as Whoopsi said, we get to accept all of those things in ourselves (yes, even the "unacceptable" things). It's a practice. It truly is. And we will never reach the point in our lives where we won't have anything that might hurt us, or where we won't be afraid of anything ever again. The more we can appreciate what is and stop judging ourselves, the more wholeness we develop. And Whoopsi brings up another great point, too ... Whenever we are triggered by something, that means there's something deeper within ourselves that we are trying to protect. Some place that we aren't quite right with (yet). So a trigger is much like feeling pain in our body: The source of the pain signals that that part of our body needs tending to, it needs to heal. It's the same with a trigger. If we feel triggered by someone rejecting our herpes, then the trigger is actually pointing to that belief in ourselves that we aren't enough. When we love ourselves and accept ourselves more, the rejections mean less about us. They just are what they are. Have you heard this audio yet? Give it a listen! It's all about how to never feel rejected again: http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 ... and here's a great blog article written by our fellow community member Breatheandletgo: http://herpeslife.com/destroy-your-herpes-shame-and-embrace-your-imperfections

Hi Jess, Welcome to the forums! Thanks for sharing yourself. I understand the numbness. It seems that it's protecting you from the pain. And there is a fascinating way that a rejection about herpes can be taken personally. Maybe it just means that the relationship isn't the one you need. Ever consider that? I have been living my life more and more from the belief that everything truly is what it is. That I don't need to force anything. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, it won't be. I will have my preferences and what I want and I will fight for what I want sometimes ... but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean I'm a failure. (Sometimes I'm better about remembering this than others.) ;) I commend you on your courage to disclose those 3 times. It doesn't sound like it was easy, but it does show your integrity. Living an honest life is living a courageous life. I promise you that. And it's worth it. Trust me. It helps us to grow. It helps us to discover who we are and what we have to offer. If we know our value, then a rejection by another doesn't mean we don't have value; it simply means that either that person just doesn't have the eyes to see it or that person isn't right for us. Have you read this blog posting yet? This simple phrase has helped me through a lot. It's a primer for acceptance. And it's simple. :) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase ... and listen to this group discussion I had with a few other awesome folks about rejection: http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 Also, consider coming to our weekend seminar happening in July in NC. It's a safe, supportive and fun space to transform your shame ... http://thehopp.com

Ah, I have had all these feelings! And thank you for being so honest and transparent about your thoughts and dumping them all out on the page! Even though it's hard to hear that you're suffering and hurting, it feels relieving to hear you getting it out, sharing it. This is the way we process. This is the way we heal. To be honest with ourselves about what we're feeling. The tears are natural. The anger is natural. The confusion is natural. It's all part of the process that this is. You're okay. You will be okay. Have you watched Ashley and my latest video called "Growing through the yuck"? It talks a lot about the place you are in now. Honor it. Be with yourself in it. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. It's all normal and natural. Treat yourself with compassion. Know that feelings will move. Emotions will move and pass and morph into new emotions. http://herpeslife.com/growing-through-the-yuck-of-having-herpes/ Here are some other blog articles for you to read (yep, I'm giving you homework!). :) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages http://herpeslife.com/could-you-use-herpes-to-empower-your-life/ http://herpeslife.com/what-i-wish-i-knew-when-i-was-first-diagnosed-with-herpes http://herpeslife.com/destroy-your-herpes-shame-and-embrace-your-imperfections http://herpeslife.com/herpes-cure-shame-as-breadcrumbs-to-more-wholeness/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/ http://herpeslife.com/less-herpes-shame-more-self-love/ http://herpeslife.com/your-awesomeness-overshadows-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-is-a-symptom-a-physical-manifestation-of-something-deeper/

Oh, I completely (and respectfully) disagree, bethany. Let's not start off relationships with dishonesty, even if it is a white lie. ;) The whole point of the Herpes Opportunity is integrity, honesty, trust in relationship. Let's develop the muscle of courage to be real and true.

I hear you PFK. I had assumed the same thing when I first got herpes. Then I went through such a dark place of keeping myself isolated from even the POSSIBILITY of being rejected that I didn't actually let myself live. When I had the courage to face my fears, I realized that 90% of the fears were bullshit. ;) They didn't end up being true. What proof do you have that that's the way it's going to be? Or is this all in your imagination based on the stigma and hype around herpes? It takes courage to confront our self-limiting assumptions.

I told you already. ;) HSV-2 orally only sheds 1% of the time, which means the chance of transmission are even lower. The chances mathematically speaking are slim to none, but there's always a chance. Not enough of a chance to be paranoid at all, but to be cautious and aware if you happen to be having something out of the ordinary going on in your mouth.

Hey Genven! Short answer: Absolutely not. Even if she was virally shedding, the herpes virus dies once it hits the air. It can only be transmitted with direct skin-to-skin contact, and even then the chances of transmission are below 10%.

