mr_hopp

Well based on what you're saying it definitely sounds like herpes, but that is quite confusing that the cultures are showing up negative? I have never heard of this before ... If you have been cultured for HSV1, then you probably have genital HSV1, too. 50% of new genital herpes cases are from HSV1 (people going down on each other with cold sores on their mouths). If you have gotten a culture from an HSV1 outbreak and it comes back positive, then your blood should show antibodies against HSV1. So yes, as far as I'm concerned, you're a phenomenon. ;) Check out the Western Blot test as its a good alternative to the IgG test.

Hey stubborn, Definitely don't have sex when you have visible symptoms. As far as the discharge, cloudy pee, what does your doctor say about that? From what I know, herpes doesn't affect those things. Are you taking care of yourself health-wise? You know, having herpes is a great excuse to take great care of ourselves since having a healthy immune system helps control the virus and has all the awesome side effects of having us be more healthy in general so our bodies can take care of us. And if there aren't visible signs or symptoms of an actual herpes outbreak, then the risk of spreading herpes is what is covered on these handouts: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Teennibell, from how you say it, it sounds like this guy is a quality catch! (Totally kidding.) Hey, don't let this guy's reaction be representative of how you assume other guys will react. His reaction says a whole lot more about him than it does about you. Disclosing herpes is a vulnerable thing, and people will react how they will react. But how others react doesn't change who we know ourselves to be: honest, following our integrity and self-accepting.

This is beautiful. And it speaks to the natural cycle that seems to happen when we go from shame to breaking through to self-acceptance where the shame no longer has the same power over us any more. There's a natural tendency that I've seen (and experienced myself) to be inspired to help others who are now suffering with herpes. It's part of the healing cycle for us all. It continues to be healing for me to help support all of you here and put on these weekend seminars (shameless plug: July 12-14 in NC ... all details http://thehopp.com ) ;) I'm so glad you're also inspired to plaster the handouts all over the place. Yes, knowledge needs to be spread instead of herpes! ;) Be contagious in a good way: spread knowledge, love, acceptance. Here's a poster I developed that I'd like to spread, too: http://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/be-contagious-herpes-opportunity.pdf And for everyone wondering what info forms domh is talking about, here they are: http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Nice, Atlantic and Whoopsi! I love what you have to add to this convo. :) And starry_eyed, check out this post-disclosure handout for all the need-to-know stats so you don't have to memorize all of them. This allows you to really be in the moment in the disclosure conversation instead of having to be in your head. http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Herpes is only spread by the infected area coming into skin-to-skin contact (usually with a lot of friction involved), so most fabrics will be enough of a barrier to be safe, but it depends on how skimpy your panties are. ;) And going down on him should be all right if you don't have HSV-2 orally (which only 2% of people with herpes do). In fact, according to Dr. Leone, if you have genital HSV-2, there's so low of a risk of it being passed to the mouth that it's a non-issue. Check out this blog article: http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex ... and this video when Dr. Leone came to our support group: http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-genital-herpes-hsv-and-hpv/

It sounds like that spiral of depression in response to her rejection was actually good for you overall. Rejections like that help us realize that our worth isn't tied up in whether someone else says yes or no to us. No one can make us feel bad about ourselves other than us. That's the healing that happens from having herpes: Initially we feel like it's going to be a quest to find someone else to accept us, when really it's a quest for us to finally accept ourselves. If you are feeling uncomfortable because you're afraid she'll reject you again (double jeopardy, folks!), that's one thing. You've proven to yourself you can survive that and recover from it I imagine stronger than how you were previously. How do you feel about this woman now after hanging out with her? Take herpes off the table for a second. How do YOU feel about HER? :)

It's probably a canker sore ... herpes sores don't show up on the tongue. :) I know it feels like when you first get it that herpes will show up EVERYWHERE, but it just doesn't happen like that. ;)

I usually just let it run its course since it's just a cold sore after all, but sometimes I put tea tree oil on it. Tea tree oil is a natural anti-viral and it helps to dry up the blister.

In person is always better than over the phone. It's an intimate talk, vulnerable. Having it over the phone just doesn't have the connection you'd want to have with such a vulnerable thing to share. Have you read the e-book on the herpes talk yet? http://eepurl.com/b4IPP And recurrent outbreaks are different for every person because every person's physical makeup/chemistry is different, their health is different, what they eat, stress levels, etc. But outbreaks get less and less severe/frequent with time as your body builds up natural immunity (antibodies) to the virus.

I don't think this has anything to do with herpes. What does your doctor have to say?

Breaks my heart to hear how you were treated. Big, big hug and infinite compassion. Know that we all are here for you. Thank you so much for reaching out here. It takes courage and self-love to be vulnerable like this with your new community. And welcome. A deep, deep welcome to you. I look forward to loving you along with our community until you don't hurt any more. As long as it takes. There have been quite a few women who have come out on this forum speaking to getting herpes through being raped. You aren't the only one. I don't know what it's like to experience something like this, but I do know my own experience of pain and shame and anger, and that part of me is connected with that part of you. And I don't want you to hurt. I want you to be happy. And healing will happen with time. I promise you that. And mark my words, just because you have herpes DOESN'T mean you have to hold the same shame, anger, violence, worthlessness that the person who did this to you I imagine was holding. You got herpes, but you don't have to get the negative stuff this guy clearly had within him to do such a despicable deed. Separate the virus from the feelings and meaning. Learn to forgive yourself and understand this as a process. A process of letting go of the anger and embracing deeper self-acceptance and love. Just because you got herpes through someone else's deep problems doesn't mean that you have to take on those problems as your own; it also doesn't mean that other people will associate those same problems with you as a person now that you have a simple virus. YOU get to be in control of how this changes you or not. That is what "take the power back" means. It means to dictate how experiences in our lives impact us. To allow what happens to us to give us a deeper resolve for that to never happen to anyone else. That is turning the tide. That is allowing your heart to be bigger than your hate. We have both sides to us. It's our decision which one we put our energy and attention into. Much love to you. So much love.

Yes, you nailed it: Before someone else can deeply accept you, you need to first accept yourself. It's a corny cliché for a reason: Because it's sooooo true! You going through these feelings that you wish would just go away is your way of moving through the pain and into what is. The only way the feeling will go away is once it's felt fully, without judgment, without self-shaming. The pain is signalling a shift in your psyche, your heart and your way of being. Think of it as growing pains. Sometimes pain isn't all that bad. It can mean you're getting stronger, learning and growing. Just have compassion for yourself through this phase. It will be better. Allow it to happen instead of struggling against the current.

Lelani's right. The triggers are opportunities to heal that self-judgment in yourself! Think about it: If you were already okay and accepting of that part of yourself, you wouldn't be triggered. These kind of "ouch, that hurts" reactions are breadcrumbs pointing to more opportunities for wholeness within ourselves, opportunities to give ourselves the acceptance we deserve. The crying is e-motion ("energy in motion") that is allowing you to move into a deeper and deeper acceptance. (I wish I could cry more; over the years, I have developed a mechanism where my crying doesn't come naturally when I'm sad.) The sweet spot here is to simultaneously allow ourselves to feel sad (or whatever other genuine emotion we're feeling) without judgment or pity. That's when sadness is healing and beneficial. If we're crying and feeling like we shouldn't be or something is "wrong," then we're just re-opening the same wound and hurting ourselves. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel, even when you're triggered by anything out there in the world that reminds you of something you're ashamed of. And the fact that you woke up the next day feeling better fits perfectly. You allowed what needed to move in you emotionally to move. That clears the plate for you to live your life right now fully. I'm glad you're still here. So much love to you!

I haven't heard about this much either. Have you gone to your doctor to see what might be going on down there?