Hi kitcattat, It's never too late to tell. If you don't tell, it seems that your integrity will eat away at you. Be honest. Tell him you were scared to say anything because you care about him (if that's true). ;) You're finding out the hard way that you actually do have integrity, so that the next time it seems that you won't let this kind of slip happen again. And hey, remember that by not having the safer sex conversation, you're actually putting yourself at just as much risk of getting something else as you are putting him at risk for getting herpes. Let's take the shame shield off of this thing and just have the conversation without it oozing with shame and deceit. Let's just have an open and frank conversation. That's all it has to be. It doesn't have to have weight to it. It doesn't have to be heavy, burdensome, sad, serious, horrible. You can make it all those things if you want to, but you don't have to. ;) FYI, here are some other forum posts I dug up that have some parallels to what you're going through: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/210/i-made-a-huge-mistake-and-not-sure-what-to-do-now-please-help-/p1 http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/245/herpes-disclosure-too-late-i-made-a-mistake-and-feel-terribly-guilty-and-like-him-/p1

Welcome to our sweet little heartfelt community, Cherokee! I got so much love for you. I remember those days of feeling so down on myself because of herpes. And one of the biggest lessons I learned (don't know if it'll help you) was the phrase "If this, then what?" It helped me to realize how much I was holding on to how my life *should* be rather than what it actually is. My life after I got herpes wasn't worse, just different. (And FYI, my sex life has gotten even better with more intimacy than ever because of the amount of trust, integrity and transparency that comes with herpes disclosure.) Here's a blog article I wrote on this one simple phrase: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase

Welcome abby road! Ah, the classic herpes and dating sites question! I appreciate the integrity in the question (it's clear you want to be fair and honest; I love that!), but don't you see how even asking the question is falling victim to the stigma and the shame around having herpes? Having herpes doesn't MAKE us unethical; it's our decisions and how we choose to live our lives that does. It's those people who choose to deceive others and put them at risk without giving them the choice that is unethical. If you go on dates with people, will you disclose when you feel the time is right? That's ethical. Everyone's got baggage and skeletons in the closet. (It's called being human.) Herpes is just a simple skin condition — a genital rash. (Or as I like to call it by its greek made-up name, "acne genitalis.") ;) So where did all this negativity and stigma get slapped onto herpes anyway? Our culture, our society, our shame around sex in general. And we get to separate that shame and stigma from herpes, too. Here's an article I wrote on herpes and dating sites that jumps into this further. Thanks for the question! And go out there and date! Don't hold yourself back! Love and be loved! I give you full permission. ;) http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites

Good question. The majority of cases when people go in to get their herpes test results, the doctors have been able to determine that what the person thought was their first herpes outbreak was not their first. Many people assume it's an ingrown hair, or a yeast infection or getting cut shaving, or skin irritation from new laundry detergent, etc. The fact that a lot of people's outbreaks are so minimal mixed with plain denial will have many, many people not even realizing they have herpes. And no, the 16.2% of Americans with genital herpes stat won't grow exponentially because even with people having herpes, there's only a 2-10% chance of herpes transmission at any given time. From Dr. Leone's NY Times Q&A: "The classic way to tell you had herpes was sores or ulcers on the genital area that were painful and lasted a few days, and then went away. But our understanding of herpes has increased as the technology has improved. What we’re finding now is that most cases do not fit this classic description. The typical, common way herpes presents is mild irritation that may be mistaken for trauma to the genital area. Most people miss these signs, and most clinicians aren’t looking for it. But what we see is that most will have four to six of these outbreaks in the first year of infection, which decreases over time." Read the post-disclosure cheat sheet for all these helpful stats: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout ... and watch the full hour-long video when Dr. Leone stopped by the Herpes Opportunity in-person support group. It covers a lot of need-to-know information: http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-genital-herpes-hsv-and-hpv/

Wow, you're in the extreme minority! Are you absolutely sure it's HSV-2? You got the IgG test confirming that? The reason I ask is because only 1-2% of the population actually has HSV-2 orally (and the majority of the 1-2% are men who have sex with men). Based on the extreme rarity of oral HSV-2, you can see that the HSV-2 strain of the virus prefers NOT to be in the mouth, which means the risk of passing it that way should be much lower. The virus only sheds 1% of the time. See the disclosure handout here to see the stats on viral shedding: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout The risk of passing HSV-2 to the mouth is so drastically low, in fact, that Dr. Leone even told our in-person support group this past Monday that there is no reason to even abstain from oral sex if you have HSV-2 genitally. Watch the full video here: http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-genital-herpes-hsv-and-hpv/ And to answer your question, of course you can kiss again! Let your partners know the deal and what a low risk it is and that 80% of Americans ages 14-49 have the HSV-1 strain of herpes orally.