Gosh I love you, Whoopsidaysi. I can't wait to see you again at the next H Opp weekend in July. And yes, acceptance is a two-way street in relationship. Herpes is just one of those things that we navigate TOGETHER with all the other things we accept between each other. Let's not glorify herpes as the only thing that either gets to be accepted or rejected. It's ONE (small) thing in the scheme of all the great and not-so-great things that we have to offer in relationship. And as Whoopsi said, we get to accept all of those things in ourselves (yes, even the "unacceptable" things). It's a practice. It truly is. And we will never reach the point in our lives where we won't have anything that might hurt us, or where we won't be afraid of anything ever again. The more we can appreciate what is and stop judging ourselves, the more wholeness we develop. And Whoopsi brings up another great point, too ... Whenever we are triggered by something, that means there's something deeper within ourselves that we are trying to protect. Some place that we aren't quite right with (yet). So a trigger is much like feeling pain in our body: The source of the pain signals that that part of our body needs tending to, it needs to heal. It's the same with a trigger. If we feel triggered by someone rejecting our herpes, then the trigger is actually pointing to that belief in ourselves that we aren't enough. When we love ourselves and accept ourselves more, the rejections mean less about us. They just are what they are. Have you heard this audio yet? Give it a listen! It's all about how to never feel rejected again: http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 ... and here's a great blog article written by our fellow community member Breatheandletgo: http://herpeslife.com/destroy-your-herpes-shame-and-embrace-your-imperfections

Hi Jess, Welcome to the forums! Thanks for sharing yourself. I understand the numbness. It seems that it's protecting you from the pain. And there is a fascinating way that a rejection about herpes can be taken personally. Maybe it just means that the relationship isn't the one you need. Ever consider that? I have been living my life more and more from the belief that everything truly is what it is. That I don't need to force anything. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, it won't be. I will have my preferences and what I want and I will fight for what I want sometimes ... but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean I'm a failure. (Sometimes I'm better about remembering this than others.) ;) I commend you on your courage to disclose those 3 times. It doesn't sound like it was easy, but it does show your integrity. Living an honest life is living a courageous life. I promise you that. And it's worth it. Trust me. It helps us to grow. It helps us to discover who we are and what we have to offer. If we know our value, then a rejection by another doesn't mean we don't have value; it simply means that either that person just doesn't have the eyes to see it or that person isn't right for us. Have you read this blog posting yet? This simple phrase has helped me through a lot. It's a primer for acceptance. And it's simple. :) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase ... and listen to this group discussion I had with a few other awesome folks about rejection: http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 Also, consider coming to our weekend seminar happening in July in NC. It's a safe, supportive and fun space to transform your shame ... http://thehopp.com

Ah, I have had all these feelings! And thank you for being so honest and transparent about your thoughts and dumping them all out on the page! Even though it's hard to hear that you're suffering and hurting, it feels relieving to hear you getting it out, sharing it. This is the way we process. This is the way we heal. To be honest with ourselves about what we're feeling. The tears are natural. The anger is natural. The confusion is natural. It's all part of the process that this is. You're okay. You will be okay. Have you watched Ashley and my latest video called "Growing through the yuck"? It talks a lot about the place you are in now. Honor it. Be with yourself in it. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. It's all normal and natural. Treat yourself with compassion. Know that feelings will move. Emotions will move and pass and morph into new emotions. http://herpeslife.com/growing-through-the-yuck-of-having-herpes/ Here are some other blog articles for you to read (yep, I'm giving you homework!). :) http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages http://herpeslife.com/could-you-use-herpes-to-empower-your-life/ http://herpeslife.com/what-i-wish-i-knew-when-i-was-first-diagnosed-with-herpes http://herpeslife.com/destroy-your-herpes-shame-and-embrace-your-imperfections http://herpeslife.com/herpes-cure-shame-as-breadcrumbs-to-more-wholeness/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/ http://herpeslife.com/less-herpes-shame-more-self-love/ http://herpeslife.com/your-awesomeness-overshadows-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes/ http://herpeslife.com/herpes-is-a-symptom-a-physical-manifestation-of-something-deeper/

Oh, I completely (and respectfully) disagree, bethany. Let's not start off relationships with dishonesty, even if it is a white lie. ;) The whole point of the Herpes Opportunity is integrity, honesty, trust in relationship. Let's develop the muscle of courage to be real and true.