My pleasure! Glad to put you two at ease. Yes, the first herpes outbreak can be a monster. But definitely not representative of how your body will be responding to future outbreaks. Not in the slightest. :) Dr. Peter Leone, an expert in herpes and STDs came to talk to our in-person support group Monday night. He said there is no population-specific data to suggest that any of these remedies help on a grand scale, but who is he to argue with people who do claim that they help (and there are plenty who do claim this)? In my opinion, if the outbreaks persist for much longer (which they shouldn't if you have a good immune system and are taking care of yourself), your best bet is to get a prescription to Valacyclovir or Acyclovir and take daily suppressive therapy. Here's an article on herpes medication: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/ ... and here's the hour-long video of Dr. Leone's talk (I'm going to be splitting it up into more manageable pieces, but for now, this is a great overview if you have the time to watch it! http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-herpes/

Hi camelgiraffe, Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing! I'm sorry you're going through that pain of a first herpes outbreak. The first one is always the worst. Then your body builds up immunity to it so subsequent outbreaks get less and less intense/frequent. Also, genital HSV-1 tends to be less frequent/intense anyway since it usually prefers to hang out orally. Hang in there. First herpes outbreaks can last anywhere from a week or two. Can't you go to a clinic in your area? Usually local community clinics don't charge anything, if not nearly free.

I asked Dr. Peter Leone this on Monday when he came to answer questions in our in-person Herpes Opportunity support group here in Raleigh. He says the virus sheds all the time, but in varying degrees. Sometimes you can be shedding virus even with absolutely no signs or symptoms (hence why it's called asymptomatic viral shedding), but I do believe that any itching or burning down there can safely be assumed that you're shedding virus. That's my guess and personal experience, anyway.

HSV-2 doesn't live in the mouth 99% of the time. It prefers the genitals. You don't have HSV-2 in your mouth, so why would it be passed that way? Herpes is passed only from skin-to-skin friction around the infected area. And just to drive this point home, even if he passionately kissed your vagina (like my sly analogy to oral sex?), the likelihood of passing genital HSV-2 to his mouth is slim to none. (HSV-1 is another story since that can be passed in both directions from mouth to genitals and vice versa.) So go out there and enjoy kissing, wherever it may be! ;) Read these articles for more information on all this: http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/ http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex/ http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/

Yes, if you're touching open sores and then touching your eye, it can spread to become ocular herpes, so don't do that. :) But the second that soap touches herpes, it dies, so just wash your hands if you touch your herpes outbreak. The eyes are a mucous membrane, which is why it's easy to spread herpes there. But once you already have herpes antibodies in your bloodstream, it's difficult to auto-inoculate to other parts of your body.

Tears in my eyes. Chills down my spine. Thank you, Brenda. Wow. I appreciate the deep, deep acknowledgement. Blown away right now. Humbled. Thank you, Lelani! That feels really good to hear, too. See you in New Zealand soon for your wedding! ;) And thanks to the rest of you wishing me well, Atlantic, free2be, LBN! It's been my honor and inspiration to bring all of this to you. In awe daily at everyone who opens their heart and vulnerability here.

No, herpes doesn't spread that way. It only spreads with direct skin-to-skin contact. And FYI, IgM tests aren't as good at detecting herpes as the IgG test. He could be a silent carrier. 15-20% of people who carry the herpes virus (that still silently sheds 10% of the time) never have an outbreak, so the only way they could find out that they do have herpes is if they specifically asked for the IgG blood test, which isn't part of regular STD screenings.

I just spoke with Dr. Peter Leone last night who is at the forefront of all things herpes/HPV. (I'll be posting the hour-long video of him after I edit it.) He says of all the vaccines out there that there are some promising ones and he says at best it will be about 5-10 years for any of them to get to market.

Hey SunnyDays! Welcome to the forums! I'm glad you're reaching out and getting knowledge. The more of that you get, the less the stigma can get a good foothold on you. ;) From what you're saying I'd say there's a 99% chance that you got your HSV-1 from him giving you oral sex. 50% of new genital herpes cases are HSV-1 from oral sex: http://herpeslife.com/genital-hsv-1-herpes-and-oral-sex/ Oral herpes sheds just like genital herpes sheds. Without any signs or symptoms, the virus can be shedding. Check out the post-disclosure handout here for all the specifics: http://herpeslife.com/resources/ P.S. Nothing is too graphic here. Try us. I dare you. ;) What's most important is that we all share what's going on with us so all of us can learn and be the most knowledgeable we can be. That is the only way for us to drop the shame and dispel the stigma.

It's very hard to spread genital HSV-2 to your mouth. Only 1-2% of HSV-2 is oral. That said, if you have genital HSV-1, you can spread that to your mouth, which 80% of Americans ages 14-49 have (also innocently called cold sores). Read the 2 handouts here for most of the upfront information you'll need: http://herpeslife.com/resources/