I hear you PFK. I had assumed the same thing when I first got herpes. Then I went through such a dark place of keeping myself isolated from even the POSSIBILITY of being rejected that I didn't actually let myself live. When I had the courage to face my fears, I realized that 90% of the fears were bullshit. ;) They didn't end up being true. What proof do you have that that's the way it's going to be? Or is this all in your imagination based on the stigma and hype around herpes? It takes courage to confront our self-limiting assumptions.

I told you already. ;) HSV-2 orally only sheds 1% of the time, which means the chance of transmission are even lower. The chances mathematically speaking are slim to none, but there's always a chance. Not enough of a chance to be paranoid at all, but to be cautious and aware if you happen to be having something out of the ordinary going on in your mouth.

Hey Genven! Short answer: Absolutely not. Even if she was virally shedding, the herpes virus dies once it hits the air. It can only be transmitted with direct skin-to-skin contact, and even then the chances of transmission are below 10%.

Hi kitcattat, It's never too late to tell. If you don't tell, it seems that your integrity will eat away at you. Be honest. Tell him you were scared to say anything because you care about him (if that's true). ;) You're finding out the hard way that you actually do have integrity, so that the next time it seems that you won't let this kind of slip happen again. And hey, remember that by not having the safer sex conversation, you're actually putting yourself at just as much risk of getting something else as you are putting him at risk for getting herpes. Let's take the shame shield off of this thing and just have the conversation without it oozing with shame and deceit. Let's just have an open and frank conversation. That's all it has to be. It doesn't have to have weight to it. It doesn't have to be heavy, burdensome, sad, serious, horrible. You can make it all those things if you want to, but you don't have to. ;) FYI, here are some other forum posts I dug up that have some parallels to what you're going through: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/210/i-made-a-huge-mistake-and-not-sure-what-to-do-now-please-help-/p1 http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/245/herpes-disclosure-too-late-i-made-a-mistake-and-feel-terribly-guilty-and-like-him-/p1

Welcome to our sweet little heartfelt community, Cherokee! I got so much love for you. I remember those days of feeling so down on myself because of herpes. And one of the biggest lessons I learned (don't know if it'll help you) was the phrase "If this, then what?" It helped me to realize how much I was holding on to how my life *should* be rather than what it actually is. My life after I got herpes wasn't worse, just different. (And FYI, my sex life has gotten even better with more intimacy than ever because of the amount of trust, integrity and transparency that comes with herpes disclosure.) Here's a blog article I wrote on this one simple phrase: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase

Welcome abby road! Ah, the classic herpes and dating sites question! I appreciate the integrity in the question (it's clear you want to be fair and honest; I love that!), but don't you see how even asking the question is falling victim to the stigma and the shame around having herpes? Having herpes doesn't MAKE us unethical; it's our decisions and how we choose to live our lives that does. It's those people who choose to deceive others and put them at risk without giving them the choice that is unethical. If you go on dates with people, will you disclose when you feel the time is right? That's ethical. Everyone's got baggage and skeletons in the closet. (It's called being human.) Herpes is just a simple skin condition — a genital rash. (Or as I like to call it by its greek made-up name, "acne genitalis.") ;) So where did all this negativity and stigma get slapped onto herpes anyway? Our culture, our society, our shame around sex in general. And we get to separate that shame and stigma from herpes, too. Here's an article I wrote on herpes and dating sites that jumps into this further. Thanks for the question! And go out there and date! Don't hold yourself back! Love and be loved! I give you full permission. ;) http://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites